Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Discovering orgasm for 1st time (without DH)

(34 Posts)
whyhavealltheobiviousnicknames Fri 20-Sep-13 23:17:48

Namechanged.

Until very recently, I had never orgasmed, ever. Maybe partly because I wasn't into the idea of masturbation and so never really properly tried to have a go myself.

I've had two partners in my life (am 31), one long term boyfriend and my husband of 5 years after that. Never came close with either during sex. However this didn't really bother me, I had accepted at this stage that I was just one of those poor unfortunates who couldn't orgasm. I still enjoyed sex, the closeness etc., though obviously not as much as my DH as didn't achieve the usual end goal.

There was no change to this after my 1st dc (though definitely less opportunity for sex!) but things are different this time round (had 2nd dc nearly 1 year ago). I don't really know what prompted it but I found myself wondering about porn, which I'd never really seen properly before. Our 2nd dc is a terrible sleeper and we're currently sleeping separately to try to ensure we both get some sleep...I think curiosity got the better of me on one of those many nights alone and I googled on my phone and came up with what I guess is fairly soft free porn.

Anyway (very) long story short I have discovered that I can now orgasm through masturbation and fairly easily at that, sometimes, though not always, aided by viewing free porn.

I always thought I was anti-porn so this is kind of hard to reconcile to myself though I am frankly delighted to discover I can orgasm at all. So this is what everyone has been talking about all these years! I am a bit sad though that this has happened without my husband.

I'm not sure how to incorporate this into our (practically non-existent tbh sex-life at the moment) though. We are both so tired generally that sex happens very infrequently and we're always terrified of waking up a dc. I'm not sure how to explain to DH about the new-found orgasms either - actually am not sure if they would happen during normal sex either as so far they are all down to me working alone. Also, the main stimulus I have found to work is images of breasts...I don't think I am gay but this is apparently what turns me on so not sure where that fits in with my husband..

Anyway I just wanted to see if anyone else had similar experiences...I'm not a hairy handed troll looking just for personal stories btw, I know this is probably not very common but thought I'd post just in case. Has anyone heard of someone discovering orgasm post-pregnancy? Have had some wine which is making me brave enough to post!

internationallove985 Mon 23-Sep-13 21:00:26

Congratulation on your first orgasm. I hope it the first of many. xx

whyhavealltheobiviousnicknames Mon 23-Sep-13 16:52:44

2nd para - I told him, not he told me

whyhavealltheobiviousnicknames Mon 23-Sep-13 16:51:55

Hi all, OP here.

Thank you all so much for the positive responses and for the advice on how to tackle DH. In particular, thanks to those who confirmed that being aroused by breasts does not necessarily make me gay/bi. I firmly believe that I am hetero and have only ever seen myself as having a relationship with a man. However I can't say images of penises (penii??) have ever particularly turned me on - the female form is much more arousing IME.

Anyhoo, I had a chat with DH and told him of my discovery. He's generally a strong silent type of chap so it didn't really start a big conversation but he did tell me he was glad he told me and we'll try to work on it in our sex life together in future. I think the last poster's suggestion of maybe using whatever stimuli necessary before sex with DH might make orgasm together more likely. We did have sex this weekend which was lovely (sans orgasm for me though) but it was before I had the guts to tell him, so we'll see how we do next time.

I understand the use of porn is distasteful to some posters, and previously to this would have totally felt the same. However I don't think erotica is right for me (unless anyone has any suggestions/recommendations?) I had a quick look online and it seemed very focussed on the end goal of penetration leading to orgasm. Obviously though that type of orgasm has never happened for me so I can't relate and it doesn't help me orgasm through masturbation. I accept though that the use of porn is not ideal and I do hope eventually not to need it at all.

Thanks again to all and thanks also for the congratulations!! I'm really chuffed with myself and delighted to finally experience this. If there is anyone out there reading this who is still an orgasm-virgin like I was, there is hope - I'm the proof, so keep trying! grin It's bloody great! [inane grin]

CiderWithDozy Mon 23-Sep-13 15:17:58

BTW I always wondered whether the findings from those experiments might just reflect the fact that women are better at empathising. See someone else turned on --> feel turned on yourself. Maybe it doesn't matter whether that's man, woman or other ape!

CiderWithDozy Mon 23-Sep-13 14:55:01

OP, I agree with what others have said that your DH will probably be delighted if this is presented to him in the right way. Sounds great news to me.

