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DH has said he wants a divorce

(74 Posts)
NeverHadANickname Mon 23-Sep-13 08:44:52

DH got very drunk at a family event and after being with another woman all night rather than talking to me and her all over him a couple of family members told him he was out of order. While still drunk he told me none of my family like him (which is not true, they were just looking out for me) and the easiest way for him to deal with that was for us to get a divorce. I thought he'd realise it was stupid the next morning but he said the same thing although he to me still looked a bit drunk. Once he'd slept some more we spent the afternoon together as planned watching films on the settee with nibbles. Before I went to bed I told him I loved him and after a few seconds thought he said it too.

I don't know if he's just going along with the situation for now or if he is genuinely trying to see how things go. I suggested couples counselling but he's not much of a talker anyway. He said I make him feel small sometimes which I don't mean to do but I snap at him sometimes if he does something wrong which to me would be common sense.

I'm back at work this morning with him still at home, he's at work tomorrow and I've cried all morning because I didn't want to come to work. Will he be there when I get back? Should I have stayed at home to talk to him? He does like time on his own though so maybe if we get into the swing of life how it normally is he'll realise it's worth working hard for?

I've probably missed loads out I should have said so as not to drip feed but I don't know how I'm going to get through today. I don't want to tell anyone in real life what's going on and I can't really go home from work now, I have loads to do. I might go home at dinner time. I might not get chance to reply until dinner time or tonight so thanks for any replys, I really just wanted to get it out, and sorry for any spelling mistakes.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 23-Sep-13 08:49:39

I'd call his bluff. Get the suitcases out, ask him where he wants his mail sent, say 'it's been nice knowing you' etc. Take him absolutely on fae value. He threatened divorce knowing it would rattle you into not calling him out on being all over some other woman and making you look foolish.... and right now it's working like a charm. Rather than being angry with him you're sobbing in the office. So turn the tables, call his bluff, and if he walks out and never comes back... his loss.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 23-Sep-13 08:50:59

BTW. The movie and nibbles part. Why on earth would you say 'I love you' to an embarrassing, offensive pisshead...

NeverHadANickname Mon 23-Sep-13 08:56:35

It's weird seeing it from that point of view. I suppose I was angry at him because he didn't just walk away from her if he thought it would upset me but I'm not normally jealous and he said he didn't think he was doing anything wrong by talking to her, he didn't realise she was flirting with him etc. but he should have realised all of that and should have spent the time with me. We never have time off together and he chose to talk to some random woman all night instead of me. I think I'm going back to being angry now.

I think what shocked me most is that I didn't think people would just say 'I think we should get a divorce', I though it'd be a case of explaining somethings not right in a relationship, trying to work through it and if it doesn't work then talking about divorces (except obviously with violence which there isn't here). I think I was taken aback with that so automatically tried to sort it out.

LondonNinja Mon 23-Sep-13 08:59:38

Do what Cog says. Get the cases out.

Agree with Cogito. I really do.

That's not a very nice way to behave, however he's feeling hmm
Poor you. But don't get all weepy about it. Call his bluff!

summerbreezer Mon 23-Sep-13 09:05:19

Most people would not say "I think we should get a divorce" without warning. It's a really shitty, manipulative thing to do intended to provoke exactly this outcome.

What Cog says. Call him on it and get him out. Either he will realise he wants you and decide to work on it (and not say stuff like that again) or you will be well shot of him.

AlfalfaMum Mon 23-Sep-13 09:05:29

How long have you been together, do you have dc?

I'm sorry to say, I think he sounds like an arse, throwing his toys out of the pram because he's been called up on unreasonable behaviour.

What did he do with the woman, just talk or what?

NeverHadANickname Mon 23-Sep-13 09:09:49

Been together 12 years, no DC.

There was couple of times (toilet breaks etc) where I didn't know where he was but they were sat together in public talking. She was jiggling round dancing in a low cut top in front of him sometimes if there was music on, he just kept talking oblivious. I don't think he'd cheat (famous last words) but it's more the complete disregard of my feelings on it. I thought we'd just talk the next morning, me tell him he was out of order, him realise he'd been an idiot and that would be that.

4posterbed Mon 23-Sep-13 09:27:56

It' all one way isn't it? His way. Cannot for the life of me think why you'd even be interested in staying in a marriage with a insensitive, embarrassing, disrespectful drunk. You must have serious self esteem issues. You sound absolutely lovely, caring, kind and yet have a self destruct button when it comes to your dh and his heinous effect on your mental health.

NeverHadANickname Mon 23-Sep-13 09:35:41

He's not always nice when he's drunk but he only drinks to excess about twice a year and normally with his friends. He gets it into his head that the whole worlds against him.

Normally he's brilliant and I love him so much. I think because we got together young I'd be lost without him.

I'd be lost without him you wouldn't. You just feel like you would.

