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Its been 2 weeks, nothings changed, I cant go on

(96 Posts)
Justwakingup Thu 26-Sep-13 11:51:58

This is going to be all over the place and ranty, but im basically fucked up in the head, so sorry.

No point in name changing, I cant write out my story again anyway.

Its been 18 months since I started to fuck up mine and other peoples lives, 5 weeks since my life changed forever, 2 weeks since I fucked it up even more.

Lots of advice on here, pull yourself together, get help, you deserve it, you will be ok.

Im not ok. I still think about him 24/7. I cant function, I cant eat, I cant sleep, I want to hurt myself, I want to disappear, I want to die.

Even having the kids isnt stopping my thoughts now. Everyone would be better off without me, I fuck up everything I do. I just need to figure out how to go in the least selfish way possible.

The kids will be fine they have their Dad, he loves them, I cant love anyone, I am a shit Mum, a shit friend and a shit person, I am so fucking lonely, but no wonder, im so fucking selfish, who would want to be with me? everyone lies to me, I tried to be nice and a good person but I fuck that one up too.

I have nowhere else to go

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 26-Sep-13 11:54:07

You do. You can go to the doctor. Please do so. You sound like you really need some help here. There is help for you if you are feeling so depressed. Or call the samaritans and talk.

Justwakingup Thu 26-Sep-13 11:55:41

Ive been to the doctor and ive called the samaritans ive tried everything I feel exactly the same

I call the samaritans every day, they are probably tired of me now, im tired of me

Mama1980 Thu 26-Sep-13 12:00:35

What did your dr suggest? You are not a terrible person, you made a mistake. (I remember your other thread, i thinks I apologise if I've got the wrong person)
If you are still feeling this way you need to get back to the dr. We are here to listen but not qualified to offer professional advice.
I promise you your children don't think your awful nor would they be better off without you.

Chyochan Thu 26-Sep-13 12:00:42

You havent fucked your life up, you just got into a bad situation with a serial manipulator, your well out of it now.

It takes time tho to move on, sometimes quite a long time.

Im in the same situation myself, trying to get over someone, its been ages and I still think about him everyday.

5 weeks is not very long, give yourself time but also realise it will get better, much better.

You need to talk to people on rl and also rant on her if it helps.

Talk about him and your relationship if it helps, (ignore any negative replys, they are really only talking about themselfs and nothing to do with you imo).

Chyochan Thu 26-Sep-13 12:02:05

Also never for a second think your kids dont need you, thats just not true.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 26-Sep-13 12:04:25

I promise they are not tired of you. They exist to help people who feel like you. There's no limit to the number of times you can call.

I'm really sorry, I don't know the back story. Have you split from your partner?

Has the doctor been able to help you? counselling? or perhaps medication in the short term to help you?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 26-Sep-13 12:05:43

These feelings take a while to get over once they have gripped us, so it's normal that you still feel the same despite seeing your GP and calling the Samaritans. But in time, they will dissipate. Until then, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It feels pointless and painful now, but you will get through it. You are clearly feeling low now, but those feelings are not permanent: in time you will feel strong and calm and joyful again.

Well done on seeing your GP and calling the Samaritans, by the way. Keep calling in all the help and support you can get.

Is there a friend you can phone, or have a coffee with?
Is there a neighbour who can help you with the kids?
What treat could you schedule into your day today, or tomorrow, to give you something to look forward to? When my brain was trying to kill me, I found that scheduling Skype dates with my dearest friends who live far away gave me a point to focus on and get through the hours/days until that scheduled talk, and then onwards towards the next one.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Please take care of yourself.

Justwakingup Thu 26-Sep-13 12:14:16

Im on a cocktail of tablets from the docs and a waiting list for counselling, I know there isnt a quick fix, but I feel worse not better

He hates me. After being told he loved me every day for 18 months he now hates me.

I want to hate him but I cant, nobody else loves me and nobody ever will.

My kids dont need a fucked up mother who cant even empty the washing machine let alone cook them a decent meal

Justwakingup Thu 26-Sep-13 12:16:52

My RL friends would hate me if they knew what I had done, I told one friend and she was kind to me but she said it was karma and I need to pull myself together

Justwakingup Thu 26-Sep-13 12:19:00

I did a stupid thing yesterday, I sent him a message to say sorry, he ignored me, then he blocked me, I knew he would but it hurts so much, everyone just wants me to go away

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 26-Sep-13 12:22:46

karma? Your friend said you deserved what happened? That must have hurt.

If you love someone, you can't flip a switch and stop loving them. Sadly it is a question of time. And in the interim, just concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. Getting those things done that need to be done.

Would it help you to write lists of things that must be done? To organise your day?

That may well be the most stupid of all suggestions, I don't know, I'm just trying to think of something you could do that could help you to get through the day and do those things that need to be done.

I would say that you should enjoy your kids and your love for them and theirs for you. Lots of hugs and time together. I know it's a totally different type of relationship, but you need to focus on people who love you.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 26-Sep-13 12:25:08

You can't change his decision. You have to accept it.
It would be best for your emotional health to delete all his numbers.

Justwakingup Thu 26-Sep-13 12:29:02

He messed with my head so much, I found out he was seeing someone else, but he kept telling me that he loved me and that I was special and that he would always love me and be there for me. He is the only person in the world who has ever told me they loved me, and he was lying, he never did, he just used me. I am so useless and unloveable I know the kids love me but they love their Dad more because he isnt a fucked up fruitcake.

