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AIBU to be annoyed at DH

(277 Posts)
MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 20:16:52

I have a 13 week old who screams all evening, 3-4 hours almost solidly, she has done this for weeks. She also has reflux which is controlled pretty well during the day but this screaming often sets off a vomit fest.

I have PND and anxiety and basically just hate being alive right now and this screaming doesn't help.

DH often works late (to 11pm) but after me calling him home in tears several times his boss allowed him to change his hours so he could work earlier and get home at a normal time. This happened for one week, DH has now switched his hours (by choice, not his bosses say-so) to working till 11pm EVERY FUCKING WEEKDAY hmm

I am on day one of this and the baby is screaming right now and I am feeling like he has done this on purpose so he doesn't have to deal with it and I can't see past the next 3 hours let alone doing this every day for the next however many years.

I have no other local support and he knows this. I fucking hate him right now and I feel like telling him to not bother coming home. I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by this incessant noise and stress but I don't want to see his face after he has done this to me.

She will be angelic when he comes home so he is of no use to me then.

Offred Thu 19-Sep-13 13:21:56

You can get a deduction of earnings order but only after repeated failure to pay. It took from march to December of my x failing before I got money but it took the arrears into account.

MisselthwaiteManor Thu 19-Sep-13 17:25:15

Thank you for that info

Hmm... he has changed his hours back and has just offered to take time off to give me a chance to get away hmm I wouldn't leave the baby alone with him I think he's scared of me taking her and I'm worried that this is a plan to take her first? Or am I majorly cynical and he's trying to make amends? What do you think? He seems to have genuinely listened to my argument today and isn't smart enough to formulate such a plan but still... I don't know.

MisselthwaiteManor Thu 19-Sep-13 17:55:19

"I promise that whenever you need something I will do it, cook for you, let you take naps"

He's texting me he's at work.

AnyFucker Thu 19-Sep-13 18:01:13

You are falling for the sweet talk again then. Deja vu. < deep sigh >

MisselthwaiteManor Thu 19-Sep-13 18:05:00

I'm not falling for anything just trying to make sense of what he's doing now.

LookingThroughTheFog Thu 19-Sep-13 18:15:51

You know what? You have your plan. Your own plan, the one where you've decided what you want to happen to you in the next week and month, and there's no reason for you to either share that with him, or stop working on it.

In the meantime, see how bearable he can make life when he really has to.

I think AnyFucker is wise, (and as I keep saying, I know sweet FA really), and I think you need to be vigilant and aware.

I DON'T think you should tell him what you want. You'll end up managing him yet again, and if he doesn't do something, it will be because you didn't ask and your fault yet again.

If anything - if you're desperate to reply to him, keep it generic. 'I need you to grow up and start being responsible.' It's like you said with the gambling - he has to commit to that, or it won't happen.

LookingThroughTheFog Thu 19-Sep-13 18:17:22

In fact, I think that's precisely what he's doing - 'you tell me what to do. Once again, take care of this problem for me.'

MisselthwaiteManor Thu 19-Sep-13 18:26:00

In fact, I think that's precisely what he's doing - 'you tell me what to do. Once again, take care of this problem for me.'

Yes I think you're right there. I haven't replied to him because I don't want him to think I am playing along. I will take his change of hours and anything else he wants to do of his own volition to make my life easier while I'm still here but I'm not going to ask for anything.

Ledkr Thu 19-Sep-13 18:34:06

To be fair though, most if us have listened to their spiel a few times before we made the break, I know I have.
If like to think I never would again but who knows.
It often has to get to rock bottom a few times to make us leave!
Op has some hard decisions to make for sure but like many before will do it in her own time.

Offred Thu 19-Sep-13 18:35:32

Keep with your plan.

My h and I are currently separating (he's nice though, we just don't work) and when it became apparent I was going to discuss ending the relationship he started doing things like this. My feeling was that the relationship is over if he cannot do these things when what's at stake is my happiness/needs but can do them when he is threatened with losing his wife because that is not love, it is ownership.

MissStrawberry Thu 19-Sep-13 18:41:30

I would leave. It doesn't have to be forever if he actually grows up and starts being a decent human being, father and husband. If he doesn't then you haven't wasted any more time waiting for him to sort himself out.

AnyFucker Thu 19-Sep-13 18:42:00

Ledkr, am not criticising. I have done it myself. Which is why I recognise it when I see it.

LookingThroughTheFog Thu 19-Sep-13 18:52:14

Oh, and as for 'will he take the baby?' I really, really doubt that. Hell, he can't even be in the same house with her when she's screaming. Would he really want her by himself?

Plus, having sole responsibility for her will mean he has no choice but to grow the fuck up already. Which seems to be the thing he doesn't want to do.

Ledkr Thu 19-Sep-13 19:38:48

No I know you weren't AF I just imagined myself with a 13 week reflux baby and wondered if I might grasp at anything he said.
Just a bit of balance, unusual for me though!

NoSquirrels Thu 19-Sep-13 20:55:58

It's good he has changed his hours.

It's not good he is making you "ask" for what you need, for things that should be clear. However, my DH (who is lovely, on the whole) can be a bit like this: if you tell me what to do I will do it; what do I need to do now? etc. I counter it with a stern look and sometimes a sarky comment about being an adult with his own brain. But he genuinely doesn't mean to be annoying, even though it is bloody annoying.

