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SIL - did you mean to be so rude?!(78 Posts)
Long - but makes sense. I think
I started a thread not so long ago, wondering if I was being really lazy by going to sleep during the day, while my 10 week old DS slept. Mainly because my SIL kept telling me how 'she never went back to sleep when her DD napped'
ANYWAY...we went to a Shake, Rattle and Roll class on Friday morning. It came up in conversation that I was feeling a little under the weather, tired, etc. I said that I was going to go to the Dr's as my Mum, my Aunt and my first cousin all have under active thyroids, so thought I should get it ruled out.
And she said something along the lines of the following: "well, no offense, but when you go to sleep during the day and don't get out and about then you're bound to feel like shit."
I was a little stunned at first but managed to say that I wasn't the same as her and regardless, I did go out most days. To which she replied "Yes, well you only walk to the village and back". (The village is about a 10 minute brisk walk away, I go to do my errands, post office, chemist, shops etc, and then come back home. I'm out for between 30-60 mins almost every day).
Our conversation was halted anyway and then the topic got changed. She then text me later in the evening saying she didn't mean to be awful, she was just trying to be helpful and give advice. I said I knew she wasn't being awful and that everyone has their own opinion and way of doing things.
To which she replied "Good, but getting out is good, especially for DS"
It quite upset me because as a new Mum to a 12 week old, I already feel like the things I do are perhaps not good enough. I should be singing to him more, talking to him more, playing with toys more, etc. For example: I was changing his bum at 5am the other morning and was
half asleep distracted but the thought ran through my mind "you should be talking to him".
I don't know why it has bothered me so much. Why she bothers me so much; why I let her. I do go out almost every day with DS, not to the park or anything but bloody hell he is 3 months! I guess it just reverberated my fears that I'm not doing enough with him.
Don't know why I've posted here actually, I just needed to get it out I suppose.
Definitely get your thyroid function checked as postpartum thyroiditis is often left undiagnosed and a family history would put you in a high risk category.
She sounds cripplingly insecure, tbh, if she takes everyone who does it differently as doing it WRONG and being a WORSE MOTHER! I think you're doing really well - I barely left the house at that stage! And babies find everything fascinating, plus need downtime as well. Meh to the idea they should be constantly stimulated. I think life is pretty stimulating all by itself when you're brand new to the world.
And any mother who doesn't grab some rest when the baby sleeps is doing the opposite to any baby book I ever read - everyone knows babies don't give you enough sleep at night, and how else can you make up the deficit? Good luck to her if she doesn't need the extra sleep, but it kept me sane. Well. Sane-ish, anyway.
She sounds nuts.
I also have felt the pressure to be endlessly talking/singing/entertaining my baby. I found quickly that I am incapable of doing so - she gets about an hour of interaction and then I just want to have a quiet cuppa and leave her to it. My group of mum friends all joke that our parenting style is 'leave them on the floor and they will figure it out while we drink tea' - and yet, miraculously all our babies are thriving and meeting all their milestones.
Please dont feel pressured into going to groups, etc (though I can recommend the sort where you put all the babies on a duvet in the middle and drink tea while gossiping). The 'classes' for babies are fine if you acutally enjoy and want to be there - but your baby does not need them.
Also - although I never slept when mine did (just couldn't as I always felt I have to be doing something like laundry), I wish I had. It would have meant I was well rested when DD got more active.
Either she'll get off her high horse and laugh at herself or she'll sulk now. You'll be too busy enjoying DS light up when he sees you to give any mind to what she's up to.
She could have been trying to be helpful. Equally her nose could have been the teeniest bit out of joint when DP announced you were expecting when her DD was under one year old. So she tries to show you how things 'should' be done.
Donkey - yes! She text me back saying "just trying to give you advice and my experience of being a parent for the last 17 months!"
yawn erm, thanks!
"just trying to give you advice and my experience of being a parent for the last 17 months!"
Well that maybe so but she hasn't been the parent of YOUR baby. Bloody cheek! I have a two year old and another on the way and 99 days out of 100 I genuinely still feel like I haven't a clue. Silly mare. Put her in her place, for the sake of all of us who are simply doing our best.
You tell her that WeAreSeven off of MN has been a parent for 17 YEARS and still manages to be nice to other people most of the time!
Then tell her to feck off!
I regularly sleep in the day. On Friday I managed to get my three year old and 15 week ds and myself all in bed and asleep for two hours. It was one of my greatest achievements as a mother and i was very happy! Also i am an introvert and need to sleep to recharge. I think i feel this need more than other people and i embrace it!
