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I wish I could die

(151 Posts)
notsostrong1985 Thu 19-Sep-13 22:12:30

I am sorry if my post offends anyone but I can't deal with my life anymore. I wish I could die.

I am a complete fuck up. I am a horrible nasty piece of shit and not worth the air I breath. If I didn't have my two children I would have killed myself by now. I wish I could die, I wish I was never born. I am a skinny rat, with nothing to offer and a whole fucked up personality. I have so many issues that I am trying to work through and these issues have completely fucked my life up. I am a control freak and a waste of space. My partner has left me for these reasons after 11 years of being together because I make his life hell. I struggle to deal with things that happened to me as a child and am currently having cognitive behaviour therapy which I thought would help but it has just made things worse as it has brought my past back up to the front of my mind and he can't deal with my moods as they make him mad. I have had to ring my manager at work today to tell him that I won't be coming back as my DP looked after the children and now he is gone and there is no one else. I am distort and a mess. My poor children, I have made their farther leave and he has said he is not coming back. I have messed everything up and there is no way back. I just wish I wasn't the person I am, I wish I could crawl under a stone and die

Hareseeker Thu 19-Sep-13 22:17:44

Handholding, I'm sorry you feel like this. Your situation sounds really difficult please keep talking.

saggyhairyarse Thu 19-Sep-13 22:21:37

Firstly, you said this is about issues you had as a child. These were not your fault and you are trying to find a way of moving forward, what more can you do? You should be proud of yourself for that and not least because you have put your children first and given up your job to care for them.

Obviously the end of the relationship is beyond difficult and is probably compounding everything else but you coped with those things as a kid and you will cope with this too.

Be kind to yourself, it is OK to fall apart but to then pick up the pieces and reorganise them. Talk to your kids and explain in basic terms how you feel and then try to use any support you have available to help you get through this.

notsostrong1985 Thu 19-Sep-13 22:23:03

Thank you for your replies. I don't know what to say I am just so upset

Chubfuddler Thu 19-Sep-13 22:25:17

Phone the Samaritans. You need actual real life help. Do you have a CPN you can contact? If you feel you are a danger to yourself you need to call 999.

You are not a piece of shit or any of those other things. You are ill and unhappy and you need help.

Hareseeker Thu 19-Sep-13 22:26:35

You can keep talking here or contact Samaritans online if the phone is not an option for you. It's late and you may not get many replies. How old are your children?

YoniMatopoeia Thu 19-Sep-13 22:27:17

Please call the Samaritans

bashifuku Thu 19-Sep-13 22:29:18

You poor thing. I don't know what to tell you other than I don't believe you're a piece of shit. Not for a second.

Holding your hand.

Hareseeker Thu 19-Sep-13 22:32:15

www.samaritans.org/
Please contact them on the link above, still holding your hand

notsostrong1985 Thu 19-Sep-13 22:32:16

Thank you for the hand holding. I really need that right now. My children are 1 and 3, two beautiful girls and they don't deserve this. I am not going to harm myself as they need me but if I didn't have them I would.
It was sexual, emotional and physical abuse from my childhood and I had counselling in 2010 for it and thought I had dealt with it. Started CBT this year to deal with the anger that was remaining but when she started talking about the sexual abuse, it brought it all back. I thought it was dealt with it all but I realised it still effects me. She says that this is where my anger comes from and if I report it, it could help me to recover. It was too much for my partner to deal with. It has been on my mind lately and because my mind it constantly busy, this shows on my face and he says he can't deal with it.

LondonNinja Thu 19-Sep-13 22:33:30

You are your children's mum and they love you. You're in a dreadful place at the moment but there is help out there.

Your therapist sounds like s/he has not given you any tools to manage dealing with the issues that are dominating your thoughts. This is not a failing on your part! CBT really shouldn't leave you feeling like this, OP.

Who can you talk to IRL? Do call for a doctor or The Samaritans as others have suggested.

You deserve help and support, so please seek it. This is a dark time for you - and your partner has hardly helped you by buggering off.

Handholding here, too.

something2say Thu 19-Sep-13 22:34:54

This is very common. It doesn't get alt with, you learn to love with it. I wonder if your partner couldn't deal with it and that may be why he left? Also it is completely normal to be this angry and I know how angry you are as it happened to me too. When the anger arises, do something with it. It won't last forever but it will for probably a few years. Yes years. And that's ok. A massive wound like you describe cannot be patched quickly. Can you buy a copy of the courage to heal, an amazing book for adult survivors of child sexual abuse. An absolute bible xxx hold on you're gone be alright. Xxx

AngelinaCongleton Thu 19-Sep-13 22:36:47

I'm so sorry you feel like this too. Bad childhood experiences are so difficult to deal as it is, but when things go wrong you have all this negative dialogue running through your head. Handholding. Please call the Samaritans.

curiousgeorgie Thu 19-Sep-13 22:38:26

Yes,. Please call the Samaritans.

