Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Paranoid & insecure or justified?

(107 Posts)
FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 20:04:23

Have NC for this.
DP & I have been together for 2 years. Been through some ups & downs but generally happy. Is the best relationship I've ever had in terms of fun, companionship & feeling loved. We have made long term plans, seriously talked marriage etc.
DP got a new job in another town approx 100 miles away last month & is living there during the week, coming home at weekends. My house sale is going through at the moment & am planning on moving up to live with DP with my DC in the next month or so.

The only problems we have had have related to DP's struggles with communication & his sulking, giving me the cold shoulder. Since he's started his new job we've had a few episodes of him sulking/withdrawing which he's blamed on being stressed over the new job.

This week he's been particularly distant although we found a house to move into & put a deposit down & he seems genuinely excited about this.
Yesterday I waited all day for him to get in touch & nothing. I text him to say I wasn't feeling good (had surgery last week). He replied 'oh dear' and thing else. After several hours I text him again asking if everything was ok, saying I felt he'd been disconnecting from me last few weeks which was making me nervous about the move. He read it (on iMessage so get read receipts) but no reply for 2 hours. I rang him, no reply. Eventually got a vile text message from him about 11pm saying he'd had a shit day at work & couldn't cope with the extra pressure I was putting on him. I replied apologising that it had come across as pressure & reminded him my life is pretty stressful too right now so it'd be nice if we could support each other, no reply.

Fast forward to today, I text him about an hour ago asking if we were chatting today. No response. According to iMessage it's been delivered but not read.

I should say, when things are good, we're in more or less constant contact so these silences are very very out of character.

I don't know what to do now. Leave him be? Ring him? I genuinely don't think I'm being demanding but maybe I am wrong. Prepared to listen to anyone who thinks I'm being high maintenance.

I know I won't sleep tonight if I don't hear from him & recovering from surgery I really could do with a good nights sleep tonight.

Apologies for the MASSIVE post.

CailinDana Thu 03-Oct-13 23:14:20

Nope flappy it doesn't. He says he loves you. Do his actions show that?

CailinDana Thu 03-Oct-13 23:15:33

What did he actually say to you after the miscarriage?

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 23:21:49

Yes, generally his actions do very much show that. He was sad about the first miscarriage. We cried together about it. He bought me a rose bush which we planted together to remind us of the baby.
He regularly sends me funny snippets he's found on the internet to make me laugh, he cares for my children, he takes them on days out, he buys them little presents he knows they'll love, he writes me notes telling me he loves me & hides them round the house, he cuddles me to sleep every night, he makes me laugh until I cry.....I could go on. When things are good, they are blinding, beyond compare but he struggles badly with communicating about his emotions beyond telling me he loves me.

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 23:23:15

In the past when I've told him that his sulking makes me feel unloved & rejected he has found it incomprehensible that I could doubt his love for me.

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 23:24:44

Diagonally, no, I don't work. I'm a part time student & have a 3 year old so am claiming IS & CTC as a lone parentX

CailinDana Thu 03-Oct-13 23:38:07

What's the worst thing he's said to you?

FlappyBrain Fri 04-Oct-13 06:47:30

Sorry, I fell asleep. Woken to no contact from him.
Cailin- the worst thing he's said to me......errrr..last time we argued he went silent, refused to talk but told me he didn't want to be with me anymore. Was texting me within the hour telling me he'd made a mistake though.

CailinDana Fri 04-Oct-13 06:56:31

He sounds like a lot of hard work flappy. Are you ok with the relationship being like this - long silences, uncertainty with the possibility that if he does't fancy you/doesn't get enough sex he'll do a runner?

JustBecauseICan Fri 04-Oct-13 06:57:16

A serial shagger who treats you like shit when he's not ignoring you but when it's good it's mindblowing.....

No, when it's good, it's because he can be arsed. Which clearly, from your posts, is not very often.

Given his track record and the fact he is working away 5 days a week I would almost bet good money he's already fucking someone else, or at the very least enjoying his "freedom".

The bad bits you write in the past tense, the gushy bits about him loving you in the present. He doesn't love you. It doesn't even sound like he likes you very much tbh. He sounds vile. You need to stop making excuses for him (he isn't "emotionally immature"- he is a vile abusive twat who doesn't deserve you)

Do not even think of staying with this dreadful clump of self-righteous, self-loving testosterone. There is always a way.

