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I miss him ...

(42 Posts)
Tigermax Mon 23-Sep-13 21:08:45

20 years into my relationship I had a brief affair a while ago. We didn't make it to sex but had long phone calls, texts and a couple of short meetings before I broke it off. I am heart broken and miss him so much. I think about him all the time. Of course it's affecting my marriage as I'm miserable and I can't explain why to my DH! I feel like I'm in secret mourning. We have 2 DC's and a good relationship that I don't want to end. Anyone else been there - leave or stay? How on earth do I make a decision?

Yougotbale Mon 23-Sep-13 21:27:26

Leave, if that's what you want?

Tigermax Mon 23-Sep-13 21:37:01

Sometimes I want to leave. But then I panic, tell myself to stop behaving like a teenager and feel ok in my marriage for a while. I always think about the OM though and eventually get to a point where I think leaving is my best option. It just keeps going in circles...

herald Mon 23-Sep-13 21:42:08

If you are genuinely want to be with this other man then it is the right thing to do and finish your marriage, not for you but for DH and DCs. Only you can make the decision but you will leave a lot of devastated people behind due to your actions

Yougotbale Mon 23-Sep-13 22:00:14

I'd tell your husband though. He should know. He might decide he wants to split. Maybe he has a secret feeling for someone he used to have an affair with

something2say Mon 23-Sep-13 22:01:15

Here's what I would do.

Grieve and let it go. Accept that you made your choice and are now sticking with it like many a married woman before you no doubt.

Then, when you don't pine for the OM anymore, start getting emotionally close to your husband.

I bet what you actually miss is a fantasy, based on all that talking and projecting onto each other. It's not real. Learn to talk to your loving husband again x

Duckeggblues Mon 23-Sep-13 22:02:06

Marking my place. 'Fraid to say I am in a similar situation. Bad choices on my part. In marriage counselling and therapy to help me a) address the issues in my marriage and work out whether it's viable (DH does not know about the third party) and b) to work out why I am so unhappy in my marriage and in myself that I got my head turned.

Pining for third party not helpful - I rationalise that the relationship would not have worked out but it's effing hard.

Annabelllll Mon 23-Sep-13 22:12:01

Dear Lord! I'm in the same situaction!
I have a nice husband and a child.
I love the other man. Loved him for a year now and still not getting any better :/ I'm absolutely mental I think :/
No real advice. Just hugs.
xxx

herald Mon 23-Sep-13 22:13:36

Cake and eat it?

arsenaltilidie Mon 23-Sep-13 22:18:17

Why is it always the nice man that get cheated on shock

PractialJoke Mon 23-Sep-13 22:20:19

It's a long hard road, but it did eventually improve - a lot.

Stop all contact if you haven't already and refuse to let yourself think about him. I developed what must have looked like a nervous tick. I physically shock him out of my head whenever he popped up.

After 3 months it got a bit easier. 2 years on whole weeks can pass without me thinking of him. Now I don't have that distraction Dh and I are getting back to where we should have been.

FWIW, I don't think my relationship with Dh was ever that bad. My youngest DC had just started school and I was bored. An awful cliché, but that's how it was. OM was/is lovely, but so is DH. In fact I used to find myself wishing DH would be horrible, so I'd have a "reason" to go. So glad I didn't now though.

Tigermax Tue 24-Sep-13 04:01:58

I have been considering that it is the fantasy I have built up that I am missing. That's one if the reasons I broke it off with OM. And I have been getting on with business as usual, convinced that time will be a healer. What scares me is that I may be giving up a soul mate and that a few months down the line I will realize that and it will be too late. Don't agree that I want my cake and eat it... I don't want to have an affair, I don't want to keep my DH or the OM dangling. What's the comment about the good ones getting cheated on about? Not very helpful and totally incorrect.... Sorry to hear of others out there - it's so draining!

PractialJoke Tue 24-Sep-13 07:59:22

I knit exactly what you mean about soul mate but You're right its a fantasy. It feels like that because real life never gets in the way-you don't have to deal with big issues about dc or money, he's never had to pick up the slack when you're ill,tired,hangover or lazy and he's never done the same fir you. You've never even had to discuss who's turn it is to wash up.

Time will heal slowly. You most likely feeling when you look back is "what was i thinking?!"

Time will heal but its a slow process but you mist likely

Duckeggblues Tue 24-Sep-13 09:14:02

My marriage was not great pre or post affair.
Did talk with third party what reality of us both leaving our marriages would be like with kids involved, the financial implications and how the daily irritations and baggage we both have from life, the upset we'd cause to kids and wiser family and tried to evaluate what was the affair fantasy/excitement/distraction and what was real.

