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pain in my chest

(107 Posts)
sssosad Sun 29-Sep-13 10:07:52

I've been alone for 6 weeks after my husband of 32years left me. I'm in a state of horror and stunned unreality. I have no children at home and no relations closer than 80miles away. Moved to the middle of nowhere - 5 miles from a village - 10 years ago with the idea of saving money(!) and working less. Didn't really have a clear plan except that my partner is bipolar and we thought this would be less stressful.

I am finding the days passing so incredibly painful I can hardly eat/sleep or even breathe properly. This site has been amazingly helpful.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 29-Sep-13 10:09:40

Joining in from your old thread.... Have you got anything nice planned for today?

Whatnext074 Sun 29-Sep-13 10:11:54

I am going through a similar pain and didn't want to read and run. I understand how you are feeling.

Do you have an understanding GP you can talk to?

FavoriteThings Sun 29-Sep-13 11:46:21

Hi as well. I ahve mentioned steps before. What is either the thing most urgent, or the thing that is taking the most of your angst.

sssosad Sun 29-Sep-13 18:23:56

i so want to write on this board, but I keep having panic attack after panic attack. going to go for a walk...

FavoriteThings Sun 29-Sep-13 18:30:10

Oh you poor poor thing. <hugs>
Perhaps it is best if you see the doctor?

Have you a friendly relative you could stay with for a bit?

sssosad Sun 29-Sep-13 19:16:34

I have work/animals/house etc etc to look after and frankly at the moment the thought of packing/going anywhere/being in someone else's space/not being able to eat cornflakes at 3am and most of all SCREAM is not inviting. Beloved dog doesn't much appreciate the screaming - but she's so loving she sits patiently in the doorway until I finish and then comes to have a cuddle. So lucky to have no neighbours anyway - but it does hurt your throat! When will I start to be angry with the bastard? Seeing dr in the morning - not sure what to say, but he's asking for lots of blood tests etc as weight loss has been so dramatic (does that if you don't eat!). Worth checking out anyway. It feels so awful to be just passing the days until it hurts less - what a way to spend my 58th year. So wicked when people are ill/homeless/war torn/starving etc etc struggling etc to be so self indulgently howling around the place making my family and friends so unhappy too. I feel ashamed of myself as well and that is so unhelpful.

FavoriteThings Sun 29-Sep-13 19:23:06

Not sure when the anger kicks in. Perhaps it wont in your somewhat unique case.

Liking your dog btw!

Glad the doctor is looking into things.

No need to feel ashamed. 32 years is a huge chunk of your life.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 29-Sep-13 19:38:17

After spending such a long time with someone who needed special treatment and allowances making for his behavioural issues, you're still in that mindset. You'll probably only start to feel angry when you start to see his decision to leave you as deliberate & conscious and not as a result of something over which he has no control.

It's not self-indulgent to feel crushed at being humiliated and rejected. I'm not surprised you're screaming. The isolation is worrying, though. If you're on your own in an empty house with no neighbours and nothing to do, you'll end up dwelling on everything. IME if you can close down the amount of time when your mind is unoccupied, it helps keep the grief manageable. All you can tell your GP is the truth and then discuss some options.

FavoriteThings Sun 29-Sep-13 21:05:29

Agree about the being on your own all the time stuff.

As regards the ill/wartorn/starving stuff, my take is that a person cannot help them much until a person is feeling right themselves.

cjel Sun 29-Sep-13 21:22:48

You have no shame to have, please try and lose that.I haven't read your other thread, but had to leave mine as he had ow, 2years ago after being together for 35 yrs (30 married) so I know that pain. I didn't scream I cried and cried and cried and cried!!! my advice would be to just do what you feel like, but eat even when the food repulses you , get supplement shake (complan) juice and soups.even if you don't enjoy it your body can use it. Think of things that you may want to try in the future and listen to music I found it hard to not get a mood change when putting on a good cd. do what ever you want when you are having a panic attack but remember than you can sit down and say to it 'come on do your worst' the less you are scared by it the less power it will have. If it was anything serious a walk wouldn't cure it. Panic attacks have already done their worst to you and will always end. Will you ask for someone to come and stay with you for a while? if you can't face going away get someone i n the house with you. BTW I have never felt angry and just have great pity for mine but made the hard work to choose to concentrate on my new life and not 'them' - don't always mange it but its getting easier.
How you feeling now?x

sssosad Sun 29-Sep-13 23:10:28

I'm being spoiled with visitors, my brother has been here for the weekend, he has parkinsons, hasn't driven more than five miles for the past two years and has just come a 200 mile round trip to spend 48 hours with me. It has been hard work! Might even be able to sleep after this.
I can't face going away at present, but I seem to be managing to have visitors every weekend and the odd mid week night too. The kindness is astonishing.

