Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Male seeking advice

(308 Posts)
Marmite77 Tue 24-Sep-13 13:32:21

Hi.

I'd imagine this will be quite long and rambling so sorry in advance!

To say I'm a little confused is an understatement and I was hoping here might be the place to get some input/advice.

I have been seeing someone for almost a year. We get on brilliantly, never fight or argue (we had one row which was nonsense and we both apologised immediately afterwards) and have an amazing level of connection to the point where we say the same things unprompted all the time, her family really like me, all our friends like each of us etc. We have told each other we love each other and there has been talk of moving in together and building a life together which we were definitely starting to do.

I say were as yesterday events to an unexpected turn. On Saturday we had been at the wedding of two of my friends and had a great time including plenty to drink. Yesterday we were lying on the couch together watching trashy hangover tv when she said she was feeling down and was going to go home. I asked if she wanted me to come with her and she said no then said that something was wrong and something is missing between us. She had been behaving as normal all weekend and this came completely out of the blue.

She came round on Friday and within 15 minutes we were in bed together and had some great sex, afterwards she was saying how much she fancies me and we were saying we loved each other and embracing and all the good stuff which I only mention to show how we had been with each other before this happened.

Now she's saying she needs some space and wants a break and that she knows this isn't fair on me and she's sorry but needs to do it.

When we were talking about this before she left she said she loves me and fancies me and looks forward to seeing me and had a great time with me but something is missing and mentioned something from saturday night relating to something a friend of mine had said about loving her husband and not wanting to change anything about him and his comfort and happiness is all she concerned with (I had been joking about how it was nice to see him actually dressed well for once, this is a bit of a running joke, I wasn't being a dick) and how she could see how my friend utterly adored him and she didn't know if we had that. This is a couple who have been together for over 10 years and to me the kind of emotion she was referring to is something which develops as a relationship progresses and becomes more long term.

She has said in the past that she can be a difficult person to have a relationship with but I have seen little evidence of this and I genuinely thought this was the woman I was going to be with.

I will have missed loads out and this is probably all over the place as my head is pretty messed up today so please feel free to ask me any questions you would like and all responses are greatly appreciated.

In short I don't know what is going on and I'm deeply confused!

Xollob Sat 05-Oct-13 22:20:33

AnyFucker I am on female threads too - maybe just before I changed to this name though. All the threads I mentioned above have left people hanging too. Just remembered the other one I thought of earlier - the women who went back to an army guy's bed and left her belongings behind - slightly more fun than this one, but that and all the other ones had huge followings.

I think what Marmite has done (apt choice of name btw ;-)) is keep it simple, not disclose too much - men or women who emotionally vomit on Mumsnet seem to get a harder time.

BitOutOfPractice Sat 05-Oct-13 18:45:50

I don't respond to every thread. Just the ones that I feel I have something specific to contribute. Or that strike a particular chord with me. For whatever reason. I don't have the time, expertise, emotional energy or frankly the obligation to answer every Relationships thread. No matter who posts them.

Missbopeep Sat 05-Oct-13 18:45:05

I didn't say that Bit I said his posts provoked interest because he was a man and IME men's posts tend to have a certain 'following' on MN, some of the time.

this is not the same as saying posters on men's threads are some kind of forum groupies- which is what you thought I was saying.

AnyFucker Sat 05-Oct-13 18:32:02

Not looking for a row, bit honestly. And when I say "you guys" I don't mean anyone personally. I simply mean in general you don't find women's threads being kept going this long with no response from the OP. And time and time again I see some properly distressed women not getting the responses they deserve.

BitOutOfPractice Sat 05-Oct-13 18:28:30

AF you need to read more carefully then because I am

Miss you said we were only concerned about him because he's a man. Not true. Well at least not in my case.

Missbopeep Sat 05-Oct-13 18:25:14

Bit I wasn't inferring you needed male attention-you've inferred that all by yourself grin
I was implying that a lot of women like to help guys who come along here because they are a rarity- nothing to do with needing male attention.

I also wonder if the poster was a man- I've known some very articulate men who could write like the poster did- but they are few and far between and the writing is very much 'feminine'. I did wonder if someone had changed the genders for the post so as not to attract stereotypical responses.

AnyFucker Sat 05-Oct-13 17:47:46

I only scrolled back as far as 1st Oct on my phone. Today is the 5th, so at least 4 days since the Op responded. 'nuff said.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's rather sweet you are looking out for him. I don't see you guys on other threads where the (female) OP is in absolutely desperate circumstances though.

