Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is he cheating? Don't know what to do.

(144 Posts)
chubbychipmonk Wed 18-Sep-13 19:43:18

Ok so for the last few weeks things have been really shit with me & DH.

Have a 3 year old & new baby & he is out at work all the time. Hardly see each other, I'm still off work.

For last few weeks his phone has been glued to his side & password changed. Asked him why changed & got the usual 'why you trying to look in my phone?' Etc. . Eh, because its been fucking glued to your side! Asked him outright if there was something going on, answers no.

I later realised I have access to his Facebook as I know the password. Nothing untoward until today at 4pm he had msg'd an ex (who I had no clue he was in contact with), 'Are you back yet?' There was also an arrow indicating that this was a reply message. No other messages.

They're not friends on Facebook either. He wasat a course today & didn't start work till 5pm, I phoned his work at 5.30pm& he was there. I know he was defo at his course too as people I know are on it. After I phoned his work he deleted the message.

Her Facebook page is private but her status says she lives in Singapore now but is from here.

Now my mind is running away with me thinking she's back from Singapore and just hasn't updated Facebook & that they're having an affair or that they've been texting / messaging each other.

Do I let on to DH that I know? He's gonna think I'm a stalking psycho. He's not due in from work till after midnight but I really want to ask him what's going on? Or do I wait & see if there's more messages? Or am I really reading too much into it? I really want to see in his phone now & see what's going on but I don't know the fucking password!

Sorry for rambling!

Fairenuff Sat 21-Sep-13 08:18:20

You owe your children a lot of things OP but this relationship is not one of them.

This relationship will teach them so many awful ways to behave. And they will think that is normal. And they will go out into the world and behave like that.

If you separate, you teach your children not to let someone else treat them badly. If someone loves them, they show it by what they say and how they behave. If someone does not behave in a loving, respectful, kind way towards them, then they are right to leave and find someone who really deserves them.

By staying together you are giving them a horrible message. Sorry to be so blunt but can you really not see what you are doing to them?

LondonNinja Sat 21-Sep-13 00:31:09

You do have to give it a try. Then, if things don't work, you will not be plagued by 'what if?' And - it may help your children to know you did all you could, but decided to walk away.

Obviously, though, I hope he sees sense and wakes up so you're treated well and are happy.

Fozziebearmum2be Fri 20-Sep-13 20:01:02

Best of luck op, you're both trying for the sake of your children which is commendable (for both of you) and hope it all goes well for you. thanks

Teeb Fri 20-Sep-13 19:53:28

Why do you owe your children this shit environment to grow up in? Don't pin this on them, it's down to you as adults to call it a day and split your marriage, you will still be their mother and he will still be their father regardless of you being married.

chubbychipmonk Fri 20-Sep-13 18:56:15

So we've talked again, he's given me the password for his phone & has agreed to counselling.

I think we both want to fix it, owe our children at least that. Not sure it's so easy though when trust has been questioned. hmm

MikeOxard Fri 20-Sep-13 14:32:10

What the hell are you doing getting pissy with the woman? The problem here is your oh, how disrespectful he is to you, how much of a twat he is, and how you two are not getting on. What will messaging her do to fix all that? Nothing, so get real. You two need councelling because your relationship is totally shit, and yet neither of you seems able to even identify the problem.

Phalenopsis Fri 20-Sep-13 14:09:02

Have read the whole thread Chipmonk and the only thing I can say is, you cannot save a marriage all on your own. Both of you have to want to save it and judging by your husband's actions, he really doesn't seem to give a fuck. As awful as it sounds, him changing the password and his 'she has found out about our convos' messages to her makes me feel he sees you as an encumbrance.

chubbychipmonk Fri 20-Sep-13 13:58:38

Thanks Fozzie, good advice.

Fozziebearmum2be Fri 20-Sep-13 10:27:45

Agree with pp, I wouldn't message ow. His loyalty is to you, so he's the person you have the issue with. Her husband knows all about it, and whilst I wouldn't be comfortable messaging an ex whether my husband knew about it or not, I'd stay away. Your issue is with your partner.

Your comment below that you both think 'your marriage is fucked' and that he's agreed to counselling sounds like he's reluctantly agreed? I maybe wrong?

I agree with you that having being brought up in a split family I would prefer for dcs not to experience it, but much prefer a split family (where parents can be civil for the sake of the kids and prioritise them) far far better than a toxic household. My parents stayed together for a couple of years for 'our sake' it did nothing more than upset us and give us a greater sense of relief when they eventually separated. Sorry to be blunt, but if the marriage is truly over its over...

If on the other hand you could try a few sessions of counselling then it might be worth seeing how it goes and if his heart is truly in it, before making the decision.

If you are going to make a go of it, and draw a line under what has gone before, I would ask him for his mobile and access to Facebook/emails not to keep, just for him to prove to you that he has nothing further to hide. I'm not meaning to keep them, just for you to look through and be satisfied there's nothing more. You could say that you are struggling to trust him and it would make you feel better. I don't think this would help long term (just a one off snoop) but looking (and his response) may be quite telling.

Wellwobbly Fri 20-Sep-13 07:09:08

Do NOT EVER let him know you have information. If you do, it just gets taken underground.

good luck with the MC. I for one have hope. Admit to the MC that neither of you had any role models for treating eachother with respect, and that you slip into power struggles and you would like to learn different.

