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Xp moved himself back in!!!!!! Advice please!

(154 Posts)
mammadiggingdeep Mon 16-Sep-13 10:21:27

Cannot believe this. He's been gone nearly 7 months.....shitty behaviour since dd1 was born 3 years ago. Lack of affection, stonewalling, moody, unreasonable etc etc. I was a mug, took it all and tried to make things better. In march I discovered he'd been cheating and something in me clicked. I asked him to leave and he went.

We own the house together, it's in the middle of being renovated (by him). Since then he has virtually stopped doing anything to the house but was coming a bit to do bits in the first few months. He's continued paying half the mortgage payments.

Anyway, yesterday when I came home from being out with the DCs, he was here...doing some decorating. When I went upstairs I spotted a holdall bag. He stayed the night on sofa and when kissed dd1 goodbye said he'll be back later sad

I didn't speak to him at all....I didn't want to engage. I didnt want a row in front of the DCs who were pleased to see him. Wtf do I do??? Legally he's within his rights to move back in isnt he??? I can't do it sad

I offered to buy him out but he won't have it. Can't sell on the market yet as it's not finished and we wouldn't make as much money as I'd need for a future house.

Shit!! What if he stays put??!!!!!!! Shall I text him and tell him not to come back as door will be locked? Do I stay quiet and think on it for few days?? What do I do?? Please help....am panicking.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 16-Sep-13 15:35:51

Jag, yes,I expect I'm going to have to 'grit my teeth'. I'm just gutted because I spent last 3 years of the relationship doing just that. I know he's playing games- of which I've had enough and dont want any more stress/drama in my life.
He sees them when he wants, on his terms. Like everything.

Damnautocorrect Mon 16-Sep-13 15:42:42

If I remember rightly you can only change the locks if you pay all the interest on the mortgage as you are preventing them from benefiting. Also, you are right tax credits will take it that he's living there so contributing I'm afraid.
But do get proper legal advice ASAP as they will probably have some tricks to get him out.

Mama1980 Mon 16-Sep-13 15:43:04

What a nightmare op.
I'm no expert but if he's moved out and been living elsewhere then I think you may have grounds to say he cannot just walk back in. Can you call a solicitor immediately? 101 even to find out your rights?

BIWI Mon 16-Sep-13 15:44:46

I would, if he is out of the house now, make sure that you have put the chain on the door, or locked it from the inside. Technically you haven't changed the locks this way, but you have made it impossible for him to come in.

If he has put his stuff in the bag that he needs for tonight/the morning, then leave his bag outside for him.

Text him to tell him that you do not want him coming in and that you have left his bag outside for him to collect when it is convenient for him. And when he comes back, make sure that you are upstairs/out of the way. D on't engage with him at all. If he gets unpleasant in any way, call the police and tell them that your ex is trying to break into the house.

You need to stop him coming in, and to put an end to his working on the house. You're either separated or you aren't.

He can't just assume that he can move back in if you have already agreed that you are to live separate lives.

Can you not stop him coming over to do work on the house?

mammadiggingdeep Mon 16-Sep-13 15:53:02

BIWI......that is what I'm thinking to do but I'm actually scared. I just l don't want the confrontation. I'm fuming that he thinks he can come back, affecting me and dc in such a way. If ever I needed confirmation that splitting was right, it's this.

BIWI Mon 16-Sep-13 15:56:52

But he's doing this because he can. You are letting him. You need to take back some control here, and therefore some of his power.

If you're in the house, what kind of confrontation can there be? And if he kicks off, then call the police.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 16-Sep-13 15:57:56

Damnauto....maybe I should offer to pay all mortgage payment...then ask him to respect mg space until we sell...

BIWI Mon 16-Sep-13 15:59:57

Why on earth would you suggest that?! He isn't going to respect you at all. You have to act to stop him behaving like this, not punish yourself even further.

Don't let him walk all over you.

Mama1980 Mon 16-Sep-13 16:02:58

I agree with BIWI you need to do something

fromparistoberlin Mon 16-Sep-13 16:08:09

see a lawyer OP, and manage it fairly and legally

arsehole or not, its half his home. BUT you have kids so good luck

hope you can get it so that you buy him out

Lweji Mon 16-Sep-13 16:10:55

Regarding the mortgage, he half owns it, so he should still pay half.
Plus he's paying for his children's accommodation, not just yours.

If you offered to pay his part, he'd still be entitled to half the house, but he wouldn't have that expense. You'd be paying his share and he'd still be entitled to the house (or to live there) as before.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 16-Sep-13 16:27:32

Bwiw, you're right, I am letting him. He is doing it because be can. He's got away with murder for years and ne asking him to go and ending it was the first time I'd stood up to myself.
If I lock him out tonight, he could just let himself in when I'm out....shall I get locks changed then? I'm back to that now.....

bubblebabeuk Mon 16-Sep-13 16:34:03

Watching this one.
Change the locks and if you need to call the police tell them its your ex causing a problem and your scared for the safety of your small children. They get there quicker. Hugs

