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Am I imagining it?

(47 Posts)
Looking4support Mon 30-Sep-13 15:47:48

Hi, this is my first time posting and Ive never done this before but I could really could do with some advice.

I've been married five years, and we have a daughter who is 4 years old, but im starting to believe my wife might not be interested in me. And to be perfectly honest, it does not feel like we are lovers. More like friends. After a number of years of wondering, I really need some advice to help us both. We rarely argue, but I don't think we can live together like this any longer.

I really love her and she says she loves me too, but we sleep in different rooms and have not had sex for over 2 years. I've asked her if she is seeing someone else, or is thinking of it, however she gets angry with me for making such a suggestion. She really doesn't go out often (through her own choice) and has quite a small circle of friends.

This might seem crazy, but recently I started to believe that she might be gay. Mostly its the way she interacts with women... But she watches tv programmes i would not expect her to watch, and recently on holiday, she was seriously flirting with a woman who was quite clearly gay.

When I was looking for something a few days ago I found some lesbian fiction books in her bedside cabinet. I really don't how to approach this with her and i certainly dont want to start following or checking up on her.

I really dont have a big circle of friends either, and i wondered if i should broaden my circle of friends to introduce her to somebody like minded? I We live in South Yorkshire

ageofgrandillusion Mon 30-Sep-13 15:51:50

Trust your instincts OP is all i can say. At the very least she sounds bi.

Leverette Mon 30-Sep-13 15:53:37

Are you hoping someone on MN will step forward into the breech and suggest that you watch?

CaptainCupcake Mon 30-Sep-13 15:56:05

What TV programmes could she possibly be watching to make you think she's gay?!

And why would you introduce her to someone "like minded" if you don't want her flirting with other women?

Looking4support Mon 30-Sep-13 16:02:03

What I would really like is to move on with my life. If you lived in a house with someone you love and wanted to spend the rest of your life with, but is not interested in your feelings or making sure you're happy, then you would understand.

I suppose its human nature to think the worst in peoples motives. I have actually spent a lot of time feeling very bitter about it and wondering what to do.

Clearly she isn't happy with me, and thats maybe because she has other feelings that I cant possibly help her with. I just want her to be happy, and obviously I want to move on with my life and feel loved again.

CoffeeAndScones Mon 30-Sep-13 16:02:06

Some unfair comments here. Sounds like OP might want his DW to meet someone she would be happy with and not stay with him if that isn't what she really wants. Maybe I'm being over generous but it sounds quite a loving thing to do, if it means his DW will leave but be happy.

CoffeeAndScones Mon 30-Sep-13 16:03:04

Sorry, x post

LoopThePoop Mon 30-Sep-13 16:09:30

Hang on, will we form an orderly queue to help your wife 'discover' herself. Wouldn't that be so selfless of you to allow that.
Oooooh, we are all for that here. All the wimmens love a bit of lesbo action.

hmm

Dahlen Mon 30-Sep-13 16:15:24

If she is gay, what then?

Divorce and amicable co-parenting? Open relationship on both sides?

Quite, Loop.

hmm here too.

Vivacia Mon 30-Sep-13 16:20:38

I would like to know the tv programme which outs you as a lesbian.

Looking4support Mon 30-Sep-13 16:21:12

Obviously it would mean a divorce. To be honest, it doesn't feel like we are married anyway. We have not discussed how the parenting would work in such an event.

Its mildly amusing that some people seem to think there is something in this for me when I feel like my wife would be the last person on the planet to even ask me in her bedroom.

Looking4support Mon 30-Sep-13 16:23:53

The TV programmes were a small part of my thoughts. Why have some people chosen to focus on that as if I said it in isolation?

sisterofmercy Mon 30-Sep-13 16:24:10

I don't quite know why this is getting the responses it is getting but if this query is serious then the only answer is to get her to talk to you and for both of you to be really honest with each other. Have you asked her about whether she fancies women? And if she won't talk to you you have your answer there - why stay in a relationship where someone doesn't behave like they love you? Her actions don't match her words, what little she has said.

