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Can't believe he's doing this!

(379 Posts)

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AuchAyethenoo Wed 18-Sep-13 09:26:16

I posted a last week about some financial issues I'm having with my dp, basically he works full time on a decent wage, I receive CTC, cb and maintenance for my eldest dc. I pay half of all the bills, mortgage etc plus buy all of the food and all of the children's clothes, activities etc, etc. This has, of course, caused major stress for me to the point that my mum takes me food shopping just to ensure we have food in the house for my children.

Yesterday he comes home telling me he has just found out his brother (9 years old) has rattled up a £700 bill on his x-box on his mothers credit card. That she has no money at all now. MIL is on benefits, I suggested she could contact DWP to apply for a loan for food and essentials and perhaps speak to her sons father to arrange buying food for them.

I've now found out that dp has given his mum about £300. I don't grudge his mum help for food, but what I am struggling with is that he has no issue giving his mum money but never has any to give to me for our children.

something2say Wed 18-Sep-13 09:28:13

I think that these days, men expect mothers to pay for the children. They want you to use every penny you earn from benefits or part time work to pay your equal half of the bills, end they get to keep everything they earn.

To me this is a feminist issue. Your partner is out of order.

Change or leave?

roath Wed 18-Sep-13 09:30:33

Have you spoken to him about this? Not about the fact he gave his mum money but that you can't afford to buy things for your family. Does he know you're struggling and that your mum buys your food shopping at times?

I don't understand why people come on here to discuss with strangers that their partners aren't helping out financially instead of actually speaking to their partners about it.

KikiShack Wed 18-Sep-13 09:35:57

I am genuinely baffled whenever I see posts like this. Surely all income is family income when there are children involved, and all child expenses come out of that joint income?

I can see the value of each having personal money too, but IMO that should be an equal amount for each partner, again taken from the joint pot.
I simply wouldn't accept anything else.

Who are these men who think women should pay for children themselves as though they're an indulgent hobby? I am so glad my DP isn't one, but I wouldn't still be with him if he was, to me that's an unacceptable view. It does seem common though from reading MN.

AuchAyethenoo Wed 18-Sep-13 09:45:03

Yes, I have spoken to him several times about this, he either tells me he's too tired to talk, he doesn't have any money to give me, or that I knew and accepted the arrangements before we moved in together.

I apologies for my post if it's not acceptable. I don't have anyone else to speak to, I don't have any friends and my mum would make the situation worse if she knew the extent of it.

Hegsy Wed 18-Sep-13 09:53:59

auchaye I remember your last post and I can't believe you are no further forward sad this man is financially abusing you. I don't know what else to say to you. He is never going to talk to you about this because you have always accepted the 'status quo' that he has put in place. This is unfair on you and your children and even more unfair on your mum who is effectively supporting you and your partner.

What would your partner do if your mum stopped taking you shopping? I'm pretty sure he wouldn't go hungry but would you and the children???

KikiShack Wed 18-Sep-13 09:55:41

Sorry, I didn't mean your post isn't acceptable- far from it, you're in a shitty situation because of his weird views. I just genuinely don't get how men can seriously think this is a sensible humane way to behave in relationships.
I think reading countless threads like this really hammer home to me the point my mum made about why Child Benefit had to be universal and paid to the mum. I'm sure there are plenty of homes where the man earns over 60k and refuses to give his OH enough to sensibly live on.

What do these men need all their money for, if not to keep their entire family at the same level of living?
I realise I'm oversimplifying by saying 'men', it can be women earners with SAHDs or partners who earn less, so apologies for lazy shorthand.

Tuppenceinred Wed 18-Sep-13 09:59:40

I wouldn't be able to live with someone who was like that. There's a fundamental lack of respect and care for you and your children. Do you have any children together? I just wonder what he adds to your life.

catsmother Wed 18-Sep-13 10:04:35

Hold on - so even though you have LESS money than him you pay MORE of the household expenditure ? WTF ?!?

Did you "know and accept the arrangements" before you moved in together ? In other words, did he explicitly say to you that he would pay half the bills and mortgage ONLY and that you would also pay half the bills and mortgage PLUS ALL the food for EVERYONE, and buy ALL the children's clothes etc.

I find that very hard to believe.

You don't need us to tell you this is absolutely fundamentally wrong. The children are every bit as much his responsibility as yours and why the fuck does he consider himself so fucking superior that you should be pleased to feed him ?

If he really is stonewalling you over this and refuses to speak to you I'd be speaking to CAB and/or a solicitor instead. Chances are that you would be a lot better off without him and he would fucking well HAVE to pay you maintenance in respect of the children who are his. This shouldn't be about you feeling grateful if he ever deigns to toss you a few pounds, nor about feeling hard done by because he gives his mum money (though of course it goes without saying that you should take priority) because ALL the household income should be combined, and ALL the household expenditure taken out and then joint decisions made about what happens to any money left over. Failing that, if he's insistent upon "his" money - as he seems to be - then at the very least, bills and all other expenses should be divvied up as a proportion of your respective incomes.

However, I really do think you'd almost certainly be better off without him. What sort of "man" would see his kids go hungry and rely upon his MIL to ensure they don't ?

This is financial abuse OP.

catsmother Wed 18-Sep-13 10:08:40

(Yes Kiki, your point about CB is something which worried me when it was brought in. The govt assumes that high earners will allow their partners to access money fairly - not all of them do of course, and I'm sure there must be women (it's most often women) who are struggling a great deal more since that rule was brought in. In such households the financially abusive higher earner is hardly likely to let their partner keep claiming CB and then repay it through their tax code are they ?)