I used to do good things, I used to go to church and volunteer and people used to like me and they used to come to me for advice and now nobody does, because im not normal anymore and nobody likes me any more

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 26-Sep-13 12:32:30

Please go back to the gp, you sound like you need additional help.

piratecat Thu 26-Sep-13 12:48:08

don't text him again. that was blip. lay off yourself, it's not worth it in the long run.

AnyFucker Germany Thu 26-Sep-13 13:08:55

Go back to your gp, love. You need some more help while you are waiting for the meds to kick in..

These intrusive thoughts are stopping you from functioning. Have you posted on the MH board....lots of support there from people that have been in similar situations

I bet every one of them tells you to go back to your gp and disclose how bad you are feeling, and that it isn't getting better, though

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 26-Sep-13 13:16:39

Eh, emptying the washing machine still sometimes overwhelms me, and I'm at a happy and strong point in my life! So don't kick yourself for trivialities. It's really not a hangable offence, or proof of your worthlessness. We all put off mundane shit and feel that it just gets to be too much to cope with sometimes.

The washing machine is not the proof of your worth.
His ignoring your message blocking you is not a proof of your worth.

NONE of these things have ANYTHING to do with your value as a human being. You are a worthwhile human being -- as are we all -- simply because you ARE. There is no external justification required. None.

Here are 2 small things that also weirdly really helped when I was at my lowest, if you think you would like to try them too:

- meal plan! Having a constructive task, and eating healthily, really helped.
- art! My GP actually "prescribed" a free classical concert that night when I went in to see her for ADs (which she also prescribed), and I carried on with friends' recommendations for beautiful books and poetry, as I love to read. Because even though life is painful beyond belief sometimes, it is also crazy beautiful, and it's good for us to keep in touch with that beauty.

Chubfuddler Thu 26-Sep-13 13:22:08

Sometimes I can't be arsed to empty the washing machine and I'm not depressed, sometimes the washing machine can just bloody wait. Emptying a washing machine doesn't make you a good mother or not emptying it a bad one.

You've been through the wringer. I think (if I have remembered your situation correctly) there's an extent to which you think you don't deserve to get well and get through this. Don't listen to that sabotaging inner voice. Everyone deserves to be well and happy.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 26-Sep-13 13:30:38

If you were really a horrible person you wouldn't care that you'd fucked up, you'd be the one using people instead of them using you, and only care whether they loved you so that you could use them more effectively. The fact that you care, that you feel guilty and responsible, shows you are a good person. Bad people don't give a shit.

You still are that person who used to help, who people liked and trusted, that is who you are; you're just in a bad place right now which you can and will get out of.

Anyway, you don't really want to entrust your precious children with that liar who said he loved you but didn't, do you? He says he loves them, but you know what that's worth. There is no way they would be better off with him and whichever woman he's with this week, rather than with you. You are the only person you can definitely, definitely trust to care about your children. You need help looking after them at the moment, that's fine, most people do sometimes. That does not make you a fuck-up. (I bloody well hope it doesn't, anyway, or I'm one too. And I've never been even half as nice as you are at your best. But I'm still worth the oxygen I breathe, and anyone who tells me I'm not is not worth listening to.)

lalalonglegs Thu 26-Sep-13 13:33:27

Two weeks is a very short time to get over what you have been through. Please don't think your children don't need you. Be kind to yourself and patient, the worst is behind you.

JustBecauseICan Thu 26-Sep-13 13:34:58

The man the OP is talking about isn't the children's father Annie.

Mama1980 Thu 26-Sep-13 13:38:06

Oh love you really need to go back to your gp I think.
You are not a bad person you made a mistake. You are worth everyone's love and respect.
Can u maybe try to focus on something small that you enjoy, a ice cream, a cd, a tv show? Small manageable things just for you. As everyone else has said one foot in front of the other. You will get throughout this.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 26-Sep-13 13:50:08

O right, sorry. blush Note to self: read previous threads before wading in.

Still, I remember believing for a while that the children would be better off with their Dad while I just slid off into the sunset - and then woke up a bit and realised that they really, really wouldn't be, even though he does undoubtedly love them.

I'm also inexorably reminded of my mother, who was one of the world's loveliest people, but who had such high expectations of herself that she would be plunged into despair every time she made a mistake. She used to refer to it as FFs (Failure Feelings). She would allow anyone else to make a mistake, but not herself. Now tell me why that makes sense.

The only thing I regret about my mother is that she was not happier, because she really did deserve to be.

Spiritedwolf Thu 26-Sep-13 14:16:51

Keep speaking to the Samaritans. You should also be able to access emergency mental health care either direct through your community mental health team if you are already known to them, through your GP's office or through A&E. Just waiting for your name to come top of the list for counselling is probably too long for you right now as you sound like you are in crisis.

I don't know when you started on the pills from the GP but it is a common warning that you can feel worse during the first few weeks of taking antidepressants. Even if you have been taking them for longer, you could need your dosage adjusted or to try a different type.

I am not familiar with your back story, but whatever it is you have been through, even if you have said or done things that you aren't proud of, or that you have regrets about, it doesn't mean that you are an awful person or that your children are better off without you. Honestly.

Take care of yourself. Your priority has to be keeping yourself safe, getting help to do that if necessary. xx

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