He's not always nice when he's drunk call me a cynic but that says a lot for me about a person and their worse sides.

the complete disregard of my feelings on it it was inappropriate & he/you/everyone knows it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 23-Sep-13 09:50:23

Staying together with someone just because you find the idea of going solo daunting is a really crappy reason ... trust me, I've been there. How bad does his behaviour have to get and how much does he have to insult you before you'd actually pack his bags? The answer is very sad. It will never be bad enough because you just absorb it all, let your self-respect die a bit more, excuse it as 'normally he's brilliant', rationalise why being single is dreadful... and the can gets kicked a bit further down the road.

So I still say 'call his bluff'. See if he's as bothered about losing you as you seem to be about losing him. I seriously doubt it.

You sound absolutely lovely, caring, kind and yet have a self destruct button when it comes to your dh and his heinous effect on your mental health I second that. You sound wasted on him to be honest and I'd bet he knows how you feel and how unlikely you are to do anything about his behaviour (not meant as a criticism btw, just that I think he's well aware of how he can behave).

Damnautocorrect Mon 23-Sep-13 09:53:29

Hardest thing in the world is to follow cogs advice, but she's right. A short sharp shock would work on two counts, one if he's really going he goes I doubt he is or secondly shoots a very clear message his behaviour was awful and should not be repeated

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Mon 23-Sep-13 09:53:31

'We never have time off together' doesn't fit well with 'normally he's brilliant'. I can see you're afraid of the unknown, ie what would happen if you split, and he is playing on that as has been said here.

What else does he do for you that's nice, that makes you feel loved? And what else does he do that's not, and that you don't like but go along with because he 'thinks the whole world's against him'...

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 23-Sep-13 09:56:01

Do you realise that, at no point in anything you've written, do you mention an apology from him?

I doubt he's sorry.

4posterbed Mon 23-Sep-13 10:13:39

Love it when ops post on here woeful tales of their mentally and/or physically cruel dps/dhs but as soon as posters reply trying to help the ops then get very defensive about how fabulous their dps/dhs are!

Carry on then OP. For what it's worth, everyone has a charming side, it's their dark side I would worry about even if it revealed itself only once or twice a year.

He certainly has you just where you want and you are sufficiently under his control to be deluded enough to think he loves, care, and respects you as you do him.

Oh dear, no one really can help you op as you are making excuses for him and probably you could never leave him as that would make your life far worse right?

AnyFucker Mon 23-Sep-13 10:15:59

He publically humiliated you. Game over for me. You should not let anyone treat you like that.

Dahlen Mon 23-Sep-13 10:25:46

No one likes facing up to the idea that their marriage might be over. If you're struggling with that, try thinking of things as drastic steps you can take to improve your marriage. If you want to stay together and be happy (as opposed to feeling like you do now most of the time), your H needs to know that he has to behave better. To that end, calling his bluff now and chucking him out would be the best course of action you could take, even if you don't really mean it - just don't let him know that.

catameringue Mon 23-Sep-13 10:27:49

Op,
If someone threatens divorce you can't go round grovelling, or pretending everything is ok. Think what that does. He would learn that every time he rocks the boat you crawl around at his feet, too scared to challenge it. That behaviour will destroy you.

He has either said the d word because that's how he does feel but didn't have the gall to say it when sober, or he's said it to emotionally manipulate you. Either way it must be explored. It is incredibly manipulative and damaging for a partner to threaten to pull the plug if they don't mean it. And consider this - you got upset at his poor behaviour, so he pulls the ace out, the d word, and lo he wins the battle. Does he often use emotional attacks when he is defensive? Does he often say something worse or hurtful about you when you are raising an issue with him?

NeverHadANickname Mon 23-Sep-13 10:51:19

I'm not meaning to sound defensive but this behaviour isn't normal for him. He never says anything hurtful to me. It might sound like I'm trying to make him sound better but I'm not I'm just trying to respond honestly. I did wonder if he had been thinking it for a while and just got the courage to say it. If thats the case telling him to leave will show me won't it.

4posterbed I imagine your trying to help me so thank you but I found your post patronising and hurtful. It has been hard reading some of this but that's why I posted, to see it from another point of view and I am taking it all on board. If its the end of my marriage yet or nt I don't know.

LessMissAbs Mon 23-Sep-13 10:59:10

If he likes spending time on his own, why did he spend all night talking to another woman? If he does so at a family event to the extend that other people are calling him up on it, it probably does indicate his behaviour is quite bad. No-one on here knows what has gone on before in your marriage, but he has shown deeply disrespectful behaviour to you. I cannot believe how much you run around after him, trying to make him feel better. Try ignoring him for a few days and giving him a taste of his own medicine. He also sounds like a drama queen. It doesn't matter if he says anything hurtful to you, his very behaviour is hurtful, which is worse.

AnyFucker Mon 23-Sep-13 11:01:30

I don't understand why you allowed him to pretend nothing had happened the evening before and actually went along with that totally false cosy afternoon together. It is surreal.

And still you are waiting for his word as to what will happen

Are you always so utterly passive ?

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