I've NCd for this, I've recently directed someone else here and this would make me identifiable.
We have 2 children: 15 and 7. He wants the children to meet her. Now DS has met her very briefly and after doing so said "Well she seemed like a nice young lady".
Stbxh was overjoyed and told me that it was wonderful that DS had like her and waxed lyrical about how well they'd got on. I thought it an odd turn of phrase for a teenage boy to use about a woman in her 30s.
I was right. DS said he had been polite for his dad's sake and that there had been nothing 'wrong' with her, as such, but because of the way they got together, he has no respect for her at all. He doesn't want to see her.
Yesterday I had an email from him saying that he wants her to start being involved in their lives. They don't live together.
He is just being an absolute idiot. His reasons for the children needing to meet her are:
They will like to see him happy and in love because "it's good for children to see their parents are happy and in a loving relationship"
There is always an intrinsic benefit to meeting new people.
She has CRB clearance.
It will be good for them to have fun with someone else and have someone else to take family photos with.
I said to him that it might be meeting his needs to have the children meet her, but it isn't meeting theirs. DS doesn't want to have anything to do with her, but he is accusing me of criticising the OW to him. I haven't. DS is 15 and capable of making up his own mind! However, he's wary about telling his dad he doesn't want to see her because if he rejects one of his dad's suggestions of this nature then his dad just sits there in silence looking glum until DS feels guilty and says something along the lines of: "well um, I mean, I suppose it won't be that bad..." and then his dad perks up. I've been there and seen it for myself. It's all about him.
He had a breakdown after the impact of his affair, and spent the whole email saying "I'm depressed, you know how difficult things are for me, don't make this harder by standing in the way of my happiness" and issuing thinly veiled threats as to what he could do if I refused. And "I'm having 16 sessions of NHS funded CBT to help me deal with how I feel. That's the maximum they offer and they only give that if they think you are at risk..."
To me this suggests that he's not in the best place to be making big decisions anyway.
I work with children who've been damaged by just this sort of situation. But he refuses to consider that it might be anything other than "really lovely" for the children. and is convinced that seeing him happy and in love will offset any upset they might initially feel.
Is there anything I can say to make him see it from their perspective?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Need advice re: stbxh introducing new partner to children, who is also the OW
TroublesomeEx · 03/10/2013 06:51
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