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amazing how you can be in the same room as someone and be lonely...marriage, it's a dull thing

(33 Posts)
netsuke Thu 03-Oct-13 21:58:12

I mean, we get on fine

Fine.

It's ok.

We have lots of kids, jobs, tired etc
I understand WHY it's all so dull

But fuck me, isn't it lonely...when he's consumed with his own crap and me with mine and it's all supposed to be worth it in the end.

BitOutOfPractice Fri 04-Oct-13 12:56:22

Offred are you me? I could have written that!!

I don'tknow whatthe answer is OP but wanted to say I know how you feel

PS I separated 8 years ago...

Offred Fri 04-Oct-13 11:10:08

I just left a relationship similar to this. He didn't want to change things, improve communication or intimacy. He was happy with his head in the sand and ignoring my misery. I worked at it for at least a year on my own before I realised it was pointless. When I left he suddenly wanted to work on it and do all the things I asked for; counselling etc a year before. Needless to say it was too late. I'm happy with the choice I made to leave. I don't want to waste more of my life on him.

SoYo Fri 04-Oct-13 10:56:48

OP I think you are me in a couple of years time. How depressing. Oh well, companionship it is then!

fuzzpig Fri 04-Oct-13 10:53:02

Life can be endless drudgery when you have all the responsibility that comes with having a family.

You need to inject some newness into your time together when the DCs are in bed or in school (easy for me to say as we both work PT - if you are both FT could you take a day's leave together?)

It's simple things really. DH and I were spending every evening just lounging in front of old DVDs, but now and again even making the effort to simply watch a new film makes things more interesting (easily pleased aren't i grin). Or you could cook a new recipe together.

Also if you can, have an evening out once a week - on separate days. If you're feeling lonely when your together, you may as well actually do something more productive. Join a club/choir/adult ed class/leisure centre. It should refresh the remaining 5 evenings as you have something to talk about, and unlike doing something together (which is good too) it doesn't require a babysitter.

There's lots of good suggestions on this thread. Talk to DH at a time when you're both in a good mood and agree to try some. Marriages need work to maintain but it's worth the effort.

Lavenderhoney Fri 04-Oct-13 10:35:54

Rubbing feet! that's enough to make me swoon back onto the sofa and immerse myself in the tellysmile and talk of massage oil just makes me worry for the sheets...

rubyrubyruby Fri 04-Oct-13 07:10:52

Bring back the intimacy - it doesn't have to be sex.
Sit with him, massage his shoulders, rub his feet.
You don't need words to connect.

ZingWantsCake Fri 04-Oct-13 04:52:56

sad

Lavenderhoney Fri 04-Oct-13 04:24:03

Well, I feel like an old old lady- dh works evenings, he has a break between 4-6, goes back to work, I put the dc to bed, and either read, watch tv, tidy up, maybe an excercise DVD, dh gets home about midnight but I am in bed asleep as I have to be up at 6 for the dc. I go to bed so early I might as well be 6 myself.

And so it goes on. I don't want to go to book clubs and things just for the sake of it. I have done a degree on ou, I have researched my family tree.
My dh has a social life as he goes for a drink after work sometimes, which is fine. Or is it?

I have friends but they all have dh who are there at night, and I don't want to go out and party then go back to my evenings. I'm slightly scared I will miss it too muchsmile

ZippityDoodahday Thu 03-Oct-13 23:45:42

Therapy/reading a self-help book together, screen ban one night a week, date night once a month. These are all things you should ask dh to consider partaking in. As you say, you've already tried to build intimacy.

And ask him & ask yourself, is your relationship worth mending? What is he unhappy about & are you both willing to remedy it? Especially ask him if he feels pleasing you makes him happy (at all?) as you're the one who is the 'pleaser' & (you think) there should be some equilibrium. wrt to input into making the marriage a strong, loving one.

I think you deserve answers & your dh's willingness or much rather enthusiasm, to work on the marriage.

AnandaTimeIn Thu 03-Oct-13 23:42:33

Goodness me..

glad I'm divorced

DS is out (early 20's), I can be lonely by myself (love alone time) and/or go out and do my own thing over the weekend.