FlappyBrain Fri 04-Oct-13 07:19:16

No, i'm not ok with it being like this. Not ok at all. Until yesterday I thought these were just his indiosyncracies but now he's blanked me for 24 hours I am terrified.

CailinDana Fri 04-Oct-13 07:24:23

Blanking ou for 24 hours is really properly nasty. His reaction once you do get hold of him will tell you all you need to know.

itwillgetbettersoon Fri 04-Oct-13 07:27:51

Whatever flappy he is being very rude to you. Would you allow a friend to treat you like this or would you treat someone like this? I very much doubt it. Can you let him move into the flat on his own and you find somewhere where you are now and get HB etc and get yourself sorted. If you move in with him you will be so financially and emotionally dependent on him. Give it more time there is no rush. Keep strong.

WeeHelena Fri 04-Oct-13 07:41:15

I feel almost enraged on your behalf
He knows how the silent treatment makes you feel and he still does it time and again.
he did it all because you were seeking comfort from him,being stressed at work is no excuse for that,
a simple tx stating he is feeling down/stressed too would have been ok and simply related with how your feeling rather than shooting you down and blaming you for making his day worse.

Seems like he punishes you when you need him most,I doubt he will change either when there is no incentive to do so.
I really recommend looking for other available housing options even if you don't intend to split right now it will help knowing these things.

You only have a few weeks left before you move and I would now lay it on the line to him that you won't accept this behaviour and he either starts communicating his feeling like a mature adult or you will not be moving in with him.

If you do move in with him please save a secret emergency housing deposit/rent fund, you never know you might need it and you don't want to be stuck in a bad situation longer than you have to,if you don't end up needing it then least it will be a nice little nest egg.

olgaga Fri 04-Oct-13 08:20:17

Agree with most of what's been said here.

This man is not who you think he is. He's not the man HE likes to think he is.

You need a Plan B - find a place for you and your DC. Don't put them in such a tense, unstable situation, even if you want to go ahead d give it a try.

Are you getting no equity at all from the house sale? Why is that?

FlappyBrain Fri 04-Oct-13 08:24:03

No, I am getting equity from the house but obviously I won't have access to it in time to put a deposit on a new place to live. And it's not a lot. Certainly not enough to live on or avoid me needing to claim HB.

Mojavewonderer Fri 04-Oct-13 09:23:01

Of course it's mind blowing when it's good but it would be if he's sulking and acting like a baby all the other times!
Jeez I would get someone to have your child this weekend and go and see what the crack is! He sounds just awful and way too much hard work. I too think he's met someone and is being mean to you in the hope you'll dump him first!

awakemysoull Fri 04-Oct-13 09:41:10

I've just read through this and I've been in this situation before.

I ended up moving in with dp and to be honest it's been very very difficult. I gave up my house, home town, job etc for him to move in and find he's never really been that interested. I'm now stuck although things have improved majorly since we first got together. As much as I could leave, I don't want to and will put up with the bad stuff because the good is amazing.

He was away a lot and He used to go days without contact and it used to piss me off because I'd worry about him.

My advice is do not text or call him at all. Wait for him to call or text you. He will need you before you need him I can guarantee it. If you don't contact him, he can't play the 'you're stressing me out' card. It's awful when you are worrying and worked up but just wait and see how it plays out over the next day or two.

A lot of people are saying LTB but only you know what you want to do. Is he worth working through this rough patch for? Is he really sure this is what he wants? It sounds like he's having second thoughts. I don't think he's found someone else but he may be out enjoying his 'freedom' which he will soon get bored of. He is very insensitive especially when you have just had surgery. I hope you feel better soon

FlappyBrain Fri 04-Oct-13 10:38:28

Wow, thank you awake. That's a useful post.
FWIW, I've had a text from him this morning telling me he's alive & was not at all well yesterday & slept for 14 hours. To be fair to him, I've seen him react to work stress like this before- it incapacitates him sometimes.

However, in his text he said nothing more than that. Didn't ask if I was ok.

