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Can someone tell me if this is an unreasonable request from DH?

(46 Posts)
mojoawol Thu 19-Sep-13 13:29:00

DH doesn't like one of my friends, for a variety of reasons, but she's my friend, she's not a bad person, but he just doesn't like her.

He has asked that I make sure she is not in the house when he's in (whether popping in for coffee, glass of wine whatever). He's not trying to prevent me from seeing her (ie fine if she's here when he's not, or going out with her)

I've been trying to get my head round whether I would ever make that request of him (don't particularly dislike any of his friends, but still don't think I would make that kind of demand unless I thought they were bad people to have around the kids)

So, is this an acceptable request? Or unreasonable and slightly controlling?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 19-Sep-13 13:41:39

I'd say it was reasonable. As you say, he's not preventing you from seeing this person and he's not trying to drive her from your home by doing what some bullies do e.g. being offensive, but he's been totally up front about not liking her. Sounds like a fair compromise.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Thu 19-Sep-13 13:45:15

Sounds OK I think. Unless there is anything else which makes you think he's trying to control you?

JRmumma Thu 19-Sep-13 13:47:07

I think that's unreasonable to an extent. To ask that she only comes over when he is out in the main -fine. To expect you to throw her out if she is round having a coffee and hasn't quite left yet and you are expecting him home - not ok.

I have friends that i wouldn't invite round to spend an evening with me and dh as they are not his friends and he has no interest in them. And ill usually make plans to see them when he is not around, however i wouldn't be dictated to like that in my own home. I equally wouldn't ask that of him, but he also sees his friends that aren't also my friends when im not around. It just makes sense.

Capitaltrixie Thu 19-Sep-13 13:47:24

Tricky one, would be inclined to agree with Cogito that as long as he, in any way, is not trying to prevent you seeing her then it's not what I'd call 'controlling', he's kind of just being true to himself.

Some people hate play acting and it's obvious when they don't like someone, so he's avoiding a tense atmosphere maybe. I'd respect his wishes on this one if it were me (but secretly think 'but why can't they get along'!!)

I don't think it's unreasonable for one-on-one interactions or small groups, but if you and he were having a massive house party together I don't think she should automatically be excluded.

JoinYourPlayfellows Thu 19-Sep-13 13:50:02

I think it's his home and he shouldn't have to deal with people he doesn't like when he is there.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Thu 19-Sep-13 13:50:03

DH has the odd friend I won't have in the house - not close friends. One is a stoner who seems to have a very chaotic life and a dodgy group of friends so I don't feel comfortable around him.

What does your DH not like about your friend? It could help to see if he IBU.

DuelingFanjo Thu 19-Sep-13 13:50:36

Sounds ok but does depend a bit on the reasons why he doesn't like her.

AnyFucker Thu 19-Sep-13 13:52:25

Why does he want to make completely sure he is never in the same room as this woman in your presence ?

I have a suspicious mind, this would not sit right with me

Capitaltrixie Thu 19-Sep-13 13:56:07

That crossed my mind too AF <cynic>, what are his reasons OP?

VanitasVanitatum Thu 19-Sep-13 13:56:51

Probably fair enough to ask you to try and see her on nights when he's not in, but it's your home too so it would have to be within reason. Weird that he 'just doesn't like her' though.. Would definitely need to get to the bottom of that!

Pagwatch Thu 19-Sep-13 13:59:14

It really depends

If my dh didn't like one of my friends he might ask me to generally try to have her here when he isn't.
But if he told me she 'make sure she is not in the house' I would tell him that that was unreasonable and rude.

Which is it?

caramelwaffle Thu 19-Sep-13 14:00:12

Only reasonable depending on the reason.

meditrina Thu 19-Sep-13 14:05:15

My first thought was rather like that of AF - doth he protest too much?

But if you're easy on that score, then no I don't think he's BU. He's nt trying to control your social life outside the home or limit your going out. Nor is he seeking to control who you invite to your home. He's just asking you to respect that it's his home too, and when he's there, he doesn't want this other woman there too. That's fine, as long as it doesn't creep to include more and more people, and he doesn't overreact should he come home unexpectedly when she is there.