I ended it because I struggled with the double life and known that if I want to leave my marriage it must be for me not because there's another waiting in the wings.

Now I just feel like I have fucked up everything for everyone - affair partner hurt and upset because I didn't follow my heart, DH upset and confused and me in a mess not knowing if I can repair the fault lines in my marriage. It is the worst thing I have ever done. I should have a dressed my issues with DH and had the guts to end my marriage first.

I never ever thought I would have an affair. I'm fairly sure I want out of my marriage but actually putting my kids through all that seems hellish but it's my Fuck up so I have to deal.

It sucks.

Duckeggblues Tue 24-Sep-13 12:57:17

Just to add I am not looking for sympathy but with no one IRL to talk to it is good to be able to say somewhere that you do miss the affair partner.

I am trying to list all the things I Don't miss (planning my life around the next encounter, not being present for my kids, being glued to my phone, the insecurity of coping with jealousy over their relationship with their spouse, pressure to make a decision about my own marriage etc) but they are all about the mechanics of an affair. I miss the person desperately and I miss the laughter, companionship, being cherished and adored, the intimacy on all levels and the self esteem/ego boost I got from them. I felt alive and better about myself than I have for years before the guilt set in.

In many ways it is irrelevant now as I have to take responsibility and look at my marriage and deal with the consequences of my selfishness/poor choice in getting embroiled in the first place.

It is hard though, a good penance perhaps but I sympathise with others going through this.

Tigermax Tue 24-Sep-13 16:09:48

Oh Duckegg. I know exactly how you feel. And when you're in the thick of things it is do hard to know what is the right thing to do. I am completely stressed out and not functioning. I am sure I would feel exactly the same if I left though - doubting my judgment and decision. Yes - taking responsibility for my marriage and kids is all fine on paper, but the turmoil is unbearable. As I'm sure it would be if I left.. Hey- I've lost weight though! Yay!

Duckeggblues Tue 24-Sep-13 16:52:07

Thanks Tiger. Our situations seem similar. My relationship with DH has many flaws and I'm TRYING to look at the positives from the affair... it's gotten us to counselling (so surely that will help to either improve things or make us see that the marriage is over) and my own weight loss (altho I'd not advocate the divorce/affair diet as it also seems to cause grey hair!).

What I'm worried about is how much my judgement of my marriage is clouded by residual feelings for affair partner and also an additional sense of guilt towards DH iyswim.

I also feel like I must make a decision either way soon... But think that I'd because I am still carrying a torch (a fucking massive one) for the 3rd party. I'm further messed up as life means I can't avoid having to see 3rd party a couple of times a week even though we are NC. My legs go to jelly each time our paths cross but I know I need to stick to my guns and try to move on to look at my life.

Hard hard.

Moral of the story - affairs are awful.

Duckeggblues Tue 24-Sep-13 19:18:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tigermax Tue 24-Sep-13 19:32:48

My DH is great in so many ways but I also feel quite (emotionally) neglected. I never put demands on him when we met and now we have kids he has not changed/matured. So it's like having 3 kids. I don't feel like his equal or like I have a partner. Other than that he is so loving, energetic, adores the kids and does loads round the house. So he's a great man just with flaws like the rest of us! I too meet the OM a few times a week and it's excruciating. This feeling in itself feels like infidelity even though I' m not acting on it. So I feel dishonest to my DH just by feeling this way. Have the same thoughts as you - that I should maybe leave even if there is no one waiting for me...

Tigermax Tue 24-Sep-13 19:34:19

Duckegg- how long did your affair last and have you told your DH about it?

Duckeggblues Tue 24-Sep-13 23:21:12

Tiger I have pm'd you. X

Annabelllll Thu 26-Sep-13 21:32:16

Tigermax , duckeggblues - how r u coping ladies?

Duckeggblues Thu 26-Sep-13 21:50:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

superfanjo Thu 26-Sep-13 21:59:39

Another one here sad Two months ago I met someone who literally turned my world upside down, I know I would have left but he got cold feet and ended it. Rationally I know I had a lucky escape it would never have worked, he isnt a reliable person but I just got swept away I became someone I didn't recognise. Its so hard because I see him all the time. But I think my life would have become a nightmare if it had carried on, hugs to you, no words of wisdom though!

Duckeggblues Thu 26-Sep-13 22:25:35

... Just to add my DH not a sponger, I financially support him at the moment as he works pt and is re training/studying and I work more ft.

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