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I've made a decision

(59 Posts)
PTFsWife Sun 22-Sep-13 17:56:51

I am going to turn his affair into the best thing that ever happened to our relationship. If he hadn't had his affair, I am sure that we would have continued our non- communicative relationship until the kids left home and then stared at each other over cold toast and thought: why the fuck am I still here?

It is still early days. We have about a billion hurdles to jump, but I know that I do not want to be a divorce statistic. We used to love each other. I believe we can again.

So to all those women out there being told to LTB, before you do, think about whether it isn't worth giving your best to fix it first. I may well be back in months or years saying that I tried and failed. But I am not going to walk out on my vows without a fight. The fact that he wants to fight for us to will make it easier.

I am posting this purely so that I feel as though I am shouting my intention to the world. Keeping it to myself seems quiet and easier to escape from later.

Zoe678 Sun 22-Sep-13 18:00:27

Nothing wrong with being a divorce statistic!

I'm so glad I made the decision not to try not to 'fail' because 'failing' is open to interpretation.

But I wish you luck, strength and contentment. Cos it aint easy. wine

Dahlen Sun 22-Sep-13 18:07:55

PTFsWife - if your H is saying exactly the same thing as you and means it, good for you. I wish you every success going.

If he's anything less than 100% genuine, you will end up a shadow of your former self. It may only take one person to trash a marriage, but it takes two to fix it.

Zoe678 Sun 22-Sep-13 18:08:51

Ps, I didn't leave because people told me too.

Other people's perspectives merely opened my eyes to the fact that I had the right to identify my own needs. It took strength to leave. It wasn't 'weakness' that made me give in.

I feel there is a bit of cognitive dissonance in your post. You feel that other women who left with good reason gave up to easily, and if you had any doubts about staying then this belief would be helpful to you. But it's a form of denial. Don't worry about what other women do. Don't concern yourself with being a statistic. There's no medal handed out for staying married.

PTFO Sun 22-Sep-13 18:14:53

I hope it works out for you. I really mean that it takes a strong person.

I hope you don't have sleepless night wondering where he is, who he's with and if he's being faithful. Wondering what that last text message said and who it was from.

I hope you don't come to regret trying to " turn his affair into the best thing that ever happened to our relationship"

I understand that you have to TRY and fix it at least not for yourself then the kids, then you know you did everything you could to hold it all together but what if you do manage to hold it all together then your sat there one day eating cold toast and wondering why you did...all those years.

Would your dh view an affair that YOU had in that light? What would your kids want for you?

voddiekeepsmesane Sun 22-Sep-13 20:04:34

Good for you PTFsWife . I am 8 months on from finding out about affair. We both decided we wanted to try to make it work. It's hard but can be done but and it is a big but only if you are both 110% committed as Dahlen said it only takes one person to trash a marriage, but it takes two to fix it. Good luck. flowers

mammadiggingdeep Sun 22-Sep-13 20:58:23

Hope it works for you....I hope he realises how lucky he is to have you fight for it. Neither path is easier than the other. Women who walk aren't giving up on their vows....their husbands did that when they cheated.
Good luck.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 23-Sep-13 06:40:24

I'm sorry you blame yourself for his behaviour. I'm sorry you see it as your role to 'give your best to fix it' - when you didn't break it in the first plave. I think, if you go into any reconciliation in such a self-reproaching frame of mind, you'll find life gets worse rather than better.

Vivacia Mon 23-Sep-13 07:55:03

Good to hear from you PTF.

What actions have you seen from TF? Is he still working with the woman he had an affair with?

Vivacia Mon 23-Sep-13 07:55:41

God, and what happened with his fraudulent expenses?

EasyMark Mon 23-Sep-13 08:14:46

And how are you going to work at it?

Do you undrestand that you cant control your husband, it will always be his chose to cheat or not?

Jagdkuh Mon 23-Sep-13 08:37:56

Good luck op!

PTFsWife Mon 23-Sep-13 10:06:11

Vivacia they both kept their jobs with various penalties both financial and otherwise. He has had no contact with her. She lives abroad and works in a different office to him. The only reason he knows that she kept her job is because they are on a shared email distribution list an she is still on it. He volunteered this info to me. He is looking for a new job and has cancelled all work travel.

I have spent the last week abroad with my family to get my thoughts together. I have not seen him yet. His actions so far show me that he is committed to making this work. He does not know my intentions yet. We will be having a big chat tonight in which I will outline what I want and what I expect from him. He may be an arse and not commit to this process but I don't think he will. I think he would be willing to set fire to his testicles at this point.

For those saying that I shouldn't blame myself for this, I don't. He cheated, not me but I contributed to an unhappy marriage and am prepare to fix that part.

For those women who do choose divorce, I am not judging you. Everyone and every situation is different. But I know from my situation that it is salvageable if we both put the hard work in. I don't expect it to be easy but I am not afraid of a challenge and this is a challenge I HAVE to take

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 23-Sep-13 10:12:43

" I contributed to an unhappy marriage "

You honestly think that he screwed around because he was unhappy? hmm Is that what he's told you? You were a shit wife? Does it occur to you that it was simply opportunism? Impulsiveness? Lust? Having two women is better than one?

Worriedformyfriend Mon 23-Sep-13 10:22:38

cogito, she may have been unhappy too. He was being a shit husband.

