Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is marriage and kids everything, is it too much to expect

(32 Posts)
Lifeisforlivingkatie Sun 29-Sep-13 22:28:08

We both in our late 30,s I am devorced with two kids, he has never been married. We have beet together just over two years. Although not officially living together He stays at mine a minimum of 4 nights a week and we go on family holidays with my kids, same for Christmas and weekends. He is well educated with a good job, I run my own business and earn more than he does. He brings food for us and does most of the cooking but we don't have any formal financial arrangements although he does save my business over 10k a year by doing our accounts.

He does not charge me for this. The problem is he says he does not want kids (I am fine with my two but would have thought he would want one of his own, particularly as he is good with mine) he does not want to get married because its outdated and people divorcee anyway. He knows how expensive my divorce was and how much maintenance I had to pay my ex husband. he does not want to move if full time because he is happy with the way things are. We don't argue and every part of our relationship is happy.

I am starting to feel frustrated with the lack of progress particularly when other couples announce moving in or buying homes together. If I ask why he won't move to the next step he says he is very happy with our relationship as is and he will always be there for me in sickness or anything else. Isn't his normal. He is not close to his family, he went to boarding school at 7 years old. What should I do?

TwoStepsBeyond Mon 30-Sep-13 20:04:14

I'm in a very similar position, only a year in and he has DCs of his own too, which is one of the reasons we won't have any more DCs and won't get married.

It does feel like there is a limitation on our relationship, but he has mentioned that he might be up for it once the DCs are all grown up, as we would be free to move and there wouldn't be the same issues around jealousy (if he lived with us all the time and his DCs only half the time they might struggle and he would feel guilty.)

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting the 'stability' of marriage, but to be fair, it's easy enough to get divorced and I tend to agree that it's not always the most romantic of gestures. Being happy, having some time and space and having the commitment you have to each other (with his regular calls and helping you with your business) are so much more important than a piece of paper.

Lifeisforlivingkatie Mon 30-Sep-13 20:10:25

Thank Claudebussy,

I think I am giving into social pressure, much as I won't admit it. Maybe I am also slightly insecure I that without the full shebang then our relationship is not as committed...

SleepyFish Mon 30-Sep-13 20:12:35

Sounds like my ideal relationship, honestly you don't have to conform to societal 'norms'. I think it sounds very healthy. Living with a partner full time isn't essential and brings extra pressures imo.
Don't worry what anyone else thinks if it works for you.
And if he's saving you 10k a year then he's probably paying his fair share but if you'd rather rearrange that fair enough.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 30-Sep-13 20:34:58

"I suppose if I just assumed that someone who is so caring would want to go the whole way"

The whole way to what? confused

He says he sees himself with you through thick and thin, but just doesn't want to have children or move in with your family.

There is an oft-used quote on these boards. "When a person tells you who they are, listen to them."

This man is telling you in word and deed that he loves you and is committed to you. Listen to that and not to what other people are doing.

Lifeisforlivingkatie Mon 30-Sep-13 22:03:15

Well put, all the way to the church I suppose (even though I don't go anymore)

I will do my best to accept his wish for now. I didn't really consider myself a conformist but it appears I am.

Lifeisforlivingkatie Mon 30-Sep-13 23:15:47

No I have not looked at it like that,he spends all weekends and in the week my youngest is in bed at 8pm, on his weekly sporting nights the kids would be in bed when he gets in anyway.

also, just because we're all saying it sounds ok doesn't mean it has to be ok for you.

you need to really examine what you want and why you want it. maybe you do really want more commitment. maybe not.

only you can work out what's right for you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now