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Realize I don't want to be married any more

(175 Posts)
butterballs9 Tue 17-Sep-13 16:18:29

That's it really. My children are nearly grown up. I've become more interested in my appearance and look good for my age with a well toned body (that sounds boastful but it's true and the result of much hard work). I get on perfectly well with my husband but I realize I am interested in other men. I just don't find him that sexually attractive any more. I feel mean saying that but it's true. He's a good guy and and a great Dad so I feel very selfish admitting that I wish I was free.

Anyone else out there in the same boat? I have felt like this for years but never done anything about it (apart from the odd flirtations when out with friends). Outsiders looking in on our marriage would think it was perfect - we don't argue, we get on , we have shared interests and so on. In other words he is a great companion.

But the spark is no longer there and now that the children are older the shared parenting role is far less important than it was.

I have gone through all the options in my mind for years. Divorce is such a hassle and so expensive. I don't think I could handle the stress of an affair and I would feel too guilty. I suppose I could try to get my husband to agree to an open marriage but - why would he want to? He is not interested in other women (the irony of this given that a lot of my friends' husbands are!!)

I'm really interested in hearing from others who are experiencing or have experienced a similar thing. I have had a bit of counselling and maybe that would be an option - but I know that I would be telling the counselor what I am saying here - except that seems quite cruel. Compared to some of the horror stories on here, my problem does not really seem like a problem at all. Except that it is - to me.

Jan45 Tue 17-Sep-13 16:30:49

Can't advise re being in a similar situation but I will say go for it, your husband will thank you in the long run for not staying with him out of duty but because you actually wanted to be with him. You've no doubt had a long and successful relationship, you want to close the chapter on that book, that's fine, open up a new one now.

....and well done for not being the normal married person who has an affair, in fact most of my married friends are, the ones who live together don't, go figure that one lol.

Get out, life is too short.

Karbea Tue 17-Sep-13 16:46:11

It is understandable that after such a long time the spark has gone. True love isn't a spark, it's getting on, shared interests etc.

What do you plan to do? Be single and jump from one spark to another spark now that you are older? Or would you plan to settle down again when you met someone else?

I was married to a lovely man but the spark went and I was naive to think that, leaving was the best thing to do. I was then single for nearly 4 years dated a lot and met lots of idiots, some of whom I had spark with. I'm now married to a lovely man and after 3 years of marriage we still of course have spark, but I love the fact that our love is comfortable and I feel like I could rely on him when I get older to look after me etc.

I think I was childish and stupid not to work at my first marriage and very lucky I got a second chance.

If you have a good man hold onto him and love him.

butterballs9 Tue 17-Sep-13 16:54:17

There is a big lack of sexual chemistry, on my side. And if I am honest the sexual chemistry was never especially strong, but he had lots of other qualities and I knew he would be a fantastic father. I would never marry again however much 'in love' I was. I just think it complicates things. In an ideal world, I would probably have a few relationships on the go at once. I got married when I was quite young and just feel that I missed out on the whole 'dating' scene. Believe me, I have put a lot into the marriage.

Offred Tue 17-Sep-13 17:10:54

I am in the same boat. We are negotiating a separation. I've had a thread about it called 'he won't accept it is over'

Jan45 Tue 17-Sep-13 17:30:42

True love is a spark as well as getting along otherwise you're basically just pals sharing a house together. I've been with my partner 12 years and the spark is alive and kicking and I'd expect it to be in another 12 years time, at least until I can't function any more!

It's not just about having a good man, the man has to excite you, turn you on and make you feel like you don't want anyone else.

You are not being cruel, you have given him the best years of your life and it's been successful.

You want to move onto another phase in your life that doesn't include him, well not romantically anyway, there is nothing wrong with that. I'd not waste any more time, if you really want to separate then do it, life is far too short and you may end up resenting him out of your own lack of doing anything about your true feelings.

arsenaltilidie Tue 17-Sep-13 18:05:36

The script:
Men get a bit of attention from the outside and start comparing their wife unfavourably to the mistress and cheat.
The wife suddenly becomes a nag, she's a bit irritating.

Women get a bit bored with the predictable husband and they go elsewhere to find a bit of drama.
They somehow convince/justifies themselves there was never a spark in the first place, it's been going on for years hmm.

Its sad really.

Let go your DH and I bet if he is a good guy he will be snapped up in no time and the reality of what you are doing will sink in.

forehead Tue 17-Sep-13 18:07:41

Agree with Arsenal

Offred Tue 17-Sep-13 18:08:40

Are you on the wrong thread arsenal?

This op hasn't gone anywhere for excitement!

magicturnip Tue 17-Sep-13 18:12:24

Personally I suspect that your fantasy of what life on the other side is like will not be fulfilled. I know someone who did what you did and just found themselves sitting in alone with the tele a lot rather than the excitement and thrilling sex with lots of dashing types that they had so fondly imagined.

AnyFucker Tue 17-Sep-13 18:16:16

Is there a particular someone that has caught your eye, OP ? Be honest.

magicturnip Tue 17-Sep-13 18:16:56

Btw, the dating scene really isn't all that. In fact it kinda sucked when I was on it, lots of freaks and weirdos as the decent chaps were long gone. From the stories from my single friends it seems to have got even worse...