Another one for the bunch of cynics who immediately jumped to the same conclusion!

I think it's fair enough, as long as he wasn't expecting you to muscle her out of the door if he was expected home, as JRMumma said. Think it depends a bit on why. Have they ever crossed swords, does he disapprove of her lifestyle? Is your friend aware of his animus towards her?

mojoawol Thu 19-Sep-13 14:18:35

A couple of issues I think from his point of view, a few years ago she had a very tiny fling with DH's best friend. It was never going to be love's young dream and a couple of times afterwards she was a little dismissive of said friend when we were all together (which is surely always going to be a little awkward?)

And wouldn't the only way I have of making sure she gets out if DH is about to arrive home, be to tell her what he thinks of her? Or should I come up with some, lie basically?

Jan45 Thu 19-Sep-13 14:21:18

Well I think he is being unreasonable - his reasons for not liking her are just a personal preference, she hasn't actually done anything to him to cause the dislike, so hardly her fault.

To ask you to ensure she is not in your home when he is, is, a bit much I think, what if you can't help it, will he then punish you for not doing as he says?

Fair enough, he doesn't want to sit and chat to her, he doesn't have to, if she is in the house he only has to say hello to you both and then go off and do his thing - it's your home too!

I think he's put you in a really difficult situation and there appears to be no real need for it. I, too, would also be slightly suspicious at his over the top demand.

diddl Thu 19-Sep-13 14:24:41

When you say "fling"-do you just mean that they went out a few times & that neither were married?

Also-what does "dismissive" mean?

Is she's said some not nice things about him in front of him(?) & your husband, then I don't think she is very nice herself tbh & I think that your husband may have a point.

If he just doesn't happen to like her, then I think he needs to get over himself.

We don't all get on with everyone!

smilingthroughgrittedteeth Thu 19-Sep-13 14:26:04

dp has a friend that I really dislike, he is the kind of person that will try and shout you down if you disagree with him and always thinks he is right.

I have asked dp not to invite him around if I'm at home, he can invite who he wants when I'm out and I don't care if they go out for a drink etc just as long as I'm not expected to talk to him!

if I came home early and he was there I wouldn't expect dp to chuck him out and if he popped around unexpectedly I wouldn't stop dp inviting him in but I would occupy myself in a different room as I have no interest in pretending to be polite to someone I dislike in my own home.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable therefore I don't think your dh is as long as he isn't trying to stop you being friends.

It's a bit weird that he's only just now asking you to make sure he's not around when he is if these incidents are a couple of years in the past. Has something more recent triggered this request, such as a slightly awkward atmosphere upon coming home to find her in the kitchen, drinking coffee and disparaging his friend's manhood?

smilingthroughgrittedteeth Thu 19-Sep-13 14:32:58

I should say that I used to just ignore him until he started asking when I was planning on getting a proper job (I'm a nanny) and then proceeded to argue with me when I pointed out it is a proper job and I work bloody hard, that was the final straw I'd listened to his ill informed opinions for years and just snapped.

I told him myself why he isn't welcome so dp doesn't have to lie.

Jan45 Thu 19-Sep-13 14:41:01

Lol at Fetch

KellyElly Thu 19-Sep-13 14:47:00

I think he's unreasonable. I wouldn't want to be told when I could have a friend round just because my partner didn't like them. If there was a good reason then yes, but the way you're describing it there isn't really. He sounds a bit childish about it all.

Dahlen Thu 19-Sep-13 14:49:33

I agree with Pagwatch - if he's asking you to try to arrange things so that there is minimal contact between the two of them, that's perfectly reasonable IMO. If he expects her to go if he turns up, that's unreasonable.

It's home for both of you and therefore you both have equal say on who comes into it, while at the same time balancing that with respect for your partner. I'd humour his request to a point, but no more.

Not liking someone is enough grounds for the "keep it to a minimum approach" and requires no further explanation. "Never the two shall meet" is far more extreme and would require a much more reasoned explanation than an ill-fated fling with his mate (unless she really treated him badly). Most adults are capable of behaving politely and without creating an atmosphere if they have to cross paths with someone they dislike for a short period.

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