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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

why do people cheat?

71 replies

holstenlips · 03/10/2013 23:20

I need to know what reasons there are if a relationship is sound and haopy.

OP posts:

Report

OhDearNigel · 03/10/2013 23:23

Excitement (thrill of the chase impossible to replicate in long term relationship)

Thrill of dangerous situation

Flattery

holstenlips · 03/10/2013 23:23

Happy even.

OP posts:

holstenlips · 03/10/2013 23:24

But some of us dont? Is it a self esteem issue?

OP posts:

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 03/10/2013 23:25

Opportunity & excitement.

Really, that is what it boils down to. It has very little to do with how happy the relationship at home is. Don't blame yourself for what he did :(

holstenlips · 03/10/2013 23:28

Ive had no valid reason. Just various such as: because you didn't move in. Because you were ill. Because I (he) was low because I was low. It wasnt me it was another me that doesnt exist.
There must be a real reason .

OP posts:

Whatnext074 · 03/10/2013 23:31

I think because for some people, the opportunity arises and some (like my H) will act on that and tie it up in various excuses to justify their actions. Some people like getting the attraction, the excitement that may have gone out of their relationship. It hurts like hell for the person they cheat on though

holstenlips · 03/10/2013 23:34

But he created the opportunity as far as I can see. He was the one doing most of the fishing. Sorry really yuck tonight. I feel like I need a reason. But I accept I suppose that I wont get one.

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ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 03/10/2013 23:35

You will drive yourself insane trying to find A Reason. There isn't A Reason.

It is just selfish, shitty, awful entitled behaviour. People do it because they are flattered, it's exciting, they don't think they'll get caught, they think their happiness is all that matters, 'why not'...

It isn't a 'Because of x thing' - it's a 'Why not?' thing.

I just want to hug you. I have been where you are and it's hell x

Windyone · 03/10/2013 23:38

If a relationship is genuinely sound and happy then there is no cheating. If one partner cheats then surely the relationship isnt happy. There is no excuse for cheating.

holstenlips · 03/10/2013 23:41

We were happy. We were getting married, not long engaged. He begged me to marry him and to move in. Maybe he wasnt happy but he swore he was.

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holstenlips · 03/10/2013 23:42

Thanks Chipping for the hug.

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Whatnext074 · 03/10/2013 23:43

Are you okay holstenlips?

holstenlips · 03/10/2013 23:44

Yeah/No. Trying to be. Im ok sometimes and even feel good sometimes. But on a downer tonight. I just got wind of some more 'evidence' today. What a shit. :-(

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Whatnext074 · 03/10/2013 23:45

Sorry holstenlips - cross thread, I see now that you are going through this and it wasn't just a question in general. I feel for you.

holstenlips · 03/10/2013 23:46

I might set fire to my wedding dress at the weekend. And take a picture of it and leave it on his desk at work (not really)

OP posts:

ouryve · 03/10/2013 23:48

I'm sorry, holstenlips, but, whatever he was saying, he won't have been happy. He might have been happy with you, but not necessarily with himself.

You'll do yourself no good trying to second guess him.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 03/10/2013 23:48

Yes - he is a shit :( He wont come clean, they don't - or should I say, very few of them do. There is no way of moving past this if he hasn't done that.

JoansRivers · 03/10/2013 23:49

My brother cheated because he said he desperately didn't want to end his childrens' family life. But, he didn't love his wife or want to be with her. The affair was basically just him ignoring the problems and trying to find some happiness after several years of misery and unhappiness. Not that I'm excusing him, but his wife treated him like shit. The woman he met was also married and unhappy and gave him a boost when he needed it. Nobody found out and his marriage ended amicably in the end. After his experience, I don't now think all affairs are bad. [runs for cover]

Whatnext074 · 03/10/2013 23:50

I'm finally selling my wedding dress and accessories, it was the most important dress I wore and I was determined to keep it but now there's no point and I may as well get some money for it. I thought of throwing it in the bin but that wouldn't achieve anything for me.

Not sure if you want to give anymore information but is this the first time he's done this? Have you confronted him? Is it serious with his OW? Don't worry if it's too painful to go into detail at the moment but I am struggling myself and have found advice and support on here invaluable.

LackaDAISYcal · 03/10/2013 23:50

because he is a twat who only thought of himself and his penis at that particular moment in time.

Hugs to you. You sound like you are really hurting, but please be assured that nothing you did caused this; it is his bad entirely.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 03/10/2013 23:51

I'm really sorry, but I have to go now :(

Please try to get some sleep tonight and remember this is NOT about you - it's not anything to do with what you did, didn't do - it's nothing to do with anything you are or aren't - it is about HIM and his inadequacies :(

akaWisey · 03/10/2013 23:53

Listen, he's done enough to mess your head up so please don't even try to 'understand' by looking for reasons.

Ball is in your court now. Make sure you hit it hard so HE understands exactly why he needs to feel very, very sorry.

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JoansRivers · 03/10/2013 23:53

I'm so sorry, I just read this properly and realised it is something you're going through and not just a general question. Please ignore my post. It will sound heartless and harsh. Hope you're okay.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 03/10/2013 23:54

Joan what was the purpose of posting that? Does it help the OP in anyway or did you just feel like putting the boot in? FFS. THINK.

holstenlips · 03/10/2013 23:57

No its ok my fault as I have a thread and ive started another ..not the best idea! Im ok. I will be ok. Just my head questioning everything tonight. Thanks all x

OP posts:

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