It's much more common to feel like this than most people think. Xx

Hareseeker Thu 19-Sep-13 22:39:33

I have read your previous posts and you have been strong for so long. You are still that person. Two beautiful girls, how lovely. Have you eaten? Have you had some water/tea recently?
Can you contact someone in RL who can help you get some rest? Only you can decide if and when you want to take action about the abuse.

LondonNinja Thu 19-Sep-13 22:42:11

Channel your anger, OP.

It may help you to think along the lines of "I love my DDS, I am NOT going to let the people who abused me take more by making me feel my life is worthless. I am a loving mother. I will continue to be so. I will break the cycle. And the abuser(s) WILL lose their power."

Anger is normal. Do not turn it on yourself.

Your partner failed you by not coping. That is a reflection on him, not on you.

Come on. Be strong, change that username! You have already come through a lot, you know.

marriedinwhiteisback Thu 19-Sep-13 22:43:07

I am sorry for all you have been through and are going through and wish you didn't have to. I am really glad you have two beautiful children who will see you through and who you will give a loving, secure life to. You will make sure they are always safe and I think you are suffering from grief because you will never let them suffer what those around you let you suffer. That probably doesn't help and I'm sorry if it makes it worse.

You are not shit and you have your children and a whole new future that you will build to live for and to look forward to.

Love and hugs. cake thanks

LondonNinja Thu 19-Sep-13 22:43:39

Oh, and as for taking action - you only do it if it will help you - if and when you choose. No one has the right to pressure you.

WillowinGloves Thu 19-Sep-13 22:45:10

You say your beautiful little girls don't deserve this - well, you were once a little girl just like them and you didn't deserve what happened to you. Treat yourself with the same love and care that you have for them. Your little girls deserve you, the best that you can be, which will never be perfect - none of us ever are. 'Good enough' is all any of us can manage! But you and only you are their mother so hang onto that - you give them something no one else can give.

Counselling is always difficult because it brings issues that you have buried up to the surface; and it will take a long time to deal with them. Please talk to someone - you've been knocked sideways by a series of events and you need some support.

justmuddlingthroughit Thu 19-Sep-13 22:47:36

You are none of the things you are telling yourself you are. You do not deserve to feel this way, and what happened to you in your childhood has no bearing on your worth as a human being. The fact that you have been holding down a job and looking after two very young children while suffering from severe depression and possibly PTSD is astonishing, and deserving of everyone's respect.

Please please seek help; you've done brilliantly in putting your children first during a terrible time, but you need some real help for yourself. Get to your GP; most of them take this very seriously, and if yours doesn't, find another one. I've suffered with depression myself, and found CBT to be of limited help, but there are other things out there. Definitely call the Samaritans, for a listening ear as much as anything else. MIND is another organisation which may be able to point you in the right direction.

There is a lot of support here for you; keep talking to us, and I'm here if you want to pm me at any time.

cosydressinggown Thu 19-Sep-13 22:48:41

Remember that to your little girls, you are none of the ugly things you call yourself in your post. You are the centre of the universe. You are the protector, the nurturer, the first pair of arms they ever felt in the world. You are the one that they want with them on the best day of their life, and you are the one that they want to turn to on the worst. You are a tower of strength to them, and a guardian angel, and one day you'll also be their very best friend.

Please try to see yourself how they see you.

notsostrong1985 Thu 19-Sep-13 22:48:56

Thank you.
I am distort that he has left me. I thought he would support me but he said he wasn't coming back. He says that I have nothing to offer and he can get better. He says I am skinny, horrible, have big nose. A bitch, twat, cunt. You name it, that's what I am. He says I have boundary issues and control issues. He is right in a way as I am horrible as I have said some horrible things to him when he has called me names as I refused to cower to him. He says if I was with any other man they would have put me in hospital by now.

namechangeforareasonablereason Thu 19-Sep-13 22:48:58

you aren't any of those things you are a strong survior with 2 beautiful daughters

funny how your partner thinks you are so terrible but has left you with them, that would be because he knows you do a wonderful job of bringing them up, regardless of what he may say to your face

you may be better off speaking to a therapist in a place like this new pathways - they will help you whether you report or not

The anger and the rage is sadly normal considering what you have been through, I had to force myself to let go of hate, it gave the abuser too much power over me and took up space in my heart that should have been filled with love for my children - he didnt deserve my hatred

I am proud of you - you are a lovely, wonderful mummy - I am sure your daughters adore you

namechangeforareasonablereason Thu 19-Sep-13 22:49:22

He is an abusive cunt

LondonNinja Thu 19-Sep-13 22:50:36

I agree - plan a GP appointment for the morning if you can, if you have a good GP. If you need to at any time before that, ring 999 for help.

You are so worthy of support. You are a lovely, loving mum and have had such a lot to deal with - none of it your fault, do you hear??

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