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Can't believe he's doing this!

(379 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread. Read here.

AuchAyethenoo Wed 18-Sep-13 09:26:16

I posted a last week about some financial issues I'm having with my dp, basically he works full time on a decent wage, I receive CTC, cb and maintenance for my eldest dc. I pay half of all the bills, mortgage etc plus buy all of the food and all of the children's clothes, activities etc, etc. This has, of course, caused major stress for me to the point that my mum takes me food shopping just to ensure we have food in the house for my children.

Yesterday he comes home telling me he has just found out his brother (9 years old) has rattled up a £700 bill on his x-box on his mothers credit card. That she has no money at all now. MIL is on benefits, I suggested she could contact DWP to apply for a loan for food and essentials and perhaps speak to her sons father to arrange buying food for them.

I've now found out that dp has given his mum about £300. I don't grudge his mum help for food, but what I am struggling with is that he has no issue giving his mum money but never has any to give to me for our children.

midgeymum2 Wed 18-Sep-13 11:54:22

Can you find out who the mortgage is with and how much the monthly payments are? I'd be interested to see how much of the monthly payments you are covering. I hope you are ok.

stowsettler Wed 18-Sep-13 11:55:36

Thank God you're finally doing something about thiat AuchAye.
I must have missed your update on the other thread, because I have been waiting to hear from you.
He's repulsive, abusing you financially and emotionally.
For God's sake, follow this through properly this time. I can't believe how much it upsets me that you and your DC are living like this.

Medal Wed 18-Sep-13 11:55:59

You don't feel like you are being abused? You have been without a coat in the winter due to lack of money. You are suffering undue stress with paying for things you shouldn't have to be. You have not got enough money to pay for winter essentials like coats and warm clothes for BOTH of your children. You have no record in writing of paying for your house even though you have contributed.

If you don't feel like you are being abused (and I struggle with that myself) then think of your children, please. Sorry if I sound harsh. I am so angry with your situation and feel awful for you.

Medal Wed 18-Sep-13 11:57:50

Cross post with Pachacuti sorry. I hope you can see from all these posts that this is not acceptable behaviour to you and your children.

DameFanny Wed 18-Sep-13 12:04:01

I lived with an emotional abuser. He put me down all the time, made life hell if I wanted to see my own friends and family, told me I didn't make enough effort, told me if I were a nicer person he wouldn't have to keep putting me right etc etc.

I didn't feel abused - I was still going to work, earning money etc etc. it was just that I could go to a team night out or whatever because the nagging was so life-sucking.

And then a couple of times I caught myself thinking, mid-argument, "oh for god's sake just hot me so I can leave" (his body language was getting more violent, raising hands etc)

It took a few weeks after that, but I left. Never looked back. Still hoped he died from something long and painful though.

skyeskyeskye Wed 18-Sep-13 12:04:48

If the mortgage is in his name, you should NOT be paying half of it. Never ever pay on a mortgage that you dont have a claim on. When my XH first moved into my house, he paid half of everything except the mortgage and I continued to pay that on my own so that he had no claim on the house.

Can you prove you have been paying half of the mortgage? If you can, then you might have some sort of claim if it were to be sold. I see that you have been giving him cash, but if you can prove the regular withdrawal each month.

Can you sit down and make a list of the bills and food costs etc, so that you can show how much that cost each month and the balance was towards the mortgage? He should also be paying for half of the food costs and clothing. Are all the DC his? If some aren't, then is that why he doesn't want to pay for their food and clothes? But when you move in with somebody with a child, you are taking on that child as your own surely... and would help to pay for things that maintenance doesnt cover. (may not be the issue here I know).

If he is saying that he can sell the house and make you homeless then he is saying that you have no claim on the house. Therefore, that obviously means that you should not be paying the mortgage.

You really do need to get some legal advice.

Whatever happens, do not give him any more money, make sure that the CB and WTC are in an account in your name only that he cant touch.

Chyochan Wed 18-Sep-13 12:04:56

Throwing it all back on you is the oldest trick in the book, dont fall for it.
It seems hes not only financialy abusive but emotionaly abusive too.

'by leaving I am putting myself before our children'
He got to be fucking having a laugh with this!
So what is he doing when he spends all the family money on himself then?
Sorry but what an a**hole.
In truthy I think the only option you have now is to organise the practicalities of leaving him.
Then ask him straight if he wants to be in a relationship with you.
If he claims he does then you just have to tell him how its going to be (beforehand write out a fair financial plan for everyone in the family), and any deviation, now or in the future, will mean you and the kids are out the door.

DameFanny Wed 18-Sep-13 12:07:42

Oh, I volunteered for womens aid for a while. It wasn't uncommon for people to forget the exact details of physical injuries they'd suffered, but remember for ever the emotional wounds - the cruel words, the threats, the feeling worthless.

You are worth so much more than this.

Ratatouille1977 Wed 18-Sep-13 12:09:24

This makes me feel sick, what an arsehole that man is sad

namechangeforareasonablereason Wed 18-Sep-13 12:11:16

give up on the house, if you have been paying cash, then you will end up spending a lot on a solicitor for nothing, but get a new account, leave him to pay bills and mortgage while you sort out children, save for a deposit on a flat or a house and get out

remember he will HAVE to pay CSA assessed maintenance whether he likes it or not

Feckssake Wed 18-Sep-13 12:13:42

You walk for 40 minutes with two kids strapped to you, with a heart condition, because you can't afford a bus.Your mum had to buy you a coat. Your kids have no winter coats.

