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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How do you know if it's you or the relationship?

73 replies

pinkpiggy · 04/10/2013 14:33

Things have been bad here for a while. DH and I have plodded along for far too long and I can't see the wood for the trees.

To summarise, I suffer from depression and slight anxiety. I have been on AD's in the past but I am off them at the moment as I weaned off when I had my third DC a year ago. I have felt ok, I have had moments when I have felt down but I have been ok. I just feel very overwhelmed. I went back to work three days a week two months ago and I do everything around the house (except for the garden). My DH works long hours and when he is home he is extremely messy and I find myself cleaning up after him. He says I have impossibly high standards. Maybe I have.

Anyway, I seem to be ok and feel happy during the week but I crash at weekends where I feel down and feel so angry towards my DH. It is a very lonely marriage, we have not had sex since we conceived our third DC and he sleeps on the sofa as he stays up late and gets up early. His reaction when I get stressed and angry is to get defensive, then retreat and ignore me or sulk.

It's bad, I know. I went to CBT in the spring and it was useful but he will not go marriage counselling as he sees it all as me being 'crazy' and depressed.

The question is, as I said in the title, how do you know if it's you? Or being in a bad relationship? Is there any way back? Any advice would be appreciated

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unidentifiedflyingobject · 04/10/2013 14:38

It can't be completely reducible to either. But you're not ok in your relationship are you? So something has to change... But I understand the dilemma - I convinced myself I had bipolar disorder and went on a bunch of AD's when actually I was unhappy in my marriage.

pinkpiggy · 04/10/2013 14:41

No I'm not but I do think is it because I am depressed and angry that the marriage is like this? It's confusing.

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unidentifiedflyingobject · 04/10/2013 14:45

It can't just be you. I mean if he is refusing counselling and blaming it on you being crazy he doesn't sound very supportive or committed tbh. yeah, being anxious and depressed makes a relationship harder for sure... But you are clearly lacking affection and intimacy and feeling rather unloved, which a)doesn't make for a good relationship anyway and b)really will make the depression worse

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/10/2013 14:49

The only way you settle this conundrum is to separate for a while. See if the way you feel improves or not. If it improves, it's likely it wasn't 'you' in isolation.

pinkpiggy · 04/10/2013 15:00

The thing is he would never just go. It was his house when we married and he has in his head it's 'his' house now So if we did split up, he would not leave easily

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unidentifiedflyingobject · 04/10/2013 15:37

Are you overwhelmed by the responsibility for all the household shit or is your anger at him a deeper issue?

Can you go anywhere temporarily?

pinkpiggy · 04/10/2013 19:16

I am not sure. I feel overwhelmed by doing everything and taking all the responsibility for the children and the house, that's for sure. I think I feel angry as I feel I get nothing from him emotionally. All he does is financially pay all the bills and keeps a roof over our head. And plays with the kids.

I have nowhere to go, not enough money and why would I uproot my kids and their home?

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pinkpiggy · 04/10/2013 20:04

Anyone?

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/10/2013 20:16

One reason for feeling the way you do is that you don't believe you have choices. Feeling trapped is a stressful place to be. The options open to you are roughly speaking a) do nothing, b) communicate with each other and try to resolve the things that are getting between you or c) split up. a) and c) don't appear to be runners so you're left with b).... and that requires your DH's cooperation which is something you don't currently have.

pinkpiggy · 04/10/2013 20:20

Stuck really then aren't I?!

I would love to do b) and try and get this marriage back on track but me trying to talk gets me nowhere as really feels it's 'all me'

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/10/2013 20:24

Exactly. So you feel trapped and that will add to your mental distress. I'm not saying 'LTB' but I think you sound like you need a break from each other and some time to think.

Bonsoir · 04/10/2013 20:27

You need to make changes and to shake things up as you both sound in a terrible rut.

JustinBsMum · 04/10/2013 20:30

Well, it's soul destroying being everyone's skivvy.

The only consolation is that things should get a bit easier as DCs get older and more independent.

Can you get a cleaner - it's amazing ime how much a cleaner can achieve in an hour when everyone is out of the house?

Do you enjoy your work? Do you have to work?

Could you cut your hours and do something you enjoy- yoga? swim?

