Suspicious behaviour - not sure what to do, feeling sick

[abneysporridge]

Have come here to reach out as I really don't think I can tell anyone my suspicions in real life. Have been with dh for 13 years - 6 married - and have 3 ds's age 4, 3 and 7 mths - so life is pretty mad as u can guess! For a while now dh's behaviour has been really strange and at first I thought it was just stress from work combined with the mentalness of home life, but alarm bells rang when we were at a friends party about 3 weeks ago and he got really shit-faced and was great fun with everyone else but really confrontational with me - accusing me of eyeing up 'that guy' over there and how I'm not interested in him any more. It really blindsided me - we've never rowed or broken up, always been a good team, it was just so out of character. So I started noticing everything at that point - how disengaged he was with the kids, and my daily chatter about them, his over- zealous personal grooming and my god the diet he's on is just insane - it's working he's lost loads of weight - but he's starving himself, and mainly how he never NEVER let's his mobile out of his sight.
Recently I got him a new contract under my account as we can get a discount - his old phone smashed and we did all this quickly before he really had time to think about it - which allows me to look at the itemised bills online (I don't think he knows I can do this) and there were hundreds of texts and short calls to this one number - sometimes at odd hours - which I knew to be his female colleague. When he was in the shower one morning (he'd brought the phone into the bathroom) I checked his messages to see what on earth he's been chatting to her about and he'd deleted them all. Which is very suspicious I think. Honestly I don't know what to do with all this - I don't even know if its really an affair so if I start accusing him it could be a disaster and I don't want to tell any family or friends in case they hate him and it will never be the same again. I feel nervous all the time like my ears are ringing and I'm drowning , but I've got to try and be as normal as poss for the sake of the kids. Admittedly I've been distant and putting him way down the priority list for years, so maybe this was inevitable, I just never thought he was the type of guy capable of doing this. I hate feeling like my world is on shakey foundations, I work so bloody hard to give our kids a good life, which means putting my needs absolute last, I don't get why he can't do the same - maybe men just can't, selfish creatures that they are.
Sorry for sounding off in an essay basically! I just don't know what my next move should be - this past week I've been really positive and kind to him in the hopes he can see he has all he needs at home, but I don't feel connected to him at all anymore - like maybe he's got one foot out the door. So depressing. I always thought we were solid

[ILoveMakeUp]

Do you think he's actually having an affair with this colleague?

[GirlWithTheLionHeart]

Sounds like an emotional affair at the very least.

Do you want to confront him.

Personally I would set a vibrate alarm under my pillow for 3am and get a hold of his phone to get some solid proof, then confront. Otherwise he will definitely deny.

[CupOCoffee]

Get another look at that phone when he won't be expecting it. Can you get into his email? Facebook?

[abneysporridge]

I do need proof before I do anything. If it is the worst case scenario I can't act unless I know for sure. I was thinking I might suggest I join his colleagues for a drink one night if my mum can babysit, and see what his reaction is.

[VitoCorleone]

Sorry but my friend found similar amounts of texts and calls to a female work collegue on his itemized bill - he was cheating.

What other reason would there be for that many calls and texts to a work collegue, especially one of the opposite sex at odd times of night?

Id confront him with the evidence.

Sorry OP :(

[abneysporridge]

I know this sounds pathetic but I can't help feeling like this is my fault - like I drove him to seek love elsewhere because I've been so unloving. He has said to me that he wishes he had his girlfriend (i.e pre-kids me) back. He's a musician and he says I'm never interested in his songs and stuff anymore, but the truth is I honestly don't care about his 'art', it doesn't do anything for me, as I'm so taken up with everything else. Does that mean I essentially don't love 'him' anymore? Really feel like I don't know my arse from my elbow right now.

[ILoveMakeUp]

It does sound like you have issues aside from the possible cheating, abneysporridge.

[TiredDog]

Life changes abney. You have adapted 100% to a life as a parent in a family. He hasn't by the sounds of it. Its not necessary (or perhaps healthy??) to be solely focused on motherhood but it's pretty darn difficult with 3 under 4 not to be!

I suspect he's opted out of committed fatherhood and a committed marriage so he's just enjoying a lazy way to remain on the periphery whilst fantasising about being young free and single.

It sounds extremely like an emotional affair. This (to me) is as damaging and significant as a physical affair. Sorry

[abneysporridge]

I think you've hit the nail on the head tiredog - we are not on the same page at all it seems, and he is living in the past. And it was a great past so I don't blame him - we got together at 19 and wonderful reckless times, shared loads of laughs, and now it's all work work work. And it doesn't help that he hates his job too - 'she' must be the only thing keeping him buoyant there. She's a musician too so I bet they just love dreaming and playing guitars together in their lunch break. Eurgh

[TiredDog]

Be careful that you don't end up feeling responsible for making this work. If he cannot man up to being a father, it's not up to you to make it work. This is not your fault. Be clear on that.