Is there any evidence of his abusive behaviour? Have you ever had to call the police to remove him temporarily, for example? If there is, you stand a better chance of getting a court order to keep him out of the house on the grounds that your safety and that of the children could be at risk.
Unfortunately, the fact that you have been accepting him coming in to decorate may otherwise make it harder for you to keep him out legally. But please bear in mind that he can't just have his own way and insist on maintaining a romantic relationship with you against your wishes.
You have ended the relationship, so it's finished no matter what he says or does.
For the moment, do you feel safe with him in the house, or do you think he may attack you physically or try to have sex on you? If you think it's safe enough, the best thing to do is pretty much ignore him. Don't cook for him or do his washing, don't speak to him unless it's strictly necessary, and get on with consulting solicitors re forcing the sale of the house or whatever.
But if you think he's potentially dangerous, have a word with the police DV unit about your concerns and see what they advise. Good luck. You will get rid of him eventually.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 16-Sep-13 17:35:17

Thanks sgb. No, no evidence and I am safe. It's going to be a horrible atmosphere and him acting like lord of the manner. I definately will not be doing anything for him. It's really unfair on dc. Last night DD was playing with him, I called her for a bath, he carried on playing with her so of course she didn't cone upstairs for the bath. He didn't tell her to go upstairs or end the game. Aaaarrrrggghhh! It's going to be so much harder with him there. I don't think he thinks the relationship will continue- I just don't know what he's thinking. If I state my piece and aak him what he's thinking I'll either get ignored or told "I'm here because it's half mine".
Am at a friends house and am dreading going home. What a mess. Still not sure which way to play this. Really had got used to being unstressed and feeling happier. sad

Fairenuff Mon 16-Sep-13 17:38:20

I think BIWI has the right approach. Lock him out until you can get legal advice. If he is aggressive, call the police, they certainly won't let him in even if he has a legal right to be there. Your safety will trump that. If you are worried about him possibly gaining entry and putting your safety at risk, call the police beforehand and ask them to be alert to your call.

PoppyField Mon 16-Sep-13 21:29:52

Hi mamma,
Sorry to hear this has happened to you. What an arsehole. And yes, agree with others who say you have to be strong and take the power back. Definitely plonk the plonker's holdall out of the front door and put the chain on the door or do something to lock it from the inside. This is outrageous behaviour and a really nasty trick to play on your children. Tell him to get lost and that you'll be calling the police if he tries to get in.

Being non-confrontational hasn't worked. And I know that you think that he can ratchet up the 'confrontation' as much as he likes, with no regard to anyone but himself, but I think you have to risk that here. He can't expect to come back into the home. He has to go. You don't have to say anything - actions speak louder than words. And get all the info you need from a solicitor in the morning. I can't think of anything worse than my ex moving back in - after I'd summoned all the energy and courage I'd had to get rid of him in the first place. Get all your courage together again and throw him out again. And be honest with your DD if she's old enough - how old is she? - and say that you're angry because Daddy should not be here and he is breaking the rules you agreed.

Good luck. Yeuch. What a tosser!

mineofuselessinformation Mon 16-Sep-13 21:44:56

Keys on inside of all doors where possible. Bolts/chains on all doors that have them. All lights off downstairs. Do not answer door/phone/mobile. Call police if any problems. Time to let him know he can't control you any more.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 16-Sep-13 23:42:17

Idiot me decided to try the fair and legal route. In he came. I asked what he was thinking, why was he back? Silence. Walked into the lounge, switched the tv on as if I wasn't there. As if the last 7 months hasn't happened. Why did I try to be reasonable?! I'm upstairs fuming. I'm going to have to get tough tomorrow. It's so not me to start licking people out!!!! I dont want this drama. I just want to move on and live in a happy home. How dies he think on any level this is ok or a good idea???!!!!!

Thankyou all for your advice and support

mammadiggingdeep Mon 16-Sep-13 23:43:37

Kicking people out.....definately not licking. Haha. I needed a good laugh.

Noregrets78 Tue 17-Sep-13 00:55:17

watching with interest... my xh who still half owns the house (but contributes nothing) moved out in May. I'm expecting him to turn up in November when his current tenancy runs out. I have no idea what I'll do. OP I really feel for you!

Can you move out instead? Sorry if I've missed the answer to that one somewhere.

Lweji Tue 17-Sep-13 06:38:06

Don't watch with interest.
Seek inormation and take measures.

Unles you want him back?

Hissy Tue 17-Sep-13 07:17:09

He has no right to waltz in and switch on your telly!

Tell him that he's gone, and that's the way you insist it stays. That your relationship is over and he needs to go back to where he was for all this time.

Change the locks and don't let him sit on your sofa and ignore you.

Anyone in this situation? Change the locks now and make it damned clear to them that they are out, and staying out!

mammadiggingdeep Tue 17-Sep-13 07:20:29

I can go somewhere else if the worst comes to tje worst. I've just settled the children into pre school and nursery. I could live at my sisters but it's 25 minutes away.

I'll be getting legal advice today, and bolting the door from the inside tonight. Why I thought I could be reasonable I don't know. I realise now he's not going to sell without a fight either. great.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 17-Sep-13 07:26:23

Hissy, I called his brother and told him to cone and get his brother or I would get the police to come. He came over and we talked 'through' him for a good hour. I stated that I will not live under the sane roof as him, we're over and it is totally unhealthy for everyone. I have stated that unless he goes, I will be forced to move the dds away. I am fuming that he thought he could move in without so much as a glance in my direction. He kept saying that he pays half the mortgage! I said yes, it's an investment you'll get back and it keeps a roof over your dds heads. He got nasty called me names...I said why would u want to live here when we can't stand each other???
That's the last time I engage. Tonight the door will be locked and phone off.

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