DH could no doubt do more but it would be good if you were in a happier place first before trying to negotiate who does what, then you can pin down some specific things you need him to help with.

pinkpiggy · 04/10/2013 20:30

I know

But as I said earlier, he would never leave 'his' house, even if it was just for a break. I have nowhere to go and no means to support myself in the short term with three kids as I only work 16 hours a week and the baby is only a year old. Stuffed really!

Thanks for the words so far

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nkf · 04/10/2013 20:32

You don't really know I think. I know that my depression lifted once I got out of the marriage. Not immediately, but gradually and, I believe, permanently. I'm not happy all the time, but I don't have that bedrock of misery that I used to have. Don't make any hurried decisions, but don't rule out the possibility that it's your marriage rather than your personality.

Unlikelyamazonian · 04/10/2013 20:34

Well it sounds quite clear cut to me. Your husband is a lazy shit who has zero respect for you. It's been slowly and imperceptibly getting worse and worse .. and now you quite rightly hate the weekends as he is there in all his miserable, disrespectful, unaffectionate, selfish lazy arse-glory making your weekend a fucking disaster.

I wouldn't bother talking to him.

I think you need to gather some big balls from anywhere and everywhere, and serve him with a divorce petition. As the primary carer you get to stay in the house.

pinkpiggy · 04/10/2013 20:34

We can't afford a cleaner. Things are really tight financially and I keep on top of the housework.

I have a 'career' and worked hard in the past to get where I am but I no longer enjoy the work. I work as I have to and I work around the school run as childcare costs for three children is expensive!

That is good advice to create my own happiness and I do try and do that.

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JustinBsMum · 04/10/2013 20:35

Ime it is the feeling trapped and that life is beyond your control that contributes to depression.

pinkpiggy · 04/10/2013 20:36

Unlikelyamazonian, would I definitely get to stay in the house for sure? How would I get him to leave? I have not had any legal advice yet so I am unsure about all that side of it

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TwoStepsBeyond · 04/10/2013 20:42

You are not stuck. You have options. With young children you are entitled to lots of support to enable you to keep working part time if that's what you want, or to stay at home with your little one if that works for you.

I'm not sure how things will change in the near future, but certainly as things stand I am no worse off financially since separating from my h.

I'm not saying LTB but if you are unhappy and he is unwilling to do the things you have asked of him to try and work things out, he's not helping the situation at all. You certainly need to make him take your concerns seriously and sadly the only way to make this happen is often separation. You don't know what you've got til it's gone, and all that.

Yes it will be a huge upheaval for your DCs to move if you decide to split and if your H has any compassion he will prevent that by doing the decent thing by them and moving out, at least temporarily until you can sort things out with him or find a new home for you and the DCs.

If he refuses then that tells you a lot about the sort of man he is and where his priorities lie, which for me would be a deal breaker anyway. Putting his DCs happiness beneath his own comfort and convenience is a bit shit.

Sorry that you're feeling so low. I hope that your H either steps up to support you or steps aside to allow you to get on with being a great mum without him bringing you down.

Unlikelyamazonian · 04/10/2013 22:01

You're married, right? It's joint property. It's not 'his' house.

You need to get thee to a solicitor pronto - free half hour with as many local sols as you can muster.

Lots of red flags in your story I'm afraid:

Banish those miserable weekends and dump the arse.

pinkpiggy · 05/10/2013 08:33

Tried talking to him this morning. He's still sucking and says it's all me being 'crazy' and if I am nice to him he will be nice to me. Childish eh? He will not go, says I have to go if I want a separation.

Thanks for the replies.

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Lavenderhoney · 05/10/2013 08:59

He can't be happy either - and its deeply unfair of him to put all the responsibly of the relationship on you " you be nice to me etc" he is saying " its not going to change, so if you don't like it, leave"

Its an impasse isn't t? He won't change and you can't go on. Or you can, but only deeper into the misery.

Did he have the house pre marriage and you aren't on the deeds? I don't think that matters if you are married? Someone will be along more experienced soon.

What do you want to do op?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/10/2013 09:06

How can you possibly reason with someone who, on the one hand is saying 'if you were nicer to me I'd be nicer to you'.... and on the other calling you 'crazy' which is not nice at all? I'm not seeing a man interested in making things work, sorry,

pinkpiggy · 05/10/2013 09:43

Yes he had the house over 10 years when we married. And, stupidly, I am not on the deeds. I don't know what I want to do. I don't want to be stuck in a one bed flat, working full time never seeing my kids and counting each penny

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