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please stop me from getting back with my ex.(30 Posts)
I left my partner at the beginning of the year. Recently I have been having doubts about us getting back together (he wants to, I have said no so far). Sometimes I do consider giving him another chance but my head just screams NO!! I'm pretty sure he was emotionally abusive but I just keep doubting myself.
So, I find myself here to ask you to knock some sense into me before I let him in too much and get back with him. These are the kinds of things he done to me in our time together (these just a few examples of things that happened, I'd need a goof few hours ro explain fully).
Left me crying and alone with a 6wo, colicky baby to go out drinking with his pals, I'd been up since 4am. He went out at least twice a week and I was left home alone.
He went out xmas eve, again drinking with his pals (there's a theme here) and left me sitting alone. He refused to get up and watch ds open his presents as he did't get in till 3am.
New Year he didn't come home till 6am.
When he had been out drinking he would come home and either try to force himself on me or wake me up and shout at me for no reason, he would be really angry.
Tell me he didn't fancy/love me anymore, then retract the statement.
I caught him messaging about 4 other girls, he has never admitted to cheating. They were not innocent texts.
He never gave me money for any food/nappies etc that I bought despite us splitting ALL bills 50/50 and him earning double what I did.
The night my DGran died he was at work. I text him to tell him (it wasn't a shock, we knew she was going soon) I didn't even get a text back to ask if I was ok.
Constantly telling me I was crazy and needed professional help when I tried to talk about our issues.
Since I left he has been at me with the "I've realised what I have done and I've changed". I really hope he has, I'd hate for another girl to go through what I did. Please tell me that I am right in not going back. I know I am really but I cannot stop the urge to go back and please him. I'm terrified of being the way I was. Before him I was a strong person but I've changed since him, slowing getting back on track.
I am indebted to Saint Lundy of Bancroft for this insight (paraphrased): if an abusive man has truly changed he will respect your choice not to be with him. If he keeps on and on at you about how you really ought to take him back because he's learned his lesson and is all great now - he hasn't, and he isn't.
You have the right to self-determination, including not giving the ex a 115th chance not to behave like a cock if you don't wish to. It's his lack of respect for your right to choose which tells you where he's really at.
I found it helped to write stuff down that he did that was awful, like when he filmed us dtd in secret, when he left me the night before my birthday, the fact he still hasn't paid back the money he owes me, some of the whoppers he's told, violence he's threatened me with, I could go on and on and on and putting notes of it on y phone to keep fresh in my mind what a prick he is.
If you hold strong now, in X months you will be totally cured.
If you let him back you will be back at square one and it will take however much time you're with him again, plus the time you've spent getting this far plus another X months or more until you are cured.
Don't let him back into your life. Learn from me- I had an abusive relationship 20 years ago and I went back- and it was harder to leave the second time around.
I had to have counselling to find out why I was with such a tosser. Basically because I had grown up with emotional abuse in the family and that gave me issues with self esteem etc.
20 years on and I am with a (so far!) good man.
He will not have changed and probably never will.
You have had good advice in other posts. Take that advice.
Also, if you go back with him you will miss out on opportunities to meet nice, decent men.
That's really helped talkativejim. I've taken a screenshot of it.
Well done on getting out.
My one tip for keeping yourself away from and safe from this shtibag of a man would be to look at your son and say 'What kind of childhood would I want for him?'
Would you like his main memory of Christmas to be a hungover aggressive man bellowing at his mother? Opening his presents quietly in the sitting room with the door shut and an anxious mummy trying REALLY HARD to smile whilst sayign 'shh now, you know Daddy's sleeping...'
Forever hearing his Daddy tell Mummy that she's thick/slow/insane/a stupid cunt?
Getting woken up by the sound of Daddy growling something nextdoor while Mummy says no, get off me?
Getting to the age where he starts answering back, being more challenging, and instead of being guided and taught by the male figure in the house, getting shouted at/talked down to/treated like shit himself?
Being taught by his Daddy to be a woman-hating, drunken, violent thug? - and start using the same language to you by the time he's 13?
You want the best for your son? You want him to grow up with a good sense of self and knowing what happy relationships look like?
Then stay well away, and keep your fingers crossed that this lowlife gets bored and disappears out of both your lives.
Nothing really to add except to reinforce the 'no contact' suggestions. It was the part about him calling you nuts just for simply wanting to talk.... pretty sinister stuff. He's the type that will try to convince you day is night if you let him. So go no contact, no texts, no phone-calls and communicate essentials about your child only, preferably through e-mail where it's less easy to influence.