Also, how about watching what really turns you on before sex, just to make it all a bit easier when you guide him about what to do? (Personally, if I'm not in the mood but want to be, I sometimes sneak off to have a little look on my iphone before returning to DH more ready for action - or sometimes look with DH these days).

Also, I class myself as hetero and this is my experience relationship-wise, but basically all of the visual stimuli which turn me on are of women. Also involves, breasts, mostly.
And my sexual fantasies also revolve around other women. Actually, I'd be interested to know whether this is a common experience? (but this is OP's thread, so I should probably ask elsewhere).

Hope all goes well, OP. Enjoy yourself!

Wellwobbly Mon 23-Sep-13 14:25:40

Downstairs did you see that brilliant film with Julianne Phillips and Annette Bening (who should have got Best Supporting Actress and didn't)

as the gay couple and JP had an affair with the surrogate of her child (?Mark Ruffo)? Brilliant film!

Anyway, the film opens with them watching gay porn and one of their kids walking in. Hilarious. Along with the tortured explanation of why two lesbians would watch... - SAVE IT, MOM!!!

Wellwobbly Mon 23-Sep-13 14:22:52

Cog, honestly Harder is stating a fact.

It is a protective reflex to lubricate during rape so minimise the damage. The reflex comes from the automonic nervous system somewhere in the lumbar region and is not under conscious control.

Grrrr. Which leads to blurred lines 'you know you want it'.

DownstairsMixUp Sun 22-Sep-13 15:19:42

Congrats! You have already been given great advice so I would just go with talking to your OH and explaining it, I'm sure he will be a lot more understanding than you think! The breast thing doesn't mean you are bi, but it could be, I wouldn't think too much into it though, I was the same as that but it took me years to actually act on it and I did end up having experiences with women as well as dating one for some time, though I also have straight friends who watch gay porn but aren't bi! I think that's actually quite normal! Good luck and hope you chat with your DP smile

TheDietStartsTomorrow Sun 22-Sep-13 15:07:23

I think if its going to be uncomfortable telling your DH you should hold back for a while. Some men mau end up feeli inadequte if they fid out the someone else succeeded where they failed, even if that someone else is you yourself. smile

Try just showing him what to do instead. Do with his hands what you did with your own. I'm also turned on by breasts. My own boobs though grin. Makes your own boobies a central focus of your lovemaking. Lead his hands to them for constand fondling, licking, nipping, biting etc and keep them out during sex all the time so you can both see them. It's normal heterosexual behaviour to be tuned on by boobs too. They're an erotic part of the body.

learnasyougo Sun 22-Sep-13 14:53:23

Arf at stereotyping cavemen.

What I meant was, some (I would say unpleasant) people try to argue that rape was the norm once, we're adapted to it and is therefore the natural order of things.

Now that IS crap. It ignores all those evolutionary adaptions surrounding female pleasure and female choice. We're not sexually passive.

ryangoslinglovesmedamnit Sun 22-Sep-13 14:51:43

im perfectly straight but if we watch a love scene or the like (we don't venture into porn, bluergh) I get more turned on by the woman. I think this because they are
-less threatening, soft and feminine, the scene is usually gentle and slow building.
- I don't think willies are particularly attractive to look atgrin but eeveryone can appreciate perky boobs no?
-if im reading a dirty book/watching a love scene I can relate to the sensations described iyswim, which min turn makes me want them too!

im not sure this makes sense. Im not a fan of porn..aside from the obvious I can't really describe why. it doesn't do anything for me.

waving pompoms for your discovery over orgasm!

I can't reach orgasm via penetrative sex. I enjoy it but anything inside me doesn't do it.. but I get there very quickly with a rub. trying to word this properly lol

I also bought a 'bullet' from ann summers. o.m.g!

Dh would be mortified to know he wasn't the best I ever had. it would hurt him. Because I know its a case of not being able to reach orgasm via actual sex I don't see the point in telling him.. he can make me orgasm other ways and if I feel a little shortchanged I enjoy the closeness of it and go after my own sexual gratification later! some people won't agree with this..but sex is a strongly emotive thing and our relationship is perfect otherwise..and I don't personally find it a problem. .if I did that would be different.

I feel like I just totally over shared and need to name change but hope this helps!