You do need to consider where you want this to go and what your deal breakers are. Please don't let fear of being a single mum make you compromise on life. Being a single mum is v v tough. Being a mum coping alone in a marriage is far harder

[emsiepoops]

Aww abneys I agree with tireddog too.

While I was pregnant I found texts on my fiancé's phone to a girl at work telling her how beautiful she was, I was heartbroken. I said there and then that if he wanted to be young and free then go do it, don't drag me along. We got over it and are now happy again with our little baby, but I won't forget it.

I do think you need to try and find out as much as you can before you confront him though. I took photo's of the texts using my phone so that I KNEW what they said when I said something, that they didn't get less worse as I thought about it.

[urtwistingmymelonman]

it is typical for a woman to start blaming herself when a husband is behaving badly.
you both chose to be a family but where you decide to commit yourself to that he decides(if he is)to behave like an arse and you somehow think its your fault??!!
its not your fault op and don't ever think that.

[AmberLeaf]

Don't blame yourself.

Sounds like you have adapted appropriately to life changes [children] and he hasn't.

It does look suspicious, but it is him not you.

[abneysporridge]

Thanks. It's been good to air this. It's been in my head eating me up for ages. I think my strategy should be to carry on as per, not alert him to my suspicions, then try to get some proof when he lets his guard down - taking pics of texts is a good idea, thanks for that. That's if he leaves his phone unattended for 3 seconds!
I honestly don't think he realises he's doing anything wrong - if he's not sleeping with her and it is an emotional affair he prob thinks its justified as I clearly 'don't love him anymore'. Hate this feeling. I can feel my blood pressures up without even using a machine.

[Walkacrossthesand]

By the way, doeshe show interest in you and how you feel ( as opposed to what the DCs have been up to) or does he just expect you to be interested in his music - one way traffic?

[abneysporridge]

It's hard to tell - I find it to distinguish what 'me' is. But if I'm chatting about something unrelated to the kids he doesn't seem all that bothered tbh. He used to absolutely adore me but now I think I just bore him.
Also, I got a sneaky look at his phone earlier and saw a text from her late last night saying she was feeling guilty and had had to hear some home truths from her friend. No response from him yet. It's so ambiguous I can hardly confront him with just that.

[TheCrumpetQueen]

Maybe just say 'can I look through your phone please as you've been acting really odd' see what he does

[holstenlips]

What I did was give my ex fiance my phone and ask for his . He soon relented although I think he was hoping that I wouldn't know how to use it. I found months of messages including I love yous, youre sexy , im having naughty thoughts and that he had a hard on. Killed me. But I made him email the lot to me although he clearly doctored them and when confronted he admitted this.

[TweedWasSoLastYear]

Hi abney
Do you have the same handset ? You might be able to swap SIMS , or even phones for an or maybe a day. Do you know his phone code ? Is it a smart phone , some keep the first line of deleted items , also check the sent items as they might still be there .
Cant you get a friend he doesnt know to see what hes up to on his works drinks ( if the even exist , and he attends )
Does sound a little like he has checked out of your relationship though. Does he come up with any suggestions for things to do at weekends or perhaps a holiday?

Plus I bet he sleeps with his phone either under his pillow or next to him on his bedside table

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

If you want evidence, don't ask to look at his phone, that will alert hi and he will be more protective and delete things. Although I don't condone invasion of privacy, I find cheating spouses abhorrent, so think you are completely justified to look at his phone.

He sounds like an ass.

[tessa6]

It's not THAT ambiguous, OP. Look at it from the outside; persistent texts and calls to a female colleague, distancing himself at home and being bored by you. The she says she's feeling guilty about it all and a friend told her off.

It's an affair. the details we don't know but I think you're leaning towards wishful thinking if you're expecting anything else.

It's also sad and unfair that you are marginalising yourself and blaming yourself even in your imagining about it. You are entitled to be angry, and to demand answers. I understand you may not want to confront yet but the very fact you need to have indisputable evidence suggests you are either afraid of him or convinced he will lie his way out of it, both kind of sad positions to be in.

[tessa6]

Best sneaky tip is to swap her number for yours in his phone book. See what he texts you.

[lottieandmia]

Does he have an iPhone? You can swipe left and type search words which bring up parts of deleted text messages.

[ILoveMakeUp]

Best sneaky tip is to swap her number for yours in his phone book. See what he texts you.

That is absolute genius!

[lottieandmia]

Yes I would be tempted to swap the number definitely