cjel it's great to hear the strength in your words. Thank you, are men really just bastards?

Article I read yesterday said "let go or be dragged" I think that sums up how I've behaved and gives me strength to just not contact him/not see him/ let him just find out how sad and boring the life of a man on his own, working from home alone with a passion for a woman who wants no more than friendship from him is.

cogitoergosometimes
I am alone, but have at least ten friends within a couple of miles who will all come if i actually ring them (back in some cases!). I've got work twice a week and evening meetings if I can face them. I do masses of volunteer work which is handy when you need favours as we all spend lots of time just helping each other fill our commitments! I'm lucky, I had a lot of favours to call in (and boy have I ever!). I think at present my biggest problem is just being so desperately upset when i see anyone I care about who knows what's going on. I breakdown so badly i can see I frighten people and that's awful. It means I feel I should stay away and that just makes it worse. Village life is hell! so I'm very lucky to be a few miles out.....love the isolations and the quiet. Thank goodness! I'd be well scuppered if I didn't feel like that.

Favouritethings: I think one of the biggest angsts is to do with his proximity....It's unfortunate that my darling husband is only a mile away and in a lot of ways he's much freer than I to move about the area. He says he'd be perfectly happy if we just bump into each other (ah yes, particularly if Miss Joan Hunter Dunne shoud happen to be enjoying her close friend's company) ...I certainly won't be going to the pub any evening soon...I imagine he's spending more and more time there which won't be adding to his stimulating new head space. (Of couse, Miss H.D. won't go to the pub in the evening with him - that would be a different sort of friendship! she'll just have her coffee and three roll ups - funny that bit! - after a hearty game and buzz off to see her stupid boyfriend!)
Also, I hate that I can see the building he lives in when I walk the dog (Why do I go that way? hmm, I could start with that one...). I made a declaration to the dog the day he left that i wouldn't let her have a day without a walk, oh I have achieved something in 5 weeks - and it's become something of a soother.....now I've remembered to not take a phone with me! I spend much too much time talking on the phone to friends. I don't know quite what I expect them to say....but the only ones I hear are those telling me to keep him away and look after myself and all I really want them to be saying is "he'll come back".
I won't really have made any progress till I stop that I imagine.

whatnext074: I'm seeing him in the morning again to explain why I think I'm grieving not depressed and why I'm not starting taking antidepressants today.....thank you

night night all you lovely people.

Whatnext074 Sun 29-Sep-13 23:54:09

'night sssosad, hope you sleep well.

Glad you have support. Hope it goes well with the doctor, take care

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 30-Sep-13 07:43:57

" I don't know quite what I expect them to say....but the only ones I hear are those telling me to keep him away and look after myself and all I really want them to be saying is "he'll come back"."

My very oldest, wisest friend was there for me at a similar time. Held my hand while I rambled on. Drank scotch into the wee small hours to keep me company. Told me I was too good for him etc. But one day, several weeks down the track, she looked me square in the eye mid-sobbing session and said 'That's enough of feeling sorry for yourself ... now.. he's not coming back so what are you going to do next?' Brought me up short but had the desired effect.

What I'm saying is that there comes a point when you can consciously decide you've had enough of feeling wretched. It doesn't mean you flick a switch to 'happy' but - rather like your promise to the dog - you can promise yourself you are going to get back into society, go to the pub, not lose your composure and so on.

sssosad Mon 30-Sep-13 08:58:42

I think you're probably right and I don't know how long your relationship had been...but I'm afraid there's a strong correlation between times.....five weeks after 32 years isn't very long. i hope/know that point will come. my problem is getting to that point and fearing it's a long way off.
I really can't know that he isn't coming back - some do?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 30-Sep-13 09:23:48

Some do. Mine did in fact and, in a way, it turned out to be cathartic. It was 12 years in my case and like you I was very distressed. When he returned I was overjoyed, thought we could resolve things. However, what actually happened was that I realised a) I hated him for the pain he'd caused me and b) his heart wasn't in it. He left again and it was still painful but more like the pain of getting something bad removed...

