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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Day 1 of finding out about Affair by DH

121 replies

Dito · 04/10/2013 19:16

I have been reading MN for about 4 hours, trying to take on board advise but it's only Day 1. How I envy those further down the timeline! DH lied, cheated lied got on his hands and knees and begged me to not throw him out which, after getting together all my strength managed to do on autopilot. All I wanted was him to tell me it wasn't true and love me again. Sledgehammer of an evening. Can't eat, got a headache, smoking continuous didn't go to work, don't want to go out on a pre planned visit to my daughters on Sunday and that's two days away. Feel strong, feel weak, feel sick. I get the message of time but I can't face the long stretch looming In front of me never ending.
Stupidly I'm letting him ring me as I can't face the thought of him not, it's strangely comforting knowing he will phone but what do I say, to say nothing but keep this blanket until I find the strength to make a decision. I want to listen as it stops the desperation I feel. Not sure that makes sense but in between phone calls the sick feeling in my tummy goes for a while and I feel I can cope a little longer. what can I say to prolong this comfort blanket but say nothing.

OP posts:

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Kahlua4me · 04/10/2013 19:21

Can you ring someone, your daughter or a friend to come round?

Sorry, probably not much help but didn't want your post to go unnoticed. Others with more advice will be along soon.

akaWisey · 04/10/2013 19:25

Stay indoors, stay warm, eat something small, don't drink alcohol.

Treat yourself as a shock victim is treated. Get someone you know and trust round if you can. Talk to them. Failing that phone someone.

Dito · 04/10/2013 19:26

Family in Scotland, friend in Spain on hol just me for company. Moved here for his work.

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omuwalamulungi · 04/10/2013 19:26

I know what you mean about understanding that time will heal but not being sure how to get through the stretch of time that it will take.

Do whatever it takes at first, then you'll find you think about it less. It's day 1, you do whatever you need to do. You don't need to find the strength because you have proved that you have it, you've thrown him out.

When my ex cheated on me I still talked to him on the phone several evenings a week, not sure for how long it went on now. I found over time I felt I needed him less, now I can't think what I ever saw in him.

During a more recent breakup, my friend told me that if I felt I needed to talk to him, to call her and talk to her. Maybe you could come here and post when you feel you need to talk?

Try to take it really easy tonight and look after yourself.

Mixxy · 04/10/2013 19:27

Oh god, no advise really, but wanted to support you.

What a body blow. I understand why the phone calls seem comforting at the moment, but also not comforting.

There are plenty of women on here who know what you are going through, and they'll be here shortly. I'm just sending you hugs.

akaWisey · 04/10/2013 19:36

where is your H at the moment?

Dito · 04/10/2013 19:37

At his mums till Sunday about 300 miles away - he's there he calls from house phone

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akaWisey · 04/10/2013 19:38

Is he there because of what's happened or some other reason?

eatmydust · 04/10/2013 19:39

Just wanted to support you too. I have been in the same situation.

The pain is immense, I know. Like Wisey says you are in shock just take each minute at a time tonight. If you want to speak to him on the phone do so. If you don't want to speak - don't.

Don't make any decisions yet. Keeping some physical space from him is good and gives you time to grieve. Sending you hugs too.

Dito · 04/10/2013 19:42

Immense pain! Not sure where that comes from.

he was supposed to go to his Mums tomorrow for a night. He slept in the car in the driveway last night and drove off at 6am.

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akaWisey · 04/10/2013 19:46

ok, well you won't be alone tonight because there will be people here who will help even though we can't take it away.

Do you feel able to say what's happened? It might help to put some order to your thinking. It's up to you how you want to use your thread dito.

MusicForTheMasses · 04/10/2013 19:56

Read the threads, it helps honestly. STAY ON HERE! MN got me thorugh. I'm 15 months in, life does move on. My ex was a shit to me while he was having the affair and once he left the house a peace decended on it.
Here's my thread. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1489991-Am-I-being-paranoid-or-could-he-be-having-an-affair My life has only changed for the better. x

TheOrcHeadKeeper · 04/10/2013 20:02

You feel better for talking to him in the short term but that pain yuo say you don't want to face will be drawn out slowly by prolonging the contact like that. It's like short 'hits' of what you're mourning, when in the long run, going cold turkey would benefit you much more.

That's all easier said than done though. Just worth remembering when you feel like talking to him in the next few weeks

Dito · 04/10/2013 20:03

music - thank you I will read it now. Still keeping my brain busy reading MN. Wish I was at 15 months.. Rubbish that I have to wish life goes fast. Wish none of us were here, if you know what I mean

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Dito · 04/10/2013 20:05

I mean here - hurting on MN

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MusicForTheMasses · 04/10/2013 20:06

Dito I found my thread gave me strength at the times where I may be wavering. You'll get sympathy and tough love. You may not be ready for the tough love right now, but when you look back (like I did) you will see that people were right.

It's all too common. Take care.xx

akaWisey · 04/10/2013 20:07

I do. There are lots of really courageous women on this board and you could do far worse than read their stories. It will help you make some sense of your own experience, and make decisions about what you want to do.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

str8tothepoint · 04/10/2013 20:28

Stay strong and only do what YOU feel is right not what others want x

Distrustinggirlnow · 04/10/2013 20:30

Hello Dito, I'm sorry this has happened to you. Keep talking to us, we've sadly seen it all before so nothing will surprise us!

Some of us are still married to our Hs and others aren't. Some have moved on to lovely new shiny relationships, others are happy alone for the time being with their DC and friends.

I remember wondering how I would get through and in the end I realised there was no quick fix unfortunately and I just had to plod through it. So I did......

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/10/2013 20:42

So sorry you've had such a terrible shock. I know how it feels to wish the last 24/48 hours had simply not happened. You're probably half-wondering if it's all some big mistake or a sick joke. All kinds of ideas will be running round your head.

I think the best thing I can suggest to you at this stage is to simply try to catch your breath. I'd also suggest you need some time to yourself to process this horrible information. It's particularly terrible, I know, because I expect at times of crisis, he's the person you turn to for comfort.... and now you haven't got that any more. Do you have a friend you could be with?

Agnesboo · 04/10/2013 21:19

We've got you and it will feel better I promise.

Dito · 04/10/2013 21:47

still reading MN - music: I'm half way through your Day 2.

I kind of realise, by not going cold turkey, I'm ignoring what has happened just being relieved at him calling. But can't face it yet. Also, he said "I will call you, I want to hear your voice". Sounds like I am comforting him! This is all mixed and confusing...... I did say I will answer if I want to talk and won't if I don't...........not sure what I'm doing now. Banging headache.

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MusicForTheMasses · 04/10/2013 21:52

It's hard, but we're here for you Dito. You need to rest. I won't say sleep as in all honesty you probably won't get much of that. Really you need him to leave you alone for a few days to give you chance to compute it all in your head.

Turn your phone off, unplug the landline. Give yourself space. He wants to call you to make HIM feel better, it's nothing to do with your feelings. xx

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/10/2013 21:55

He's actually being quite cruel at the moment but I expect he's telling himself that he's behaving in a caring and loving manner. It's like someone smacking you across the face and then asking 'are you OK? why are you crying?' It's what I mean about needing time to catch your breath. You need to work out how you actually feel which sounds like a daft thing to say but is so important when you've got all these conflicting emotions racing through your brain. Suggest you don't answer his calls for a while - which are only adding to the confusion - but take the time you need.

SoleSource · 04/10/2013 21:57

(((Dito)))

you've described your emotions perfectly. I think you're going to be fine. No matter what you have us x

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