I do think it's worth working things through. I know I have a lot of sorting out of my own issues to do. I've had a few relationships that have followed a similar route so can only draw from that that I must, to some extent, be to blame given I'm the common denominator. I can be guilty of being impatient & selfish & wanting things NOW and on my terms. I don't see it at the time but in retrospect, certainly from the point of view of an emotionally stilted man I can see that this behaviour might be too much & lead to withdrawal. I wish I wasn't like, I wish I didn't just push & push & push to get my own way and instead, back off, give him some space & wait for him to come to me.
I don't doubt he's now digging his heels in because I've 'not listened' to his plea to stop 'putting pressure on him'.
I'm not excusing his behaviour, I'm just saying that I think I have to accept some of the blame.

This weekend is tricky. I've got a big birthday event happening tomorrow night. About 30 friends coming together to see me so I can't just disappear off to find him. I know I SHOULD just disappear off with my mates, have a fantastic time & pick up with him on my return but given I don't know if he is even planning to come home tonight, I can't get my head round the thought of being up for a night out tomorrow.

FlappyBrain Fri 04-Oct-13 10:42:10

Awake, realise my thank you message sounded insincere. Wasn't meant to- genuinely mean thank you.
Are you happy now? Dues your DP still continue to behave in the same way? How does he justify his behaviour to you?

wannaBe Fri 04-Oct-13 11:05:03

one of the most important things in a successful relationship is communication, and it sounds to me as if this is severely lacking in yours.

it's one thing to react to stresss in a distant way, e.g. not wanting to talk about it/perhaps just wanting space to chill out without the pressure of constant chit chat. But actually cutting off your partner when your feeling stressed is not ok.

I don't buy into the once a cheat always a cheat line. Cheating is never ok, but just because someone does it once doesn't mean they will necessarily do it again, plus the fact he has been honest about it is IMO a good sign - people generally don't divulge that kind of information if it's likely they are going to repeat the cycle, because it sets the relationship up on an instant footing of potential mistrust.

but sulking and cutting you off when he's having a bad day is manipulative and I would be seriously considering whether I could have a future with someone like that.

it takes a couple of seconds to write a text saying "am feeling stressed, going to chill for a bit," or some such rather than just refusing to answer texts which just make you feel worse.

If you want this relationship then you need to have a serious discussion about communication and about the two of you getting on the same track in terms of communication. Without good communication, no relationship can survive.

Each to their own - but this is NOT worth working through.
He sounds absolutely horrid and abusive.
Silent treatment!!!??? Abusers do this!
It is not acceptable.
He hasn't even asked if you and the kids are OK.
Sorry, he's not a nice person and you should NOT be uprooting your life and YOUR DC lives for this twat.
Sorry, but I'd bet my next payslip, he's already shagging someone else and the sooner you realise this better.
That's what happens when they have affairs - get more distant - contact gets less and less.
Wake up and smell the coffee - PLEASE!!!!
There are too many red flags here to mention.

JoinYourPlayfellows Fri 04-Oct-13 11:11:44

Pull out of your house sale.

It is incredibly unfair of you to uproot your children from their lives to force them to live with this moody asshole.

Branleuse Fri 04-Oct-13 11:35:57

pull out of the house sale. Honestly. This guy will drive you mental

awakemysoull Fri 04-Oct-13 11:41:34

Flappy - he doesn't justify it at all. I just put up with it because, like you, I feel somehow I must be to blame because every relationship is the same with me.

Things are a lot better than they were at the start. He has been here a lot more and seems really happy. We talk more now and communicate properly. He has the odd sulk which he now knows will be ignored. I think it was an attention thing - our dcs took most of my attention and he felt left out.

I know this advice is the opposite of what everyone else is telling you, I just wanted you to see it from the staying with him point of view.

Like I said before, only you can make that decision and you have to do what you want to and what will make you and your dcs happy. If leaving him is going to break your heart and cause massive amounts of stress, see if you can work through the bad things to stay with him. It may or may not get better but at least you can say you tried and gave it yoir all

JoinYourPlayfellows Fri 04-Oct-13 11:46:52

"If leaving him is going to break your heart and cause massive amounts of stress, see if you can work through the bad things to stay with him. It may or may not get better but at least you can say you tried and gave it yoir all"

That is TERRIBLE advice to give anyone, but particularly to a woman with CHILDREN.

What about their hearts? What about their lives? What about what is best for them?

How can it possibly be best for them to have their house sold from under them, to move schools, move to a new town where they don't know anyone, all so their mother can chase her moody, horribly boyfriend around the country hoping their crap relationship might somehow work out?

You shouldn't be giving YOUR ALL to this moody fucker, you should be giving it to the small people who are dependent on you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now