Then, YOU try and learn that (without focussing on what he is doing). There is only one person you can control, and that is you. This will stand you in HUGE stead in the future whilst he is deciding whether to grow the fuck up or not

When you are in a quiet and trustful time after MC, that is the time to extremely calmly give him a huge, huge huge boundary about the deal breaker that is lying and affairs. Tell him that although small children are sh*t and everyone gets neglected, that it is a phase and you will never ever tolerate disrespect and deceit. Warn him very clearly that if he does this, he is choosing a divorce at that very moment. [I can absolutely time the end of my marriage. Even though I was 5000 miles away).

Maybe he will hear you. Maybe he won't. But it needs saying calmly and clearly. DO NOT BRING UP EX.

Scarletohello Thu 19-Sep-13 23:31:59

Sorry but after having read all the threads this sounds like a loveless marriage. Why are you with him OP..?

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Thu 19-Sep-13 23:17:18

Chubby I'm sorry to be so blunt but from what you've said about him an the way he behaves towards you, I don't think I'd want him as a role model for my sons. sad

There's a good chance they'll end up being like him to some degree. Do you want your boys to grow up thinking that it's ok for their father to speak to you like this?

He sounds horrible so why have him around your kids more than absolutely necessary?

Offred Thu 19-Sep-13 23:03:03

She isn't the problem it is him.

YellowTulips Thu 19-Sep-13 23:02:59

Your family is already split even if you live under the same roof.

His attitude is appalling.

He needs a wake up call.

Personally I would kick him out and tell him to stay with his mum until he is prepared to grow up.

chubbychipmonk Thu 19-Sep-13 23:00:51

I'm just all round gutted really.

Tonight I said again he has to MSG her & end all contact, he's not sure he's 'comfortable' with that idea because there's nothing going on & their just friends.

You can imagine my response! I really want to message her now & tell her to fuck off & stop messaging my husband.

Offred Thu 19-Sep-13 22:50:28

I don't think it matters what he is saying to her or to anyone else for that matter.

Listen to what he is saying to you.

Basically he is saying he has no respect for you and is setting you up to take the blame for any bad behaviour that results from that lack of respect.

GoingUpInTheWorld Thu 19-Sep-13 22:47:28

That tells me that hes making sure you don't see any messages between him and anyone else.

He's not planning on cutting contact with her.

chubbychipmonk Thu 19-Sep-13 22:38:20

He's changed the password on his Facebook.

samuraispider Thu 19-Sep-13 22:03:25

Agree with BellEndTent.

A rocket up his arse would do him the power of good me thinks. You are in control of the situation not him. He is blaming you for everything. Please don't up with this crock of shite.

LozzaCro Thu 19-Sep-13 21:30:15

My mum and dad didn't want our family to be split either - but even at the age of 13 I knew my mum was better without my dad in the picture. Kids are not stupid, and being in what appears to be a quite toxic relationship is a much worse place to be than having two parents in different houses who love the bones off them.
Technically, you already are a split family. You are no longer working together. I know the idea of it - or in fact even contemplating not being together - is terrifying. But in all honesty I would much rather be out of a relationship, than in one that you are describing sad

BellEndTent Thu 19-Sep-13 21:28:28

Ok he's got you exactly where he wants you. So ground down and worn out at home that he knows you won't leave and he can do exactly as be likes.

He doesn't like you right now op and he doesn't want you. He is lying to you, hiding things, being rude and thoughtless, chasing other women because he takes you for granted. Don't let him.

Go to your mum's, a friend's or insist he leaves for a while. Give him the shock of his life by taking charge of the situation and showing that you are not willing to accept this behaviour or trust me it will only get worse. He won't stop, his respect for you will diminish even more and his behaviour will get worse if you let this slide.

If you love him, make him remember that you are a person with feelings in your own right and put some distance between you. Let him miss you, let him see what his actions are risking and that you mean business.

I think he is probably hiding more. If he has told you everything there would be no need to hide his phone anymore would there? sad

The marriage is fucked but you don't want a split family?

If the marriage is fucked then you already are in a split family.

Wishing you strength op

totallydone Thu 19-Sep-13 21:12:45

It is so much better for your babies to have a happy mummy then live like this.

chubbychipmonk Thu 19-Sep-13 20:53:09

Not really. They messaged each other all day,

Along the lines of

'My wife found out we met up & went mental'

'Shit! Are you ok? How did she find out? Des she know we only went for a coffee?' Etc etc

Asked him when he came home if he'd had contact with her, he's said yes & pretty much relayed the conversation. He still doesn't realise I have access to his FB & can read every message.

Sat down tonight & 'talked'. Agreed marriage is fucked, no respect, nothing in common, no trust etc etc. We both come from broken homes however & don't want boys to have a split family. He's agreed to marriage counselling.

What more can I do? He still doesn't overly think he's in the wrong, I told his mum & she's livid although hasn't let onto him she knows yet, wanted me to sort it out first before she speaks to him.

I don't want my babies to have a split family but I really don't know if I want to be in this marriage anymore. I feel lost.

Fozziebearmum2be Thu 19-Sep-13 19:24:49

You okay op?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now