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Male seeking advice

(308 Posts)
Marmite77 Tue 24-Sep-13 13:32:21

Hi.

I'd imagine this will be quite long and rambling so sorry in advance!

To say I'm a little confused is an understatement and I was hoping here might be the place to get some input/advice.

I have been seeing someone for almost a year. We get on brilliantly, never fight or argue (we had one row which was nonsense and we both apologised immediately afterwards) and have an amazing level of connection to the point where we say the same things unprompted all the time, her family really like me, all our friends like each of us etc. We have told each other we love each other and there has been talk of moving in together and building a life together which we were definitely starting to do.

I say were as yesterday events to an unexpected turn. On Saturday we had been at the wedding of two of my friends and had a great time including plenty to drink. Yesterday we were lying on the couch together watching trashy hangover tv when she said she was feeling down and was going to go home. I asked if she wanted me to come with her and she said no then said that something was wrong and something is missing between us. She had been behaving as normal all weekend and this came completely out of the blue.

She came round on Friday and within 15 minutes we were in bed together and had some great sex, afterwards she was saying how much she fancies me and we were saying we loved each other and embracing and all the good stuff which I only mention to show how we had been with each other before this happened.

Now she's saying she needs some space and wants a break and that she knows this isn't fair on me and she's sorry but needs to do it.

When we were talking about this before she left she said she loves me and fancies me and looks forward to seeing me and had a great time with me but something is missing and mentioned something from saturday night relating to something a friend of mine had said about loving her husband and not wanting to change anything about him and his comfort and happiness is all she concerned with (I had been joking about how it was nice to see him actually dressed well for once, this is a bit of a running joke, I wasn't being a dick) and how she could see how my friend utterly adored him and she didn't know if we had that. This is a couple who have been together for over 10 years and to me the kind of emotion she was referring to is something which develops as a relationship progresses and becomes more long term.

She has said in the past that she can be a difficult person to have a relationship with but I have seen little evidence of this and I genuinely thought this was the woman I was going to be with.

I will have missed loads out and this is probably all over the place as my head is pretty messed up today so please feel free to ask me any questions you would like and all responses are greatly appreciated.

In short I don't know what is going on and I'm deeply confused!

arsenaltilidie Tue 24-Sep-13 14:56:59

she has said in the past that she can be a difficult person to have a relationship with

LISTEN TO HER!!!!

Shes playing with your head and she's probably one of those women that loves drama and feels a bit unsettled (something missing) when everything is great.

Get rid of her ASAP before you waste your life with her.

Phylis81 Tue 24-Sep-13 14:58:43

Thinking about it I reckon it could have been caused by the wedding, especially if you have only ever joked about the subject.

Because my partner is against marriage I do tend to go more distant on him when a wedding comes up or when someone tells me they've got engaged. Simply because it saddens me that I know I won't experience it which makes me question my relationship.

Dahlen Tue 24-Sep-13 15:01:29

I'm torn on the issue of: she has said in the past that she can be a difficult person to have a relationship with.

The "listen to people when they tell you who they are" advice on here is so often right.

OTOH, I know a lot of people who have internalised that message about themselves when the reality is that they're standing up for themselves in the context of a relationship that is treating them badly.

Then there can be "difficult" as in ill-suited, where no one is behaving badly but they are just fundamentally mismatched. Sometimes it takes the experience of a few wrong relationships to work out a good match.

Marmite77 Tue 24-Sep-13 15:03:20

arsenaltilidie - you couldn't be further from the truth, she is no lover of dramas

Phylis81 - none of the wedding comments before now have been negative but I do think the actual weddings we went to are influencing things

bluegrasses Tue 24-Sep-13 15:06:13

something a friend of mine had said about loving her husband and not wanting to change anything about him and his comfort and happiness is all she concerned with.. and how she could see how my friend utterly adored him and she didn't know if we had that.

Surely this means that she doesn't really feel like that about you? Things about you she'd like to change - maybe to do with your looks, your personality? She has a few reservations about you and doesn't utterly adore you like your friend does her man, it seems.
Perhaps you just don't satisfy her ideals of what the perfect man for her should really be.
Did you feel she's the perfect woman for you, or do you have any reservations about her as well?
If you can live happily without her it might be best in the end, rather than being found wanting and never quite coming up to her high standards.

Marmite77 Tue 24-Sep-13 15:06:55

Dahlen - we definitely aren't fundamentally mismatched, quite the opposite. She made the difficult comment some while back and I think (hope) it was more of a self aware warning than anything else

bluegrasses Tue 24-Sep-13 15:07:00

something a friend of mine had said about loving her husband and not wanting to change anything about him and his comfort and happiness is all she concerned with.. and how she could see how my friend utterly adored him and she didn't know if we had that.

Surely this means that she doesn't really feel like that about you? Things about you she'd like to change - maybe to do with your looks, your personality? She has a few reservations about you and doesn't utterly adore you like your friend does her man, it seems.
Perhaps you just don't satisfy her ideals of what the perfect man for her should really be.
Did you feel she's the perfect woman for you, or do you have any reservations about her as well?
If you can live happily without her it might be best in the end, rather than being found wanting and never quite coming up to her high standards.

bluegrasses Tue 24-Sep-13 15:08:33

Sorry, it somehow got posted twice

Marmite77 Tue 24-Sep-13 15:20:29

bluegrasses - it could mean she doesn't feel the same about me as my friend does about her husband but I wouldn't expect us to feel the same as a couple who have been together for more than a decade.

