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How do you know if it's you or the relationship?

(74 Posts)
pinkpiggy Fri 04-Oct-13 14:33:34

Things have been bad here for a while. DH and I have plodded along for far too long and I can't see the wood for the trees.

To summarise, I suffer from depression and slight anxiety. I have been on AD's in the past but I am off them at the moment as I weaned off when I had my third DC a year ago. I have felt ok, I have had moments when I have felt down but I have been ok. I just feel very overwhelmed. I went back to work three days a week two months ago and I do everything around the house (except for the garden). My DH works long hours and when he is home he is extremely messy and I find myself cleaning up after him. He says I have impossibly high standards. Maybe I have.

Anyway, I seem to be ok and feel happy during the week but I crash at weekends where I feel down and feel so angry towards my DH. It is a very lonely marriage, we have not had sex since we conceived our third DC and he sleeps on the sofa as he stays up late and gets up early. His reaction when I get stressed and angry is to get defensive, then retreat and ignore me or sulk.

It's bad, I know. I went to CBT in the spring and it was useful but he will not go marriage counselling as he sees it all as me being 'crazy' and depressed.

The question is, as I said in the title, how do you know if it's you? Or being in a bad relationship? Is there any way back? Any advice would be appreciated grin

pinkpiggy Sat 05-Oct-13 17:23:06

I feel like someone has died or I am in pain sad

Lavenderhoney Sat 05-Oct-13 17:27:50

Cogito, yes I do mean that, thankssmile

Pinkpiggy, did he think you would be worried he wouldn't return? What does he mean by being nice? Is it something specific? Or just to let things go on as they are? Which isn't fair to you to live like that.

As for keeping all the stuff at his mums- why would he do that? Surely paperwork must be addressed to your house - does he take it all round there and do the admin there?

You have a right to know your financial situation, even if you are not splitting up. How do you manage day to day money and spending? Joint account?or does he give you cash? Is he putting money away for pensions, dc, savings? Tbh this would cause me day to day worried when food shopping, clothes shopping etc.

He sounds like he might have been crying. Is there anything else which might be bothering him? Work? Was he really fishing, do you think? Or at his mums - how do you get on with her?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Oct-13 17:32:26

You've got to talk to each other. Not by keep repeating 'you have to be nice'.... which isn't helpful .... but more in the spirit of 'how can we treat each other with kindness and respect?' A conversation that includes how treating someone with respect means being open about finances incidentally.

I'm always suspicious of crying men unfortunately. I see it as manipulative...

pinkpiggy Sat 05-Oct-13 17:38:04

I have been overwhelmed lately with doing everything plus starting work again three days a week. Doing the cliche of juggling it all whilst he does not show love or affection in any way. My reaction is to get stressed and down, angry at small things. What he means by 'be nice' is 'just get on with it without moaning' and 'lets carry on without talking about issues'.

His banking is done online. I don't know his pc passwords. Bills and stuff come to the house and get paid. But i have never seen mortgage stuff. We have no joint account and the deal is he pays all the bills and i pay for food, mycar and kids clothes etc. He rarely gives me money except for half of big things such as car seats and new beds etc.

No he hasn't been crying. I am pretty sure he's been fishing. I have never been good enough for his mum but that's another story!

pinkpiggy Sat 05-Oct-13 17:39:37

No pension and no savings

pinkpiggy Sat 05-Oct-13 17:42:12

Oh! I get now why you thought he was crying! I meant me! Sorry

scallopsrgreat Sat 05-Oct-13 17:42:35

I am with UnlikelyAmazonian here. I'll be nice to you if you'll be nice to me is another way of saying my needs come first, then maybe, if you are good and meet my ever changing goalposts I might give you a reward. But if you do something to displease me or not pander to my needs sufficiently then I reserve the right to take away all the niceness and just treat you like a skivvy.

Do you see the selfishness and sense of entitlement in that? He'll only be nice to you on his conditions. Surely people in a relationship should always strive to be nice to each other? Your behaviour has not constituted unpleasant. His has.

As others have said you do have options. If you are not overtly nice to him then this treatment will continue and escalate. So I do think you need to think about taking some of the advice like speaking to a solicitor or CAB to see what you would be entitled to.

The Rights of Women website may also help.

scallopsrgreat Sat 05-Oct-13 17:44:18

Hmmm. The financial evasiveness is also another red flag. I do seriously think you need to get some advice.

Cogito how do you suggest the op gets this man to sit down and talk?

He has said his piece. He has said 'be nice'

The fact you have no idea what your finances are like is appalling.

When this relationship is over, which it will be, never get into such a situation again - ie, being financially blind yet also dependent on a man.

Never have a joint account.

You need to get this man out of your and your children's lives.

