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Leaving wife

(58 Posts)
oldshilling Fri 27-Sep-13 11:14:28

I'm a man, I got married young, I never really lived on my own (except uni).

I've been married for 10 years.

We have two children.

The marriage is a sham, my wife has a succession of emotional affairs on Facebook, which she thinks I don't know about (I have found out in the past).

She acts like things are normal, and gives no indication of what she's doing.

I have made threats to do stuff in the past, but she has seen enough times that I don't carry through. There's no point in me confronting her again, because I'd just look stupid having done it so many times before.

What do I do?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 27-Sep-13 11:16:53

Sorry you're so unhappy. I'd suggest that you get some information on what it would mean practically to separate - accommodation, looking after the children, finances, maintenance etc - make a few plans and then present her with a fait accompli. It's sad but it happens and it's time to follow through. Very best of luck

kinkyfuckery Fri 27-Sep-13 11:17:58

How adamant are you that it is time to leave? Would she be open to some sort of counselling? Would you?

AndHarry Fri 27-Sep-13 11:19:07

Have you tried marriage counselling? My husband and I were on the brink of separation earlier this year but talking through our issues in a neutral way has really helped.

oldshilling Fri 27-Sep-13 11:21:33

The problem with the practicalities is it feels to me like I am punishing myself.

I arrange to split up with her, and then hand over hundreds of thousands of pounds.

What a result.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 27-Sep-13 11:23:20

Hundreds of thousands? Are you sure? Nevertheless this is your life we're talking about. What price respect, happiness, honesty, peace of mind.... ? Money and property you can accumulate again. Once your self-respect's gone, you're in a bad way.

hand over hundreds of thousands of pounds
Really!!??? Are you a billionaire?
If so then that amount won't matter to you.
Find yourself a family lawyer and talk it through and see what the impact would be.
Don't assume anything.
Does she work? Did she give up her career to be a SAHM?
Get all the details first then make a decision.
Life is way too short to be unhappy for the best part of it!

Ezio Fri 27-Sep-13 11:26:45

Money is nothing compared to having a sense of self worth.

Now your can accept things and prey her EA doesnt turn into PA or you can decide, that your worth more, and you should a woman who appreciates you for what you do.

Its your choice.

But trust me, i tried to hold on, it sucked and it hurt.

oldshilling Fri 27-Sep-13 11:30:29

kinkyfuckery, AndHarry:

I am two people.

1. I am an intelligent person who provides for his family.

2. I am shy and socially inept and I have no friends.

Both of these are accurate descriptions.

In the past my wife has seen me as #1. Now she clearly sees as me as #2, and she walks all over me. She has quite a forceful personality, like her mother.

As long as she sees me as #2, it will be a sham.

I'm not sure I could ask for counselling at this point. She would be 'Why, what's wrong', and then I would have to tell her that I have used spyware to find out what she is doing and that is the reason.

And I don't want to tell her that because I know that I cannot trust her, based on repeated past behaviour, so as long as she is with me I won't tell her about the spyware, because she'd just be more sneaky. The only point I could tell her was if I presented her with divorce papers.

oldshilling Fri 27-Sep-13 11:35:03

hellsbellsmelons, she works in a low-paid line of work. She definitely wouldn't be consdiered to have sacrificed a career.

We have about £500k in savings, I assume that would be split 50/50.

We've had a good lifestyle with several foreign holidays per year and so on, and I assume that she's entitled to continue with that.

Oh and the EA is not in this country, she wouldn't see him for months at the earliest. I think she likes the fantasy aspect.

fluffyraggies Fri 27-Sep-13 11:36:19

You can divorce a person based on irreconcilable differences though. I'm sure.

Marriage is not a prison sentance. If you want out you get divorced.

You should see a family lawyer and tell them the truth and see what advice they give you.

A 50/50 split if any property were to be sold, and any assets split up is fair enough, IMO, and worth it to be free.