Your children are suffering and you are living the life of American eighteenth century slave. Yes, really. Not having warm clothes, struggling to feed your kids, having to walk everywhere because you can't afford transport. These are your own words.

Is that acceptable to you? Is it acceptable for your children?

No. I didn't think so. And I think you know that. So forget all the words in between. Just look at the facts of your everyday life and decide that they are simply not acceptable. Make the break.

Walkacrossthesand Wed 18-Sep-13 12:14:44

Do you feel strong enough to stop feeding him as well? If he wants food, he can buy it/contribute to the cost of the food shopping.

filee777 Wed 18-Sep-13 12:15:47

I would sod the money you've put into the house, let the miserable cunt wallow in his house and get your children to a better place. It will be the best money you've ever spent.

You are NOT a fraud.
I've been shocked at the abuse you are suffering on a daily/hourly basis.
This man is the model for your children's futures! Seriously, it's that simple.
If you want them to be like this man or put with the crap of a man like this as you do, then you can choose to stay.
I know from your posts though, that you are almost ready to get out.
From all of our responses, you must be starting to realise the awful abuse this man has put upon you for years!
Time to make that plan - well done for calling WA.
They will see this for what it is - ABUSE!!! And hopefully they can get you out safely and with lots of support.
Keep strong and keep going!

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Wed 18-Sep-13 12:17:45

I would call it physical abuse to deliberately not buy your kids the winter clothes they need. That's what he's doing. If you don't think you're being abused (and actually I think you are) then your kids certainly are.

peggyundercrackers Wed 18-Sep-13 12:26:18

i think you need to go through all his paperwork to find out who the mortgage provider is, get his bank details and make copies of all the paperwork. then i would stop buying food for the house, i would not pay half the mortgage or half of any the other bills come to that, just tell him you have no money - he can scream and shout but what else can he do? if he does anything else phone the police. i wouldnt let him go to the football - i would force him to come shopping for the kids so he knows how expensive things are.

but given your other posts i dont think he will listen - the only way it will stop is if you leave him.

LookingThroughTheFog Wed 18-Sep-13 12:28:05

Surely this is for women in physical danger?

It's for women who need help, but have no other way to access it. If you had the money to afford a solicitor, you'd be doing that. You need legal advice and have nowhere else to get it.

AuchAyethenoo Wed 18-Sep-13 12:45:13

He says he doesn't have enough money to pay the bills himself.

He just put £1000 down payment on a new car.
Gave his mum £300.
Received an insurance payment of £800 due to a leak in the bathroom (we already replaced the floor which I payed half of).
WE were given £500 (£250 each) from his dad which I never saw.

Yet I literally can't buy food to feed our children.

medhandthekiddiesvtheworld Wed 18-Sep-13 12:47:09

What did Womens Aid say

Womens aid is for women who are suffering any kind of abuse - physical, emotional, financial; that they can't live with and want to get away from.

No, you don't feel abused. Many don't. There are threads on here all the time from women who don't feel they are being abused and then slowly through the thread the scales fall from their eyes.

You are being shockingly abused. He is taking half the mortgage payments from you to pay for a house in which you have no legal rights (sadly I learned this from experience). I only got a share of my xp's house because I could prove with a copy of the cheque, that I had paid for the central heating and windows, and this is classed as adding to the value of the house and therefore entitled me to a share of its value.

The maintenance for your elder child is being used to subsidise your 'd'p being able to spend all his own wages on himself. It should be used to provide for your eldest.

Move out, get housing benefit, tax credits, CB, and go through cb for maintenance for the other children.

its no wonder he wants you to stay - he only has to pay half his mortgage and bills and no expenses for the children. If you leave he has to pay full mortgage and bills, and maintenance.

I've never said this before on mumsnet but -
L. T. B.

filee777 Wed 18-Sep-13 12:51:34

You need to stop giving him money, if you have stopped giving him money then you have enough to sort the children out for now?

Prepare to move yourself out into a little house somewhere else, just do it, don't engage with him, don't give him anymore money.

It sounds like your mum might be able to help you with that, pay some of the deposit or whatever. There is no point engaging with him, just leave. Take as much furniture as you can.

AuchAyethenoo Wed 18-Sep-13 13:04:13

W.A agreed and was actually shocked at the level of abuse (wow, that was hard to type) that is going on. She said something that has really shocked me, this is going to get worse.

This is my normal relationship, I don't find it strange or emotionally hard to deal with, it just is. But it's not normal is it? This has become so normal that I feel that I would be leaving for very little reason. That's what I'm struggling with most.

When (yes, absolutely when, not if) I do leave, when I tell him, he's going to make it seem like (and make me feel like) I'm leaving for nothing.

Longdistance Wed 18-Sep-13 13:05:09

I bet you've been fully covering the mortgage, and not half. It wouldn't surprise me if he's pulled the wool over your eyes.

Go searching for paperwork around the house, and make copies op. Don't give a hint as to what you're doing. Make sure he's out, and do it then.

medhandthekiddiesvtheworld Wed 18-Sep-13 13:06:54

you will be leaving to make a better life for your children

Abuse like this is insidious in its onset and many women do not recognise such abuse particularly in the early stages through no fault of their own. You have become conditioned to it, it is currently your normal.

You would not be leaving him and with your children in tow for no good reason. Abusers like your man have a great knack in making it all out to be the other person's fault as indeed is the case here.

You now know differently, you need to take that knowledge forward and make plans to leave this man before he destroys you and by turn your children emotionally as well as financially.

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