Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can she really be that happy?

(208 Posts)
neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 16:08:17

I am married with 2 kids. I work in a factory and a woman in the office has been flirting and suggestive with me. She has a husband and young family and appears to be really happy with her set up. She wants us to go out for a drink but I've just laughed it off and told her to behave herself. I'm asking on this site because the forum I usually go on is 99% male and you can take a guess at what their responses have been. I am asking what to do on here because I believe I'll get more sensible answers. What can I do to let her know that I'm not interested without offending her and why is she behaving like this if she seems so happy?

yes - what did your wife say to do?

neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 17:15:43

Yes. I don't want to hurt her feelings or insult her and I want to keep the atmosphere friendly. It's hard to explain but if I started telling her I'll report her or that she's making a fool of herself, it could make things awkward at work. I don't even want to say to her, "I thought you were happily married", because her home life is none of my business.

TheAwfulDaughter Sun 06-Oct-13 17:15:50

I think if you don't knock her back now, and she tries to get amorous at the Christmas party- it won't be her with hurt feelings, it'll be your wife if she hears some of the gossip about office lady coming onto you. She'll be wondering why you didn't tell her to fuck off sooner and wondering why you have dragged it out so long.

Whose feelings matter more?

Next time she tries it, you need to firmly say:

'No, it's not appropriate to go for a drink- not just because we are both married, but I am not attracted to you, nor hav any interest in meeting with you socially in a setting that isn't work related'

Then act completely normal as if nothing has happened. Hopefully she will be too embarrassed and back off.

She's probably not happy and looking for a little ego groom on the side, you brushing her off with a simple 'no, I am married' is probably spurring her on more for the challenge. You need to demonstrate that you aren't interested in her, not like marriage is your only barrier.

If she makes things weird- her problem. Not yours.

And your workmates sound absolutely grim, maybe you could point her in their direction?

TheAwfulDaughter Sun 06-Oct-13 17:18:30

And if you come back and say 'telling her I'm not attracted to her and don't have any interested in seeing her socially would hurt her feelings' then I absolutely give up.

Anything else would be utter encouragement.

TheAwfulDaughter Sun 06-Oct-13 17:22:44

Do you not see how brushing her off with 'aren't you happy at home married?' or 'I'm married/you're married' isn't telling her to explicitly fuck off? Marriage means nothing to some, and you could still meet for a drink and shag her whilst being married, which is what she hoping for.

You need to say you aren't interested and to try else where. Take control of the situation.

Charbon Sun 06-Oct-13 17:26:01

So let's cut to the chase.

What are you going to say and do?

You've had lots of advice, but you appear to only respond to what you don't want to do.

Stop speculating about the state of her marital happiness. It's none of your business and it's irrelevant to why she is flirting with you. You appear to be shocked that happily married women might still seek extra sexual experiences, yet you don't appear to be shocked about your male colleagues doing the same. I'd guess there's a reason for that.

neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 17:27:58

I'm not being sly and underhand by not telling my Wife about it. I know she'd over-react and want to have it out with this woman and then it would LOOK like something's happened when it hasn't.

BasilBabyEater Sun 06-Oct-13 17:28:05

You don't need to tell her that you'll report her.

It shouldn't get to that stage - unless she is a very unusual woman, she will understand that you are not interested if you make sure you NEVER engage in any sexually charged banter. It will only get to that stage if she cannot take a hint and refuses to recognise that you're not interested. But it is extremely unusual for women not to take a proper hint if they are given it - we aren't taught to believe that men owe us sex if we're attracted to them, so it's very unusual for a women to harass men in this way.

However, if she is one of the exceptions, you could always tell her that you've discussed her invitation with your wife and your wife isn't in favour as there are too many opportunities for misunderstandings. And that you agree with your wife, you would feel awkward about her husband too and you simply wouldn't feel comfortable going for a drink with her, you'd rather keep your relationship more professional.

If she still keeps on after that, then you are not responsible for any bad feeling at work - she is.

ah - quelle surprise - you haven't told your wife.

have you considered that she can smell on you that you're the type who won't tell your wife? who'll conspire and not be honest about what's going on with the supposed partner in your life?

that maybe that smell is what makes her think you might be up for it?

why not just tell your wife?

why is it serious to tell a forum full of stranger women but not to your life partner and mother of your children?

viewer Sun 06-Oct-13 17:32:28

So your wife is emotional and reacts impulsively to things and you're the sane and sensible one, but who's just too attractive for his own good?

It is difficult to let people down gently, especially in a work situation.

I'm curious that your thread title doesn't ask about that, but instead asks: "can she really be that happy?" as though that is what you are interested in most.

I would echo Charbon and say yes, she can. Why not?

Be careful if you don't want this to blow up in your face.

really how hard is it to say, 'knock it off i'm married and i'm not interested?'

unless of course your ego is rather enjoying the ride and you'd rather string it out but reassure yourself that you aren't doing anything wrong and it's all about her. 'how can she be happy'?

Mollydoggerson Sun 06-Oct-13 17:34:57

Just say 'I can't I'm busy with my wife, once I'm out of work I want to forget about it and focus on family'.

neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 17:36:25

Chabron, what I'll probably do is just continue laughing it off and pretend it's just harmless work banter but just not go on the xmas bash. To the poster who suggested pointing them in the direction of my workmates, they've already tried it on with her. They don't need any encouragement.

LovelyGarden Sun 06-Oct-13 17:36:50

I can totally get how you wouldn't want to make things uncomfortable at work.

There are a lot of people on Mumsnet Relationships who have been cheated on, so you're not necessarily going to get a balanced response on here.

AnyFucker Sun 06-Oct-13 17:37:12

No, you don't say "I can't"

"I can't" has absolutley no place in this scenario

The correct response is "I don't want to, and I will not be doing so"

BasilBabyEater Sun 06-Oct-13 17:40:37

I think if you feel you can't tell your wife, then you have bigger problems than this woman at work.

Normal couples trust each other.

You're going to continue the friendly (near the knuckle? Sexual?) banter aren't you and then sigh and wonder why she thinks you mgiht be interested?

No wonder your wife doesn't trust you.

viewer Sun 06-Oct-13 17:40:38

And did your workmates all get shags off her? Are you the odd one out now?

Wow, it's National Be Nasty on Mumsnet Week.

Ignore the unpleasant and disbelieving reponses, OP. They're being very rude.

I agree with everyone that you need to simply take her aside, tell her that her behaviour is coming across as flirty, it is inappropriate, makes you feel uncomfortable and ask her to stop. You can't be any more clear. If she carries on, then get HR involved.

BasilBabyEater Sun 06-Oct-13 17:45:35

AnnieL can you really not see the disingenuousness of the OP's responses?

He keeps coming up with excuses for not dealing with it effectively.

Which leads other people to believe that he has no intention of dealing with it effectively.

And his wife doesn't trust him.

Frankly neither do I.

grin

And for those saying the OP's marriage can't be great if he won't share this with her, I disagree. DH and I have a very strong marriage but if someone was trying it on with me at work, I wouldn't tell him unless it got to the stage where telling that person to piss of wasn't working and I was getting HR involved. Because he is a worrier, and I see no need to worry him over something that he has absolutely no control over.

AnyFucker Sun 06-Oct-13 17:46:48

As far as from here to the photocopier...

viewer Sun 06-Oct-13 17:47:09

He's so nice and honest and moral that he needs to tell his wife. But she would explode, you see. That's what women do, isn't it?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now