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Please help! I'm admitting defeat now. It's won!

(82 Posts)
BimboJimbo Mon 23-Sep-13 08:53:05

I've been suffering with anxiety and panic attacks for a year but now it's crippling me.
It's taken over. I can't fight it anymore.
Im sitting here dizzy and faint, don't feel like I'm in reality. I can't go out. I have no energy.
This has won.
I can't see a way of getting out of this.
I think I need help! Im going mad aren't I?
No one here to help!
I have two DC to look after!

yegodsandlittlefishes Mon 23-Sep-13 12:05:56

It doesn't sound as though you should be driving, no. Whether you have your DC with you or not, your own life is potentially in danger if you lose control, as well as other road users. Is there any other way he could get home? Could he not drive himself to work (and home) from now on?

It sounds as though cognitive behavioural therapy would help, and anti depressants for a while.

TheBakeryQueen Mon 23-Sep-13 12:56:56

Oh sweetheart it sounds like you're having a really tough time.

I put money on your 'relationship' being the main factor in all of this.

He sounds vile.

Can you take your kids & stay with a relative for a break to have a think, and a rest?

BimboJimbo Mon 23-Sep-13 13:11:34

I was thinking of going to stay with my mum but I don't want to be a burden as parents both work full time. I feel so alone and count down the hours until DH is home but lately him being here does not make me feel better. I still feel totally alone. I'm struggling so much today with it all. I feel more depressed than anxious now. Trying so hard to keep it together and not fall down a huge black hole but it's hard. I might just wait for DH to call and see if he can get a lift home.

BimboJimbo Mon 23-Sep-13 15:32:57

DH got a lift home. Told him I couldn't drive today. He's asked if I'm ok. Told him I'm struggling. He said it's probably because I'm tired!
I'm off to GP tomorrow. Hopefully they can give me something else.
Thank you for all your replies! You really helped me get through this morning, and not completely give in to this.

yegodsandlittlefishes Mon 23-Sep-13 23:11:48

Well done! flowers Well done to your DH for asking if you're ok - it's a start!

You're doing the best you can, and you made a good choice not to drive. Glad you have got an appointment with the doctor. Ask the doctor if there are any lifestyle changes you could make to help, as well as medicine they could prescribe. Ask about counselling too (cognitive behavioural therapy).

BimboJimbo Tue 24-Sep-13 15:59:11

Couldn't get an appointment. It's useless at my doctors. Gonna try again tomorrow. Feeling slightly better today. Probably as DH has two days off so I'm not alone. He still not fun to be around but I told him I'm feeling so lonely and anxious. I just need someone to talk to. We moved up here and my family is an hours drive away. I have no friends. I'm just sick of being alone now when he is at work. I'm really not confident when I'm out to make more friends. I know I just need to push myself and get out there again. I've lost everybody and just feel so invisible. I would love to just have a mummy friend to even just go for a coffee once in a while. Thank you for your reply

Hi Bimbo, I'm glad you're feeling a bit better and I'm sorry you couldn't get an appointment. Keep trying though, you need to convince them how low you are.

Can you ask your DH for help but in a non confrontational way? So, while you're feeding the kids, and therefore you're busy, can he empty the bins/wash up those few things/take the washing upstairs. Just little jobs that he might not mind doing but he's still helping you out. Then hopefully you won't have to deal with the stress of him reacting to thinking he had loads to do? Can you allow plenty of time to pick him up, so you can pull over and calm yourself down if you need to? Or do you think your attacks are of a nature that you won't be able to carry on?
Can I ask where you are OP? Just in case we're close enough for coffee? smile

BimboJimbo Tue 24-Sep-13 19:12:49

Jamjar thank you for your suggestions. I will try and leave earlier next time to pick him up. Thing is I'm already wound up before I get into the car. He is working late shifts for a week now so he will take the car as I don't need it. Once I'm fully in an attack it's extremely hard to get out of it and they can last on and off all day. I can semi control them when I'm around people, and just put a smile on and carry on. It's when I'm alone that I just let them take over. Then my mind is running all day with bad thoughts.
I'm in Buckinghamshire smile

MadBusLady Tue 24-Sep-13 19:22:13

Is it typical for him to call you a cunt and similar names? How often do you feel you are policing what you say around him so as not to prompt the wrong reaction?

