Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

We're nasty to each other constantly - advice needed please

(30 Posts)
SheldorAFK Mon 23-Sep-13 10:59:33

I have NC'd for this post.

Husband and I have two children, dd (21months) and ds (7 weeks old).

Since ds was born things between s have go incredibly bad, to the point where we argue and fight more than we're not. We're rarely civil to each other let alone nice, and I don't think I can continue this way.

Dd has never been a good sleeper, and is up every 2 hours at best, every 45 Monday worst. Husband doesn't want to help at night and says h is happy to leave dd to cry to sleep, and ds for me to deal with. If ask for help, he becomes angry, aggressive and nasty. He called me a c*nt this morning and regularly mocks me or tells dd nasty things about me in front of me during arguments, for example "dd lets ignore mummy she's insane! She's mentally unstable!".

I do all the parenting, finances, housework, dinners, and on mat leave so will be back at work on 6 months.

I am unwell at the moment and am crying non stop at the thought of going it alone with two small children as I don't think I can carry on with livin like this.

Is there any advice you can give that will help? I've tried asking him to leave the house or go in another room when he starts becoming aggressive amd vicious to clm down, then discuss the issue but being called a c*nt a lot and bing told I am insane is starting to wear me down. I have also suggested we write own our concerns when we're angry and then discuss them, but again this hasn't worked.

We have no family to watch the children if we go to counselling, and friends are childless and have said they're of scared to look after children.

What else can we do?

Staying for financial reasons is no good reason at all to stay either.

I also asked you what you got from this relationship now, you left that question unanswered. I can only guess why but I could also assume that you left it unanswered because you really get nothing at all from this relationship now.

You and he should not be together; a toxic household will damage your children as well. What do you want to teach them about relationships, surely not this awful role model?.

MissDD1971 Mon 23-Sep-13 13:42:59

Pay to get someone to look after the kids.

It does sound like abuse but maybe Relate could help first.

It seems that for some reason he thinks raising children is women's work. He obviously thinks that because he works all day he should have time off. Does he realise that you are also working hard and you also need some time to yourself? or does he realise this but instead of offering to help creates an argument so he can justify to himself why he isn't helping you?

I suspect that in his head he would like to show off his family "look what I have, look what I have achieved" when in actual fact all he has done is to continue his bachelor lifestyle of working and having lads time after hours. Wouldn't you like to also only work 40 hrs and then have time off? I bet you would. But raising a family and keeping a home isn't conducive with this.

He needs to grow up and realise that having a family is hard work and it is his work too, not just yours. It means making compromises and giving up some "me" time.

Meerka Mon 23-Sep-13 14:23:36

Oh good grief this is awful. Not least what sort of example is this for the children? You want your son to grow up thinking this is ok behaviour to a woman or your daughter thinking this is normally how men behave? Please, go and read the thread on People Who Stayed Together for the Children!!

Please, this is not right and you need help to either get out, or get him out.

And yes, get external advice - Women's Aid, solicitor or the police. This is not normal behaviour and grabbing your child off you is worrying in the context of the appalling language and attitude he shows.

being nice some of the time doesnt count. A person shows what their real char when they're angry and I'm afraid your husband comes out of it very badly.

bb99 Mon 23-Sep-13 14:24:51

OP financially he would need to contribute to the kids.

Don't get stuck in the loop of mortgage, kids love him and occasionally he actually does the bare minimum. It won't change IME. My DH is still a dick. Had an amazingly lovely summer (while he was working away 5 days and nights a week) now he's back home working and it's the same sorry story. My DH just can't (chooses not to) cope with family life and work. And obviously it's all my fault because I am such a...ahem, won't go into details. It's all ok so long as I am running everything but his job, but as soon as I need a bit of help, say if I'm under the weather, the wheels fall off and the shouting starts. I am terrified of the financial implications of separating as I foolishly gave up my career for this, ha ha ha.

I would say the kids adjust better when they are young. Being not good at relationships I left my first partner when DC1 was 2 years ld and it seems to have worked out ok (except for DH...)

Think about what you want from life for you and DCs and find out about the finances, then you will be in a better position to decide.

Good luck again!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now