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Is it possible to move on from an affair?

(83 Posts)
mrscraig Thu 03-Oct-13 16:09:03

I found out just over 4 months ago that my husband had been having an affair with a much younger colleague. To say it came as a huge shock is something of an under statement- I've known him for most of my life and thought I knew him better than anyone.

At the time he moved out and, after a lot of soul searching, I decided to try again. Over the last few months though I have uncovered the depth of the affair. Including details of how many times they had sex, initially he swore that hadn't happened.
I have two daughters and feel wretched for them. I also really deeply love my husband - this in itself makes me feel weak and desperate. How pathetic am I??!
He is entrenched in my history and I never imagined being in this situation. He is trying to make amends but we are so uneasy with each other. If feels like we take one step forward and two back all the time.
To write down the extent of my excruciating pain would take forever. A million thoughts, ideas and images trawl through my mind constantly.
I read a lot of threads on here by women in my position. I know I'm not alone.
I read on another thread yesterday about how you should have a 'bottom line' of what you will not accept. In truth, what he has done falls below that bottom line. I feel so torn though- I feel I should give things more time and not make a hasty decision. But I am just so do tired and exhausted of feeling so utterly bewildered.
I'm also aware though that divorce on grounds of adultery you have a 6 month window- if we do divorce I bloody well want the truth on that certificate!!!!
I'm sorry for the ramble. Do i make any sense????
I suppose what I really want to know is can you ever really recover? Or am I going to live with this haunting us and never able to truly move on? My heart is just broken and I feel so so sad.

mrscraig Fri 04-Oct-13 17:17:08

Thank you for all the messages. Have been at work today - which helps as I haven't time to pick over it.

I will look into a counsellor. Perhaps talking to someone neutral will help.
Thanks again for helping to keep me (just) the right side of sanity.

Vivacia Fri 04-Oct-13 18:27:21

I asked on a previous thread of PTFswife what actions you can see from a partner who is truly making amends (rather than just saying the right thing). Somebody suggested being open with all passwords and transferring savings to your name. Are you doing either of these PTF?

PTFsWife Fri 04-Oct-13 19:39:02

yes - all passwords are shared. Including banking ones. I could clean him out tomorrow if I wanted to. But I don't want to as I have to try and build a life together, not erode what we have

Vivacia Fri 04-Oct-13 20:18:52

Good luck to you both PTFs.

3HotCrossBuns Fri 04-Oct-13 20:25:56

My H too - total transparency with email, phone, pc etc, all passwords given to me, tracker on his phone. That's all well and good but doesn't 'delete' the bad things he has done and the lies he told. I'm still struggling with that.

str8tothepoint Fri 04-Oct-13 20:39:11

You will probably never trust him again, always wonder where he is, what he's doing, is he where he says he is, why torment yourself when HE did wrong. He fucked up, ruined your life and frankly doesn't deserve you, you deserve better

Vivacia Fri 04-Oct-13 20:45:35

Do you use the passwords (anyone in this situation)? Must be awful having to take responsibility for their fidelity.

3HotCrossBuns Fri 04-Oct-13 20:51:06

I don't feel I am taking responsibility for his fidelity - I've spent time monitoring him and time when I don't over the last 5 months. H is very keen to prove himself to me, he wants the opportunity to prove himself trustworthy again. Which will only come in time anyway, if ever. I am fully aware it's a 'fool's gold' as its easy to have secret phones, emails etc. For now I'm going along with it.

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