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Oh the irony! After 15 months he has realised that 'he didn't love her' after all

(111 Posts)
OrmirianResurgam Wed 25-Sep-13 08:49:06

DDay June 2012. Much support (abrasive and otherwise) on here. He and I have been reconciling since then. We've had the usual rollercoaster. Been OK most of the time. First thing he said to when he confessed to the affair was 'I love her'. Ouch! But he loved me more and when it came to it he wasn't prepared to lose me in order to keep her. The 'I love her' niggled. A lot. Everyone who knows about the affair reckoned it was a MLC thing, a bit of an ego-boost, an infatuation (she was 25 to his 50 ffs!!) . H told me he loved her because she was 'worthy of love'. So I took him at his word. He loved her. OK. I had to deal with that.

15 months later he tells me out of the blue that he wonders if he ever really loved her, that it was just an ego-boost MLC type of thing.

I have been on a major self-esteem repair campaign since dday. I felt like an old dishrag, I have been working hard to make myself more confident, capable and less emotionally dependent. Now I don't give a stuff what he felt for her. It DOESN'T MATTER. 15 months ago it did but not now hmm

Oblomov Thu 26-Sep-13 20:51:45

My post diss appeared. Was thinking about you Orm. Then, suddenly , your thread was there.
So glad you are feeling better.
But all sorts of things just don't seem quite right.
But then, you know that, don't you?

Boosterseat Thu 26-Sep-13 20:39:48

Orm please back away from the websites!!!

Its the easy route to blame the other person, introspection and personal development are traits of strong, capable individuals like yourself not the selfish,cheating "woe is me" twunts posting crap on those boards.

A child is your dependant, not your partner. The clue is in the name. Partners want to encourage, enjoy and develop. Parasites feed off a host.

Love for me ORM is passion,admiration and respect. You are strong and you are worthy,you should expect all 3.

flowers

Badvoc Thu 26-Sep-13 19:44:58

Oh orm.
What a sad situation.
You so deserve to fall head over heels for someone and feel something again.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 26-Sep-13 19:38:17

Snuggle - your situation sounds like mine, except I would say the love I have for my DH has been changed by loss of innocence and blind trust.

Op, all the best from here too.

MissStrawberry Thu 26-Sep-13 19:20:36

We can all live without lots of things but choose not too because they add to our life.

I feel you are in a kind of shock and fog and maybe aren't thinking clearly.

He sounds like a knob who doesn't deserve you.

Snugglepiggy Thu 26-Sep-13 17:31:39

3 years on for me ORM and everything you say speaks volumes to me.And reading your posts last year my situation was less messy in a way because once found out DH didn't mess me around to the extent yours did,and he didn't tell the OW he loved her.Don't think for a minute he did,just having a massive MLC and enjoying having his ego stroked.
Like you life goes on and I the main is good.We make a great team practically ,which is just as well as we work together.Or sex life is good.Always was,and he agrees.Although our DCs are grown up we are a close loving family and we see them lots.We have a laugh.We have great friends.But.Oh yes but.Like you I love him and care about him.But something inside me died,and that semi detached ,numb feeling sadly remains a lot of the time.I miss feeling totally in love with him.I get odd glimmers of it coming back and Im not going anywhere any day soon.
But I just miss it.All the best to you.

OrmirianResurgam Thu 26-Sep-13 13:59:22

"Wouldn't you like the chance to be in love again? "

I don't know. I haven't felt that gut churning, high as a kite feeling for anyone for so long so I guess I can live without it. Perhaps we just have different ideas of 'being in love'.

MissStrawberry Thu 26-Sep-13 13:37:08

Is that what you are happy to settle for the rest of your life though, Orm?

Wouldn't you like the chance to be in love again?

It may be that some people fall in and out of love for their spouses but still love them but really I would say it is incredibly hard to get that feeling back when they have trampled all over you so harshly and then just brazenly, calmly, without inhibition and thought they tell you I didn't love the woman I fucked you and the kids over for after all.

orm be careful. I think you are still in love with him, but are a little high on the power you now have in the relationship. He gave her up for you. He says he didn't love her. He wants you. So you're saying hey well I'm here, but you know what, I'm not in love with you sucker so look out.

Either invest, or ship out. Don't mess with your head or his head. It's called playing with fire and you'll get hurt.

I mean this kindly. I'm more or less exactly the same period on from discovery as you. I totally understand the emotional roller coaster.

OrmirianResurgam Thu 26-Sep-13 12:25:35

Oh I still love him. A great deal. But I'm not in love with him. That feeling has come and gone over the years as I beleive is normal. But it's gone now..for good I suspect.