You're doing the right thing
Thank you for all the replies. It's good get a view on this from people who know neither of us. I know not to go back but the doubts still niggle away sometimes
Do not give in and pretend all is ok again
live was shit.
you split up.
life got better.
there you go.
OP, everything has improved by just not having him around. Every day you are getting stronger. Can you imagine how much happier and stronger you will be after another six months of "just not having him around"?
And while your not having him around, you can sit back and watch him prove that he has not changed. Then you can pat yourself on the back and say "I told me so" and feel a bit smug.
Everything has improved, mainly that I no longer feel worthless. If I had to describe how I felt in 1 word that would be it.
In what ways has your life been better since you binned him OP?
Thank you for all the replies. He was happy when we split up at first but when he had enough if being single and shagging about he came back. You are all right when you say he is only saying he has changed, there have been no actions to back it up.
He knows how to get into my head and I hate it.
Of course he says he has changed! It's working isn't it? Causing you to doubt yourself again?
You got it right the first time you left, he is that selfish he couldn't even be arsed to get up for his own child on Xmas day!
If you went back I would bet my house on NOTHING changing and things in fact even getting worse. If he can treat you like that and you still go back for more, well he knows he can do pretty much anything and get away with it.
There is not one reason to go back, and many, many reasons not to. Don't doubt yourself OP. Block his number, stop letting him mess with your head. He's not doing it out of love - quite the opposite. Don't fall for it again!
The fact that you are asking for help not to get back with him is proof that your head KNOWS you were treated badly and KNOWS getting back with him would be horrific (if not straight away, then soon). Your heart will catch up, but it needs time and care.
I second the above advice about remembering how he made you feel. Write it down. Whenever you feel like you want to go back, write down your feelings and work out what it is you are missing.
Is there a better way of getting what you need? I went back to my ex, it was as bad as ever, despite endless promises to change. This time, I am moving on, getting what I thought I needed from him from other people - talk to people (anyone!), get hugs, do fun new things (walking is good if you are skint)...I have a new man (casual and fun to be with) who makes me feel good and shows me such a contrast to my ex that I would never go back!
Onwards and upwards. I find it helps to simplify it and just remember that he wasn't kind to me. That's a great reason for not going back.
You neen to distance yourself.
He knows which buttons to press.
Speak to WA. You probably need some help getting over the abuse you've suffered. Scrap that. You really need some help
Accept that you need time to heal and move on xx
Print your OP and put it on the walls. Toilet, kitchen, bedroom.
You should really try to minimise contact if he pesters you to go back.
He's only saying he has changed. Has he even shown any signs? I doubt it, and even so, I'd expect consistent behaviour for at least a year or more.
You can't ever trust someone with a proven ability to be ea to you. You'll end up in the same or worse situation. Stop replying, maybe put some effort into meeting a nice bloke instead.
wow you really could be me OP, I cannot recommend the no contact book amazon/google it its amazing and also I have found this meditation on you tube. It's about attracting love but actually it's full of really nice positive affirmations and it's really nice to go to sleep to.
It's clear that he was emotionally abusive as wells just a complete selfish thoughtless tosser and all the advice about non contact is a very good idea but I suspect it's not your head that's having the wobble but your heart.
So, my remarks (above) are made to your heart (which can play the most awful tricks on you) - this man makes you feel sad, he always will and you deserve to be happy and you will be happy but not with this man.
Do not take him back - choose a future of happiness instead of letting him make you miserable again.
Don't go back. He does not deserve you. Be yourself again. Your needs and DC's are priority, not his after a night out drinking. It is not easy to raise a child alone but having him around would be worse.
OP, of course he has realized what he's done. He doesn't have you to cook, clean, keep his bed warm and be his emotional punchbag.
You got rid of him once? How hard was that? If you take him back, you'll just have to get rid of him again. And this time will probably be harder.
The thing to remember in these sorts of situations is this:
A good relationship really shouldn't make you cry all the time or make you unhappy. You have to remember they way he used to make you feel and remind yourself that that is how your relationship is and it's really not going to change into what you would like it to be.
I'm so sorry he did all these mean things to you; you really are worth more than this.
And whilst it can be really tough on your own, it is so much better to be own your own - your self esteem will build back up and, although you may feel you never want to stop caring, one day you will wake up and it just won't hurt anymore and you will be happy (my mum told me this when my first love broke my heart and she was so right and I used to remind my self of this every time a man made me sad in the years that followed!).
Lastly, if you go back to him and you are miserable the lovely man that out there and who you deserve to be with won't realise you're miserable and won't ever ask you out!
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