Have you talked about him doing a bit more housework and work with the children, and what does he say to this?

You say your mum also had anxiety - what was your dad like?

BigArea Tue 24-Sep-13 19:37:38

Hi OP, having suffered anxiety and depression in the past I think you ought to be asking for an emergency appt tomorrow. I benefitted from a quadruple pronged attack of ADs, beta blockers, sleeping tablets and CBT - I was able to have 12 sessions for free. Ask what is available in your area and get booked in ASAP - there may be a waiting list. Sorry you are feeling like this and I hope your DH is able to be more supportive.

BimboJimbo Tue 24-Sep-13 19:39:06

Yes it's typical. Really nice one minute, horrible the next. I suppose it started 3 years ago when DD was born. She was premature and he kind of started controlling who I saw and who saw DD. He even used to argue with me if I saw my mum a lot. That has stopped now but I still feel I can't say certain things. If I do say something he doesn't like, he will just leave. If things get too much with the DC, he will also just leave me to it. He says sorry after but nothing changes. Said today he was trying to think of a way I could have a break. Nothing ever came of it as usual.

BimboJimbo Tue 24-Sep-13 19:44:17

BigArea, I'm going to ask for an emergency appointment in the morning. I just struggle when I'm in there and always hide how I'm really feeling. I just lie and say I'm ok. But I cannot carry on like this so will just tell GP everything. Did you find CBT helped? I will ask about this also.

MadBusLady Tue 24-Sep-13 20:31:45

Right.

I have very good news for you, in a sense.

Your anxiety is almost certainly easily curable and down to one problem, and that problem is that you are living with a nasty controlling emotional abuser who has you walking on eggshells, isolates you from friends and family and generally crushes your spirit. None of this is your fault, it's just what he's like. I'm not surprised to hear it started when DD came along. Abusive men often escalate once children are in the picture because the woman isn't as free to walk away.

The bad news is obviously that recognising all this and deciding what you're going to do about it is tough.

I suggest you ask for your thread to be moved to Relationships.

BimboJimbo Wed 25-Sep-13 07:56:26

How do I get it moved?
I feel it's got to the point of I'm just living his life now. I follow in his footsteps. I don't have a life of my own at all now. Have no friends whatsoever. I just don't see how it will ever change. I've got so sucked in, that when he is not here I'm anxious. Clinging on to him as I have nobody else. I have no where to go if I leave. And how can I just get up and go? I used to be so independent. Now I just spend my days sat at home alone with the DC

MadBusLady Wed 25-Sep-13 08:12:09

Click on Report next to your original post, a text box will come up.

And don't worry too much about long term decisions right now. All you're doing is exploring the problem, you don't have to climb the whole mountain at once smile

BimboJimbo Wed 25-Sep-13 08:20:01

Thank you buslady. That's the thing, I let my mind race ahead. I need to slow down.

Hi Bimbo, I'm in Essex, so not much help to you I'm afraid. Do you have any toddler groups you can go to? Our one is lovely, I was really nervous about going but the volunteers are fantastic. Maybe just going once a week will be enough to get you out of the house and give you a little independence (to get you started! wink )

BimboJimbo Wed 25-Sep-13 08:31:51

I have been looking for groups but I just don't think I could push myself to go to one. My three year old DD is being extremely bossy and demanding at the moment and I worry that I'm not doing a good job and other mums will judge me. I have zero confidence. I am trying to find DD a pre school place as I know she needs to burn of some of her mountains of energy and I think she needs it now. I was thinking of trying going for lunch or something with both DC first. If all goes smoothly, move on to more things.
I sound like a useless mother don't I?

