I don't love my husband

[Pinkpinot]

Last night he asked me why I loved him
I couldn't think of anything to say
I couldn't even make anything up

[olgaga]

I could understand your concern if he'd asked "Do you love me?"but "Why do you love me" is a bit weird.

Is he looking for reassurance? Or just fishing for compliments?

Maybe next time you could reply "Because you're so needy"?

Or just "I'm not sure why".

[WhiteandGreen]

Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't love you can make you feel needy.

[Hoojimiflip]

Are you hormonal? Might be worth giving it a few days and seeing if you still feel the same?

[maras2]

Hiya Pink.Couldn't help but look at some of your previous posts as you sound so sad.There seems to be nothing lovable about your husband.He's rude,disrespectful and generally unkind to you.Not sure what you want for the future but there must be something better.I'm awake now at this god awful hour because me and my husband of nearly 40 years had a lateish love making session followed by the cuddle/giggle/chat that is normal for us,though not as often as it used to be.Can you see where I'm going with this?All women deserve to have loving relationships but your husband sounds like the last person to give you this.You can do so much better my love.Best wishes. Mx.

[Pinkpinot]

Well, we had a row about him not letting me know he was going out. I said it was only common courtesy to let me know
I asked him did he love me, because frankly, in my book if you love someone you don't treat them the way he has been treating me.
He then asked if I loved him, I said yes, automatically. Then he asked why.
I think he knows he's not very loveable at the moment and he knows how unhappy I am. But he doesn't seem to be able to change things
His mum is coming to stay next week, for 3 weeks

[Pinkpinot]

So, here's my life
Every week night waiting to see what time dh comes home
It's rarely before 8, which is ds's bedtime
Make his dinner, we watch a bit of tv, one or both of us falls asleep
2/3nights a week he is out with work, clients and/or colleagues
Every week for the last 2 months he had a particularly late drunken night.

So come the weekend, he sleeps. He's in bed now.
I have talked to him about burning the candle at both ends, he can't control how tired he his from working long hours, but he can have some control over excessive drinking and eating crappy food. He's v overweight and unfit.

Every single weekend we talk about it, nothing changes
This week he had a business trip, he actually overslept after being out on the piss the night before, missed his flight.
You'd think that would be a wake up call, but no

I am going to have to tell him that if he doesn't make a conscious effort to take better care of himself and therefore become more of a member of this family, then I want out.
I do not want to live like this anymore

[scallopsrgreat]

Do you have children Pink? Because when does he donany childcare? At the moment what is actually adding to your relationship or your life and your children's (if you have any)?

[Pinkpinot]

He sees ds a couple of hours here and there at the weekend, and I make sure ds reads to him/ puts him to bed sat/sun night
Tbf- he got up with him this morning at 6.45, because ds was so excited to see him, hadn't seen him all week.
Then he came back up at 9, and been asleep since then. Normal in this house
But I take him to swimming, any parties, just dropped him off for play date.

[Missbopeep]

why are his work hours so irregular?
I'd stop making his dinner and let him find what he can to eat unless he can promise to be home at a certain time- give or take a few minutes. He could call you to let you know when he's leaving work.

If his work is dominating his life then he has a choice- find other work that is more family friendly, or at least show some consideration for you.
Many men work long hours- mine does- but there comes a point where their role as a father should take some priority.

I think you need to have a serious talk about his career and how it fits with having children.

And get a babysitter and arrange time out for yourselves when he's home in time. You sound like his housekeeper/ mum- not his wife.

[Pinkpinot]

I can't really refuse to make his dinner while he works 60+ hours a week and I'm at gone all day

He does work hard, and he's a perfectionist and he's the boss, so he can take a nice long lunch with a client but also he has to make sure everything is spot on before he goes home
He also needs to impress his boss in order to get a decent bonus, as his bonus pays the mortgage
A new job? well something has just come up, so fingers crossed. But I think he will always be like this.
He thought this job was 7-5, but he works more like 6-8
His bosses have suggested he doesn't work as hard, but no-one else is going to do it

I have made an effort to get myself out recently, mainly because I'm bored and lonely

[scallopsrgreat]

So basically what you are saying is that he gets to arrange his days as it pleases him? How many hours do you work a week Pink looking after your DS, housework etc? How often do you get to excessively drink (if you want to) and devolve responsibility for your DS on to him?

He is taking the piss. Completely. The fact you think you have to make him dinner speaks volumes. Would he do the same for you if you had had a tough day or were really tired?

[scallopsrgreat]

And a couple of hours at the weekend is pathetic. He should be sharing care and household tasks at the weekend.

[Pinkpinot]

If he'd been at home all day, of course he would do the same for me
I do have it easy compared to him
But it would have to be a very special occasion for me to stay in bed all day and him look after ds
I'm sending them to the movies tomorrow

[scallopsrgreat]

Would he? Because he's not showing much evidence of that. And why would it only be if he'd been at home all day? Not if you were tired or had had enough?

Why do you think you have it easy to him? Would he swap with you, for example and stay at home with your DS (money aside) as you do?

You don't have to answer any of those questions btw. There just seems to be a big power imbalance in the relationship which could explain your feelings.

[rootypig]

I wouldn't love him either.

Pinkpinot there is very little light in your posts. You sound worn down and resigned.

Forget how you feel about him, how do you feel about yourself?