LeGavrOrf Thu 26-Sep-13 12:24:36

Yes. Right back atcha, motherfucker. grin

Lweji Thu 26-Sep-13 12:23:15

That would be so ironic. smile

Oh, I realise I wasn't in love with the OW after all.

Interesting dear, I have also realised I'm not in love with you either.

LeGavrOrf Thu 26-Sep-13 11:49:06

I reckon you should tell him you are not in love with him any more.

How do you think he would react?

LeGavrOrf Thu 26-Sep-13 11:47:54

Have you told him that? That because of his actions you are not in love with him?

But orm, even if you are happy as you are please don't short change yourself. I know you have kids and a settled life and it's comfortable, but wouldn't you like to have that comfort and add to that someone who you are deeply in love with? I am more pragmatic than romantic but I couldn't and wouldn't go through years alongside someone I quite emphatically knew I didn't love dearly. And trust and respect.

Tomorrow you will wake up and you will be 62 and do you still want to be alongside someone you are not in love with? Plus do you think your calm and happy acceptance of this is going to last for years and years? I am sure it will corrode over time.

You sound incredibly together and sensible, and it's extraordinary that you can now wryly laugh at it, seeing how utterly devastated you were last year. But don't be too sensible to your detriment.

OrmirianResurgam Thu 26-Sep-13 10:50:17

Hi orc

I am feeling pretty good actually. In one way his little fantasy escape has done wonders for me. I have got off my arse and sorted myself out. It hurt like hell, for a long time, but it spurred me on to make things better for me. I was stuck in a familiar unchanging pit of depression, boredom and low self-esteem. Not there any more.

I've become semi-detached from H. I think I can carry on like this indefintely. We have nice sex, we take care of each other, we talk about things, we look after the kids together, we have a laugh, we do our seperate things nut we also make time to go out together. It is OK, really I enjoy my life. But I am not in love with him - that was knocked on the head by his actions. Stupid sod.

I ought to thank OW really. Perhaps I will wink

(Not having a pop at you by the way. Just can't believe a site like that exists. It must make it so much more painful for already hurt women. Grr. Hope you're feeling ok this morning brew )

The mindset that allows it all to be ok is a selfish entitled one.
And it's not justifiable. Do you not think that sometimes married women find it all a bit hard or get fed up? It's not a gender exclusive feeling and most people don't have affairs because of it. The only person to blame is himself, as he made that choice. It doesn't actually matter how he was feeling/why he did it because it was not ok

Hope after this process of rebuilding etc you manage to leave him. He deserves less than nothing from you.

perfectstorm Wed 25-Sep-13 20:35:28

Good to hear you're feeling better, Orm. flowers

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 25-Sep-13 20:30:08

Gav - yes, self help books are only useful if you intend to use these to work through your issues, by carrying out the suggested exercises and having discussions. Just reading will not do much to help.

As for those sites - I think you need to be desperate with very poor self esteem to think it is all ok.

AnyFucker Wed 25-Sep-13 20:22:53

Orm, if those sites are "helping" with your cognitive dissonance about the "prize" you won last year, fgs,, delete them from your consciousness....

OrmirianResurgam Wed 25-Sep-13 20:01:16

Hey vivacia, try loveshack. Tis a cracker!! Particularly the Other man/woman forum. You begin to feel a bit like Alice through the looking glass after a while.

af - to try to get some insight I guess. Never been here before - I wondered what mindset allows this all to be OK. It certainly is an eye-opener.

PAsSweetOrangeLurve Wed 25-Sep-13 19:54:02

Welcome back here then - pull up a chair and I will happily tell you about how you are too good for his cheating worthless arse.

Only you can decide what to do. But you sound as if you have experienced a watershed moment; if you leave, it's because you know it's the right thing for you. If you stay, then hopefully it will be on YOUR terms.

AnyFucker Wed 25-Sep-13 19:37:33

Orm, why the Holy Hell have you been hanging out on sites like those ? confused

LeGavrOrf Wed 25-Sep-13 19:36:54

Reading books can be helpful however they are only useful on the surface, he could read all the scenarios and think 'this wasn't me' and be somewhat distant to it.

I could read books about my mental health til the cows come home,it is only talking to someone and accepting it which has enabled me to move forward.

LeGavrOrf Wed 25-Sep-13 19:35:16

That is brilliant about the photo, well done, I haven't an artistic bone in my body so always envy those who are talented.

Those bloody sites you have been reading sound utterly awful. Don't believe any of that shit.

I remember your utter raw pain last year, it was difficult to read. You sound so much stronger and almost philosophical now. You should be bloody well proud of yourself for what you have pulled yourself through.

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