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I feel like my marriage is breaking down :(

(58 Posts)
flootshoot Thu 03-Oct-13 10:43:47

Sorry. This is long, but I need to get it out.

I feel like I never see DH. He works 9-5ish with a 45min drive at either end. Recently lots of work related stuff has come up, conferences, overnight trips etc. I'm confident this is all kosher and not a cover for OW before anyone asks. We moved in the summer to be nearer his job so we'd see more of him but the reality just doesn't seem to have worked that way. His job has become more demanding in terms of after hours stuff, and he's refusing to give up his social commitments. We got back from a short break on Friday and since then he's been out sat afternoon (leaving me jetlagged and with two young DC, despite me saying several times I didn't want him to go), he was out all day Sunday at a sport thing and out last night too. He's out at a conference tonight, possibly staying overnight. He ropes in his mum to help me (she is lovely and doesn't mind), but he seems to think that's it covered when to my thinking that's just him taking the piss out of her as much as me.

Every time I bring it up, it's 'why are you bringing it up now?' Well because there's never a bloody good time, he's never here! I've been angry with him for days but I'm supposed to bottle it up and wait (until when? I don't even know when he's home). I'm so fed up. I'm miserable, lonely, I feel pointless. Today he bitched that I'm not working. I'm not working because I left my job to move house. I've got bank shifts lined up but they're nights. I can't find day work that fits in around DC, and weekend work is going to 'eat into family time.'

This morning I was in floods and he told me I needed to find a solution if I was unhappy. I've told him I'm unhappy because of him so he needs to take some responsibility for that. Poor DS was there too and told DH to 'just leave, daddy'. He's only four, I feel awful.

I'm sorry this is so long and rambling. I know there are far worse relationships and this will seem trivial to some. But I can't go on like this. Ive spent sinking thinking I'm being unreasonable and demanding I never stopped to think that maybe I'm in the right. I don't even know what I want anyone to say.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Oct-13 10:50:10

It's not a marriage of equals is it? Not a partnership or team. It's one man doing his own sweet thing with you relegated to the role of domestic drudge with no opinion. I'm not surprised you feel taken for granted. If he got hit by a bus tomorrow, your life wouldn't change very much at all.

LackaDAISYcal Thu 03-Oct-13 10:50:30

Sorry, no advice but I just didn't want your post to go unanswered. I have a similar relationship with my DH, he works days, I work nights, and our "us" time never really happens. It's shit, but at least we are both aware of the issues, know it won't be forever and are both doing our damnest to hold it together till things get better, including both doing our fair share of childcare and household tasks too. Your DH needs to chip in a bit more; he can't expect you to carry all the domestic duties.

conkertheworld Thu 03-Oct-13 10:51:54

Poor you. Is her perhaps really into his new job and on a bit of an ego trip? Asking you to find a solution is like trying to project manage you rather than being concerned about your emotions.

flootshoot Thu 03-Oct-13 10:57:24

Thank you for answering.

cogito that is exactly how I feel. He's here later in the mornings so I get help getting the kids ready for school but he still finds time to go for a run and in reality the only help I get is with teeth brushing and if one of them needs to jump in the shower with him (only if they've wet the bed/made a huge mess with breakfast). Other than that it's exactly the same as when he had an hour and a half commute.

conker I don't think it's an ego trip, it's more that he genuinely can't see the link between his behaviour and my reaction. If I don't react, everything's rosy in his head and then when I do, it comes as a big surprise. I feel like I have to overreact to make him listen.

flootshoot Thu 03-Oct-13 11:01:00

lackaDAISY you sound like you're in a similar boat, it's just a lot of DH's commitments are social ones that he attends fully through his own choice. He likens it to me going to stitch and bitch. Which I do for an hour and a half, once a week.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Oct-13 11:02:40

Do you have any friends or family that you could take off and go see for a week or two? Leave hearth and home entirely up to him to make the point?

sidneyseagull Thu 03-Oct-13 11:05:27

Oh dear, poor you. That is so hard because it feels dreadful but they can make you feel like you are moaning about nothing.