It's all up to me! grin

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat Thu 03-Oct-13 23:29:09

Personally I think screens ( of all types) have a lot to Answer for. TV's, consoles, laptops and tablets are slowly Turning us into an anti social and self centred species. Maybe have a 'screen ban' once a week?

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat Thu 03-Oct-13 23:26:18

Yes absolutely agree, we are still in there...beneath the tiredness, responsibility etc. And every few months, the spark flares enough to sustain the whole marriage

^ It's the classic case of trying to find enough time and energy over a sustained period to keep things ticking along in your marriage and stopping taking one another for granted. I don't know many that manage it, and those that do seem to have more energy for life than I do (lazy me, can't help it)

I do think perhaps it gets better as the kids grow up (or maybe when they leave home??!!)

lemmingcurd Thu 03-Oct-13 23:16:04

when are they having the mn namechange awards? I vote for MyCat.
nowt useful to contribute on thread topic sorry

netsuke Thu 03-Oct-13 23:00:59

DH is unhappy but he will not address the problem, he just sees it all as his cross to bear

I have tried to build intimacy, believe me...I am patient, good natured willing to make him happy....whilst he is a natural pessimist. Hard to pep up a person like that...

ElleMorte Thu 03-Oct-13 22:46:20

I got lucky, since my eldest is now moved out and willingly has her younger sisters occasionally in return for grandparently babysitting.

Although, the console game is something we can do for a couple of hours when they go to bed. At the weekend anyway, he goes to bed at the same time as them during the week - when he's here, he doesn't live here anyway.

I think the first hurdle is recognising you need more fun together. Both of you recognising that.

ZippityDoodahday Thu 03-Oct-13 22:45:34

It sounds like you need to rebuild the intimacy in your marriage.
How about: talking to eachother about what you miss most. You could start the conversation off. Try making an effort to be more physically affectionate (to one another). Go out for dinner & theatre/cinema together. Turn all screens off, share a bottle of whatever & play a board game & have fun!
HTH x

Keepithidden Thu 03-Oct-13 22:43:04

Another soul for the grinder here too. Sitting in bed alone waiting for the sandman, trying not to dwell too much on the loneliness. Hopefully wre're still there. It's the only thing to go on the at the moment.

Good night everyone. Tomorrow is another day.

netsuke Thu 03-Oct-13 22:41:02

Yes I agree, fun is the key and we should spend time doing that....our problem is all cash/time sucked into child needs, clubs, activities, they come first etc etc no family to take them off our hands either

ElleMorte Thu 03-Oct-13 22:37:17

Me and the bloke were like this, for far too long until the marriage died. A couple of years later we're giving it another go. But this time, we're quite aware that we have to make some time to 'play together' and not in a naked way.

We spent most of last weekend with the kids away and us battling co-operatively on a console game. Much fun was had.

netsuke Thu 03-Oct-13 22:37:03

Yes absolutely agree, we are still in there...beneath the tiredness, responsibility etc. And every few months, the spark flares enough to sustain the whole marriage

Bimblepops Thu 03-Oct-13 22:35:44

Good to know I'm not alone with this scenario...albeit still very depressing

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat Thu 03-Oct-13 22:30:01

Meant to start all that with DO, not so, sorry.

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat Thu 03-Oct-13 22:29:33

So you find it's cyclical though? I feel like this, sometimes quite intently and then there are times like at the moment when DH and I step away from our prospective screens and actually make an effort to just cook and eat together or get someone to mind the Smalls and go for a walk together and I realise I don't NEED to be lonely or bored, that if I try and scratch the surface that fun, humorous, loving man I met all those years ago is still in there! (As is the up-for-any-adventure, fun, woman HE married!)

netsuke Thu 03-Oct-13 22:23:15

Yep he has his laptop I have mine, mostly we read news articles and other dull activities; occasionally he looks at pert nude ladies, I read x rated fanfiction...which enables us to fire up enough enthusiasm to fuck...so it goes.

Oh yes.

I've spent the evening sitting next to him cleansing my work inbox.

I'd love for it to be fun and jaz hands but neither of us have the energy tbh.

<yawns>

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