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SIL - did you mean to be so rude?!

(78 Posts)
HappyGoLuckyGirl Sun 22-Sep-13 00:19:13

Long - but makes sense. I think grin

I started a thread not so long ago, wondering if I was being really lazy by going to sleep during the day, while my 10 week old DS slept. Mainly because my SIL kept telling me how 'she never went back to sleep when her DD napped' sick face

ANYWAY...we went to a Shake, Rattle and Roll class on Friday morning. It came up in conversation that I was feeling a little under the weather, tired, etc. I said that I was going to go to the Dr's as my Mum, my Aunt and my first cousin all have under active thyroids, so thought I should get it ruled out.

And she said something along the lines of the following: "well, no offense, but when you go to sleep during the day and don't get out and about then you're bound to feel like shit."

I was a little stunned at first but managed to say that I wasn't the same as her and regardless, I did go out most days. To which she replied "Yes, well you only walk to the village and back". (The village is about a 10 minute brisk walk away, I go to do my errands, post office, chemist, shops etc, and then come back home. I'm out for between 30-60 mins almost every day).

Our conversation was halted anyway and then the topic got changed. She then text me later in the evening saying she didn't mean to be awful, she was just trying to be helpful and give advice. I said I knew she wasn't being awful and that everyone has their own opinion and way of doing things.

To which she replied "Good, but getting out is good, especially for DS"

It quite upset me because as a new Mum to a 12 week old, I already feel like the things I do are perhaps not good enough. I should be singing to him more, talking to him more, playing with toys more, etc. For example: I was changing his bum at 5am the other morning and was half asleep distracted but the thought ran through my mind "you should be talking to him".

I don't know why it has bothered me so much. Why she bothers me so much; why I let her. I do go out almost every day with DS, not to the park or anything but bloody hell he is 3 months! hmm I guess it just reverberated my fears that I'm not doing enough with him.

Don't know why I've posted here actually, I just needed to get it out I suppose. sad

MacNCheese Sun 22-Sep-13 08:05:21

Sounds like your doing great.
My dd was bf and she still has eczema and ear infections.
People may just be trying to be helpful, when it comes to raising young children everyone's suddenly an expert. Just take there advice there may be some gems in there and ignore the rest by saying 'okay but I'm going to do it this way'. There is a million ways to raise a wonderful happy human.

MacNCheese Sun 22-Sep-13 08:06:14

Get the doc to look at your iron levels too.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 22-Sep-13 08:18:44

So she said she wouldn't see you again id say thats a result!!

ExcuseTypos Sun 22-Sep-13 08:28:48

I agree with Mac. After that labour and emergency CS you may have low iron levels, so get them checked.

You sound like you're doing a fantastic job. Your SIL sounds a bit mad to me. You are already going out during the day so what is she on about? And of course you should rest when DS is sleeping. That's the sensible thing to do.

Ignore SIL and anyone else who comes up with half baked ideas-there will be plenty of them in the future grin.

Playboxpony Sun 22-Sep-13 08:31:22

Ignore her, who made her mum of the year??

I rarely slept when Ds slept during the day but that's because I found it more refreshing to just sit in peace with a cup of tea when I had the chance, we all rest in different ways. But like you, I didn't go out that much in the first few weeks and didn't seem as "busy" with baby activities as other new mums. But, I absolutely enjoyed and cherished that time being home with him and getting to know him.

You've obviously got different personalities from SIL, and she should respect that. Well done for telling her you were a bit put out though. Try and hang out with more like-minded mums.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 22-Sep-13 08:35:30

I think, as well, a lot of mothers who are further down the line not only did things differently with their babies, but remember things differently. If she did do it differently, she didn't necessarily do it better. You only have her word for it anyway. What you need is CCTV footage of what your SIL was actually doing at 5am when her baby was 12 weeks old; it might tell a different story grin In the absence of that, just tell yourself "either she's forgotten what it was like or she's glossing it over, frankly". Which is far more likely than that this abrasive, insensitive person has a better idea than you do what a baby (and specifically your baby) really needs.

Stimulating your baby at 5am sounds like a really, really bad idea IMO!

Wishfulmakeupping Sun 22-Sep-13 08:43:25

Everyone on here is right ignore her is the best solution. You sound like you are doing a fab job don't let her make you question that

12 week olds don't care where they are as long as they're fed, clean, warm and snuggly. There's plenty of time for music groups etc.

I'm sure she was just trying to help, but you are doing a great job already by the sounds of it. Don't clamour to apologise to her either, she'll come round eventually.

My Health visitor actually told me off for not resting when the baby did.
I was a bit over anxious and always felt I should be doing 'more'.
I was fortunate in that I didn't have the likes of your sil around pressurising me.

Carry on as you are, and do try and rest, you're doing a great job. grin

Meerka Sun 22-Sep-13 08:47:54

if she repeats it:

"thank you SIL, you have said that before, I appreciate your input but everyone has different ways of doing things"

(Or just don't make any effort to see her. She sounds like a real walk-on-eggshells person, and damn they're hard work. Not always possible mind you!)

if nothing else, feel a bit sorry for her offspring, brought up by a drama llama.

Believe your MIL and DP and not the one who's batshit

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sun 22-Sep-13 08:52:39

walkacrossthesand - he is on Nutramigen, has been for about 4 weeks now and also takes infant gaviscon, which seems to be helping.

For those who mentioned my iron levels, I did have extremely low iron when I left hospital, I think it was just under 9. They gave me iron tablets which I took dutifully for a month. They didn't recheck after that though, so who knows if it's baxk to normal.