[Pinkpinot]

I don't love him because he's not very nice. And I'm quite annoyed that I didn't see through him. Yes we've got different stresses now, and he doesn't deal with stress v well
And. I've lost the reasons why I ever thought I loved him
I can't remember

I talked to him this morning, he listened, I thought it went well
Talked about him making an effort, because neither of us want this relationship like this.
One of the things that's under our control is him not going out as much, not drinking as much. Would solve money issues and help his tiredness
But somehow, his mood has gone from ok, to bloody awful.
I know the reason for this, he's just realised we have no money til the end of the month.
Not my fault, I didn't fucking spend it in the pub,
I'm not interested, I've told him over and over that he needs to budget, but no he's blaming a €444 bar bill, that should have been €44.
Well maybe you shouldn't have been pissed and you would have noticed the mistake
I've dropped them off at the movies, now sat in car park not knowing what the fuck to do

[Pinkpinot]

Rootypig, I feel exhausted from trying
And mad with myself for letting it go this far- although I've tried and tried over the years
But I'm ok
I've addressed a lot of issues with ds, his behaviour has improved a lot(big deal) and school is going great and I've made a start with a diet, lost 9lbs
And making a big effort to get out more
I'm ok
I'm going to my parents next week for family birthday
Can't bloody wait- he's not coming

[maras2]

Pink,do you have enough for you and DS for food etc?There's excellent advice available on Money Saving Expert site which will help stretch a few €'s.No wonder that you are doubting your love for him.Spending even €44 and not the €444 as charged in a bar,when you're not too well off is irresponsible and thoughtless to say the least.Well done with the weight loss and I hope that you have a great time with the folks.Stay for as long as you can.

[Pinkpinot]

I have funds in reserve, because this happens every single month.And I end up bailing us out.
Because I can manage the allowance I get
Don't feel sorry for him, he spends thousands and every month we have the same discussion that he needs to budget
The fridge and freezer are full, and the car has petrol.
He's flapping because his mum is coming on Tues, and he won't be able to go anywhere

[rootypig]

Pinkpinot this doesn't sound like any kind of life. You are obviously enormously intelligent and competent and living this way is stressful and shitty and boring. It's no kind of life. And you can't love someone you don't respect - I speak from bitter experience.

Have you thought about leaving? do you want to? If not, what do you think you can do within the relationship? you say you can't remember - is there a time that you loved him?

Good for you, getting out and losing weight and doing what you want to do. But I don't think it's going to be enough, on its own. You will still be cripplingly lonely in your marriage. Based on your posts I would suggest he needs to get help with his drinking for a start.

[Pinkpinot]

Thanks Rootypig- I have thought about leaving, I think we would all be happier
He has moved out before, for a couple of days, but I just need to be stronger
I think he could/would be a bastard ex, so i guess that's what Im scared of

Yesterday was awful, stress, bad temper, no patience, snapping, lots of huffing and puffing
Got to 10pm and he says "well it's 10pm on a Sunday, I'm always in a bad mood then" cos he has to go to work
Wtf- entitled to be in a bad mood?

I'm not sure how we are all going to get through the next couple of weeks with his mum here

I just want to run away right now!

[roz1982]

Pink - life is too short to be this unhappy. You have got to take steps to become happier. Nothing will change if you don't change it. Please, for the love of god, remove yourself from this relationship. It sounds awful. You are a human being and you need/deserve more.

Just reading your posts made me feel how unhappy you are. No marriage is worth that, especially not one you describe. Live your life the way you want, it's your life. Don't worry about your ds, he will be fine, I know because I've done it.

[Pinkpinot]

Thanks Roz and everyone else
Will get through the next couple of weeks and then take it from there

[penguin11]

Hi Pinkpinot, I'm new to Mumsnet - and just read your post, it really touched me. How are you feeling today? You sound such a lovely person dealing with a really hard situation. Your husband sounds so similar to my dad and bother - you have tried so hard, maybe it's time to take a courageous step and ask him to leave?

[Spiritedwolf]

Look, about the "bastard ex" thing, it is rubbish that he might not ever be co-operative, but surely a bastard ex who you only need to communicate with about your DS is better than a bastard husband that you feel you have to cook and clean for, that you have to share a home with, that you have to share finances with.

Is he going to do anything about the apparent 44 versus 444 thing to try and get the money back, or is he just pretending it was a mistake?

You and your DS deserve better than this. I completely understand why you couldn't think of anything you love about him.

You do not need to cook for him btw, I understand that you are trying to be 'fair' but he is not being fair with you - he is choosing to work extra hours, isn't showing you any respect at all by not even letting you know when he'll be home, and pissing the family finances away.

Please consider counselling for yourself to explore why you are so bound to being 'the reasonable/fair/nice one' that you feel that you have to martyr yourself making dinner for someone who can't even tell you what time he'll be home to eat it. Why don't you spend your time on a hobby, with friends, with your DS instead? Its not the 1950s, you do not need to run around after an unreasonable man, you can spend your time on yourself.

How certain are you that he spends those extra hours working?

Today is the 8th of October. There's an awful lot of month left. DH and I are on a single (not huge) income and sometimes the last week of the month is a bit tight, maybe the last two in January and we know we ought to organise our finances better. How appalling is your BH that he has f the family finances 3.5 weeks before the end of the month. Is he getting worse?