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please stop me from getting back with my ex.

(30 Posts)
nc990 Mon 23-Sep-13 21:22:04

I left my partner at the beginning of the year. Recently I have been having doubts about us getting back together (he wants to, I have said no so far). Sometimes I do consider giving him another chance but my head just screams NO!! I'm pretty sure he was emotionally abusive but I just keep doubting myself.

So, I find myself here to ask you to knock some sense into me before I let him in too much and get back with him. These are the kinds of things he done to me in our time together (these just a few examples of things that happened, I'd need a goof few hours ro explain fully).

Left me crying and alone with a 6wo, colicky baby to go out drinking with his pals, I'd been up since 4am. He went out at least twice a week and I was left home alone.
He went out xmas eve, again drinking with his pals (there's a theme here) and left me sitting alone. He refused to get up and watch ds open his presents as he did't get in till 3am.
New Year he didn't come home till 6am.
When he had been out drinking he would come home and either try to force himself on me or wake me up and shout at me for no reason, he would be really angry.
Tell me he didn't fancy/love me anymore, then retract the statement.
I caught him messaging about 4 other girls, he has never admitted to cheating. They were not innocent texts.
He never gave me money for any food/nappies etc that I bought despite us splitting ALL bills 50/50 and him earning double what I did.
The night my DGran died he was at work. I text him to tell him (it wasn't a shock, we knew she was going soon) I didn't even get a text back to ask if I was ok.
Constantly telling me I was crazy and needed professional help when I tried to talk about our issues.

Since I left he has been at me with the "I've realised what I have done and I've changed". I really hope he has, I'd hate for another girl to go through what I did. Please tell me that I am right in not going back. I know I am really but I cannot stop the urge to go back and please him. I'm terrified of being the way I was. Before him I was a strong person but I've changed since him, slowing getting back on track.

nc990 Tue 24-Sep-13 17:05:30

That's really helped talkativejim. I've taken a screenshot of it.

Officershitty Tue 24-Sep-13 18:05:20

Don't let him back into your life. Learn from me- I had an abusive relationship 20 years ago and I went back- and it was harder to leave the second time around.
I had to have counselling to find out why I was with such a tosser. Basically because I had grown up with emotional abuse in the family and that gave me issues with self esteem etc.
20 years on and I am with a (so far!) good man.
He will not have changed and probably never will.
You have had good advice in other posts. Take that advice.
Also, if you go back with him you will miss out on opportunities to meet nice, decent men.

WafflyVersatile Tue 24-Sep-13 18:20:47

If you hold strong now, in X months you will be totally cured.

If you let him back you will be back at square one and it will take however much time you're with him again, plus the time you've spent getting this far plus another X months or more until you are cured.

DragonsAreReal Tue 24-Sep-13 18:23:09

I found it helped to write stuff down that he did that was awful, like when he filmed us dtd in secret, when he left me the night before my birthday, the fact he still hasn't paid back the money he owes me, some of the whoppers he's told, violence he's threatened me with, I could go on and on and on and putting notes of it on y phone to keep fresh in my mind what a prick he is.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 24-Sep-13 18:51:24

I am indebted to Saint Lundy of Bancroft for this insight (paraphrased): if an abusive man has truly changed he will respect your choice not to be with him. If he keeps on and on at you about how you really ought to take him back because he's learned his lesson and is all great now - he hasn't, and he isn't.

You have the right to self-determination, including not giving the ex a 115th chance not to behave like a cock if you don't wish to. It's his lack of respect for your right to choose which tells you where he's really at.

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