I would strongly suggest you open a bank account in your sole name. Next week.

pinkpiggy Sat 05-Oct-13 20:05:47

I do have my own bank account, I said we have never had a joint account. I have my money and he has his money. No joint money at all.
He is still not back, I am going to get advice asap. Thank you all for your help. I am very scared though, of supporting myself financially with three children. I am scared of ending up in a tiny place with no money and being even more depressed

Ok. Sorry I got that wrong.

Great that you have a sole account.

Don't be afraid - he is the one with the most to lose not you.

What's more shit? Living in a 'tiny place' with happiness and freedom in your heart?

or a marital home with a husband that doesn't love you and fucks off fishing?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Oct-13 22:24:39

I have no idea how the OP gets this person to talk as it all seems to be a one way street of 'be nice' and if she's not nice 'you're crazy'.... Simply throwing ideas out there that aren't 'LTB' because the OP doesn't sound convinced that's the way forward either. I've also no idea how the OP gets this person to be more open about their family finances but I strongly recommend intercepting some of those bills and building up a picture.

pinkpiggy Sun 06-Oct-13 06:12:29

It is impossible to get him to talk. Especially when he really thinks the problem is all me.

The reason I started this thread is that I have spent years thinking it is me, that I am not a nice person. I get stressed and angry and depressed easily. If someone started this thread and said their DH was stressed and angry, answers would be that he is abusive and LTB . So confused. But I am starting to see maybe I react to him like this because of the bad relationship and the way he is towards me sad

pinkpiggy Sun 06-Oct-13 06:18:04

I am beginning to see that just because he does not hit me or shout at me, is very subtly abusive in other ways. Emotional neglect, sulking and ignoring me and running off at every opportunity.

I don't expect replies, it's just helpful writing this down smile

Lavenderhoney Sun 06-Oct-13 06:28:34

Withholding of affection and normal day to day interaction is abusive. Would you do that to your kids? No. Would you let anyone else? No. Because it would confuse and make them miserable, and slowly destroy their self esteem. They may even try harder to make you like them, and then, if you are that sort of person, really start to fuck with them. They won't learn normal behaviour.

So, you see, its a subtle way of controlling you.

Anyone would behave the way you are, living like that. Imagine how you would like it to be. And then compare. By refusing to discuss with you and not wanting to make it better, he is doing it again. He likes it like this.

If you don't, well, you have to think of your options. Marriage is supposed to be nice, not a psychological battleground.

rootypig Sun 06-Oct-13 06:44:05

OP you have had plenty of good advice so far but I wanted to chime in and say that your husband also sounds abusive to me. For you to be civil, and yet appear upset, and him to react angrily and then to leave, is emotionally cold and unkind. If this is sustained over any period, it is emotional abuse.

It sounds as though you would like to leave, the decision is made in that sense, but you are worried that you can't live without him. You can, and the law will support you. As others have said, even with your names not on the deeds, in recent rulings courts have been prepared to acknowledge (mostly women's) contributions to the life of the family as giving them a share of the property. Go and see a local solicitor for a free half hour of advice. Make brief notes before you go to get the most out of the time:

- how long you have been together / married;
- DOB of the DC;
- your earnings and unpaid domestic labour (inc hours of care for the DC);
- his earnings if you know, even roughly, his hours of work;
- any marital assets, the house, anything else major, when they were bought;
- who has paid what in terms of household outgoings;
- describe the relationship in a few words.

plus any questions that you have - how long it will take, what they think you can get, and so on.

pinkpiggy Sun 06-Oct-13 07:41:36

Thank you flowers

How are you op?

pinkpiggy Mon 07-Oct-13 05:59:13

I am ok. Feel stronger this morning.

I am going to get an appointment this week and get some advice. He knows things have hit rock bottom as he actually talked last night. It's still all me though, according to him. Maybe it is? Even so, this relationship is slowly crushing me. Will give it until after Christmas and see

rootypig Mon 07-Oct-13 06:03:34

OP I worry about you. You sound so low. Are you sure you'll be ok til after Christmas? that you won't feel worse then, and less able to leave?

I hope that you do go to get advice this week, and that it cheers and galvanises you.

Lavenderhoney Mon 07-Oct-13 08:19:51

Well done for getting an appointment. You know its not you. He is still trying to make you shoulder all the responsibility for your relationship.

Talking about it isn't just sitting listening whilst someone lists all your imagined faults, tries to crush you even more, and blames you for everything.

You do sound very low, and its not surprising with being told how crap you are all the time. You can't win, you've been trying for years. Whatever you do won't be good enough for him, he is being very unreasonable.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 07-Oct-13 08:28:15

And will you be opening the bills and statements from now on? IME there's nothing like a bit of financial involvement to put lead in your metaphorical pencil. smile Glad some kind of communication has opened up but suggest you don't tolerate it if it reverts to one-way blaming...

rootypig Thu 10-Oct-13 19:14:58

OP how are you doing?

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