I go to baby clinic every other Tuesday to get him weighed (recently every Tuesday as we're trialling creams for his eczema) and have a Mum and baby group every Wednesday afternoon.

I guess because I thought I was doing well and making the effort to go out, I didn't understand what she could have been implying.

Anyhoo, I tested the water and she just wants to forget about it now. Do hope she doesn't make it awkward for me, we've got dinner with them this afternoon at DP's dads.

DP warned me that she would react badly to my message. Poor love has had to put up with that kind of behaviour all his life.

Thanks for all your lovely comments. It's good to hear positives. I'm looking forward to my DS being able to tell me I'm the best Mummy grin

ThisIsYourSong Sun 22-Sep-13 08:57:15

You know, it's hard not to give advice when you have already had children as you know what worked for you and you want to help. Even if you know that everyone is different, she really is trying to help.

You're going to get lots and lots of advice in the months and years to come, you will just need to grow a thicker skin and perfect the nod, smile, change subject and store it up to rant at your DP later.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sun 22-Sep-13 09:00:29

Meerka - she is a great Mother, really is. But I was thinking the other day that she is so different to me. One of her friends who has a boy the same age as my niece (17mo) went abroad for the weekend and left her baby with her partner.

SIL said she didn't agree with leaving babies at all. I said I would be able to leave DS at home with DP at that age and her reply was "I understand that everyone isn't like me." shock She just makes me feel like what she does is the best way and anything she wouldn't do isn't good enough.

The logical side of my brain is telling me to ignore, ignore, ignore and my DP tells me I'm doing a great job. Just this bloody woman! I have no problem telling other people (my Mum, other family and friends) to butt out if they get over bearing!

stantonherzlinger Sun 22-Sep-13 09:08:08

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

queenjellybelly Sun 22-Sep-13 09:11:23

My midwife gave me some stellar advice. She said that as a new mum I should be as well rested as possible to be the most capable of caring for my baby. She said to never stand when i could be sitting, never sit when i could be lying down & never be awake when I could be asleep. I still go by this now and my youngest is 4! gringrin

jojoanna Sun 22-Sep-13 09:11:37

Ignore her. IMO people should not comment unless asked. Especially to mothers of new babies. Everyone is an expert.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sun 22-Sep-13 09:17:30

I agree jojo. Especially as you don't know how that mother may be feeling and criticising her may be the proverbial straw that sends her over the edge. sad

Lavenderhoney Sun 22-Sep-13 09:49:37

Take no notice! At three months your baby is happy with you, he/she doesn't need a daily round of music classes, baby yoga etc- its for mums to get out a bit. You don't have too.. Plenty of time for all that when your baby is crawling and toddling, if you like all that. Wandering round the shops and getting to know people, watching your daily routine and chats is just as interesting for a baby, in fact maybe more so than a beribboned woman rattling a shaker in front of his nosesmile

Are there any groups you could go to where she isn't? If she sees herself as the baby expert, a bit of distance might be handy.

You're going to have to smile and ignore. When she mentions again " you need to get out more, I said before etc etc" you can smile and say " yes, I thought about it and I've decided not to" really, advice is just that, you don't have to take it.

WireCat Sun 22-Sep-13 10:08:50

You're doing great.
Ignore your sil x

She's awful.
You decided to test the waters and she wants to forget about it? After she upset you? How nice of her hmm

WinkyWinkola Sun 22-Sep-13 10:40:23

Your sil is a nutter.

She is the last person I would take advice from.

You go right on your merry way and sleeping when baby sleeps is a great idea. It saved my bacon with my 4 dcs.

Can you fade from your sil's view in future? She sounds like a very opinionated, forceful person.

mischiefmummy Sun 22-Sep-13 10:46:11

Ignore, ignore, ignore!!

of course you should sleep when the baby naps!! As a mother of 4 I slept any time I had the chance from baby 1 - baby 4.

You need sleep in order to function. No point going out and about if you're shattered, only if you're lethargic (which as a mother of a 12 week old babe is highly unlikely!)

Take care of yourself and ignore (and avoid) the SIL, she's a twit!

Xenadog Sun 22-Sep-13 10:58:12

My advice would be to carry on as you are ~ it all sounds fine to me what you are doing ~ and make some new friends whom you can go out and about with, maybe joining some parenting groups? She's obviously a bit of a nut job and anyone who is slightly toxic in your life needs to be given the old heave ho! X

LynetteScavo Sun 22-Sep-13 11:07:49

She is a nutter.

When I had my first DC14 years ago, no one took their 12 old baby to any sort of class - we just sat around drinking coffee with other mums for out benefit.

Now newborns seem to be in a different class each day of the week.

Tiny babies don't need to go out, apart from getting a bit of fresh air, but their mums do need to have a nap in the day if they fancy it.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sun 22-Sep-13 12:23:27

Thanks everyone smile

I'll take your advice and next time just say that it's not for me. Spine of steel and all that grin

God. She would hate me! We live an hours walk from the nearest shop, and I don't drive, so the vast majority of my days are quite samey! I go out for two 20-60 minute walks every day, mostly because we have a dog, my little boy hasn't played with another toddler for at least a month.

It's our life, our boy is thriving. He is clever, chatty, sociable and not scared of anything.

I still nap some days, and he is 17 months old!!

Everyone does their thing differently, your main aims are to make sure your baby is loved, fed and comforted as and when she needs it.

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