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why do people cheat?

(72 Posts)
holstenlips Thu 03-Oct-13 23:20:37

I need to know what reasons there are if a relationship is sound and haopy.

holstenlips Thu 03-Oct-13 23:57:34

No its ok my fault as I have a thread and ive started another ..not the best idea! Im ok. I will be ok. Just my head questioning everything tonight. Thanks all x

FrancescaBell Fri 04-Oct-13 00:28:15

Oh I've known several people who were happy in their relationships who cheated. Happy with themselves as individuals? Maybe not so much, but in some cases this was more to do with their own inadequacies, failures and life disappointments and an inability to admit them- to themselves or their partners.

In others, it was simply about opportunity. As a pp has said, more a case of 'why not?' than 'why would I?' Especially vulnerable to that sort of thing were the quiet, self-effacing ones who had never had much luck attracting admirers, so when one turned up all hell broke loose at the sheer novelty of having a 'suitor'.

Of course, I've also known people use affairs to leave unhappy home situations, but that wasn't what you were asking about, was it?

The most important thing is not to think this was a lack in you, or your relationship with the man who's hurt you. I think it's hard to get to grips with how such a life-changing event can have such banal motives, but it's the truth.

A big hug to you OP. thanks

Menwithouthemingway Fri 04-Oct-13 00:58:20

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

FrancescaBell Fri 04-Oct-13 01:07:46

The footballer Eric Cantona made a statement to a packed press conference after his ban from football for assault on a fan:

When the seagulls follow the trawler, it's because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea.

Nope, no-one understood that either although I'm sure Eric thought he too was being very profound wink

MissScatterbrain Fri 04-Oct-13 06:55:33

Here's a good article explaining why people cheat.

Usually because of their own inadequacies.

holstenlips Fri 04-Oct-13 07:06:56

Thanks MissSB will have a look x

Elastoplaster Fri 04-Oct-13 07:11:54

FB, I've always thought that Eric meant the trawler shouldn't be deluded into thinking the seagulls were interested in it; they are only interested in the sardines; which when you apply that to relationships...

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Oct-13 07:44:01

The reasons for cheating are as varied as the individual. Everything from malice to selfishness to impulsive opportunism to thrill-seeking to low self-esteem... right up to those who genuinely believe they have fallen in love with someone new and found their soul mate. You can't actually get inside their head so you don't know that they are thinking, including incidentally whether they really were happy in the relationship or whether they were simply doing a very good impression of happy.

Sorry if this has happened in your relationship but, when it comes to emotions, the only truth you can really rely on is your own.

holstenlips Fri 04-Oct-13 07:46:52

True Cog. Im not obsessing so much about it this morning. Late nights do me in.

SoupDragon Fri 04-Oct-13 07:48:18

Fundamentally, I think the reason people cheat because they are selfish twats and don't care about anyone other than themselves. There may be many different excuses given, but they are not a reason.

Boosterseat Fri 04-Oct-13 08:08:56

Holsten IMO, people cheat because they feel they are entitled to tit, whatever internal justification system them have allows them to find their own loopholes to justify shitty behavior.

Not every case is the same, it isn't always black and white but I've followed your other thread and in your particular case, it really is because he is inadequate.

I hope you got a good nights sleep flowers

Lizzabadger Fri 04-Oct-13 08:14:35

Because they have a sense of entitlement.

It might not feel like it now but trust me, you are well rid of someone like that.

Boosterseat Fri 04-Oct-13 08:15:17

entitled to tit blush oh for ducks sake.

It.

grin

holstenlips Fri 04-Oct-13 08:19:58

:-D Booster. He thinks hes entitled to many tits!!
I think, from what other women at work have told me, he has a compulsion. Maybe because he has a tiny cock. (Sorry) im ok. Off to work. Brave face on and heels x

Onebuddhaisnotenough Fri 04-Oct-13 08:21:02

When your husband cheats on you Joan, please do come back and share your feelings.
And at the very least RTFT angry

OP he did this. Because he's a selfish entitled git. You deserve so much more.

maleview70 Fri 04-Oct-13 08:21:03

Windy- that's not neccesarily true especially where men are
Concerned.

A friend of mine who is extremely happy with his wife has just had a 4 week fling with a girl he met on a course. It's over now as he realised what was at stake but he described the feeling he had while in the affair as completely Intoxicating. This was a girl 20 years his Junior and classic MLC but it can happen when you are happy.

Boosterseat Fri 04-Oct-13 08:27:15

<watches Holsten sashay away with her heels looking awesome>

I think you're awesome Holsten, you have so much more to offer than that prick, you have class.

cupcake78 Fri 04-Oct-13 08:30:11

I think it depends on the nature of the cheating. EA and one night stands and sexual affairs are all different. As are people and their relationships.

The one thing they all have in common is attention.

Fairenuff Fri 04-Oct-13 08:35:30

People cheat because they don't care enough about their partner not to.

Sorry, but that's the bottom line. They can be happily married, they can love their partner, they can want to stay with their partner. But at that moment, they don't actually care enough about their partner.

Emma Thompson put it so well in The Tall Guy - when he said it meant nothing to him - 'Yes, but when you were with her, I meant nothing to you'.

holstenlips Fri 04-Oct-13 12:35:14

Oh god :-( im at work only my 3rd day back after 2 months off with depression and I cant cope seeing him. Crying at my desk again

holstenlips Fri 04-Oct-13 12:35:38

Oh god :-( im at work only my 3rd day back after 2 months off with depression and I cant cope seeing him. Crying at my desk again

Boosterseat Fri 04-Oct-13 12:45:39

He wasn't fit to lick your boots Holsten, I think its high time you spoke to your supervisor and seek support at work.

MN nest of vipers are here for you, i for one am not going anywhere.

holstenlips Fri 04-Oct-13 12:55:49

Thank you x

Kaluki Fri 04-Oct-13 12:56:47

I've often wondered why and can only come up with one reason - because they are selfish and dishonest!
Don't cry at your desk, I know it's hard but take a deep breath, hold your head high and act like you don't give a shit ... then fake it till you make it !!
thanks so sorry you are going through this

holstenlips Fri 04-Oct-13 15:29:16

Its so difficult working together. I ended up raising my voice at him in the office :-( and then even worse I swore at him (piss off) and a customer heard me. I will probably get fired :-(
Im going to have to tell someone everything.
Hes a cheat and always has been .I feel sick everytime Isee him. He was begging for another chance but anyway theres no point as I dont feel the same about him now. I never knew him
Cheating and lies just to boost his self esteem. Mines through the floor right now.

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