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We're nasty to each other constantly - advice needed please

(30 Posts)
SheldorAFK Mon 23-Sep-13 10:59:33

I have NC'd for this post.

Husband and I have two children, dd (21months) and ds (7 weeks old).

Since ds was born things between s have go incredibly bad, to the point where we argue and fight more than we're not. We're rarely civil to each other let alone nice, and I don't think I can continue this way.

Dd has never been a good sleeper, and is up every 2 hours at best, every 45 Monday worst. Husband doesn't want to help at night and says h is happy to leave dd to cry to sleep, and ds for me to deal with. If ask for help, he becomes angry, aggressive and nasty. He called me a c*nt this morning and regularly mocks me or tells dd nasty things about me in front of me during arguments, for example "dd lets ignore mummy she's insane! She's mentally unstable!".

I do all the parenting, finances, housework, dinners, and on mat leave so will be back at work on 6 months.

I am unwell at the moment and am crying non stop at the thought of going it alone with two small children as I don't think I can carry on with livin like this.

Is there any advice you can give that will help? I've tried asking him to leave the house or go in another room when he starts becoming aggressive amd vicious to clm down, then discuss the issue but being called a c*nt a lot and bing told I am insane is starting to wear me down. I have also suggested we write own our concerns when we're angry and then discuss them, but again this hasn't worked.

We have no family to watch the children if we go to counselling, and friends are childless and have said they're of scared to look after children.

What else can we do?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 23-Sep-13 11:09:53

Tell him to leave again rather than tolerate this appalling behaviour. Not for a few hours, for a few weeks or even permanently. You need time to think and that's impossible if someone's in your face. It's no good for you being in a house with such an abusive, bullying person, it's not good for your children and, since you're doing everything anyway, you'll hardly be worse off. You need support, love and kindness. Not abuse.

You can't reason with an unreasonable person so ideas like writing down concerns are useless. It's also very unwise to enter counselling with a bully or abusive person as they will simply use it as another opportunity to bully.

You need family and friends. Not to watch the children but people you can be with and talk to honestly. Good luck

Twinklestein Mon 23-Sep-13 11:11:07

Call Women's Aid and get out. You cannot have this abusive man round your kids. Calling you a 'c*nt' in front of the children? Telling your child you're mad? Being aggressive if you ask for help? I don't see how you can be civil to a man who behaves like that.

Do not go to counselling with him. You need counselling on your own.

Can you call on friends for support for yourself, even if they feel they can't help with the kids?

SheldorAFK Mon 23-Sep-13 11:16:13

cogito I honestly don't thinking could cope on my own, ds cries a lot and needs to be held all the time, and dd has started to feel neglected and wants to be cuddled all the time, which just isn't possible with a newborn.

I feel frazzled and alone and unable to cope. Have no family to help and have a few close friends, but none that are willing to come round or help

When we're not arguing or angry at each other, we have/had a good relationship, but since ds was born I really can't remember a time we weren't in the middle of a fight or starting a new one.

Most days I "wake up" (rarely sleep anymore with toddler crying and ds feeding) and try to remember if we're on speaking terms or not. Writing that makes me feel sad.

What can I do?

SheldorAFK Mon 23-Sep-13 11:19:26

twinkle he usually calls me a c*nt when the children aren't around, but has said it in front of them too. This morning dd was scare at him screaming at me and was clinging onto me, and he was shouting "no! No mummy cuddles!" And pulling her away from me while I was pulling her too me, breastfeeding ds and dd was hysterically crying trying to reach out for me.

When he's calmed down he apologises. But it's always the same.

We love each ther, and when he's not like this he's a good father, but he's tired, hungry or felt he hasn't had enough "him time" watchin sports or on his computer, it takes by little for these arguments to happen.