HarderToKidnap Sun 22-Sep-13 12:54:17

Yes, i didnt mean to stereotype the cavemen, of course!

learnasyougo Sun 22-Sep-13 12:28:17

this is why no rapist can ever use the defence that 'she was wet, so was obviously enjoying it'.

learnasyougo Sun 22-Sep-13 12:25:27

I wouldn't say it was crap, but better to say preparing for sex. The reasoning behind this theory is that penetration (without foreplay or sexual arousal from the woman) triggers the vagina to get wet, even during rape. Wetness does not indicate the woman is aroused and enjoying the experience - one of those things that women who have been raped, yet noticed getting well lubricated anyway, can find distressing ("was I turned on by the rape?") when it's actually a self protecting measure (to reduce tears and injury).

Scientists can only surmise that self-lubricating at the merest hint of sex is an evolutionary winner, if it means the woman avoids injury.

doesn't mean cavemen were all rapists. just some, like today.

HarderToKidnap Sun 22-Sep-13 12:23:35

Nope, that's the theory!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 22-Sep-13 12:14:56

Evolutionary response to the possibility of being raped?..... What utter crap!

HarderToKidnap Sun 22-Sep-13 11:59:04

I think they thought the underlying reasons the increase in blood flow to the genitals in women when faced with any sort of sexual imagery is an evolutionary response to the possibility of being raped. I.e. if you are a cavewoman and see sexual activity, there is a possibility that men are amongst your tribe and you will shortly be having sex with one if them, therefore better to be lubricated to prevent physical damage to you. Basically, seeing sex is an early warning that you will shortly be having sex, and the body begins to protect itself. Not really anything to do with being turned on, as such.

Wellwobbly Sun 22-Sep-13 10:45:34

What Erich says! <waves rah rah pom poms>

Lucky OP, off onto a new stage of fabulousness with her dear DH x

<wistful>

I'm sure that research said that women were turned on by images of monkey sex too! Suggesting that we are actually more visual and more sexually adventurous than men ;)

culturemulcher Sat 21-Sep-13 19:08:57

Second what EhricLoves says.

I'd like to have a link to hand to pop in here, but there was a news report recently and documentary all based on the same research which said that the majority (and a large majority at that) of straight women are turned on by sexual images of women as well as of men. This is the case (study of blood flow to intimate areas) even if the woman does not consciously admit to being turned on.

The majority of men, on the other hand, are only turned on by sexual images of men if they're gay.

I'm sure someone will be along soon with a link.

Don't worry about what turns you on. I would, though, start bed-sharing with DH again asap. Why do you need to sleep apart?

It's fine to use your own hands during sex to bring yourself to orgasm, I often do. I think you need to bite the bullet and tell your DH to be honest. Maybe you could have a read of some erotica to see if you like it - and use it to get yourself very turned on before you start foreplay?
'Lesbian' porn is usually less aggressive and misogynistic than het so you could try looking for something along those lines from an ethical pornographer? Porn is a tricky area, it's very common to enjoy it (the tame, non aggressive type) but most of it isn't tame and there is so much abuse in the industry it's hard to ignore. I don't know any ethical pornographers to recommend but I know they exist from posts on here.

Ps It's also common to be hetero but get turned on by women!

Vivacia Sat 21-Sep-13 17:43:01

I think you need to talk to your husband about this otherwise you risk ending up in a sex-free marriage with you getting your kicks from porn rather than a healthy sex life with your husband.

Wellwobbly Sat 21-Sep-13 17:07:35

Do you even have to talk about it?

Reach down, get going and give him the best ride of his life. wink

Wellwobbly Sat 21-Sep-13 17:05:57

Brilliant! Well done!

We had a very enlightened priest (Anglican) who told us well brought up girls that masturbation was very important, for us to find out what we liked first.

If it is any comfort Nickname, I don't know the statistics but I think that the majority of women can't orgasm through penetrative sex alone. You are not wierd, you are with most women.

So stimulate yourself during LM and blow your DH's socks off.

Go for it! So nice to have a 'good news' thread!

FabricQueen Sat 21-Sep-13 11:11:50

Serious question, because this happened to me and so that's why I'm wondering; is there any tiny possibility you could be gay or bi? I say this because, although you say you're not gay, I spend a large part of my adult life saying the same thing and having adequate but not very thrilling sex with men, and I am now in a relationship with a woman. So, never say never.

Perhaps your sexuality - in a more general sense - has been repressed for whatever reason, so it's all coming out now. Congrats on the orgasms! (and ditto what Shapechanger said about the issues with porn and the ethics of watching potentially morally dubious material. I understand the fascination, but you could explore other avenues like erotica etc as well?)

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now