I was mighty glad to find my own decent chap at last and leave the dating scene behind.

ofmiceandmen Tue 17-Sep-13 18:23:03

Why does something tell me there is already someone that's turned you head?

someone you flirted with who suddenly brought on the realisation that you are unhappy.

The myth - we are unhappy then we look else where.
Reality- we look elsewhere then realise we are unhappy

Then again you have already convinced yourself that HE is the problem. so I guess the chances of you finding joy within him is almost non existent. funny how that works.

So I guess he has served his purpose.

you got to share the bills and share the childcare and now that it's not required anymore you can go of back to fun and a life without him.

Have you actually tried to immerse him into this world of fun you so desperately crave? have you tried to break the pattern of predictability and got him to see the other racier side of you.
You may be surprised that he too is feeling the boredom and craves for life to get more exciting now that you both have time.

ofmiceandmen Tue 17-Sep-13 18:24:35

x post with AF . I think I prefer her direct approach

Ezio Tue 17-Sep-13 18:31:51

The grass aint greener on the dating scene, its boring and tediously draining, i wish i had what you had.

Offred Tue 17-Sep-13 18:34:07

What's going on? Have I missed another thread or something? Is it hard to believe that sometimes people just grow apart?

magicturnip Tue 17-Sep-13 18:42:52

Op didn't say they had drifted apart offered Sounded more like she just wants some hot sex and is imaging a youth that never was.

I also dn't agree with the line that you are just good friends if you can't keep hands off each other. My relationship with dh is much deeper, richer and more connected and intimate than with a friend regardless of how much sex with have, and I think that is pretty normal.

Offred Tue 17-Sep-13 18:46:28

It didnt really read any of those ways to me but I think it isn't comparable to your situation, which you are happy with. It reads to me as though the op feels the relationship is just companionship and wants more than that (not just about sex). Either way, op says she isn't happy with her relationship. Not sure if it matters if she has got her eye on someone.

Offred Tue 17-Sep-13 18:47:08

Some of the posts seem a little like they are implying a woman cannot know her own mind and must flit from man to man.

sincitylover Tue 17-Sep-13 18:55:23

Women don't have to be married you know or immediately find someone else to be in a relationship with.

If OP and her husband split it would be perfectly possible to have a fulfilling life with or without a partner.

When my children have grown I have a long list of things I want to do with my life. I am divorced and not currently in a relationship and actually could forsee that the long list of things I have planned might be stifled or held back if I were to be in a live-in relationship.

OP said she got with her husband when young and it is therefore perfectly reasonable that things change.

ImperialBlether Tue 17-Sep-13 19:05:19

I wonder how realistic you are. The fact of it is that there are very very very few nice single man once you're out of your 30s. The idea of you having several relationships on the go at once is laughable really. For one thing it relies on the men wanting that as well. For another where are these men? I wonder whether having lost weight and got let you know have a completely unrealistic view of the world. Why don't you spend an evening on plenty of fish. It's also known as plenty of freaks by the way so be warned. I'm not saying stay with your husband. It sounds like he would make somebody a really lovely husband. However please please don't think that your life is going to be amazing once you've divorced. Why don't you ask a few single friends what it's really like?

ImperialBlether Tue 17-Sep-13 19:06:22

Sorry for any mistakes. I'm dictating this into my iPhone!

AnyFucker Tue 17-Sep-13 19:25:57

I think it's a fair question to ask if a particular someone has caught her eye, or whether it is an imagined long list of potential hot men she thinks is out there.

A quick browse on the dating threads will tell you that really isn't the case.

Either way, I think she should do both herself and her husband a favour and end her marriage with dignity. Nobody is forced to stay in a relationship that isn't suiting them. Speculating about how all her friend's husbands seem to be up for it seems a trifle inappropriate though.

LillianGish Tue 17-Sep-13 19:26:20

My reading of your situation is that since you started taking more of an interest in your appearance you are wondering if you could do better. Possibly you could, but ask yourself what does better actually mean? You say he is a good guy and a great father and that you have lots of shared interests - I know a lot of single women who would swap places with you in a flash. I would also bear in mind that your almost grown-up children (what does that mean?) might not take too kindly to your dumping their dad. - not a reason to stay with him, but something else to consider. As others have said, no reason for any of us to get married or stay married, but it must have mattered to you once so I just wonder what's changed?

OP, a family friend was in your position several years ago, i.e. husband who was her best friend but whom she no longer fancied. However, she decided to get round this by shagging other people over the last 15 years or so of their marriage (precise numbers unconfirmed but in double figures). Finally, 5 years ago she fell in love with one of her conquests and 3 years ago told her husband she wanted a divorce. He was, as you can imagine, not best pleased that she'd wasted his middle years stringing him along so that she could have all the advantages of marriage and all the advantages of being a teenager, basically.

Needless to say, things are so acrimonious between them that things like the kids' graduation ceremonies and weddings have been incredibly difficult. He says if she'd just talked to him about it 15 years ago, it would have hurt but they could ultimately have remained friends and mutually respectful co-parents.

So for what it's worth, as long as there really isn't someone waiting in the wings, I think you're approaching things in the right order.

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