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Is it really that bad...because I feel like I want to boot him out

(232 Posts)
EllieInTheRoom Mon 30-Sep-13 20:06:23

I've been a lurker for months and posted once when I first found MN. Ive had to create a new account for this though as I couldn't remember what I'd registered under.

I'm in danger of either massively over reacting or massively under reacting and I would like some advice from some of you wise MNetters to probably do something in between.

I'll try and keep it as short as possible, sorry if it ends up dragging on...

DH and I have had issues for a couple of years now. Particularly during my pregnancy and in the first year or DS's life. He's 18 months now. DH was just a total selfish twunt, like many others probably. Very unsupportive, moody, downright mean on occasions. He also rediscovered porn and as a result we didn't have sex for 20 months. Last Christmas we nearly broke up but decided to try and work it out.

But then another issue came up, which was his work. He is self employed and works hard but dictates his own hours. For the first year of DS's life, he worked way too much and was out most nights. Infact, he was only at home for 47 evenings . I counted on the calendar once. He saw DS for a few hours every morning but because he was never home at night it meant 1) I could never go out with friends or to the gym, 2) I never got a break from the early mornings or sleep disturbance 3) it was hard to get my own work done and 4) I felt very lonely, we never saw each other and I felt our relationship wasn't recovering because of this, it is still very strained. To me anyway, he thinks its fine.

Two months ago, I snapped and said I couldn't go on and things had to change because I refused to live like this any longer. I said we didn't need money that much and laid down some rules. He had to have at least one day off a week, one weekend day a month and two evenings at home a week.

He stuck to it for six weeks. On Friday, he told me that this week he would be out every night working again, but quickly added that he had booked this week before my rules were implemented so he couldn't do anything about it. Then he proceeded to boast about the number of days off he had taken the last six weeks, how good he's been and suggested we have sex to celebrate as we haven't it for a while and tried to get me to thank him. I got annoyed at the time that he expected praise for a basic relationship requirement and forgot to ask the reasons why he had to work.

Anyway, I asked him today. He immediately went on the defensive and told me I never listen, it's impossible to tell me anything. He'd booked the work two months ago. I asked him what and which days and he said Thurs/Fri. It turns out the work he is doing tonight and tomorrow was definitely changeable and would only have been booked last week. I know this because I did the same work for the same people and still do sometimes.

I know for a fact he could have looked at his calendar last week, seen that he was working every night and decided to pass the work on to colleagues, which would have been easy because they all want more work. He didnt want to because he is in a mood with two of the guys he works with and didnt want to give them the extra.

So he has reneged on the agreement because of a stupid mood. I'll be on my own all week, struggling to get my own work done - ive a really busy week ahead - and look after DS

I know it might not seem the worst crime in the world but I feel like telling him to pack his bags. I resent the fact he tried to bluster over it by saying I don't listen to him to distract me from finding out the truth.

We didnt speak for an hour while I mulled over it. Then he started being really nice and sweet and went to work. I havent said my piece yet because I don't know what to say. Very often what would happen is it will just get left and add to the mountain of resentment, which is a permanent fixture in our front room and has a lovely decorative elephant on top of it.

How bad is it really? Thank you, if you've managed to get this far

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 30-Sep-13 20:12:26

It all sounds pretty miserable, really.

He seems to have completely checked out of family life and is using work as an excuse.

I think given his selfishness, horribleness, lying, porn use, bad sex life and disengagement, you would not be overreacting to ask him to leave for a while.

It sounds as if he is very selfish. Beyond that, not sure tbh. Would he consider relationship counselling or is just a non-issue for him cos he gets to live the life he wants, while you don't...

scallopsrgreat Mon 30-Sep-13 20:20:27

No you aren't overreacting. Basically he is limiting your life through his selfishness. His life has barely changed (other than in fact he is seeing even less of you than before). The fact that you are trying to work, look after your DS and do all the housework, I am presuming, is just not on. He has one job.

He also sounds like he is a bit of an arse with his work colleagues too.

If you feel like packing his bags, do it. It certainly doesn't sound like you'd be worse off. What is bringing to your relationship and your DS?

FlatsInDagenham Mon 30-Sep-13 20:28:58

You don't paint a pretty picture here OP.

It is not normal behaviour for a new father to be selfish, unsupportive and porn addicted. You seem to imply that this was just to be expected.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 30-Sep-13 20:30:03

He sounds like a bigamist with all that time spent away from home. I know this isn't just about the money but with all the hours worked, please tell me you and DS see some of it. I'm sorry OP but his priorities sound skewed.

AnyFucker Mon 30-Sep-13 20:32:09

Why are you with this selfish and detached man ?

I am sure you could do better than this.

EllieInTheRoom Mon 30-Sep-13 20:32:23

TBF he's brilliant with DS. That's the reason we are all still here really. DS just loves his daddy.

He thinks he's a new man, he's being nicer to me when he is here, he's being more helpful. But to me, this is just a basic level of a relationship. I think after our troubles, I expected an amazing amount if effort and for us to be happy.

He says things will improve on their own when DS is older. Whenever I try to talk about our old troubles he says I am being unfair to bring it up. He's said sorry and that should be that. I have a lot of unresolved issues though. My confidence in the bedroom is zero but I can't talk about it because its "unfair".

