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amazing how you can be in the same room as someone and be lonely...marriage, it's a dull thing

(33 Posts)
netsuke Thu 03-Oct-13 21:58:12

I mean, we get on fine

Fine.

It's ok.

We have lots of kids, jobs, tired etc
I understand WHY it's all so dull

But fuck me, isn't it lonely...when he's consumed with his own crap and me with mine and it's all supposed to be worth it in the end.

Floopy21 Thu 03-Oct-13 22:01:48

quite. No advice, just nods.

Jesseismysecretcrush Thu 03-Oct-13 22:12:01

another nod..

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Thu 03-Oct-13 22:15:03

Can you talk about your crap together? Shared crap is halved crap.

Yep. Worries, work, kids... all stuff that takes up space in your mind & stops you communicating.

netsuke Thu 03-Oct-13 22:18:20

Divorce...No, I am fond of the boring man. Plus would fuck kids up

Affair..., morally dubious, I'm just too dull and honest.

Therapy....ha haha...that would involve dull husband admitting there is an issue when anything I mention is 'emotional' or 'irrational'

Swinging...hmm germs

MyCatIsAStupidBastard Thu 03-Oct-13 22:19:21

Yup.

I don't want anyone else, but sometimes I think i may as well be on my own.

Passthecake30 Thu 03-Oct-13 22:20:13

Nodding here. Apart from getting babysitter every couple of months it's dull as dull can be. He has his sofa...I have mine, he has the remote, I have the IPad

Yawn

Oh yes.

I've spent the evening sitting next to him cleansing my work inbox.

I'd love for it to be fun and jaz hands but neither of us have the energy tbh.

<yawns>

netsuke Thu 03-Oct-13 22:23:15

Yep he has his laptop I have mine, mostly we read news articles and other dull activities; occasionally he looks at pert nude ladies, I read x rated fanfiction...which enables us to fire up enough enthusiasm to fuck...so it goes.

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat Thu 03-Oct-13 22:29:33

So you find it's cyclical though? I feel like this, sometimes quite intently and then there are times like at the moment when DH and I step away from our prospective screens and actually make an effort to just cook and eat together or get someone to mind the Smalls and go for a walk together and I realise I don't NEED to be lonely or bored, that if I try and scratch the surface that fun, humorous, loving man I met all those years ago is still in there! (As is the up-for-any-adventure, fun, woman HE married!)

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat Thu 03-Oct-13 22:30:01

Meant to start all that with DO, not so, sorry.

Bimblepops Thu 03-Oct-13 22:35:44

Good to know I'm not alone with this scenario...albeit still very depressing

netsuke Thu 03-Oct-13 22:37:03

Yes absolutely agree, we are still in there...beneath the tiredness, responsibility etc. And every few months, the spark flares enough to sustain the whole marriage

ElleMorte Thu 03-Oct-13 22:37:17

Me and the bloke were like this, for far too long until the marriage died. A couple of years later we're giving it another go. But this time, we're quite aware that we have to make some time to 'play together' and not in a naked way.

We spent most of last weekend with the kids away and us battling co-operatively on a console game. Much fun was had.

netsuke Thu 03-Oct-13 22:41:02

Yes I agree, fun is the key and we should spend time doing that....our problem is all cash/time sucked into child needs, clubs, activities, they come first etc etc no family to take them off our hands either

Keepithidden Thu 03-Oct-13 22:43:04

Another soul for the grinder here too. Sitting in bed alone waiting for the sandman, trying not to dwell too much on the loneliness. Hopefully wre're still there. It's the only thing to go on the at the moment.

Good night everyone. Tomorrow is another day.

ZippityDoodahday Thu 03-Oct-13 22:45:34

It sounds like you need to rebuild the intimacy in your marriage.
How about: talking to eachother about what you miss most. You could start the conversation off. Try making an effort to be more physically affectionate (to one another). Go out for dinner & theatre/cinema together. Turn all screens off, share a bottle of whatever & play a board game & have fun!
HTH x

ElleMorte Thu 03-Oct-13 22:46:20

I got lucky, since my eldest is now moved out and willingly has her younger sisters occasionally in return for grandparently babysitting.

Although, the console game is something we can do for a couple of hours when they go to bed. At the weekend anyway, he goes to bed at the same time as them during the week - when he's here, he doesn't live here anyway.

I think the first hurdle is recognising you need more fun together. Both of you recognising that.

netsuke Thu 03-Oct-13 23:00:59

DH is unhappy but he will not address the problem, he just sees it all as his cross to bear

I have tried to build intimacy, believe me...I am patient, good natured willing to make him happy....whilst he is a natural pessimist. Hard to pep up a person like that...

lemmingcurd Thu 03-Oct-13 23:16:04

when are they having the mn namechange awards? I vote for MyCat.
nowt useful to contribute on thread topic sorry

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat Thu 03-Oct-13 23:26:18

Yes absolutely agree, we are still in there...beneath the tiredness, responsibility etc. And every few months, the spark flares enough to sustain the whole marriage

^ It's the classic case of trying to find enough time and energy over a sustained period to keep things ticking along in your marriage and stopping taking one another for granted. I don't know many that manage it, and those that do seem to have more energy for life than I do (lazy me, can't help it)

I do think perhaps it gets better as the kids grow up (or maybe when they leave home??!!)

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat Thu 03-Oct-13 23:29:09

Personally I think screens ( of all types) have a lot to Answer for. TV's, consoles, laptops and tablets are slowly Turning us into an anti social and self centred species. Maybe have a 'screen ban' once a week?

AnandaTimeIn Thu 03-Oct-13 23:42:33

Goodness me..

glad I'm divorced

DS is out (early 20's), I can be lonely by myself (love alone time) and/or go out and do my own thing over the weekend.

It's all up to me! grin

ZippityDoodahday Thu 03-Oct-13 23:45:42

Therapy/reading a self-help book together, screen ban one night a week, date night once a month. These are all things you should ask dh to consider partaking in. As you say, you've already tried to build intimacy.

And ask him & ask yourself, is your relationship worth mending? What is he unhappy about & are you both willing to remedy it? Especially ask him if he feels pleasing you makes him happy (at all?) as you're the one who is the 'pleaser' & (you think) there should be some equilibrium. wrt to input into making the marriage a strong, loving one.

I think you deserve answers & your dh's willingness or much rather enthusiasm, to work on the marriage.

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