Leverette Mon 23-Sep-13 11:20:54

Get him out. He's a nasty, hostile bully.
See your health visitor urgently for help in addressing your DCs sleep issues and getting more positive input for you in your life.
flowers

Dahlen Mon 23-Sep-13 11:23:05

You say you don't think you could cope on your own, but you already are. You're doing everything already. The only difference being on your own would make is that the poisonous atmosphere you're in would disappear.

I'd hazard a guess that without this toxic relationship dragging you down, you'll find both DC a lot easier to manage. I'd also be completely unsurprised if both children started sleeping better, too. Pre-verbal children are incredibly sensitive to picking up emotions, and your H's aggression and your unhappiness will be contributing to the poor sleep and clingy behaviour.

What's the legal/financial situation regarding the house, etc?

lemonstartree Mon 23-Sep-13 11:23:23

We are nasty to each other constantly

No AFAICS HE is nasty to YOU , very nasty indeed. Is this what he thinks is normal ? is this how he wants it to be ? is he prepared to try and change things ? because if not, what, exactly, is the point ?

I think you will feel much calmer with him out of the house.
I also think your children will be much more relaxed and happy out of this toxic environment.
You will amazed how you will cope.
He sounds useless anyway.
And he is ABUSING you!
Calling you names and calling you mental and trying to turn your DD against you. Big, fat, flying red flags there!
Tell him to leave while you get some head space and time away from him.
Listen to Cogito she is always right!!!
You can and you will cope and in fact you'll find it much easier.

He's an abusive bully. By saying "mummy is insane" he clearly would like to think he has the power to make you quite literally go insane. He probably feels justified in thinking this way because he feels that you should be able to manage everything alone, when you fail and need help it just proves his point in his warped mind. He is undermining you, the fact that having two children under 3yrs is very hard work passes him by because he would never admit that he could do more. To admit that he should do more to help you means he would have to shoulder some responsibility.

Do you think he panics and feels overwhelmed by all the demands of work, house, crying baby? I bet he does. However I bet you do too but much more so because you are being actively demoralised and undermined. Perhaps he feel tired and stressed? I bet he probably does but I bet you are more so because you are under the extra stress of walking on egg shells around this selfish man child.

Counselling may help but I would suggest he is the one in need a counselling and you need a break and some down time.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 23-Sep-13 11:29:10

I understand that you think you can't cope alone but you are certainly not coping with him there. You sound ground down, frightened, upset, nervous, your self-confidence is on its arse, you're exhausted and the reason for all that is standing there calling you a cunt... hmm Almost every abuse victim says they have a nice relationship when they aren't being shouted at when they're actually confusing 'cessation of abuse' with 'kindness'.

Send him away and I am willing to bet your DS will be calmer, more settled, and your DD won't need so much attention. Small children pick up on a bad atmosphere and his behaviour is creating that atmosphere.

Womens Aid is a very good idea.

HenriettaPye Mon 23-Sep-13 11:37:26

He wouldn't let your child cuddle you?sad He's a nasty abusive piece of shit! You deserve so much better and so do your children. Surely you don't want your children growing up around this?

FavoriteThings Mon 23-Sep-13 11:45:06

Can you move in with your family for a few months? You need physical help. Not sleeping is a killer to all sorts of things.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

As for not being able to manage without him, I think you would all do a darn sight better without him being around. You're doing everything as it is.

No, he is patently not a good father if he treats you their mother like this. There is no excuse or justification for his actions. Women often write the good father comment also when they themselves have nothing positive to write about their man.

You and he should not be together; you and your children are being damaged by living with him.

Please call Womens Aid, they can and will help you here.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Mon 23-Sep-13 12:21:29

Hi OP. Your partner is a cunt, and an increasingly dangerous one.

It's the fact that he not only abuses you in front of the children, but is willing to use physical force on your DD TO DELIBERATELY DISTRESS YOU.