So if 'it would mean a divorce' your OP confuses me even more.
Why did you mention your location?
And ask about introducing her to somebody like minded?
It really did sound in your OP as if you were using MN to tout for some gay company for her.

If you believe your wife is lesbian/big and you can't live with that, then divorce her. I'm sure she's more than capable of finding partners for herself.

bi of course, not big

Beeyump Mon 30-Sep-13 16:27:10

''I really dont have a big circle of friends either, and i wondered if i should broaden my circle of friends to introduce her to somebody like minded? I We live in South Yorkshire''

Soo...what exactly are you hoping to achieve by posting that little nugget on here?

Dahlen Mon 30-Sep-13 16:33:24

I think some posters are assuming the level of detail in the initial post means all is not as it seems. TBH none of us know that about anything posted on MN. Chances are though that someone, somewhere, is grappling with a very real problem not that dissimilar.

I also think that "woman says no to sex so therefore must be gay" is a bit of a cliché in misogyny 101, which may also explain some of the reactions. Again, we don't know the motives or mindset of anyone posting on MN.

I think if you want to call off your marriage OP, it would be wisest to say just that and leave her sexual orientation out of it. It's legitimate enough to say that the lack of sex over a 2 year period is making you feel unfulfilled in your marriage and that you think it's maybe time to move on. It's pretty irrelevant whether she wants sex with men or women if the point is she doesn't want it with you.

Looking4support Mon 30-Sep-13 16:33:46

To put it another way...

Should I simply walk away, and look like I have abandoned my family to all our families and friends?

Or should I attempt to help my wife, and give her the support she probably needs?

I am beginning to feel like most people are implying I should just walk away from her because she won't talk. If i did that, the same people would say how unsupportive I was being. I dont envy how she must be feeling, and I am simply trying to do the right thing.

BillyBanter Mon 30-Sep-13 16:37:33

Do you think maybe you want her to be a lesbian because then it would her breaking the marriage up not you, because you feel your reasons would be selfish?

You don't have to stay in an unhappy sexless marriage.

You could try talking to her in a calm way about if your marriage is happy or not and what you both want for the future and if that matches?

You could try counselling for you both? Relate spends more time helping couples split up without acrimony than keeping marriages together.

Or you can think about what you want for your future and what would have to happen for you to get that, how likely that is, and make a decision on that basis.

eg. If you want you and your wife to be together forever, what you need is a return to intimacy and coupleness. Is that likely?

BillyBanter Mon 30-Sep-13 16:39:57

People won't necessarily think you are abandoning her or being unsupportive. They will think that your marriage didn't work, as with many other marriages.

Relate counselling for yourself could be useful in talking about what you want to do and how to keep the pain of splitting up from spiralling out of control. It is possible to split and be amicable and co parent well together.

Try again to talk to her. Don't just walk away

But don't ever assume that just because a woman has lost interest in sex, watches some tv that you think is 'gay' confused, has flirted with an woman who was 'quite clearly gay' and reads lesbian fiction means that she IS lesbian or bi. Maybe she is. Maybe she isn't. Maybe she just doesn't fancy you any more. Maybe she's questioning her own sexuality.

Ask her. If talking doesn't get you anywhere then you have to reassess and make a decision.

What sort of support are you talking about? Your implication about helping her to meet female partners is something else that's making some of us wonder what your motives really are.

If a woman came on here and posted that her DH was possibly gay and gave her location and asked us if she should help meet 'like minded people' that would also make me [sceptical].

sorry about my typo's and general posting cock ups...am on laptop can't even blame it on phone!

Dahlen Mon 30-Sep-13 16:42:44

Also, if one person in a relationship is having a crisis that doesn't involve the other person in the relationship, and that couple then decide to split up, it is rarely a good idea for the one to be supportive to the other. It creates blurred boundaries and delays everyone from moving on.

Looking4support Mon 30-Sep-13 16:45:16

I do not have any hidden motive, other than discovering whether my marriage has a future or not.

The problem is that she always tells me it does have a future and if i simply walk away, it may seriously damage my relationship with my daughter.

Is it really so wrong, to seek a friendship with someone who could have a positive impact on her life? And allow her to recognise that she should let me go?

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