PTFsWife Mon 23-Sep-13 10:25:38

No cognito. Why he cheated is his issue and not something I can control. What I can control is how I am in our marriage. I am sure that a bunch of you will say' well what will stop him doing it again'. I do not believe he will but I doubt my trust will ever be fully restored. I have read Shirley Glass's book and our lives as they were made his affair Far more likely to happen. but he chose to do it. That has nothing to do with me. I had similar opportunities and didn't act on them.

I expect many of you will come up with a million reasons why this will fail. But then you don't know my husband. I have to base my decisions on what I know, not the thoughts of strangers. I posted this thread in case there were any others out there also choosing to try and make it work. Hopefully we coul encourage each other when the going gets tough, as it no doubt will.

I don't like the way people like me who are willing to try and fix their marriage after a partner's affair are made to feel as though they are foolish for even considering it.

PTFsWife Mon 23-Sep-13 10:27:57

Sorry for typos. On phone. And yes I was unhappy in our marriage as we weren't communicating. I want to fix the bits I can

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 23-Sep-13 10:34:16

You're not foolish for considering it. I just find your motives confusing. Do you really think your lives 'made' this affair i.e. you created the circumstances.... or are you just relishing the prospect of having the whip-hand in a relationship with a contrite more easily controlled DH....?

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 23-Sep-13 10:39:33

I am one of those who decided to stay after my DH cheated. I have to say that its been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through (and I have suffered bereavements). I don't regret it, but I would never call it the best thing to happen to our marriage simply because it was so painful.

My advice is to remember that just because you have made the decision does not mean you can't go back on it.

Be warned that after the initial honeymoon phase, its very easy for the cheater to slowly slip back into old habits. He needs to keep working on his character flaws that led to the affair - selfishness, laziness, arrogance etc.

Worriedformyfriend Mon 23-Sep-13 10:43:49

I wish you luck. Many couples overcome an affair. I sincerely hop you both are happy. You come across as a bright, funny woman.

Upnotdown Mon 23-Sep-13 10:51:50

I kind of get where you're coming from. I take some responsibility for the state of our relationship before he chose to have an affair. It's because on the numerous occasions he came to me and said he needed affection/love/understanding/time etc, I ignored him and carried on the same, sometimes didn't stop working whilst he was choked up and trying to speak to me. He should have left though, not cheated.

His affair was 18 months long - he was trying to speak to me preceding and during the affair for about 12 months. Then he turned into stone and was vile/erratic/distant in equal measures to me. This is where I woke up and started wondering why, but I guess I knew.

His affair was the most destructive thing that either of us could have done to the relationship but what I've taken from it is valuable to me as a lesson I had to learn in life (I was selfish and refused to communicate). I did not deserve to be cheated on, but I understand his reasons.

Things are great for us now, OP, but it still hurts and we're over a year down the line. It really does take two to fix things.

Ours wasn't a typical 'cake and eat it' situation but he was having his cake and eating it nonetheless.

PTFsWife Mon 23-Sep-13 11:08:47

Incognito: He had the affair. The end. But even if he hadn't had the affair, we didn't have a happy marriage. It has taken this horrible event to make us both face up to where our marriage was headed.

My motives for trying again:
I used to love him. Still do deep down. We have just lost our way

His behaviour this year aside, I still think he has many qualities that I would look for in a future partner andi think it would be hard to find someone who comes close (and I know that sounds bizarre given what he has done)

We have children. I want them raised by both their parents in the same house - not because its our duty, but because I want to show them what a happy family can be. Working through difficulties in a marriage is very hard. But i believe divorce is harder for everyone.

I took marriage vows that said 'for better or worse'. They didn't say: when the going gets tough, get out. This is 'the worse' bit. If I try and fail, at least I know that I have tried.

I don't expect you to understand. I am going to stop trying to explain myself now because no matter what I say, someone will argue against it. No doubt I will face these same kind of arguments in real life.

Madabouthotschoc - good advice re him not slipping back into those ways

Thank you Worried. X
Upnotdown your story sounds similar to mine so I get where you are coming from

cocinelle Mon 23-Sep-13 11:15:35

Good for you, PTFsWife - only you know the interior dynamic of your relationship, only you are qualified to determine what's best for you at this point.

Since my husband's affair, things have never been better in many ways. He had pyschotherapy after it all came out to work through some of the personal issues that caused him to do something so terrible to us and to our family. He is actively trying to be a better man and role model to our son, something that seems less active and more ingrained every day.

Having said that, it's nearly been a year since I found out, and it's still very much in my head. It's becoming less of a gut punch each time it pops in there though, and often I'm able to think about the good things that have come out of it. Still preys on me when I'm feeling vulnerable though..

It's really taboo to try and work through an affair. It's a brave thing to do, and totally depends on the parties involved. Very much best luck to you xx flowers

Zoe678 Mon 23-Sep-13 12:10:50

There is so much cognitive dissonance in your post. You want to "show [the] children what a happy family can be". :-/

I'd worry that you can't identify what the right thing for you. It's not an endurance test!!

A dysfunctional family unit is the most extreme form of hell.

If you can get the relationship back off the ground then great, honestly, I'm not urging you to leave if you want to stay but make sure that you don't see drawing a line, and your having the right to draw a line as "weakness" because it's not. You're not obliged to keep on trying. You haven't 'failed' if you say "enough!!!".

and two, make sure that you don't prioritise appearing to be happy, appearing to conform, and hiding behind the mask of being a normal statistically average couple with being happy. Conforming isn't the same as being happy. My family is so much happier now.

EasyMark Mon 23-Sep-13 12:17:33

I think working on it is harder than ltb. Its you life and if you think you can have a loving trusting healthy relationship again than good luck to you both.

Please let us know how you get on xx

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