Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Male seeking advice(308 Posts)
I'd imagine this will be quite long and rambling so sorry in advance!
To say I'm a little confused is an understatement and I was hoping here might be the place to get some input/advice.
I have been seeing someone for almost a year. We get on brilliantly, never fight or argue (we had one row which was nonsense and we both apologised immediately afterwards) and have an amazing level of connection to the point where we say the same things unprompted all the time, her family really like me, all our friends like each of us etc. We have told each other we love each other and there has been talk of moving in together and building a life together which we were definitely starting to do.
I say were as yesterday events to an unexpected turn. On Saturday we had been at the wedding of two of my friends and had a great time including plenty to drink. Yesterday we were lying on the couch together watching trashy hangover tv when she said she was feeling down and was going to go home. I asked if she wanted me to come with her and she said no then said that something was wrong and something is missing between us. She had been behaving as normal all weekend and this came completely out of the blue.
She came round on Friday and within 15 minutes we were in bed together and had some great sex, afterwards she was saying how much she fancies me and we were saying we loved each other and embracing and all the good stuff which I only mention to show how we had been with each other before this happened.
Now she's saying she needs some space and wants a break and that she knows this isn't fair on me and she's sorry but needs to do it.
When we were talking about this before she left she said she loves me and fancies me and looks forward to seeing me and had a great time with me but something is missing and mentioned something from saturday night relating to something a friend of mine had said about loving her husband and not wanting to change anything about him and his comfort and happiness is all she concerned with (I had been joking about how it was nice to see him actually dressed well for once, this is a bit of a running joke, I wasn't being a dick) and how she could see how my friend utterly adored him and she didn't know if we had that. This is a couple who have been together for over 10 years and to me the kind of emotion she was referring to is something which develops as a relationship progresses and becomes more long term.
She has said in the past that she can be a difficult person to have a relationship with but I have seen little evidence of this and I genuinely thought this was the woman I was going to be with.
I will have missed loads out and this is probably all over the place as my head is pretty messed up today so please feel free to ask me any questions you would like and all responses are greatly appreciated.
In short I don't know what is going on and I'm deeply confused!
So long as you get that her "reason" might just be "on reflection, this isn't working for me, it just doesn't feel right". I do think she should finish it properly if she's going to, but there might not be a specific reason.
Marmite my advice is to give her space honey. I've learned hard way chasing after someone and pushing them away more when actually I should have put the phone down and stepped away!
* Reasons for not doing so, especially when the exact opposite has been said previously should be given though, out of respect and common courtesy if nothing else*
Would you like to explain on what basis you are (a) insisting on this (b) how you intend to enforce it and (c) will you be applying a standard to which the "reasons" must comply before you accept them?
You are not in any contract, it is purely a voluntary arrangement which can be ended by either party at any time, with or without the giving of any reasons, whether that is satisfactory to one side or not.
When this happened to a close relative of mine, his ex had found someone else. She was loving and sex was great up to the day she dumped him. Some people are spookily good at hiding their feelings and are too cowardly to be honest. I don't know why people are being harsh on you. There is no reason to believe any of this is your fault.
She either will come back or she won't. Personally, I would not give her forever. Tell her to let you know where you are within a certain period of time or you consider yourself to be a free agent.
It is called courtesy. Of course a relationship is a voluntary arrangement, as are many arrangements in life. If I did not meet a mate after arranging to, I think they could expect a good reason. Ending a relationship after a year surely demands at least the same level of decency.
Hello, I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. It does sound like she is messing you about but probably because she doesn't know what she wants/ how she feels. I would honestly give her space and don't text or call etched as you need to give her time to miss you and think about you and hopefully come back to you. Good luck
LessMissAbs - it's about being a decent person and drawing a line under things. It's not something I can a) insist on b) enforce or c) have to like the reasons given but it is something I would provide myself (without being unnecessarily harsh) and would expect from someone I've been very close to
Poor OP is getting a bit of a hard time. I read this as heartbreak and hurt, and trying to put a positive spin on what sounds horribly like the beginning of the end of the relationship for him when he was happy.
Your GF admits she isn't good at relationships, which maybe means she has unreasonable expectations of perfection or just doesn't want to settle for someone less than her ideal man. One year in you are comfortable with each other and settled into a pattern which sounds pleasant enough. But maybe she is freaking out now.
Is this good enough to last? Should I see if I can find someone better?
<<cue Peggy Lee>> Is that all there is?
Be kind to yourself OP. You haven't done anything wrong. She is having a wobble and may fly out of orbit and leave you or settle down again and expect all to go back as it was. Your choice whether you can live with that in future.
If she is comparing the romantic power of a wedding day with an everyday kind of day she is always going to be missing something.
It sounds a bit like a combination of the post drinks blues, weddings making you question things, hormones and fear of committing all in one bundle, perhaps. She might feel better in a bit.
There is probably nothing you can do if she is deciding to leave so in the hope that she is going to be okay, just try to be the best you can be. Thoughtful, kind, giving her space but not leaving her to stew, loving but not smothering and as much fun as possible. Easy! Not.
Not being good at relationships sounds like something someone would say to let another down gently. It certainly doesn't sound like someone who shares the OP's aspirations of being with the person for the rest of their lives, no matter what the OP says about them being compatible and never arguing, etc..
Because for all that the OP has said, he simply doesn't sound like he knows this woman that well at all. All he has described is his interpretation of how he thinks she feels, and since she is ending it, it is quite likely he has got it wrong.
Again, timeframes - this is a relatively short relationship with no marriage or engagement, and the dumping was done only yesterday. While it is quite possible that the OP will be given more reasons in due course, it is again jumping the gun to expect detailed reasons immediately, if she is indeed letting him down gently.