I'm no expert, but the above sums up my own divorce very simply. Life's too short to stay unhappy.
Best of luck.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 27-Sep-13 11:39:12

"I am shy and socially inept and I have no friends"

Then the last person you should be with is someone who lowers your self-confidence with emotionally or physically bullying behaviour. Joint counselling is not recommended if that's the case but you could benefit from individual counselling to help you to reject it rather than thinking you have to tolerate it. BTW... you can be up front about the spyware. Two wrongs don't make a right but keeping this to yourself is only harming you and not the guilty party.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Fri 27-Sep-13 11:40:09

£250k to be free and happy? Bargain! And the beauty of it is - YOU STILL HAVE £250k JUST FOR YOU.

By the way, your not actually handing over hundreds of thousands of pounds. Half of that money belongs to your wife anyway - it's NOT YOURS TO GIVE HER so get out of the mindset or you'll just be bitter forever.

Mintyy Fri 27-Sep-13 11:41:23

You have to stop thinking about the money! She will get what she is entitled to and that is all.

kinkyfuckery Fri 27-Sep-13 11:41:37

You don't need to tell her about the spyware. You are unhappy - that is a good enough reason to leave a relationship.

Think of the money you would be spending if you were staying in the relationship. Over the years you would probably still 'hand over hundreds of thousands of pounds'. This way, yes it stings, but you get it all over in one go, and you both get to move on and get a chance at happiness.

Please don't stay in an unhappy marriage for money. Don't teach your children that 'settling' is ok.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 27-Sep-13 11:43:07

"I assume that she's entitled to continue with that."

Not exactly. Any financial settlement you reach has to be fair and reflect the relative contribution of each party and the needs of any children. If she gave up a career for example to enable you to further yours. You can be a good exH and you can even be generous without necessarily being a meal-ticket for life.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Fri 27-Sep-13 11:43:21

Can you tell us more about the spyware though? How much was it and was it easy to install

fluffyraggies Fri 27-Sep-13 11:47:51

Yes cog is right (it's all coming back to me now). My XH agreed to a larger % of the house sale to go to me to offset my lack of career due to raising the 3 kids.

I sweetened the offer by relinquishing any rights over his pension money or future assets he may aquire. My immediate financial needs for housing the children and myself were greater than his housing needs for just himself at that moment.

You need advice, because every situation is different. Legally the priority will always be towards the children's needs. Rightly so.

oldshilling Fri 27-Sep-13 11:50:15

The spyware works very well.

www.softactivity.com/spy-software.asp

It costs $50. You can download a free trial, but they will pop up messages, so it's only good for testing, you couldn't use it to spy on someone.

It takes screenshots of everything you do, shows what web pages you've been on, and also logs all keystrokes, so you can find passwords, etc. You can filter by website and search and so on. It's quite impressive considering the potential for bullshit/scams with this kind of stuff.

fluffyraggies Fri 27-Sep-13 11:51:25

... but i will repeat it was worth every moment of the dragged out legal tangle which is divorce, and i don't regret it for one second. We managed to keep the children protected from it too, and they are happier now than when we were together pretending to be happy.

Rambling now - but be brave and get some advice.

middleeasternpromise Fri 27-Sep-13 19:40:52

You are in deep trouble - she is cheating on you and you are checking up on her. You are both caught up in dishonesty in what should be the most trusting of relationships in your life. Either you need to take immediate steps to fix it or get out before you experience any more damage. You are lucky you have enough money to give you options. I would personally move out if only temporarily, so you could gain some confidence in yourself again. Living like you are must be killing you. You will be alot better out of that environment and then maybe you can think what you really want and she can learn to have some respect for you.

perfectstorm Fri 27-Sep-13 21:29:47

The thing is, if you are systematically spying on her and she is systematically cheating, then you're constantly rubbing your nose in your own misery. And yes, she'd take half the family savings if she left, but realistically you're already supporting her and would continue to do so if the marriage lasted, and she'll always be entitled to half the family pot, so why not cut your losses and file for divorce now? You have no affection or respect for her, you know you can maintain a very nice life without her, and you could meet someone you love who loves you back. Why accept such a miserable, soul-destroying life, and all for money? As long as you still have enough to live a pleasant and interesting life, why allow resentment for her to wreck your own happiness?