The only reservation I have would be if this kind of thing was to happen again in the future. Nobody is perfect but I do think she is the perfect woman for me

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 24-Sep-13 15:22:36

One small point. Why did you want a female perspective if you're just going to dismiss every observation? Do you think... possibly... that might be part of the problem? She's been telling you stuff that's important and you've been blithely carrying on and not listening?

Jan45 Tue 24-Sep-13 15:25:29

I thought the same, you don't seem prepared to take any of the observations made here.

Marmite77 Tue 24-Sep-13 15:29:11

I'm certainly taking everyone's input onboard and I'm not trying to be dismissive, I'm just trying to give my take on what's being said.

I'm grateful for all the responses and comments

she needs some space and wants a break and that she knows this isn't fair on me and she's sorry but needs to do it

That is all you need to know really.
Have a break, give her some space.
Do NOT contact her at all until she contacts you.
That phrase above is often used by people who are cheating and laying the ground before being found out/telling their OH.
It just sounds like she's not that into you to be honest.
Let her go for now. She may realise what she's missing and come crawling back but just sit back and wait for that - it may not happen though!

bluegrasses Tue 24-Sep-13 15:38:26

I wouldn't expect us to feel the same as a couple who have been together for more than a decade.

It's maybe not the norm to find your partner so wonderful that you utterly adore him in every way after 10 years! I'd have thought that would be more likely at the beginning.

JohFlow Tue 24-Sep-13 15:42:34

Keep it simple.

Words to the effect of 'I've noticed a change between us and I'm confused. Did something happen at the wedding? I think there is something unsaid. What's going on?'

lurkinglorna Tue 24-Sep-13 15:47:30

Coming in a bit harsh here but (regardless of gender) "I need a break" doesn't mean the person has a right to expect the other to wait round until they're completely certain of what they want.

Clarify to her that she can have all the time she wants, but YOU'LL be considering other options whilst she makes her mind up.

I don't mean you should move in with someone tomorrow, but you can't just be "on call" for someone who is emotionally dithering (and I don't mean this in a negative way, I'm an emotional ditherer myself but I don't expect my admirers to put their lives on hold for me)?

Go on dates, even if there's no immediate fireworks, you don't even need to be having sex, just don't get "oneitis". I'd agree with having NO contact with her as well.

Nothing like a bit of "NOT being a sure thing" to get someone to be a bit more decisive....smile

SoleSource Tue 24-Sep-13 15:52:45

Does she think you're a mind reader? she needs to tell you what is wrong out of respect. If not LEAVE THE BITCH

Marmite77 Tue 24-Sep-13 16:15:37

lurkinglorna - I agree that needing a break doesn't mean the other person waits around at their say so but she knows exactly how I feel about her and I'm not about to go out dating

LessMissAbs Tue 24-Sep-13 16:21:01

I genuinely thought this was the woman I was going to be with

I think you are jumping the gun. How can you be so certain after almost a year with someone? She has signed no contract stating that she is going to get married to you and have your babies. You are still finding out about each other, not committing to some kind of future together.

It is entirely possible that she has gone off you or is attracted to someone else, finds you clingy or just simply no longer wants a relationship with you. All of which she is perfectly entitled to do.

I am sure you will meet someone else.

LessMissAbs Tue 24-Sep-13 16:25:17

And I really wouldn't want to live in a world where everyone who dates someone for at least a year is compelled to spend the rest of their lives with them, or face an inquisition and being called a bitch or a game player if they don't!

Marmite77 Tue 24-Sep-13 16:35:50

LessMissAbs - jumping the gun a bit maybe but I'm a reasonable age and I've had enough relationships in the past to know when I've met someone different. She has said similar things to me too. She could have gone off me but that doesn't tally with any of her behaviour, hence my confusion.

As for an inquisition, that clearly isn't happening, and nothing else in your second post is expected or has happened either

LessMissAbs Tue 24-Sep-13 16:41:15

Marmite77 As for an inquisition, that clearly isn't happening, and nothing else in your second post is expected or has happened either

Do you actually respect your girlfriend's wishes, and ability to have thoughts of her own, without you being involved somehow?

You sound unnaturally obsessed and controlling for what has, after all, been a relatively short term relationship.

Its none of your business whether her going off you "tallies with her behaviour" - its her decision, and hers alone. She is under no obligation to continue any relationship with you, or even to provide you for any reasons not to.

Whether or not you have reached an age where you want certain things does not mean everything just falls into your lap.

MadBusLady Tue 24-Sep-13 16:48:27

I think you're being a little harsh there LMA. She might well decide she's gone off him, and that's entirely her right (as long as she clarifies things soon), but the OP can't help expressing sadness and wondering what might have gone wrong. "Controlling" would be trying to impose his view of events on her, which there is no sign he's doing.

OP, I agree with Lorna inasmuch as you should at least have a squint at a future that may not contain your gf. Not dating necessarily, but equally don't put your life on hold waiting for the "space" period to come to an end.

DuelingFanjo Tue 24-Sep-13 16:48:53

How can you 'leave the bitch' if 'the bitch' has already left?

Marmite77 Tue 24-Sep-13 16:51:42

Of course I respect her views and wishes. She's a very strong and intelligent person and these are some of the things I like the most about her.

I'm not controlling at all, I'm confused by what has happened and naturally I'm going to be thinking about what has gone on and be looking for suggestions that what she has said was coming and try to make sense of things.

As for continuing a relationship, she is under no obligation whatsoever. Reasons for not doing so, especially when the exact opposite has been said previously should be given though, out of respect and common courtesy if nothing else.

Where exactly have I given the impression that I'm expecting everything to fall into my lap?

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