There is so much backstory to this but essentially my mother is a functional alcoholic. She is not elderly, she is young 60s and works part time. We do not allow her to look after the dc on her own at all, although she is welcome to visit. We do not visit at hers because she has dangerous dogs.
My dm lived with me (I owned the house and paid bills) until 4 years ago (we had separate areas in the house) when I met dh and she basically went off the wall for a number of reasons... she disliked dh with a passion and didn't want him to move in, even though it was my house. So after a lot of painful arguments dh and I remortgaged my house (it had no mortgage) and we paid my mum off to move to another house 10 mins away.
So that is a short version of the history.
Because of things that have happened between usall my dh hates my dm with a passion and cannot understand why I don't just cut her out. I do understand why he is angry and yes I don't deny she was awful to him. However, a lot of what she said was in anger and fear at the time (fear of her living alone, she is divorced). She has since tried to make amends.
One of the reasons I cannot simply cut her out is because my eldest child is from a previous relationship and the grandparents are still reasonably close friends with my mum. So if I did stop contact then mum would just go through them and I'd be the evil one to everyone Iincluding my dd. Everyone thinks the sun shines out of my mums backside, no one has any idea whatsoever what she is like when she is drunk, not even dd as mum always drinks alone and in the evening.
Anyway. I try to keep contact short and away from dh, usually timing it when he is at work. We had a situation this week when he happened to come home earlier than planned and she was here. He literally went straight upstairs and hid the whole time. I was furious. My mum asked what was wrong and I made up some bullshit about him having to prepare for a meeting.
I'm not expecting him to gush over her but just being civil is not too much to ask, mainly so I don't look like I am married to a complete arsehole and so the dc do not have to suffer a bad atmosphere.
Neither of us are talking to each other now really as I am so angry with him. We have a discussion and he agrees we can't cut contact and then it goes round in circles when he does happen to see her and we argue about it all over again. I'm sick of it.
It's also awkward with things like Christmas because obviously mum wants to bring the dc stuff on Christmas day and see them open presents and dh will sit there with a face like thunder the whole time rather than just getting on with it. I am an only child and mum does not have a partner so if I do not invite her she will be home alone. She will only stay a max of an hour or so because of her dogs anyway.
I'm not expectinghim to put up with lots of contact either.. she never rings, only emails, comes round maybe once a week, usually when he's at work and for Christmas. That's it!
I really don't see how we can go forward.
We're just constantly arguing about this. Going round in circles.
I know some will say I should side with dh but I've known my mum inside out all my life and I understand why she does the things she does. We have always been there for each other. I've only been with dh 4 years. I can't just cut my mum out, I don't want to.
Please be kind. I'm very upset and know I'm perhaps wrong. I'm frustrated.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
if my dh cannot even be civil to my dm i don't think i can move forward
Fairylea · 28/09/2013 19:57
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.