Sorry for hijack ...

AuchAyethenoo Wed 18-Sep-13 10:10:35

I genuinely thought I had made a break through, I pinned him down and explained exactly how bad things were for me, he kept trying to put the conversation off, but I insisted. Then on Saturday I told him that the kids need new clothes (have done for months). His dad and step mum were coming to visit so he said he would go to the bank and give me money for them.

He and his dad left for football and he told me he had left the money out for me, I went to go get it, £40 to buy 3 children winter coats and clothes. He said he didn't realise how much things cost (as he stood there in his £300 Hugo boss wool coat). He said that was literally all the money he could afford to give me as I hadn't paid my share of the bills yet.

Then magically finds a few hundred to give his mum. I'm getting angry!

When I try to speak to him about it he becomes defensive and verbally aggressive, I end up giving up, I'm sat there holding my baby while he's throwing his arms about animated.

mistlethrush Wed 18-Sep-13 10:11:36

Throw him out, claim maintenance from the CSA and you'll be so much better off. He really is completely unreasonable.

You got a lot of good advice last time and it seems you have tried to talk to him.
He isn't listening - he's still abusing you.
You know what you need to do.
You will be much better off financially and won't be struggling as much.
Get out and get all your benefits and get his child maintenance.
He won't like that one bit then maybe he'll decide he's ready to talk about the situation.
You need to take some positive action now! For you and your children.
Go to CAB and Women's Aid and see what help and support they can offer you.
Do it today!!! Stop putting up with this - it's madness.
Look at your relationship. What does he give you? Love? Support? Laughter? Fun? Happiness?
He sounds completely draining and totally disrespectful to you and your DC needs.
Come on. Get that strength and start the ball rolling to get better financial support for you and your children. That is your responsibility now as he won't help you at all!

Hegsy Wed 18-Sep-13 10:21:17

£40 for coats and boots for 3 kids shock even if you could get that what kind of quality does he think they'll be?????

You'll be better off financially and emotionally without him, if I remember rightly you aren't even on the mortgage are you? He's massively ripping the piss. You and your poor children are being treated like second class citizens. I would be making my exit plans Auch seriously

AuchAyethenoo Wed 18-Sep-13 10:22:30

It's the doubt that he puts upon me that stops me, when I speak to him and say how desperately unhappy I am, he turns it back on me, that I put unachieveable tasks on him, I put him down etc. I end up questioning myself, am I being unreasonable, is it my fault, are my expectations too high.

At points when I have made up my mind that the relationship is over, he insists that it is myself that causes the unhappiness that if I tried a bit harder to not be miserable things would be better. That by leaving I am putting myself before our children, which I guess I would be.

Hegsy Wed 18-Sep-13 10:24:17

No auch by buying himself a fucking £300 coat and expecting you to clothe the kids on £40 HE is putting HIMSELF before the children. You would be doing them a favour by getting out.

He sounds like a manipulative twunt! You are not the unreasonable one in this relationship!!!

AuchAyethenoo Wed 18-Sep-13 10:25:29

I haven't given him any money this month, things are decidedly nasty between us. He continues to ask for money, I'm standing my ground.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Wed 18-Sep-13 10:28:39

How could you be putting yourself before the children by leaving, when you would be doing so because want to give them the things they should have, like winter coats? He doesn't want to clothe them properly! So who is putting themselves before the kids, you or him?

Tell him if you had the money to live on properly you would not be miserable. It is him who is causing this and he should be ashamed of himself as a father who refuses to look after his kids properly. Do his family know he does this?

Don't doubt yourself any more. Your kids will be better off if you split because then he will have to pay more than he does now and they will get their winter coats that their father - a disgrace - doesn't want to buy them.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Wed 18-Sep-13 10:29:59

Tell him if he can afford to give his mother money but not you, then you need to keep your own because your kids need it, since he won't support them.

mistlethrush Wed 18-Sep-13 10:36:01

By leaving you would be thinking of your children - and putting their needs first - they need food, proper clothes etc - and their father is denying them that. Separating would mean that you would suddenly be able to meet their basic needs.

EldritchCleavage Wed 18-Sep-13 10:39:38

He's lying. He can afford to feed and clothe his children, he just doesn't want to. Sadly I think your only options are: (i) accept this; or (ii) leave him.

gamerchick Wed 18-Sep-13 10:41:25

Really glad to hear you're standing your ground. Don't give in.

AuchAyethenoo Wed 18-Sep-13 10:44:14

The house is in his name, if we split the dc and I would be homeless.

Last week we had a flaming row over him not making appropriate arrangements to come to our baby daughters medical assessment, I was livid and told him I'd had enough, he then threatens to call our estate agent to put the house on the market. It's the first time he's ever said it, but it definitely worried me, if he did sell the house, the dc and I would be homeless and I wouldn't be entitled to a penny despite having paid half the mortgage for the past 5 years.

I'm pretty screwed in that respect.

AuchAyethenoo Wed 18-Sep-13 10:47:52

I'm not in a position to save an exit fund as I struggle to buy the basics to feed the dc, come Friday I don't have enough money to get dd2 to nursery so end up putting both in slings (one on my front and one on my back) and walking the 40 minutes to nursery. He knows I do this, but says it good exercise for me (I have a heart condition).

gamerchick Wed 18-Sep-13 10:55:54

Do you think he's keeping you skint on purpose?

Is there no legal way you would have rights put in place.. tell him you're not paying any more on the mortgage until it happens? (I don't know anything about that sort of thing). There must be a way to get out if you needed to.

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