However, I am not the thread police. It's up to you. It just struck me as worth mentioning because what we normally see on here is men being treated differently in a negative fashion. This thread is an example of how that is simply not the case.

Punkatheart Sat 05-Oct-13 17:39:05

i think the OP sounded very female. I would love to be proved wrong and find that it was a very emotionally intelligent man, that the whole thing was genuine and that he has been helped in some way...

BitOutOfPractice Sat 05-Oct-13 17:26:39

Yes yes miss I'm so desperate for male attention that I've been hanging round this thread to get it.

Do you know, I'm interested because it was from a human being I felt engaged with. I couldn't care less if it was a man, woman or unicorn

Xollob Sat 05-Oct-13 11:58:58

I'm not sure it was because he was a guy - I have seen plenty of other threads in relationships where people were hanging and kept returning. I think it's because it was simple, but interesting - very much like the other threads recently 'why do I want to lick my boss's chest' is one, but genuine ones too like the lady who found herself falling for a friend who had been widowed, or the other lady who had to rearrange her furniture so her friend had to sit on the sofa with her, or the lady who went out with her builder.

Missbopeep Sat 05-Oct-13 11:32:49

AF I wonder what is different about this one ? hmm

Errr....because it was from a guy?

I am not 100% sure he was genuine though he was clearly articulate and able to express his feelings.

But he was also very defensive when anyone ( me) started pointing out the possible flaws in this 'wonder woman' he was dating.

So either he was :
-a troll
-she's not come back and he can't admit some of us were right
-they are blissfully happy and he doesn't need MN.

Not everyone makes talking to strangers on the web a full time occupation so maybe he's just getting on with life and talking to real people!

Lucca22 Sat 05-Oct-13 10:48:40

Like I said......ha, ha mmmmmm!

BitOutOfPractice Sat 05-Oct-13 10:31:29

I've asked myself the same AF. Dunno. It just struck a chord with me. Indulge us.

Lucca22 Sat 05-Oct-13 10:27:01

You get very paranoid on this sight, especially if you're having to deal with tapped people in your everyday life.

Lucca22 Sat 05-Oct-13 10:11:55

Anyfucker....ha,ha!

AnyFucker Sat 05-Oct-13 10:06:35

Why are you all hanging around for so long gagging for updates ?

There are hundreds of other similar threads that just end abruptly with no conclusion

I wonder what is different about this one ? hmm

BitOutOfPractice Sat 05-Oct-13 10:00:45

I've decided there's something not quite right between me and this thread. Something I can't quite put my finger on. Anyway I've decided I need some space from it wink

Lucca22 Sat 05-Oct-13 02:09:20

Sounds like there is someone else she may be thinking about, ask her. It also sounds like she's got a thing for you but you're too available, you always want the sweeties on the top shelf. Play it cool, don't be around 24/7 for her, she'll hate not knowing what you're up to without her. Good luck.

Xollob Sat 05-Oct-13 00:06:00

I think you got it in your last para pdfan. Been here before plus some.

pdfan Sat 05-Oct-13 00:01:35

But why wouldn't you just continue to believe that he got the advice and opinions he wanted? Possibly, things didn't go well and she told him they're finished, so that's it.
He's upset maybe but no longer needs advice here since he's no longer puzzled as he knows now; sees no need to come back and update the world on what was said privately between them and has now moved on, not feeling the need or simply not bothering to thank anyone for their support.

Why would you not just assume that, as you probably did up till now?
And the same would apply if things went well.

What has changed to make you think of a t----? All that's happened is that more time has passed.

Anyone who'd make up such a detailed scenario with no other motive than for their pleasure in fooling people would be either mentally ill, or else an aspiring novelist trying an idea for an episode in a book maybe to gauge potential readers' reaction to it?

Xollob Fri 04-Oct-13 23:49:34

Some people get kicks out of this sort of thing. Quite sad really.

SweetSeraphim Fri 04-Oct-13 23:36:50

What would be the point though?

Xollob Fri 04-Oct-13 23:34:24

There are some feckin' freaks on here these days.

Xollob Fri 04-Oct-13 23:33:52

Wouldn't dream of it LessMiss ;-)

LessMissAbs Fri 04-Oct-13 23:30:19

You're not suggesting you get posters who act out long held fantasies for gratification are you Xollob?! ;-)

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now