hi, have just been wondering about this.
unfortunately i have never really been close to my mother. basically a personality clash i think, she is quite passive aggressive and i think has never really understood me or tried to understand where i am coming from on things. there is a long and painful history with many incidents of hurt i guess on both sides and the relationship has i think deteriorated completely of late. i dont speak to her much and if she does ring i am tense for the whole time and leave conversation feeling drained emotionally. its never relaxed cant be around her and at ease and it makes me feel like i am flawed somehow especially when i hear of friends who are close to their mums and i just cant picture it.
the final straw in things has been the fact that i am in a very abusive relationship with physical and emotional abuse and my parents have known how bad it is for some time. however they are very traditional and believe divorce is to be avoided at all costs and its best for the kids to stay together etc etc. also great shame on their heads if i leave husband. so basically i have no family support if/when i leave as they have said they will disown me take kids blah blah blah which they cant do but still hard to hear it. they are just sticking heads in sand.
i have tried to make them see how much better it would be for me to leave but they wont accept it and are as good at minimising things and shifting blame onto me as my husband is. they think the sun shines out of his a**e by the way and it galls me that they laugh and joke with him knowing full well how he treats me. i cant forgive them esp my mother for this and for making me feel like i have no safe place to go to when things are bad. i try to limit contact as much as possible but they keep trying to force the relationship. i can only deal with it by detaching and also as the kids adore them and i never had grandparents so want them to have a relationship with them even though i am so angry at how they act.
anyway due to this i always envisaged myself with boys as i feel i dont know how to successfully parent a daughter as i never had that? i am so worried of the cycle carrying on and would never want my daughter to hate me as much as i hate them and would never want her to be alone. even now i cant understand my parents what kind of parent sits back and lets their child suffer like that? if anyone touched dd i would kill them.
but then i dont want to pressure dd to live up to the expectations of a relationship that i didnt have. i guess i just really desperately want to be a better mother to her than mine was/is and wondered what was the best way to do it. obviously mainly theoretical as dd only 2 but i just so badly want to set the best foundation for her for the future so she will never ever have to feel even an ounce of the pain that i do.
also if there were others who perhaps arent close to their mothers how to deal with the pain of that? i would dearly love to go no contact with my mother but unfortunately cant due to cultural and religious expectations.
any thoughts would help so much as the whole thing is really getting to me lately
thankyou
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
has anyony had a not so great realtionship with their mother then gone on to be close to a dd? really worried
yummytummy · 21/09/2013 20:03
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