Maybe I will suggest counselling. I really don't know how to have that conversation though. I feel a bit paralysed by it all.

EllieInTheRoom Mon 30-Sep-13 20:34:10

Yeah, I deal with the money. I know he's working when he says he is. I'm in the same field. Im not worried he's having an affair or anything.

When he's here, he does t seem detached. Infact, I feel guilty lately for not feeling like returning his affection or advances.

AnyFucker Mon 30-Sep-13 20:34:27

If you have been readijng any relationships threads, you will see that when you can find nothing good to say about a bloke, the recognised fallback is "but is is a good dad"

well, good dads don't treat their children's mother as if she is an afterthought and prioritise porn over a warm and loving sex life

he can still be a "good dad" when not in this sham "relationship" with you (and you are likely to meet someone much, much better during one of his access times)

expatinscotland Mon 30-Sep-13 20:35:16

He's not brilliant. He's never fucking there!

AnyFucker Mon 30-Sep-13 20:36:35

He's already the Disney parent. Might as well make it official and get a life for yourself too that doesn't involve trying to fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed.

scallopsrgreat Mon 30-Sep-13 20:37:29

How can he be a brilliant father? confused He isn't ever there, he watches porn and treats the mother of his child like shit. When has he ever put you and your DS first?

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 30-Sep-13 20:37:36

How brilliant can he be?

He barely knows your child and is no kind of parent.

Parents of toddlers DO stuff to take care of them.

They spend more than 50 evenings a year at home if they can.

Seriously, he sounds like a lousy parent.

gloucestergirl Mon 30-Sep-13 20:38:06

EllieInTheRoom it sounds like you know that this is totally unreasonable behaviour. A relationship and parenthood should be supportive and shared.

Ask yourself honestly, is this the type of relationship/father to your child that you would like? I wouldn't stand for it in a million years. It is really hard to accept that a relationship should end, but can you see this situation lasting for years into the future? Are you happy now? Will it be better then?

No-one can make the decision for you. But you either have a very painful future with him or cutting him loose. I have mulled over leaving DH many many times and I really understand better the devil you know.

TheCrumpetQueen Mon 30-Sep-13 20:40:44

Sounds fucking lonely and hard, op sad

I think it's time you told him to leave as its not really a loving, supportive relationship. It's you being a housekeeper, nanny, cook and working on top of it all!

TheCrumpetQueen Mon 30-Sep-13 20:41:15

Oh, and what scallops said.

EllieInTheRoom Mon 30-Sep-13 20:48:29

I know what you're saying, and believe me I am not one to blindly defend him. He would always spend an hour or so with DS in the morning. Sometimes, he would take an afternoon off to spend with him but go to work in the evenings. Or he'd nip home for an hour. He never took time off for me though, so no brownie points there.

if I thought DS would be unaffected and wouldn't miss him, it would make it easier. But he would.

I'm not afraid of being on my own. Im afraid of being selfish and unfair. Despite his selfishness, he plays the part of a nice man. He says he loves his family and all the things. But it's his actions. He honestly thinks he's doing it all rut now though and I just wonder if I'm holding a grudge?

Charlottehere Mon 30-Sep-13 20:49:14

He's not there because he doesn't want to be . Ltb.

marriedinwhiteisback Mon 30-Sep-13 20:49:46

My DH was never there when the DC were small. He literally worked 12 hour days, 7 days a week. We did it as a partnership. He, however, was not deeply into porn and never made me feel like shit. But being there and doing bathtime doesn't necessarily make a father a good and loving father.

EllieInTheRoom Mon 30-Sep-13 20:51:14

I feel like I want him to go but it will be just be made out that its because he is working this week. And he has already smoothed over that and forgotten about it.

I feel silly.

Leavenheath Mon 30-Sep-13 20:53:10

His crap fathering is unforgiveable, in my opinion. He has quite simply avoided spending any sustained periods of time at home in order to get out of the work that's involved with a baby.

Plus, he's a porn hound who denied you a sex life for 20 months because of it.

You said his behaviour 'is like many others' and I think that's wrong. It is however like many completely selfish men's behaviour when there's a newborn in the house. But he's not like most decent fathers and men and the point is, he's not good enough in any department.

AnyFucker Mon 30-Sep-13 20:54:14

...and that is how he meant you to feel

You are being yanked about by a manipulator. You can make it stop, if you want to.

EllieInTheRoom Mon 30-Sep-13 20:55:00

There has been a couple of incidents lately where I have strongly disagreed with how he has treated strangers. He was mean to an elderly driver and someone in a bar. It made me not like him.

I think he is completely oblivious to. He unhappy I am and it would be a massive shock for him so I wonder if I owe it to him and DS to spell it out first. But I am worried about having that conversation.

ageofgrandillusion Mon 30-Sep-13 20:55:19

He sounds like a proper wanker this bloke. He also seems to have somehow lowered the bar quite dramatically in terms of your own expectations of what a decent partner should behave like. The upside to all this, of course, is that you are quite capable of bringing your child up alone - you've shown that in DS' first year as you had little help from this fuck-wad. Now all you need to do is kick the fucker out.

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