Your SIL is a 'sanctimommy'. Everything she has done with her child is the best and all her choices are the right ones ...
Just ignore her and focus on your DS. With sanctimommies, it's all about them and their egos. They need to believe that they're perfect mothers and the best way to do that is lecture someone else or belittle her choices.
You've had a tough time with a difficult delivery and a baby who needs special feeding so you don't need a person like your SIL around imposing her views on things. The first three months are tough! If your SIL had an easy delivery, she may not realize how tough you've had it. Just take a break from her for a while and focus on your DS and enjoying time with him.
I have lovely lovely happy memories of napping when my babies did (eldest is 10). Ignore her. Sadly motherhood is very often a continual feeling of not doing enough. How many fathers agonise to the same degree, I don't know ...
I bet you are doing a good job. If you are worrying about talking to your baby, I bet you are.
I'd alternate between 'I'm happy with the way I do it, thanks', and 'Well, it'd be a dull world if we were all the same!' said with as bright a smile as you can manage.
BTW I think it's very likely you are still low on iron, from what you posted earlier - don't know what your dose of iron was for the month you were on it, but it's relatively easy to sink back again. I would get your HB levels checked again and maybe consider taking iron a couple of days a week in the meantime until you get a result back.
Oh, and it is very sensible to get in extra sleep when the baby is asleep. Plus I love talking to my DS but wouldn't be making conversation at 5am! I'd be minimising all noise to get him back to sleep...
She's an arse. My sil is similar but only ever criticisms, doesn't even try to pretend its advise!
You don't need to talk to baby in the night as it wakes them up so don't worry about that.
It's good to sleep when baby ,and toddler sleeps,ignore her.
Yup - just listen, nod and say: "how interesting. However, things are just fine for us and I'll carry on doing it my way for now. As you said, everyone's different."
I nap with my 2 year old. I am pregnant and permanently knackered though. My iPhone alarm is actually set for 2pm when I have to get up to pick up DS from pre-school.
My sil recently had her first baby recently. As a mum of three I try not to give her advice unless she asks for it. We have very different parenting styles.
When I had my first I appreciated the advice but honestly most of it was useless and you are better finding your own way.
I'd just avoid the topic of babies with your sil as much as possible. Or just try to say how great everything is.
Best advice we ever had from the Midwife was - you sleep when the baby sleeps.
Enjoy your naps, don't worry about SIL.
I wouldn't spend so much time with her if she's going to make you feel shit every time you do. I've distanced myself from my sil and ils in general and feel soooo much better for it!
I was like your SIL when my two were young - on the "active" front not on the advice front. Spent all my energy keeping everything up to scratch - doing jobs the second babies were settled or occupied.
I read advice to rest when they rested. I didn't. I thought I knew best. That I could cope.
Now they are 5 and 7. They are wonderful. I am now a happy, relaxed Mummy - when they are occupied I now rest, chill, read a book.
That is now. In hindsight I so, so wish I had spent more time snuggling them as babies. Resting when they rested. Ignoring the jobs and enjoying the time rather than having to prove to the world (probably just me tbh) that I could cope. My "coping" actually ended up with me having PND after both. Or the coping was a way of trying to mask the PND - who knows?
Anyway, what I am clumsily trying to say is - you are doing it right. Cuddles and rest rock!
I'm misty-eyed as I remember (18 years later) how I found that the best way to get a toddler who 'needs a nap but is fighting it' to go to sleep, was to lie on my bed together, read a story, and lo! we'd both be asleep! --I usually woke up before the child did, so had the best of both worlds--Highly recommended!
You sound like a really great parent! Someone once said to me: 'Accept everything except advice!' People offering advice tend to have a 'helper complex' and want to big themselves up. Go with your own parental instincts and do what you feel is right for you and your babe. BTW Walk to village sounds great.
I always slept in the day - for as long as possible (I stopped doing it after about 2 decades or when I was in an office). To be recommended.
How did the meal go? Was she all fake hurt?
You're doing great. So is she probably, but in a different way. However, your way is right for you and your baby. That's it. Be confident that your baby thinks you are the best thing ever. Because you are.
I would recommend asking your GP to check your iron levels. They are unlikely to be back to normal if they were just 9 three months ago.
Happy not read the whole thread but just wanted to say I exclusively bf and both my DS and DD had horrendous eczema so please don't beat yourself about that because there is a good chance bf or not would not make a difference!
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