Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Discovering orgasm for 1st time (without DH)

(34 Posts)
whyhavealltheobiviousnicknames Fri 20-Sep-13 23:17:48

Namechanged.

Until very recently, I had never orgasmed, ever. Maybe partly because I wasn't into the idea of masturbation and so never really properly tried to have a go myself.

I've had two partners in my life (am 31), one long term boyfriend and my husband of 5 years after that. Never came close with either during sex. However this didn't really bother me, I had accepted at this stage that I was just one of those poor unfortunates who couldn't orgasm. I still enjoyed sex, the closeness etc., though obviously not as much as my DH as didn't achieve the usual end goal.

There was no change to this after my 1st dc (though definitely less opportunity for sex!) but things are different this time round (had 2nd dc nearly 1 year ago). I don't really know what prompted it but I found myself wondering about porn, which I'd never really seen properly before. Our 2nd dc is a terrible sleeper and we're currently sleeping separately to try to ensure we both get some sleep...I think curiosity got the better of me on one of those many nights alone and I googled on my phone and came up with what I guess is fairly soft free porn.

Anyway (very) long story short I have discovered that I can now orgasm through masturbation and fairly easily at that, sometimes, though not always, aided by viewing free porn.

I always thought I was anti-porn so this is kind of hard to reconcile to myself though I am frankly delighted to discover I can orgasm at all. So this is what everyone has been talking about all these years! I am a bit sad though that this has happened without my husband.

I'm not sure how to incorporate this into our (practically non-existent tbh sex-life at the moment) though. We are both so tired generally that sex happens very infrequently and we're always terrified of waking up a dc. I'm not sure how to explain to DH about the new-found orgasms either - actually am not sure if they would happen during normal sex either as so far they are all down to me working alone. Also, the main stimulus I have found to work is images of breasts...I don't think I am gay but this is apparently what turns me on so not sure where that fits in with my husband..

Anyway I just wanted to see if anyone else had similar experiences...I'm not a hairy handed troll looking just for personal stories btw, I know this is probably not very common but thought I'd post just in case. Has anyone heard of someone discovering orgasm post-pregnancy? Have had some wine which is making me brave enough to post!

TheDietStartsTomorrow Sun 22-Sep-13 15:07:23

I think if its going to be uncomfortable telling your DH you should hold back for a while. Some men mau end up feeli inadequte if they fid out the someone else succeeded where they failed, even if that someone else is you yourself. smile

Try just showing him what to do instead. Do with his hands what you did with your own. I'm also turned on by breasts. My own boobs though grin. Makes your own boobies a central focus of your lovemaking. Lead his hands to them for constand fondling, licking, nipping, biting etc and keep them out during sex all the time so you can both see them. It's normal heterosexual behaviour to be tuned on by boobs too. They're an erotic part of the body.

DownstairsMixUp Sun 22-Sep-13 15:19:42

Congrats! You have already been given great advice so I would just go with talking to your OH and explaining it, I'm sure he will be a lot more understanding than you think! The breast thing doesn't mean you are bi, but it could be, I wouldn't think too much into it though, I was the same as that but it took me years to actually act on it and I did end up having experiences with women as well as dating one for some time, though I also have straight friends who watch gay porn but aren't bi! I think that's actually quite normal! Good luck and hope you chat with your DP smile

Wellwobbly Mon 23-Sep-13 14:22:52

Cog, honestly Harder is stating a fact.

It is a protective reflex to lubricate during rape so minimise the damage. The reflex comes from the automonic nervous system somewhere in the lumbar region and is not under conscious control.

Grrrr. Which leads to blurred lines 'you know you want it'.

Wellwobbly Mon 23-Sep-13 14:25:40

Downstairs did you see that brilliant film with Julianne Phillips and Annette Bening (who should have got Best Supporting Actress and didn't)

as the gay couple and JP had an affair with the surrogate of her child (?Mark Ruffo)? Brilliant film!

Anyway, the film opens with them watching gay porn and one of their kids walking in. Hilarious. Along with the tortured explanation of why two lesbians would watch... - SAVE IT, MOM!!!

CiderWithDozy Mon 23-Sep-13 14:55:01

OP, I agree with what others have said that your DH will probably be delighted if this is presented to him in the right way. Sounds great news to me.

Also, how about watching what really turns you on before sex, just to make it all a bit easier when you guide him about what to do? (Personally, if I'm not in the mood but want to be, I sometimes sneak off to have a little look on my iphone before returning to DH more ready for action - or sometimes look with DH these days).

Also, I class myself as hetero and this is my experience relationship-wise, but basically all of the visual stimuli which turn me on are of women. Also involves, breasts, mostly.
And my sexual fantasies also revolve around other women. Actually, I'd be interested to know whether this is a common experience? (but this is OP's thread, so I should probably ask elsewhere).

Hope all goes well, OP. Enjoy yourself!

CiderWithDozy Mon 23-Sep-13 15:17:58

BTW I always wondered whether the findings from those experiments might just reflect the fact that women are better at empathising. See someone else turned on --> feel turned on yourself. Maybe it doesn't matter whether that's man, woman or other ape!

whyhavealltheobiviousnicknames Mon 23-Sep-13 16:51:55

Hi all, OP here.

Thank you all so much for the positive responses and for the advice on how to tackle DH. In particular, thanks to those who confirmed that being aroused by breasts does not necessarily make me gay/bi. I firmly believe that I am hetero and have only ever seen myself as having a relationship with a man. However I can't say images of penises (penii??) have ever particularly turned me on - the female form is much more arousing IME.

Anyhoo, I had a chat with DH and told him of my discovery. He's generally a strong silent type of chap so it didn't really start a big conversation but he did tell me he was glad he told me and we'll try to work on it in our sex life together in future. I think the last poster's suggestion of maybe using whatever stimuli necessary before sex with DH might make orgasm together more likely. We did have sex this weekend which was lovely (sans orgasm for me though) but it was before I had the guts to tell him, so we'll see how we do next time.

I understand the use of porn is distasteful to some posters, and previously to this would have totally felt the same. However I don't think erotica is right for me (unless anyone has any suggestions/recommendations?) I had a quick look online and it seemed very focussed on the end goal of penetration leading to orgasm. Obviously though that type of orgasm has never happened for me so I can't relate and it doesn't help me orgasm through masturbation. I accept though that the use of porn is not ideal and I do hope eventually not to need it at all.

Thanks again to all and thanks also for the congratulations!! I'm really chuffed with myself and delighted to finally experience this. If there is anyone out there reading this who is still an orgasm-virgin like I was, there is hope - I'm the proof, so keep trying! grin It's bloody great! [inane grin]

whyhavealltheobiviousnicknames Mon 23-Sep-13 16:52:44

2nd para - I told him, not he told me

internationallove985 Mon 23-Sep-13 21:00:26

Congratulation on your first orgasm. I hope it the first of many. xx

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now