ALittleStranger Mon 30-Sep-13 09:32:57

" I don't know quite what I expect them to say....but the only ones I hear are those telling me to keep him away and look after myself and all I really want them to be saying is "he'll come back"."

They won't say it because it's very unlikely to be untrue and it would be cruel to give you false hope.

I thought my mother was horribly blunt when I split from my exDP. She told me he wasn't "depressed", he wasn't "confused", he'd just decided he wanted to be with someone elsemore. Ouch, but necessary. The thing you have to remember is how much there will have been going on below the water before he made the announcement. People do not end 32 year marriages on a whim, he will have been thinking about this for a long time and unforunately his mind is made up. You are unfortunately going through all the deliberation that he probably processed months if not years ago.

It is horrendous, it really is, but it does get better. Keep asking for support here.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 30-Sep-13 09:43:51

I think I love your mother ALittleStranger. smile

sssosad Mon 30-Sep-13 09:46:42

Cogitoergosometimes: I think I understand that and I fear that may be how it works out with us. I don't know that we could survive my having been so much of a punchbag. But the catharsis is definitely the missing bit.

alittlestranger: I wish it was so simple...no, he's been in therapy for the last two years and never mentioned any problems with the marriage. He's bipolar, so every up and every down has been huge for year after year. Huge flip falling in love with someone who doesn't want him has caused him to feel that he's well for the first time in 30 years. He says when he realised the love was unrequited he also realised it was his 'last chance' to try living on his own, separate and independent. Beyond that he has no plans.
He's taken a flat for six months to try to work out what he wants. Last week said it was unlikely he'd want to come back. Other times other messages - that's why I need to keep away.

FavoriteThings Mon 30-Sep-13 11:28:30

"I really cant know that he isnt coming back". I think at some point, and the sooner the better, you need to , and I hesitate to work out which word here, "accept" or "decide" that he isnt.

Options
a.live in hope that he does. Sort of sit on the fence, wait, pine.
b.cut him off completely
c.decide he isnt for now and may be forever. Yes he may somewhere quite a long way in time but no guarantee. And sort out your life accordingly.

I think you should choose option c.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 30-Sep-13 11:51:57

"every up and every down has been huge for year after year"

I'm convinced this is a big part of why you're struggling to deal with this. If you've had 32 years of acclimatising to 'huge' ups and downs, it's tempting to tell yourself this is just more of the same.

sssosad Mon 30-Sep-13 13:30:48

last two messages are so good. Yes, option c is the right one. How to live it?
so want to phone him. so want to see him. mustn't mustn't mustn't

FavoriteThings Mon 30-Sep-13 13:52:55

You really love him dont you. That is at the heart of it? Not having ever had a serious break up, I wont know exactly what you are going through.
I would imagine that if someone dies, or someone cheats on you, or someone constantly lets you down, are different break ups to this. I was trying to think what there might be to google, or some literature you could read. Maybe try seperating from someone who has depression, or something like that? You could probably benefit from reading about others who have gone through something similar to yourself.

I keep thinking that him living so near isnt helping. Perhaps longer term, more distance is needed between you?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 30-Sep-13 14:32:36

The heart of it FavoriteThings is the hot and cold treatment. In a traditional (if there's such a thing) break-up situation, the partner that wants out gets out and stays out. Horrible but at least it's a clean finish and everyone knows the score. In the messier break-ups, the partner that wants out tries to keep their options open..... and that is an incredibly cruel and confusing thing to be on the wrong end of.

sssosad Mon 30-Sep-13 15:03:47

i have googled - so fat without much joy. yes, I love him so much, he's part of me...almost all my adult life has been spent with him.I can skype my daughter soon and I need to be able to say I haven't phoned him..keep strong, keep strong.

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