Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

It's a bit early for this, but I feel the need to talk about One Love and Sexual Compatibility (or the lack thereof)

(48 Posts)
Frangipane Fri 27-Sep-13 14:38:45

I'm not a newbie/troll before anyone wonders. I have name changed.

Sorry, I'm not really sure how to start this thread as I so feel so conflicted about so many things. What I really want to know is, do you think there is one true love for you out there?

Are you with him/her?

Is it really like you read in romances and s/he understands and fulfills your every desire?

I have been in my relationship for decades. It is totally good in all respects apart from the sex. I would never leave him simply for that reason alone, but I do have a fantasy of one day meeting someone with whom I was completely compatible, in which case, I fear I might end up leaving my dh. Who is a perfectly lovely man who has done nothing wrong before anyone shouts LTB!

I don't know... I just feel such yearning... maybe I read too much idealistic fiction. blush

jasminerose Sat 28-Sep-13 08:00:27

I 100% believe in the one. The one that is your best friend, electrifying attraction and everything you want in a partner. The feeling you 100% click

Walkacrossthesand Sat 28-Sep-13 01:49:15

'The mistress manual' (£6 on amazon) might be an interesting read... looks in detail at different S&M 'likes' , from the 'how to be a domme' perspective, but you may find yourself thrilling to the idea of role reversal too...

fenellafudgetunnel Fri 27-Sep-13 23:48:44

You don't know he's not sexually compatible with you, you just think that because neither of you are being totally honest.

He's also not brainless, if you are not into what you are doing that will come across. I know you probably ending up googling what 'switch' means. It's an S&M term and if you are not familiar it'll sound odd. But it can actually work. Though personally I think if you are essentially submissive until you find someone dominant to educate you somewhat you'll find it hard work.

But here's some good news. People who are essentially loving, caring, considerate but dull lovers sometimes surprise you. My very vanilla partner, once I actually told him that when he held my wrists tightly it turned me on, and when he did certain other things I got very excited, turned out to be a completely kinky and even more imaginative than I was. And I never would have known (or been happy) had I not opened my mouth and started that conversation.

Which btw is excruciating the first time. No-one wants to negotiate the details (I wussed out and emailed him - he liked that) and then afterwards we talked in person about it. Just talk to him and keep talking. You may try it and hate it, you may find it revolutionises your sex life for the better. Each to their own but the best sex organ is definitely the mouth because it helps you communicate what you need.

And frankly my dear in a long marriage he'll probably think all his christmases will come at once if you explain you want to try new things which will result in more, better sex and a calmer, happier you afterwards.

naaaaaaamechange Fri 27-Sep-13 21:09:32

I have namechanged.

I think it would help us advise if you are able to be a bit more open with replies to the specific questions about the scale. Obviously don't if you feel you don't want to.

Myself & DH are into some low level s&m stuff, it was instigated by me after a lot of cajoling from him asking what it was that I liked. I was really embarrassed about it at first, especially when he tried it out and i had to explain no, I don't mean something half hearted and tame, I want it full on like this. Excruciating to talk about! But now I am really glad that it is a part of our sex life and I don't think I'd be happy without it. I almost crave it sometimes.

I am a very firm believer in that the relationship doesnt have to be terrible, he doesnt have to have done anything specific, to break up if you feel you would be happier out of it, but weigh it up - how much do you want this, is it absolutely hopeless & do you want it more than the love and security you get from him the rest of the time?

Have you ever suggested/thought about sex therapy? It might be a good way to explore some of these feelings.

Twinklestein Fri 27-Sep-13 21:05:17

Ok so you're not much older than me.

From a personal pov I have great sex with my husband when we're not too knackered or busy, but it's not something I'd leave a good relationship for if I didn't.

If you don't have it it may seem like everything, but if you do have it, you take it for granted & it doesn't feel like that big a deal.

In the end it's just physical pleasure. I wouldn't leave a relationship to go on a gastronomic tour of the world's top restaurants either.

If you end this & go looking for Mr Darcy/Rochester will you find him...?

Twinklestein Fri 27-Sep-13 20:54:45

Neither have I OP, I managed a few pages of arsewipe & that was that.

Frangipane Fri 27-Sep-13 20:52:43

BTW, I keep reading Christian Grey's name. Can I just say that I have never read 50 shades so that is not who I am pining after. grin

Frangipane Fri 27-Sep-13 20:51:32

I'm in my 40s.

And I am not looking for another partner as such. Just aware iyswim that the one I have is not sexually compatible with me.

In many ways, I am a late developer. Sex just didn't happen for me when I was young, then I met dh and he did turn me on and I naively thought that was enough. Then there were the childbearing years where I guess it was enough just to be having sex. I'm sure many of you know what I mean.

But now the childbearing is out of the way, the children are older, I have discovered erotic literature, and I either wonder if I am with the wrong person sexually, or else I struggle to get dh on the same page as me.

Twinklestein Fri 27-Sep-13 20:50:15

Christian Grey is a tiresome, abusive knob.

Would women have been creaming over him were he a plumber? I think not.

pumpkinpie163 Fri 27-Sep-13 20:40:12

Hey Frangipane
I found your post really interesting cause im in a similar situation. Except my husband isn't into sex with me at all. Ok we've obviously done it cause we have two kids but in the 12 years we've been together, with the exception of making our beautiful babies hes just not into it and not that into me! I decided this was a compromise I had to make years ago as hes an around awesome guy other than this. Ive unfortunately married my best friend rather than true love/dream man/Christian Grey style sex god and its a bitter pill to get used to. Unfortunately over time my eyes have wandered which is kinda inevitable.

