Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Disastrous date feeling a bit frightened

(181 Posts)
Dearjackie Mon 30-Sep-13 22:47:55

I went on a second date with someone tonight. We got along so well on both dates I felt at ease with him. I asked if he wanted to come in for a drink when we got to mine making clear it was just for drink

God I feel quite freaked out at the moment and I don't know if I've over- reacted but I didn't feel very safe so had to tell him to leave. He looked quite shocked and said are you serious like he couldn't believe he'd upset me. What is wrong with me can't I trust anyone?

perfectstorm Tue 01-Oct-13 22:18:35

You know, I read something recently that talked about how many women are victims of rape because they are so socialised into being polite and accommodating that they learn to dismiss their misgivings and turn off their protective radar when something isn't right. And so they go along with all kinds of initial approaches that actually unsettle them, because they tell themselves they're over-reacting and being hysterical, and then it's too late.

This guy was trying really hard to pressure you into sex, spoke unpleasantly about women who are sexually active, tried to talk you into taking things into bed "just to cuddle" (good luck with reporting a rapist who did that first after a date, sadly) and then started asking if you were frightened. Sure, he may have meant that innocently. But someone in work requiring an enhanced CRB should know all about boundaries, and safeguarding. And I would have been scared shitless, too.

I think you should be proud of yourself. He might have been harmless but weird and creepy, in which case you wanted him out, and he was being really rude trying to pressure you and gaslighting you. Or he might have been a potential attacker - and by asserting yourself, you removed yourself from that situation. I hope I'd have the guts to do likewise in a similar situation, but honestly I have no idea if I would. I think the social conditioning on being polite and not offending even people invading our space is painfully strong.

This man is a desperate creep and an abuser, and you were absolutely right to throw him out. You owe him nothing at all: not sex, not a rrelationship, not another date, not a discussion about why you don't want to see him again.
If there are any more emails, reply along the lines of 'I don't want to take this any further, have a nice life and do not contact me again.' If he carries on pestering you, it's fine to inform the police that you are being harassed. A friend of mine dumped a short-term boyfriend for assorted red flags, he harassed her with emails, phonecalls, flowers etc and she involved the police. She said she felt a bit silly doing that but the police were marvellous, took her complaint seriously and went and warned the man off.

Hissy Wed 02-Oct-13 07:33:30

Victims of abuse often go on to attract more creatures of similar types.

This is because - I feel - we give off something in our demeanour that they are attracted to.

When we see a potential threat, as you have done here dearjackie, and vanquish that perceived demon, our confidence grows, we develop a kind of emotional force field that actively and actually REPELS potentially dodgy/abusive dates.

When we realise our ability to protect ourselves is there and we can trust it, as you have, that force field is established.

Until we deal with past abuse, deal with the issues that caused that abuse to be perpetrated against us, we'll have this potential homing beacon for twats.

Investing in ourselves,healing ourselves of the wounds of past dysfunctional relationships will protect and ensure our safety in the future... as long as we trust our instincts, and value ourselves above everyone else when it really matters.

When you get to this place, it's awesome! You feel invincible and know that you can spot and repel a person that may harm you or mess up your head. This in turn helps keep these weak, snide, desperate little creatures away from you.

Remember, for someone to be with you, they have to be worthy of the best job in the world; to be loved by you, so make sure they're worth it!

MrsMinkBernardLundy Wed 02-Oct-13 07:44:10

Hissy thanks

I think one of the dating rules should be you don't invite people who are essentially strangers round your house after knowing them for a few hours

TheCrumpetQueen Wed 02-Oct-13 09:11:50

^Agree.

I met my partner online and for the first few dates it was in very public places and where my family knew where I was just in case. You can't be too careful.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now