What next? Slapping? Punching? Strangling? Either get him out or run. You are all in danger.

lalalonglegs Mon 23-Sep-13 12:30:21

You seem to be doing most of this on your own anyway so I think you would be a lot better off without having the tension he creates at home. It sounds horrible.

I do think that you are very worn down by exhaustion - you haven't had a decent night's sleep in almost two years. Your husband may have a point that your daughter needs to learn to sleep through (for her sake as well as yours) - letting her cry it out isn't for everyone but I would urge you to address her sleep. Once you have solved that - and with some distance from your husband - I think you will be surprised by what you can manage.

Good luck smile.

VenusDeWillendorf Mon 23-Sep-13 12:30:50

Call the police and get a barring order.
He's abusive.

You are ALL in danger of death.

Wake up girl!

SomethingOnce Mon 23-Sep-13 12:31:21

I'm sure you would cope admirably on your own, out of this stressful situation.

It's bad for you and it's very bad for your children. I think you should ask him to leave.

bb99 Mon 23-Sep-13 12:32:23

Hello

I don't think he'll change, but I do think other things will change - your son won't always be a newborn who doesn't do sleeping, your daughter will also grow and be less needy (possibly especially if you have a calmer environment) and as you are already coping, despite your partner's best efforts, you will always be able to cope and will get better and better at coping.

Remember YOU are NOT CRAZY. My DH says this when he's being unreasonable, it's a good power tool, to try and undermine the other person.

As I said, I don't think he'll change, at least not for the better. I wish you luck and wisdom. It's such a hard decision to make, especially when you are in the middle of it. 6 years after my DH finished morphing into a dick, I am still unsure what to do. Hopefully you'll sort things out a bit quicker. It doesn't change IME! Good Luck!

I don't think we can accurately predict whether OP is in that much danger.

SheldorAFK Mon 23-Sep-13 13:11:52

Thank you all. I am doing most things on my own, but financially I couldn't coupe withut his income - same with him. We need both incomes to pay the mortgage. We're in negative equity as it is and paying interest only, so with just my income, I couldn't afford to put both dc into nursery in order to go to work to any the mortgage and bills on my own.

I also feel like I couldn't cope with life on my own. He does sometimes make dinners and is an extra pair of hands when I need a quick shower etc.

He also does love the children, and the toddler talks about him constantly when he's not home for her bedtime because he's out drinking with his friends.

We also used to be each others best friend, we used to be so close but it's got so bad now that we can barely be in the same room as each other without an argument.

Also, I'm not perfect, I get overly tired and snap. He also accuses me of nagging him and says he never gets enough time to himself.

BarbarianMum Mon 23-Sep-13 13:22:12

Nothing in you post makes it sound like he loves you, or respects you or has any concerns for you at all tbh. Nor does he sound like a good father. Sorry sad he sounds really selfish 'he never gets enough time for himself ffs'

You sound like a single parent right now tbh. Was he very hands on when you were at work or did you do everything then too?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 23-Sep-13 13:25:19

I'm not perfect? He lets you have a shower? Add 'he's kind to animals' to that list and you can shout 'house' in the abuse victim justification for sticking around game.

This is about self-respect, safety, peace of mind and confidence. With him under the same roof you have none of those things. All that stuff about mortgages dinners and toddlers loving him are just objections masking the truth which is that your confidence is so shattered by his behaviour that you don't think you deserve to be happy.

Yorkieaddict Mon 23-Sep-13 13:30:40

You have several months until you need to go back to work. I know it is easy for us to say, but I really think if you could separate, even temporarily, you might feel so much more able to cope without him sapping your energy constantly. You would at least have chance to think clearly then, and decide what you actually want. He sounds appalling!

captainmummy Mon 23-Sep-13 13:34:05

He doesn't get enough time to himself? Whereas you get absolutely loads !!!!

You are backtracking now, telling us how nice he is letting you have a shower, occassionally cooking a meal. These are things that he should be doing anyway, this is not him being nice.
You could SO cope on your own.

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