I agree he sounds like a really bad boss with his 'you need to find a solution'. I have had something similar with an exP - I spent a couple of years thinking I was so demanding, because he said so, when all I asked for was to spend time with him. Now I'm out and with someone who thinks I'm the least demanding partner ever - I'm happy to do lots of things on my own, so I realise now I wasn't being unreasonable.

You are not being unreasonable, but getting him to see that sounds like it could be difficult. Can you talk easily to him at all? Get a sitter and take a walk together - fresh air and exercise and looking in the same direction rather than at each other (which can be confrontational). Use lots of 'I feel...' sentences, instead of 'You are...' sentences as this will make him clam up and be defensive. Suggest solutions...he may chip in with others, and maybe suggest fun things you could do together as a family.

Got to dash but will be back later x

flootshoot Thu 03-Oct-13 11:13:36

I can't take off, there's no one to look after the kids while he's a work. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind that- it's just the evenings and weekends where it seems he'd rather do his own thing than see us.

I'm in that horrible headspace where if I start ranting I'll start thinking of all the little things that annoy me and start building them up in my head IYKWIM.

Even DS is starting to comment on daddy's absence, or when he comes home only to go straight back out again. The DH says we're 'guilt-tripping' him. Sigh.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Oct-13 11:20:05

The whole point of taking off is that he'd have to take time off work and pitch in. He sounds extremely selfish and unpleasant but I doubt he'd let DS come to any harm. If he wants to know why you're taking off, tell him you need some time to think about the future. It would be the truth.

flootshoot Thu 03-Oct-13 11:24:14

I see what you mean cogito, and he know he would look after the DC although the likelihood is he'd call on his parents! He really isn't unpleasant, he's a nice bloke but he can be selfish and I think he really does fail to see how I'm feeling without me spelling it out.

He rang me on his way to the conference and I think he's slightly she'll shocked by how we left things this morning. For the first time I think maybe he's realised that this won't just blow over.

flootshoot Thu 03-Oct-13 11:25:03

Sorry for typos, stupid presumptive autocorrect!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Oct-13 11:29:39

He bitched at you for not working... I call that unpleasant, sorry. Even if his parents did get roped in to manage in your absence, I still think it's worth making the point.

flootshoot Thu 03-Oct-13 11:32:07

True. I'm so used to thinking I'm being unfair on him that it's tough to see it spelt out.

I've got to go out now, am meeting MIL for lunch (honestly I spend more time with her!), but I'll be back. Thank you for the wise words so far.

FrancescaBell Thu 03-Oct-13 11:41:43

Okay here's an exercise for you:

Tell us exactly what he gives to your personal relationship and list the efforts he makes to contribute to your personal happiness.

Because sweetheart, he might not be having an affair yet (tho' don't rule it out) but pound to a penny he will soon, if he gets an opportunity, especially as he's started a new job and is meeting new people at overnight conferences.

From what I'm seeing, he gives nothing. You might say different, so do think about it.

But relationships that aren't nurtured are much easier to discard or damage further. It's like anything. If we look after something and take pride in doing so, we'd never damage it with our own hands and if we lost it, we'd be devastated. Not so much with something we stopped looking after or take for granted.

Jan45 Thu 03-Oct-13 12:04:47

His priorities are all wrong, he's acting like a single man, he's having his cake really isn't he.

Imagine if a woman carried on like this, it would sure be noted and criticised. In a marriage, you are meant to put each other first, work as a team and treat each other equally, you're not getting that hence your anger and frustration. He gets all the fun and you get all the drudgery, he probably thinks he's save in the knowledge that the little wife's at home with child whilst he's out cavorting and socialising with colleagues.

I think it's time you gave him an ultimatum, he either makes you and his child a priority or it's time to call it a day, it won't get better, it will probably get worse unless you make a proper stance.

cjel Thu 03-Oct-13 12:59:04

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Its time toget him to book in time to discuss your unhappiness, Take it from someone who knows, he won't change and you will rush around preparing his life for him and then he doesn't even know you are sad?
Think about what you deserve and need from him and if he calls you names just say you will go. You will be happier without the expectation of family life and then being let down.
Don't listen when he says you are wrong or moaning.
YOu aren't wrong he isn't living like a married man and needs to change.