At least see a solicitor and find out what your legal obligations would be. You're making major life decisions on assumptions which may be misplaced - if you can house her and there are substantial savings, other than ongoing child support you might not be expected to support her in perpetuity as you seem to think. Find out?

Life is too short to be this miserable. You ARE worth more and you can be happy again.

betterthanever Fri 27-Sep-13 21:55:00

There is some great advice for you OP - I just wanted to add that having such a low opinion of yourself will not be helped by staying. You think that you are socially inebt and shy and that is a problem but to someone, many people I am sure - who you are is wonderful.
It is never easy for anyone to leave a relationship no matter what the reason or the circumstances.
You have just made step one to happiness - it does not need to be done now or quickly. Keep posting and making yourself happy.

ofmiceandmen Fri 27-Sep-13 23:03:39

Trust funds or invest in a Ltd company, basically move the money away from you in every shape and form. Be prepared to play the pauper if need be.

Protect your DC's financial assets then squirrel the rest away in said trust fund or business.

I would definitely regardless of what you decided - speak to a private banking adviser. and i don't mean your local crappy money adviser.

You're an intelligent person - which normally means the social ineptness and lack of friends would have been a norm in your younger life.

Ditto the marrying someone of your wife's earning potential - I bet you thought you could at least trust her to stay faithful. Wrong! She may even be foreign. (don't worry join the club).

Reduce the household expenditure, stop the bug buys - high cost clothes etc. run this for a year - so that when you get to court and she wants to play the 'maintain a lifestyle' card - you have a history of frugal spending.

Finally - CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

Join a polo club (season ends soon but there's enough time) or some thing that gets you out and about. time to recreate yourself. start to look after yourself and trust me they will come!. basically build it (whatever you imagine to be an ideal man).

cherry - do not reveal any anger, emotions or intent. play her game. Get the kids into boarding school if you can now!

Then when you are whole again and have set up the firewall of your assets. - broach her with the evidence and leave. use the affair as your reason for the divorce

Downside- she will win the kids - residential parent etc, but if you live close you will get 50% time.

Good luck - time the good nice guys that get cheated on to finally stand up!.

perfectstorm Fri 27-Sep-13 23:18:11

An emotional affair (let alone a string of them) is certainly grossly unreasonable behaviour, but as the evidence was obtained in the way it was I'm not certain it's exactly usable in any adultery petition. As no physical contact has been made there has been no adultery. It doesn't really matter, anyway: behaviour is irrelevant to the settlement and unreasonable behaviour has a subjective test - all you need to prove is you can't bear to live with the other person anymore, for whatever cause.

Out of interest, when you say emotional affairs - can I ask what you mean by that? And did you think your marriage was happy before that? If so, why the spyware?

I would also caution you to consider the children's lives if you successfully arrange matters so that your ex-wife lives in very straitened circumstances. And I would suggest you consider their best interests/ages rather than your own future bank balance when deciding whether or not to send them to boarding school. They're going to have to cope with their world collapsing as it is - is packing them off to be institutionalised really a good addition?

You are not a walking wallet, absolutely. But she has also been your kids' mother, your wife, and she did work rather than remaining a lady who lunches. However justifiably angry you are, do you really think setting out to destroy her financially is reasonable, either? And do you think the hostility that sequence of events would unleash is going to be anything but devastating to the children? Unless she's been an appalling mother and spouse, she's contributed a lot. I am assuming you work long hours and she has picked up the slack with the kids and the household, alongside her own work. She will have lifted domestic responsibility from your shoulders and provided your kids with security and a homelife. I don't think that's meaningless.

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