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Xp moved himself back in!!!!!! Advice please!

(154 Posts)
mammadiggingdeep Mon 16-Sep-13 10:21:27

Cannot believe this. He's been gone nearly 7 months.....shitty behaviour since dd1 was born 3 years ago. Lack of affection, stonewalling, moody, unreasonable etc etc. I was a mug, took it all and tried to make things better. In march I discovered he'd been cheating and something in me clicked. I asked him to leave and he went.

We own the house together, it's in the middle of being renovated (by him). Since then he has virtually stopped doing anything to the house but was coming a bit to do bits in the first few months. He's continued paying half the mortgage payments.

Anyway, yesterday when I came home from being out with the DCs, he was here...doing some decorating. When I went upstairs I spotted a holdall bag. He stayed the night on sofa and when kissed dd1 goodbye said he'll be back later sad

I didn't speak to him at all....I didn't want to engage. I didnt want a row in front of the DCs who were pleased to see him. Wtf do I do??? Legally he's within his rights to move back in isnt he??? I can't do it sad

I offered to buy him out but he won't have it. Can't sell on the market yet as it's not finished and we wouldn't make as much money as I'd need for a future house.

Shit!! What if he stays put??!!!!!!! Shall I text him and tell him not to come back as door will be locked? Do I stay quiet and think on it for few days?? What do I do?? Please help....am panicking.

anon2013 Mon 16-Sep-13 10:55:50

I'd try your local Citizens advice bureau, they should be able to help. the other option is meet a solicitor to see where you stand.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 16-Sep-13 11:02:12

Yes, I thought a solicitor would be good idea. Just do not need this!!!

Lweji Mon 16-Sep-13 11:13:48

You could change the locks right now and deal with legalities later, particularly before he actually starts living there again.

Just because he owns it, he doesn't necessarily have the right to live there, particularly if he's been living elsewhere for that long.

If you were renting the place out, you couldn't just go in and start living there, could you?

MadBusLady Mon 16-Sep-13 11:15:24

Don't panic. I know, easier said than done. But him moving himself back in, while irritating and unreasonable in the extreme (and very cruel to your DC) does NOT mean you are going to take him back. Whatever he thinks. This is just an episode of fuckwittery you have to deal with sad

I'd be a bit concerned that if he won't let you buy him out, he won't consent to the house sale when the time comes either. So definitely legal advice will be needed at some stage.

Will finishing the house really make that much difference to the sale price?

MadBusLady Mon 16-Sep-13 11:17:31

Tenants have a contract giving them a right to peaceful enjoyment though, Lweji. I think mamma is right to be cautious about stuff like changing locks until she's had some legal advice.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 16-Sep-13 11:18:32

No....that's an interesting point lweji, thanks.

I really feel like changing the locks. How dare he just cone back without a word???!! Poor dd1 has just got used to not living with daddy. I cannot live under the same roof as him I know that much.

Also, just got tax credits sorted to cover child care etc. Of he's here but we're not together am I entitled or not?? What if he's living here against my will. What a bloody mess sad

Just though things were on the up. Wtf is his game????

mammadiggingdeep Mon 16-Sep-13 11:20:23

Yes madbuslady....prob be difference of about 20 grand to me which as I'm now on my own I obviously really need. It is yet another episode of fuck wittery.......thought the worst was over. sad

mammadiggingdeep Mon 16-Sep-13 11:21:42

Do you think I should speak to him today (via text) or get legal advice first?

unBant Mon 16-Sep-13 11:24:38

I seem to remember reading that once someone has moved out, after 6 months go by without them spending the night, they no longer have right of access.

I think legally he's not permitted to stay there, even if he owns the house, as he's been gone for so long. But get it checked out and work out how you'll deal with it. The police should back you up if needed if he's breaking the law. You should be entitled to change the locks

Lweji Mon 16-Sep-13 11:26:46

The tenant situation is different, of course, it was just to illustrate that ownership doesn't give full rights.
In this case he had already been living elsewhere for 7 months.
It's not a situation of kicking him out when he's still living there and nowhere to go.

(a word of caution to those whose partners leave, it may not be forever, so keep them out and change locks when they do leave)

Do seek legal help regarding the house, but I'd take immediate measures and seek legal support later.
You may get a court order to make him sell the house.
Don't postpone getting all the advice you can get.