And in actual fact, he may never be given any reasons, which might well be discourteous and which he might well expect as much as he likes, but there is nothing he can do about that.
But my hunch is that the lady simply doesn't feel quite the same as the gentleman here.
I think she is game playing which is a real shame because I think it shows a level of immaturity that means she isn't ready for the level of commitment you're hoping for. Saying something like that and then leaving you to stew and worry is cruel childish behaviour. After a year and given how serious the relationship has been she should at this stage be able to talk about how she feels honestly. The "I need space" think is such a nasty cop out - it basically means "you need to worry but I'm not going to tell you why."
In your shoes I would text saying "I am worried about you and our relationship. You know I love you and want to be with you but I'm not willing to hang around while you hang the prospect of splitting or not splitting over my head. I would at least like the chance to talk it through so I know where I stand. The ball is in your court."
Then let her come to you, if that's what she wants.
If someone said to me out of nowhere that they think something's wrong and something is missing from the relationship, then I wouldn't be able to carry on the relationship in a normal way without getting to the bottom of it. It's quite cruel and manipulative to go around casually dropping that kind of thing, not resolving it, then behaving normally, then doing it again by asking for space but keeping you hanging on.
Also IME people who say they are difficult to have a relationship with ... are difficult to have a relationship with. It usually means they feed off creating drama within the relationship.
You sound really nice and sensible OP, and obviously you think the world of her. But you should be prepared that this might be a warning sign that she might not be as perfect as you think. 12 months is not that much time - you don't fully know her. It's possible that her relationships don't work out because she has some sort of cycle of pulling away and then getting back together going on.
Have read the beginning , some middle and end so excuse me if I've missed something really important.
I think Marmite that you need to give her space. My gut reaction is that words- like always saying you love her and so on- can make a person feel they have to say the same back. So she may have been feeling ambivalent for a long time but afraid to say so, and felt compelled to say 'I love you back' if you say this is lot. It takes a lot of guts not to respond by saying the same back even if you are having negative feelings about the person.
Ditto the great sex on Friday. she may have been testing the water to see how she felt, or making an effort one more time, or having sex to avoid talking about her feelings. Who knows.
But back off and let her come to you is my advice. something's going on in her head so let her sort it. And maybe stop telling her you love her every 5 minutes- that would actually annoy me.
missbopeep - I haven't been telling her every 5 minutes, that would drive me up the wall myself once a day tops when saying goodbye
Do you always take everything so literally? The 5 mins comment was an extreme example- I meant even daily would be OTT imo.
Once every time you say goodbye- is that daily, weekly, or what? It still sounds OTT to me. I've never had a guy say that so often no matter how bonkers he was over me.
There's nothing like a wedding for focusing your thoughts on love and relationships.
what are you going to do now?
Missbopeep give the guy a break!! I don't think it's OTT to say "I love you" every day.
Seems you're determined to make this his fault!
well that's up to you. Just as what I think and feel is up to me.
Can't you see that saying I love you daily possibly makes it almost meaningless perhaps OR makes the person feel a bit suffocated- especially if she has doubts about her feelings?
It could be that the sex was great it she realised she just couldn't face being shackled to you in a marriage and the wedding made her realise. Perhaps there are things about you that just don't fit her idea of what a life partner should be.
I'm going to say the same thing I'd say to a woman if she were in your position, OP. Stop wasting energy trying to figure out what's going on in her head. You'll never manage it and you'll make yourself crazy.
Without any kind of explanation you can only take her on face value of her actions.
People who are happy and in love with their partners don't ask for space and complain about 'something missing'.
Unless they are massive game players.
So I think you can only infer that she's either not happy and in love with you, or she's a massive game player.
Neither is good.
So with the facts you have at hand I think the only thing you can do is leave her be and see of she does you the courtesy of offering you an explanation. If not, I think you should make your next move based on the amount of crap you're prepared to put up with.
Yeah, in your opinion, it's too much miss. In others' opinions it's not. You are projecting what you think is right for you onto the OP's GF.
I agree with rinse though OP. About it being a waste of time tryng to second guess her. Even if you do work out her motives, it is unlikely to make any difference.
Not that that will stop you wondering because I think it's human nature to wonder why and try and make sense of things that make no sense. But it will drive you insane for no real benefit
I also agree with you OP that after a year of being very close you do deserve an honest and real explanation. I just doubt you're going to get one
You have my sympathies. This kind of wondering and worrying is just exhausting.
Good luck OP
Bit no I'm not projecting. I'm offering my opinion which is something different.
I just don't happen to agree with your opinion, so you tell me to give the guy a break- meaning you are right then?
From what I've read so far, my post was more supportive than many.
I feel that people are more likely to be attracted to those who seem free, independent and self-sufficient spirits. Those who do not give you the impression that their whole life and happiness is utterly dependent on you and that they're besotted by you. It's almost too much of a responsibility, or burden, to have someone clinging onto you to give meaning to their life and constantly telling you how much they love you.
Perhaps she felt you needed her too much and she just had to escape?
By not contacting her and getting on with the rest of your life you can show her that you can survive without her.
So leave it to her, and don't go over the top if and when she does contact you again. That would be my advice.
Even if she does contact you, the bottom line is you'll never feel quite the same again about her, will you? The false sense of security that had been built up in your mind has gone.
Supportive? Yeah. OK
Bluegrass, I think the reason OP is puzzledis because, right until the point when she left, she seemed to be as much into him a he was into her. That's why he's at a loss. That it was so sudden.
Of course she may well have been having dubts for weeks or months but his them well because the OPis blindsided by this. He thoought they were happy. That she loved him too.
And I don't think every day is "contsantly"
Join the discussion
Please login first.