However I think if you are having sex atall and hes interested, its something to work on. And I also think unless you've met someone else cause youre so frustrated, youre in a good situation!

Twinklestein Fri 27-Sep-13 20:38:20

How old are you OP if you don't mind my asking? 40s? 50s?

Because older than 50 and the chances of packing in a relationship and finding a partner who ticks all the boxes & fulfils you sexually gets a bit touch and go.

lurkinglorna Fri 27-Sep-13 20:33:04

FRIDAY SEX CHAT grin

In my ...ahem....encounters with men, I think I couldn't long term be with someone who was always like "well, what do YOU want to do, take me, take me!".

I mean you say he's one end of the scale. If it goes

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

sub dom

Then I think maybe I wouldn't need a guy to be 9 or a 10 (going into work with rope burns, hmmmmm! wink) but wouldn't want him to be any lower than 5?

Not saying I want to be grabbed and tied up and spanked every date (might just be on a promise for that - come home safe darling wink) even that gets a bit tiring ha ha!

But I think I'd find someone who was "well I want you to instigate more than 50% of the time and go on top to prove I'M desirable " to be controlling and unmanly?

I like instigating and seducing and taking the lead. But someone who EXPECTED that, as in it being in his nature, would just be long term confused for me.

Maybe it's due to societal/cultural conditioning - but I'm a product of that - and I couldn't see the kind of guy who wasn't naturally assertive in bed as a long term prospect?

Sorry, OP, not very helpful, but just a "I see where you're coming from" post.

HelpTheresPooballsInMyBed Fri 27-Sep-13 20:29:34

Trying drugs hmm yes that's excellent advice

ageofgrandillusion Fri 27-Sep-13 20:27:24

How old are you OP? Also, if you want to broaden your horizons, so to speak, what about trying drugs? I'm serious.

Iwaswatchingthat Fri 27-Sep-13 20:06:47

You have been together for so long - surely that intimacy can only improve things?

I would put away ideas of Hollywood film sex lives and focus on rejuvenating what you have.

Frangipane Fri 27-Sep-13 20:02:45

I feel sorry for him too! That is partly my point. We are joined together through friendship, marriage, parenthood, home ownership - you know all the usual stuff - but I don't feel we are joined sexually. I spoke in my OP of fantasizing about meeting a partner who can fulfill me sexually, but equally you could say that dh would have that opportunity too. His needs aren't being met anymore than mine are.

I take the point everyone is making: a relationship needs to be worked at and fiction is best restricted to the crime section. smile

Iwaswatchingthat Fri 27-Sep-13 19:53:01

I am starting to feel a little sorry for your DH. You say he is affectionate, kind, willing to please you in bed etc.

Sounds to me you have a lot to work with right there - he is willing to please you so you need to tell him specifically HOW!

ALittleStranger Fri 27-Sep-13 19:47:35

Is it that you actually want to try S&M and the problem is you're both Sub (because surely switching is an option?), or that you're both half hearted in bed and you just want more exciting non-S&M sex?

HelpTheresPooballsInMyBed Fri 27-Sep-13 19:45:17

I'll bite too blush

If it's the s&m thing you're worried about, I had this a few years back. I am naturally very sub, I was with a man who was also very sub. We took turns switching. At first I thought I'd hate being the dominant one, but after a few goes I kind of got into it. Is this a possibility for you?

fenellafudgetunnel Fri 27-Sep-13 19:11:50

Well learn to switch then. It's a skill like any other if you are both subs.

Or hire someone to sort you both out grin

<runs before wrath of mumsnet hits me>

BeCool Fri 27-Sep-13 19:04:44

It's all bullderdash.
I suggest you switch to crime novels grin

Neitheronethingortheother Fri 27-Sep-13 19:01:25

I think she probably means they are both submissive and she would like someone to dominate her. Tbh I wouldnt throw away a good relationship for any of that 50 shades of grey shite. Stop reading crap and concentrate on what you have. It sounds like you have something worth keeping. There are loads of ways to spice up what you have. What have you done to make things different? It takes two. Take a visit to a sex shop or have a look together online and see if anything takes your fancy or his.

fenellafudgetunnel Fri 27-Sep-13 18:50:52

Not sure what you mean by scale. If you mean you are a kinky bugger and he's only up for tea and missionary, I think you may have an issue. I wasn't suggesting you use fetlife to meet people, but if you read up you might find advice on how to suggest things to your spouse. Frankly if you don't give him the opportunity to give you what you need, more fool you, you are risking your relationship because if this is something you need, it's something you need

FWIW once you start talking you may be surprised at his reaction.

Frangipane Fri 27-Sep-13 18:42:49

Bit shy to Fenella, but I found your previous post interesting. I even had a look at Fetlife but I have no interest in sharing on such a forum - no offence intended but I would be happy just to improve my own sexlife without involving myself in anyone else's!

Do you not think, then, that dh and I are at the same end of the scale, that means we are incompatible?

fenellafudgetunnel Fri 27-Sep-13 18:29:58

Perhaps you should PM me OP. Sounds like you need some specific advice. smile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now