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DH/Ps reaction to the OM?

(23 Posts)
Putitonthelist Sun 06-Oct-13 11:22:44

The OW gets mentioned a lot. What you'd like to do to her and how you feel about her. Stories of revenge are usually the cheated on wife cutting his clothes up, scratching his beloved car, etc.

Well 50% of people having affairs are women. I expect a large percentage of them are married. I can't remember reading any/many stories about the DH confronting the OM on here or in general

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Oct-13 11:37:02

I'm not at all convinced that 50% of the people having affairs are women. Where are you getting that statistic? The MN population is largely female so the the relationships presented are mostly from the female standpoint. Since cheat-ers are less likely to seek help and sympathy from other women than the cheat-ees that also skews the type of story. If this was a male-orientated website where men related their relationship problems to other men... maybe you'd get more stories about them wanting to do horrible things to OM?

ImperialBlether Sun 06-Oct-13 11:46:15

Cogito, I think the OP means that for every couple who are having an affair, one of them will be female, one male.

motherinferior Sun 06-Oct-13 11:48:07

Not necessarily. Maybe the stats are skewed by lots of women having affairs with each other?

Gingerandcocoa Sun 06-Oct-13 11:49:22

Imperial but that doesn't necessarily mean that both people having the affair are married.

For example, if most affairs involve a married man and a single woman (which would be an uneducated guess) then the woman would have no DH to confront OM.

Putitonthelist Sun 06-Oct-13 12:06:04

That's exactly what I meant Imperial And I'm sure there are women having affairs with other women just as there will be men having affairs with other men.

It just got me thinking after reading so many posts on here where the cheated on wife will bend over backwards to try and make her marriage work, often blaming herself for his infidelity but the cheated on man walks away without a fight.

I know there are many more posts from the cheated on wife but there have been quite a few posts recently about affairs with MM and all the the women have been married too.

ImperialBlether Sun 06-Oct-13 12:34:08

Ginger, I'd read the OP's "... I expect a large percentage of them are married."

Charbon Sun 06-Oct-13 12:42:53

I'm not on this site as much as I used to be and can't comment whether there has been a recent glut of threads about betrayed men ending their marriages on discovery of an affair, but if there have, this would be completely incongruous with my own experience and observation, both in real-life and on Mumsnet.

Which is that men feel just as vengeful towards an OM, rarely get criticised for those angry feelings, are much more likely to inform an OM's partner about the affair and are as likely to want to repair their marriages and forgive, as women who've made a similar discovery.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Oct-13 13:19:11

You're sure there's women having affairs with other women? What? We're all closet lesbians? hmm

motherinferior Sun 06-Oct-13 13:21:29

No, not everyone, but it's something to factor in, obviously. Assuming everyone's straight isn't really accurate.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Oct-13 13:22:23

But 50%? hmm

motherinferior Sun 06-Oct-13 13:22:44

Obviously some women are having affairs with other women. Ditto some men. Stands to reason. Statistically. Also because we still live in a fairly homophobic society so there'll be a number of people who got married to someone of the other gender but who fancy their own more. Again, stands to reason.

motherinferior Sun 06-Oct-13 13:23:26

Not 50 per cent, no, I'd say not. But some.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Oct-13 13:24:40

Nevertheless... I would be astonished if 50% of the extra-marital affairs in existence were being conducted by married/partnered women with anyone of either gender. I think the OP is very wide of the mark

motherinferior Sun 06-Oct-13 13:26:18

Oh yes, agree.

Revenge stories? Where? I'd love a good revenge story. Doesn't happen much if at all ime. I didn't do anything to either DH or OW. I didn't even hate them. Am I a failure to wronged wives everywhere hmm

Putitonthelist Sun 06-Oct-13 13:42:01

Sorry if I offended you worse I'm not saying revenge is the answer. Living well is by far the best way to deal with things. I just feel that women are more likely to work harder to forgive an affair than a man would be.

I woke up in a funny mood this morning. I have a few friends going through break ups due to affairs at the moment and it's just been going around in my head. I feel frustrated with the amount of crap that someone will have thrown at them. Probably shouldn't have posted.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Oct-13 13:54:06

It's a valid enough question but I just think it's a mistake to use MN members as representative of the entire population. We're largely female and, if we're on the Relationships board, it's probably to get support for the crap being dished out by men. Not men getting advice for the crap being dished out by women...

I'm not offended, I just wonder where people get this stereotype from. Films? Most wives are broken, not vengeful. Far too many blame themselves.

I'd love a good revenge story. It would cheer me up grin. My DH collects cars. Everyone asked me if I'd keyed them!!!!! Of course I didn't. I planned to take one with me wink

Charbon Sun 06-Oct-13 14:57:15

I think it's a valid question too, plus we all base our feelings about an issue based on the experiences we've known or heard about, either in real-life or on an internet forum such as this one.

What's interesting about infidelity though is that it's a real 'tip of the iceberg' subject. There is in reality a much higher number of affairs that the people affected know about, but which aren't disclosed to anyone else in their real lives.

So your feelings about this are probably informed by an unrepresentative sample. Although I agree that an internet forum mainly populated by women will probably yield more examples of women coping with a partner's affair, there are similar (but less populist) forums devoted to men grappling with a partner's infidelity too.

I think internet forums in general give us a much more accurate picture of the extent of infidelity and the complexities of the partners' stories, than real-life ever can. I've often seen threads where an OP writes about the strange comfort to be had from realising their experience is not extraordinary. And I've seen many threads from women who've had affairs, disclosed them to their male partners or had them discovered - and found that those partners wanted to forgive and get past the trauma.

Having said all of that, there is a political context to this too, which should not be overlooked. A lack of financial independence and inability to support oneself because of caring responsibilities will often steer people towards staying in a relationship and forgiving, rather than leaving. Politically, this disproportionately affects more women than men. All the research conducted tells us that women are financially much worse off post-divorce than men, over both group's lifetimes.

usedandabusedthentossedaside Sun 06-Oct-13 15:16:04

Speaking as a dh whose wife had an affair and consequently walked out and left me and the children I can say the feelings and emotional reaction is pretty much what women say when they are cheated on. Betrayal the feeling of being inadequate and lost. The loss of what we consider to be our best friend and life partner as many here know is devastating and then there's the blame that eats away at us and the constant reflections of how and why and why didn't we see it coming. But that isn't ime the biggest hurt its the feeling that we have failed our children failed to protect them from the hurt and often ridicule and teasing from other children who are aware of the situation. Often we keep putting that I don't care mask on to get through the day but inside feel dead and empty. Our heads full of questions we will never receive an honest answer to and a self worth which is non existent.
In terms of revenge as op asks that is well down my list of priorities I may at some point open my mouth but physical revenge no, what example would that set my boys and if anything would play into the narrative created during the affair. From ppl I know the general consesus is that cheating men often live in the moment whereas women often are thinking and planning well ahead when they enter into such relationships (awaiting flames)

maleview70 Sun 06-Oct-13 15:17:30

The OM in my wife's affair did me a favour! I should shake his hand

Putitonthelist Sun 06-Oct-13 15:32:35

Thank you for your input used you sound lovely and I hope your life is back on track. I could live to be a thousand years old and never understand how a mother could leave her children.

maleview did you think that pretty much straight off or has time made you reflect on your marriage?

Charbon I wish I was as articulate as you. I've seen you on other threads, you're extremely insightful and know your stuff.

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