I don't know if your bloke is simply thoughtless/clueless or manipulative, but he certainly hasn't sounded much like a keeper on what you have posted. It's actions that count, so you will have to watch and wait and see if he follows through. But you have your eyes open to it, so that's a great thing.

You also need to consider that if you came through this bad episode, can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with someone who appears emotionless/lacking empathy, someone who you struggle to disagree with on even pretty fundamental issues without feeling undermined and unreasonable. I would probably think that you need counselling to sort that sort of issue out - would he do that to keep you? Doesn't sound likely to me, given what you have said about his unwillingness to face the gambling.

I would keep planning, if I were you. Change the CB and tax credits to your own bank account (it's great you're in charge of the finances, btw); think hard about where you might move to, and confide in other people IRL that you are having difficulties with your partner.

And get the cranial osteopathy for the baby!

MisselthwaiteManor Thu 19-Sep-13 21:24:38

Baby is booked in for cranial osteopathy, I gave that job to DH and he did it. He is good with the baby when he is here and does do things when asked, to be fair.

I think we are past councelling tbh. When he walked out when I was pregnant it changed everything for me and since then I have been waiting to see how things go while at the same time getting myself in a position where I could leave if that's what I eventually decided to do, so I don't really have much patience now because our relationship was already on it's way out iyswim?

Whatever is going on with him, whether he is manipulative or just stupid/selfish, it's exhausting and I'm done, and I thought I didn't deserve any better than this but I probably do.

AnyFucker Thu 19-Sep-13 21:29:14

Yes you do. And he can still be a good dad when he is not in a romantic relationship with you

CrazyOldCatLady Thu 19-Sep-13 21:47:27

I'm sorry, I can't offer advice about your relationship. But do you have a consistent bedtime routine for DD? She sounds like my DS, who was terrible at evenings till we worked out that he desperately needed to be changed, fed and asleep before 7 or all hell would break loose for hours. Even now, at 19 months, he still goes to bed at 6 some evenings because he just can't cope.

MisselthwaiteManor Thu 19-Sep-13 22:06:13

I am doing terribly with the whole routine thing, to be honest I just let her nap whenever she wants and she feeds whenever she wants. She takes loads of small feeds all day. I have a vague bedtime routine where I put her in the bath at about 6 but on coming out she will either be wide awake and cluster feed all evening or she will scream for hours until she wears herself out. I read about babies having a bath and a cuddle and a feed and going off to sleep for the night and would like to know where to get one of those babies? Because I think mine is faulty.

KatOD Thu 19-Sep-13 22:15:23

Mine was faulty too for quite a while, but it does get better... Honest!

Inertia Thu 19-Sep-13 22:49:23

It's bloody hard work going through that stage with a baby, even with a supportive partner . Coping with a refluxy baby and a shitty husband must be exhausting.

Can't offer much help with the rubbish husband, though it seems like you're getting some sensible plans in place . However, my DD1 was a lot like your DD, except it was almost impossible to get her nap in the day. The evening screaming session was soul-destroying, me and DH used to compete to make dinner because then we escaped the crying.

What helped was a) DD gradually getting older and the colicky behaviour ending (even though it feels it will last forever, it does end) and b) developing a routine that suits you. It might help you a little bit to feel that there is an element of order to the day, rather than a sense of watching the hours tick by until you get some respite (it helped me anyway).

You might find that it helps to gradually try to introduce a routine- not a rigid, by the clock routine, but maybe start with a loose plan for naps, with a feed as soon as she wakes up . Cluster feeding is normal in the evening so don't worry too much- do you do the evening feed in the room where DD sleeps, with the lights down a bit? It took me ages to realise that sometimes DD would cry because she was tired and I was trying to make sure she had stopped crying before I put her to bed- catch 22. And it took me far too long to realise that the caffeine keeping me going was also keeping her awake as I was BF.

Obviously as your DD has an underlying medical issue around the reflux it isn't as simple as just saying that a routine will fix it (and tbh that applies to all babies- they can't read so they don't follow the instructions). But it might help you get to the end of each day a little more easily until this really difficult stage passes.

LookingThroughTheFog Fri 20-Sep-13 08:00:58

I thought I didn't deserve any better than this but I probably do.

I'm so, so pleased to hear you say this. Well done you!

Don't beat yourself up about the routine thing. Yes, it's nice when they do, but not all of them do.

NoSquirrels Fri 20-Sep-13 11:05:41

I thought I didn't deserve any better than this but I probably do.

You definitely do.

(My babies were faulty too! But the time will come when your DD goes to sleep after a bath and a feed, I promise - you may just need to wait a while longer! I also had the people who said "it gets better after 6 weeks/12 weeks/14 weeks" and it took aaaages for PFB to get there.)

Your dh sounds like my ex, I listened to his rubbish put up with it and eventually made a plan to get out.

Honestly it's better being on your own cause you don't have the extra constant stress of useless behaviuor.

As for trying to get a 13 week old baby into a routine I wouldn't stress, mine was colicky in the evening and you just have to resign yourself to rocking all evening, we did leg pumping which seemed to work but ds may have had something different to your little one.

mistlethrush Mon 23-Sep-13 14:32:34

Just seen your new thread. Locking you in and taking away your key is certainly abusive. How are your plans going?

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