FTRsMammy Wed 25-Sep-13 08:33:59

Hi sorry to hear you're having such a crap time. I suffered from panic attacks as a symptom if PND, I had some CBT and the psychologist taught me a good trick for getting through an attack.
Focus on a rectangular object such as a window or door, run your eyes along the short edge while taking a deep breath in and slowly let the breath out while running your eyes along the long edge.
Look into some local toddler groups if your DC are young enough, if they're at school is there a hobby you have that you could join a local club, you'll find that there are other people in a similar situation to you. Look for your area in the mumsnet local pages too and see if there's any get togethers going on.
With regards to your DP, write down exactly what you're feeling and what's going on and get him to read it on his own when you're not around. Men tend to be very defensive so talking face to face he might not hear what you're telling him because he'll jump on the defensive without really listening to you.
Good luck and I read hope things get better for you

BimboJimbo Wed 25-Sep-13 08:37:19

Thank you FTR.

You're not a bad mum, you came on here asking for help, that's brilliant!

Seriously, just try a group. You only have to stay for half an hour if you want, it's a brilliant way to meet people, and for your DD to burn off some energy. You can just sit there if you want, you don't have to talk to anyone until you get the lay of the land. Our one has a couple of volunteers, and their only job is to talk to the mums who look a bit lonely! I think that's lovely! And trust me, there will always be another mum who's kid is playing up. ALWAYS! Just last week we had a kid who kept going in the storage cupboard and another one who was climbing on the tables. Plus the two who were clinging to their mum, she couldn't have a cup of tea in peace. And the little girl who doesn't want her mum to leave the room, it results in a meltdown. So I think you'll be fine. If DD misbehaves, tell her off or take her away.

I really think this could be good for both of you, but it has to be up to you. I would say as long as you discipline you child if they do something wrong, and apologise if she upsets another kid, you'll be fine!

Have a think about it. You are doing your best by your kids so you can't be that bad a mum! smile

TheBakeryQueen Wed 25-Sep-13 10:23:09

Hi bimbojimbo, your 3 year old sounds like a typical 3 year old! Please don't let that put you off going to toddler groups.

I know it's hard but just that one little step towards meeting new people & not feeling so alone will work wonders. You haven't got anything to lose.

Maybe at least have a research of what's on in your area? Explain to the organisers that you're new to the area & don't know anyone.

You need to get your strength back.

I'm sorry that you're in such a crap relationship. It's undoubtedly the cause of your anxiety. He's got you where he wants you! You need to start making steps towards getting the confidence to leave him (or make him leave).

Definitely push for an urgent gp appointment or get one through our of hrs.

Medication might help you with the anxiety so you can get a handle on things.

I think it's a good idea to look for the free 15hrs nursery or preschool place for your little girl. It'll be good for her & you might meet some mums! smile

BigArea Wed 25-Sep-13 11:25:25

Hi Jimbo, just a quick note as I am at work - yes CBT did help, I went from thinking I was completely crap as a mum and a person to realising that I was in fact ok. I started to judge myself as I would judge one of my friends, ie be kind to myself and give myself a break. Really helped.

Re the docs I know what you mean - I'd suggest writing a list of bullet points which you can either talk through or even just hand to the doctor if you can't speak at the time. Is there anyone who can go with you or at least have DCs while you go?

BimboJimbo Wed 25-Sep-13 13:22:15

Just got a place at pre school for DD! I emailed them this morning and they have places. So that's a start. Hopefully meet people from my area. Still no appointment. It's been busy everytime I call. My surgery is pointless, I can never get to see a doctor. I'm still trying though. We have all been out this morning and I was ok, now back at home, keep thinking about DH going back to work tomorrow. I'm going to be on my own doing tea and bedtime with two energetic children. Im making my self anxious already! How can it be this hard to put the thoughts out of head! Just be normal again?! I need to Stop being so stupid!

BimboJimbo Wed 25-Sep-13 13:24:36

So I finally get through to docs to a recorded message saying it's closed until tomorrow morning sad.
I think ill have to go into the surgery in the morning before DH goes and just demand an appointment

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