Why do you cover for all his hobbies? Why don't you take up your own and tell him to cover for you? He is only able to take advantage of you because you let him. Get his mum on side too. Tell her he needs to step up or you are walking out.

Snugglepiggy Thu 03-Oct-13 15:22:33

Think I'm with Francesca on this one.He may be working hard but he is also behaving and talking to you in a selfish and entitled way and that would ring alarm bells for me.Not saying he is up to anything affair wise at the mo,and may never be, but with overnight stays etc and his general grumpiness when you try to raise some very valid points he is behaving more like a single man than married man with DC s.
I only say because we had almost 3 decades of happy marriage where we pulled together as a team through many busy spells,once when DCs were all under 5 and DH had to work away during the week for many months.But I always felt valued and if a was tired and in need of support even if DH couldn't be there to give it I felt he 'heard' me IYKWIM.
Then 3 years ago we went through another busy tough time ,work and family,but when I was tired and unenthusiastic about socialising too much 'cos I was just worn out - turns out there was a medical reason for that -DH was irritable and impatient,and becoming someone I didn't recognise or like as much.I didn't want luxury breaks or even 'stuff' like meals and flowers.Just a hug, a kiss ,and I love and appreciate you.Turns out he had developed a close ,secret friendship with an OW who of course was younger,full of vitality and very flirty - well she would be wouldn't she?!
Comments about you not working are belittling and hurtful and you deserve better.Even if he has just got his head up his arse full of his own importance with being such a busy man, and nothing else is behind it I hope he starts to take seriously how taken for granted you feel.All the best.

Meerka Thu 03-Oct-13 15:41:07

You're not unreasonable at all here.

scenario
You:" I'm going away with son for a while" .. to family / friends
him: "why?!"
You: " it'd be nice to near people who want to spend time with me and the little boy and I don't suppose there'll be much different to you wherever we are. "

I know what my solution would be. I'd bugger off to my mums and see how he manages without his domestic serf.

captainmummy Thu 03-Oct-13 15:59:17

OP - my married life was pretty much the same. My exH (note the ex!) worked long hours, socialised, went off on trips round the world; at one point he was away for a week a month, and I was at home with 3 young dc. I could never get him to take time off - it was always the wrong time, end-of-the-month/quarter/year, even if I was sick i had to pull through it. I had a fantastic circle of friends who I could call on if I needed to split myself in 2 or 3 with appointments etc.
In the end I realised that I would be better off if I didn't have one extra person to pick up after/cook for/organise, and If i was going to be a single parent anyway, then I might as well be one on my own terms.

Not suggesting LTB but he really needs to realise what he will be missing.

flootshoot Thu 03-Oct-13 16:04:03

I'm back. Thank you all for your answers.

It's not so much the domestic side of things, I don't mind doing the majority of that since I'm at home. It's just the fact that no matter how much time work takes up he never seems to give up the social stuff either.

It's always been somewhat of an issue since our hobbies are different and our social lives are pretty much separate. But since DC I choose to mostly stay in (he would be quite happy for me to go out more often to balance out his going out, but that's not the point), and he hasn't really eased off. He thinks he has, and he tells me he's constantly turning things down, which I don't doubt as he's in a very social industry, but it's not about what he turns down, it's about what he doesnt turn down.

He's just rung and said he realises we need to talk. I'm glad he's finally cottoned on but I'm dreading the outcome.

flootshoot Thu 03-Oct-13 16:05:35

captainmummy you've hit the nail on the head, sometimes I only know he still lives here because his pants are in the washing basket!

LEMisdisappointed Thu 03-Oct-13 16:10:52

What about YOUR social stuff? and by this i don't mean lunch with your MIL?

Does he not want you to work weekends because it eats into family time, or because he might have to actually look after his own children?

He needs to grow up

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