Lweji Mon 16-Sep-13 11:28:12

I wouldn't speak to him until the situation is resolved and you know where you stand.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 16-Sep-13 11:30:47

Thanks legal advice it I'd then ASAP. My dad told me to change the locks the day he went....I said no as didn't want to get nasty. When will I learn???!! A) my parents are always right b) by me not getting tough I invite him to walk over me....it's happened again?!

mammadiggingdeep Mon 16-Sep-13 11:32:12

Unbant...he spent the night on the sofa a few times when he was doing decorating etc and on dd's bday. So technically has been here overnight in the 6 months. However....no proof of it I guess....

unBant Mon 16-Sep-13 12:09:22

I'm not sure if that would count, I think it's meant to cover situations where a couple splits up, gets back together, splits up again etc. If you didn't share a room/bed then I don't think it would be a problem.

unBant Mon 16-Sep-13 12:10:04

but I'm not a lawyer, so.. you'd have to get legal advice. I just remember reading that after I'd been living apart from my ex for a year but the house was still legally mine.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 16-Sep-13 13:24:20

Ok, thanks. Will call a solicitor today and try to make sense of it all.

cestlavielife Mon 16-Sep-13 13:24:32

he ahs a key and he is renovating it -by your consent presumably. so it is a bit muddy.

if you letting him in to decorate then he will find it pretty easy to stay wont he? and he could jsut say it was easier to stay to carry on renovating....
so you need to decide how to manage that one. either you let him in to decorate or you dont...

you can use TOLATA trusts of land act (and maybe invoke childrens act in order tod ecide if soem share shoudl go towards housing the dc) to force a sale but it's complex and not a quick process.

Jagdkuh Mon 16-Sep-13 14:38:26

huh? why cant he stay in the house? he has every legal right too.

also, he is doing the house up, you are reaping the rewards.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 16-Sep-13 14:44:13

Because jag, he is abusive and we have spilt up and agreed to live separately. I didn't ask him to continue to decorate, he has just done it (very occasionally when he wants to come in the house).
I didn't post to defend my position. I don't want him there and I've asked for advice. I know he is legally emtitled to be there, I said as much in my post

mammadiggingdeep Mon 16-Sep-13 15:07:51

Thanks Cestlavie.
Wasn't actually letting him in, he had his key. Tried to keep things amicable so didn't actually ask him to stop decorating, also have two very young dc and wamtedhouse sorted for their sake, no carpets etc at the mo.
Thanks for advice.

Jagdkuh Mon 16-Sep-13 15:21:12

but if he has never been physically abusive, and has only (only being used very carefully) been abusive to the extent of Lack of affection, stonewalling, moody, unreasonable etc etc (not saying this is any less important..) shouldn't you just grit your teeth and get on with it? Would he not know that his actions would cause you go down to the legal route? Is he infact just loving the fact that you are so upset by this, that those are his only intentions? Surely him living there will result in the house being fixed quicker, and sold quicker, and the two of you can move on. does he see his children much?

cestlavielife Mon 16-Sep-13 15:27:46

if he has a key to come in to decorate and is not someone you can trust then he is going to come in when he likes...
so it is as if you letting him in (by letting him have key) .

if he has a key he can turn up any time and let himself in at any time.... so you can decide whether it's worth him doing the decorating etc and him having a key to do that; or he only does that when you are there to let him in (ie no key);

or you pay someone else to decorate.

if it is a problem for him to come in the house you need to take away key, change lock and pay someone else to decorate. (or just buy some cheap rugs from ikea or carpet offcuts from a local carpet shop to throw down; they dont need to be comepletely fitted to look ok for a sale . )

you cant really follow it up legally (like getting an occupation order) if on paper you have agreed (in his eye?) that he can come in to decorate when he wants (or when he thinks he wants); apart from fact it is jointly his...

MadBusLady Mon 16-Sep-13 15:32:50

jag I really don't think the OP should waste one minute worrying about whether or not he is "just loving the fact that you are so upset". Who gives a shit what he thinks? This is not a psychological game. All she needs to know is can she shift him legally. If not, then she'll have to reassess.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 16-Sep-13 15:33:08

He would never ever give me the key, not an option. Yes, I would rather just do it myself but he won't agree. He is controlling and does not like me to have any power at all. If I had enough money coming in, I'd move out, rent and continue to pay my half of the mortgage whilst trying to force a sale. Thought of living in same house makes me anxious and sick.
I was doing ok and getting on with my life, which is probably why he's decided to move back. Think I'll have to do a quick job getting it ready for sale, like u say, ikea rugs etc and then go down the route of forced sale if he won't sell. sad stresssssssss!

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